Lana finally has it all.
A loving father who has always been present in her life. A brother who's as wild as she is but who makes her laugh like few others do. A sister, whose unconditional love and support is irreplaceable, and who has blessed her with the most beautiful gift of all, her beautiful niece. A group of friends who have never left her alone, even in difficult times, nor will they ever do so. A fan base that makes her career a crazy but beautiful journey.
Of course, you also hold an important place in her heart—the biggest one, the one that no one else could ever replace so easily even if they tried. Because you, you're simply the freaking love of her life.
"Need some help with that little one?"
Like every time you're about to lose it, Lana comes to your rescue on cue.
"Oh god, yes, please."
Lux is soon traveling from your arms to your fiancée's, who finds quite amusing the way you sigh in incredible relief. There are traces of chocolate in your hair and clothes, and half of a pumpkin muffin in your hand. Jen made sure to leave the necessary supplies for her daughter, bottles and enough food. She had to take Lennon to a birthday party and then do some formalities that would keep her busy all day. Lana was thrilled to be considered as Lux's babysitter. As a token of appreciation, Jen also baked peanut butter spider cookies for the two of you—Halloween has to be that woman's favorite season.
"She was giving you quite the battle, huh?" Lana takes a seat next to you on the couch, securing the little girl in her lap who, by the way, has magically stopped crying.
"Pumpkin ain't her favorite, lemme tell you that." Your fiancée brings her hand to your hair, removing a muffin crumb. It's not that act that catches your attention but the way she caresses your face afterwards. The moment you look up at her, a sweet kiss is pressed to your lips. "Wow... Why- Why was that?"
Lana raises her eyebrow, a grin on her face. "What? I can't kiss my beautiful fiancée?" Lux begins to shift uneasily in her arms. "Oh, it's okay, baby."
"It's just..." You frown. "Excuse me? I'm your baby."
Your words make Lana chuckle. The way her beautiful face glows brighter is priceless.
"And a jealous one, I see."
"Very."
Your hand that's not holding the muffin comes to wrap around her neck as you pull her in for a passionate kiss. Warmth nestles in Lana's chest. Whenever she has a small gesture with you, whether it's a loving look, sweet kiss or gentle touch, you always return it twice as much. That's the magic of being with you, you see her, every minute and on every occasion; she's no longer invisible.
*
Just as Lana was spying on you from behind the wall when you were in the living room, you do the same while she puts Lux to bed. A diaper change, a bottle and some lullaby were enough for the little girl to fall completely asleep.
"Sweet dreams, darling..." Your fiancée whispers to the baby after planting the most delicate of kisses on her head. "Don't go anywhere."
But Lux certainly won't, not when Lana practically built a fortress of expensive pillows around her. After grabbing one of the monitors from the nightstand, she leaves the room and gingerly closes the door.
You're leaning against the wall, dreamy eyes looking back at her.
"Well, if it isn't my number one fan. Or should I say stalker?" Lana teases, standing in front of you.
"Maybe just.... Wife."
It's so instantaneous the effect said title has on her, hands are quickly traveling to your waists to pull you closer.
"But we're not married yet," Lana keeps teasing, gradually dragging you along into the nearest empty room.
Deep down, you know I already am, is the sassy response you want to offer, but you decide to use another technique this time.
"You're right. We're just engaged. You could change your mind and marry someone else. Someone better."
Instead of laughing or snorting sarcastically, Lana frowns. "Someone better?"
The two of you walk into the room, your fingers intertwining in strands of her long feather-soft hair.
"There's got to be someone better than me out there, right?"
"I don't need someone better. I'm better because I have you. And you are more than enough."
You were just kidding, of course, because you know she'd choose you again if she had to, either in this life or in the ones to come. But Lana apparently didn't realize that because the tone of her voice, as well as her look, have become so dead serious. Which makes her look even hotter. This woman would die and kill for you, you have no doubt about that.
However, as you lie on your back on the bed, and Lana climbs on top of you, her now free hands on your face after disinterestedly dropping the baby monitor nearby, some real doubts wash over you. Because inevitably, that's the way you are.
