She was beautiful to the naked eye, yet I saw her imperfections. She forsaken my soul, so now I beloved her. Told me those sweet lies, just to keep my fragile heart near. Lord, why do I adore her so much?
It was like she had captured my soul, and had no plans of returning it. I was stuck in a loop where I could only love her. It felt as if she was the only one who was there for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. But I knew, we all knew, that was so far from the truth. But sometimes it felt like it was the only truth, no other way to put it.
My body felt ripe, raw even. Skin peeled and newly scars bled till it was no more. My brown flawless skin was now a purplish red from my neck and down. My face was swollen up like a pack of bees just came and mistaken me for honeycomb.
I use to be so...beautiful, now i'm all swelled up and unidentifiable.
"Hey." Beyonce spoke to me dryly.
I didn't reply.
"I said something Onika."
"I heard." It hurt me to even talk.
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"My jaw." I pointed and she only nodded.
"I-i don't... Something happened. It wasn't me."
"Oh. So someone else beat me?"
"I know that shit sounds outrageous but it's true. I can't control when i'm in that state of mind."
"Get some help then?" I say looking back at her.
She stayed silent.
"I can't survive it any longer. One day you may get too mad and won't stop hitting. I'm not even as recognizing right now."
"You—"
"You can't even look me in my face."
"It's not even like that."
"Seriously? Look at me then."
She slowly turned her head towards me and clinched her jaws when those hazel eyes settled on my brown ones.
"I figured."
"I'm so sorry."
I nodded stiffly, "Okay."
"No 'I forgive you'?"
"I wouldn't even believe myself if I said those words to you."
"Actually?"
"Mhm. Everything is okay now. I have accepted my life."
I knew this was gone result in me losing my life. Why act dumbfounded about it? It was near if she didn't stop.
"Onika?"
My eyes reverted back to hers.
"I love you." She says.
I tilted my head, "Okay."
—————
"What made you take me here?" I asked.
"It's like a break from working and shi'. I know you be tired." She replied.
I smiled, "Thanks."
"I'm sorry again. My Momma sat me down a-and I fully understood now."
I didn't say anything but continued to look at her.
"I want you to be my wife and everything but the way i'm going about it ain't right... So imma vow to yo—"
"If you can't keep that vow then don't make it. It's only gone be another empt—"
"I'm serious. I love you Onika."
My eyes widened and I looked elsewhere. She wasn't the one to get all emotional, yet say those three words.
Her face dropped, "I know it's gone be awhile before you say it back. But I wanted you to know how I feel, even if I don't show it accurately..." She trailed off and looked behind her.
She had taken me to DisneyLand, a place I always wanted to visit since I was a little girl.
Princesses were now roaming all around the small crowd we were in.
"There go Tiana," She looked back at me and smiled, "Your favorite."
I smiled back and she grabbed my hand, "Let's go say hey."
And we did so. We said hey to more than Tiana though. All of the women I looked up to as a kid was now here. And I still felt like that little girl, smiling ear to ear.
Beyonce only watched me and smiled even more. That singular dimple coming out and those eyes going small from how hard she was smiling.
"I love seeing you like this." She admitted.
"Is that so?"
She chuckled lowly, "I know I know."
I shrugged, "What did you see in her?"
"Hm?"
"That girl. That was in your apartment... Was it something I was missing that you saw in her?"
"Oh—I-it was nothing missing from you.. You work a lot and I just—y'know."
"I don't know but okay. I understand, I guess."
I saw her frowned and I slightly tightened my hand grip, "I get it, a little. We're young and maybe this relationship is too soon for you. Just be honest with me more, ok?"
"I promi—"
"What I say about those? Just promise yourself first before trying to promise me anything."
She smiled slyly, "You're right."
"I'm already knowing." I say.
—————
"Whatcha' thinking about?" Beyonce asked me.
I looked up at her and squinted, "Stop the facade... I know you don't give a damn."
"You're my wife of—"
I chuckled bitterly, "I'm your wife? That's some joke or sumthin'?"
She flicked her nose, "Who the fuck you talking to like that."
If I said something, i'll get hit. If I kept quiet, i'll get hit.
I looked back down, "I don't know."
She scoffed, "And you wonder why. You always got some slick shit to say. Told you I can't control when i'm that mad."
"Get some damn help then!" I got up and stood right at her chest.
"Help is man, and man can't do a damn thang for me."
"That's what any self centered asshole would say."
She shot me a deadly look and grinned.
"That shit kinda turns me on but you may think shit sweet and y'know what would happen then."
She checked her watch, "I gotta go anyways," She kissed my cheek, "Have my dinner ready when I make it and be laid down by time i've finished." She shot me a wink before she left out.
She kissed me...
Small things like that was only making my delusions worsen. She kissed me. She hardly kisses me doing sex. I knew she could change, even if that meant killing myself... At least I did a good deed in the long run.
—————
Beyonce
"Soo boss, hows the wife doing?" Jorge asked.
"Fine I guess." I shrugged.
"You don't know how she's doing?"
I groaned, "Look my head already booming loud ass fuck, I don't need yo—"
"Okay okay... Just don't get you sometimes Bey."
"What is there to get? You're my assistant... Not my damn marriage counselor."
He stiffly nodded and slickly rolled his eyes.
"I see you rolling your eyes."
"Ok? Like I always say I never bite my tongue."
"You know what? Imma end up letting one of them twin sisters take yo' place. Shit, maybe both." I mumbled the last part to myself.
"Just gagged in my mouth. Them twins ain't got nothing on Onika."
"And you're absolutely right. I don't cheat for emotional support though... All lust, them women know i'll never leave my woman."
"Your head is so twisted. And i'm so close to reaching over this desk to back-slap you."
I chuckled, "Do it and you won't live to see yo' 2 week notice."
"It's like that?"
"More than like that. Plus some."
"Fight me then."
"Boy you do not want any of this."
"Fight me like a man Beyonce."
I shook my head and let a laugh escape from my mouth.
He stood up, starting to speak in Spanish and bouncing around like he was a boxer.
"If you don't sit yo' high yella' ass down."
He stopped and burst into laughter, "Can't even be serious. I really was about to whoop some black ass."
"Yeah ok. Go walk my mother in though, she just buzzed."
He nodded and left out.
I checked my phone since it's been on 'do not disturb' since I made it to work.
Mom: Im here.
Hakeem: I wanna tlk with you. It's some big news too
Lana: What if we just get together privately? I know you not gone leave her.
Lana: I know you're not working now... Text me back Beyonce. Please.
I closed my phone after responding to Hakeem and liking my mom's message. Lana would get the memo when I never respond back. I was kinda bummed not getting a message from Onika though.
When my law firm first opened up to the public she would text me all the time, send me nice flowers, pack my favorites, and sometimes even come up here. It's like once we got married all of that dialed down. And I would be a less of a woman to think it was her fault that stuff switched.
I knew how to take the blame, I just didn't know how to control