"I can see the way it hurts you, Lana..." You whisper with such honesty, it confuses her.
"What?"
Your lips turn up in a weak smile. "Children. You love taking care of someone else's kiddos, but it hurts that they're not your own."
"Whoa." The mood seems to change drastically for Lana, who within seconds climbs off of you to sit on the bed instead. "What- what's goin' on? Why are you saying these things all of a sudden?"
You sit upright too, so you can talk to her open-heartedly face to face.
"Because we're getting married next summer and I can't tolerate the idea that you'll never be really happy with me if-"
"I don't need children to be happy." She snaps, staring at you in disbelief. "You know what, I'm not doin' this. Not now."
"Lana, hold on," you take her hand, stopping her from getting out of bed. "You see, I don't believe you. You talk about it with our friends, in your songs... But never with me. Why's that?"
"Because it will change us!" Lana admits, heaviness already making her chest ache. "Talking about starting a family, about having kids, always affects a couple, for better or worse. And I'm not that fucking lucky. I can't lose this, you. I just can't."
You move closer the moment your fiancée looks down, your forehead coming to rest against hers.
"Hey, you're not losing me, Lana. C'mon, it's me. You'd need to move to another country to get rid of me, which wouldn't work, because I would be on the plane with you already." That makes her smile as a lone tear runs down her cheek. "You're happy, I'm happy, and we've never been better in our relationship, but.... I don't want you to give up on your dreams. What kind of wife would I be if I let that happen?"
She nods sympathetically. More tears fall. "I do want to be a mom. So fucking much. I just don't want to do it alone..."
"Alone? Hello? I'm right here, ma'am." After several attempts chasing her elusive gaze, Lana finally looks at you. "I'm right here, my love, and I'm not going anywhere."
Just as she opens her mouth to speak, a sob is heard from the monitor. You both frown at the device. It looks like someone faked their sleep too well.
"It's okay, I've got her," you hasten to say. "I need the practice, anyway."
To your surprise, Lana agrees. "Yes, you kinda do."
"Ouch." After a moment of feigning your offense, you lean forward. Your fingertips wiping away the trace of her tears. "I'm such a shitty fiancée for making you cry, I'm sorry."
"You acknowledge my feelings, that's not being shitty. And if I cry it's because I can be myself with you, because you're my safe place."
You stand up, blinking away your tears. "I'm- I'm just gonna get the hell out of here before I'm the one crying."
Lana releases a faint chuckle. "Okay...."
You don't leave the room, however, without first returning to her side and kissing her with all the love you have for her. Only when Lana is completely alone do new tears begin to slide down her face again. Gazing around the room, she can picture it so vividly; a crib, tiny clothes, baby toys everywhere, bedtime stories.
The colors of that life are bright, and they are calling out for her. They always have.
*
Lana makes her way to the room you share after realizing you haven't returned. The scene she encounters makes her melt in place almost.
Half of the pillow fortress is gone. You're lying next to the baby, your phone close to the level of her ear, a soft song playing.
You smile when Lux does. She's in the middle of falling asleep, which is cute.
"I know, right? Chemtrails is my favorite too," you softly say.
Lana can't hide her amused beam. Woe betide the child that comes into your lives as they will never know anything other than her entire discography.
Carefully, she lies down next to Lux as well, the two of you being her main protection now. You reach for her with your arm and Lana hugs you back instantly. Her emerald eyes study yours in search of doubts, fear, regrets of any kind.
There's only certainty, confidence, love.
But....
"If you changed your mind...."
"We'll be great moms." You say, your hand tracing soft caresses on her arm.
"You mean it?" The hope in her voice is also reflected in her gaze, and you want to treasure it forever.
"I do. Let's do it, love."
Lana nods, trusting your word. Happiness and rush, sparkles and enthusiasm bloom from the depths of her soul.
"All right, baby... Let's do it."
She thought she had it all, and perhaps she currently has, but now there's a new change coming. One that will most certainly revolutionize every aspect of your lives, including the love you two have for each other; it will make it stronger, more than it already is.
And that, will never change.
***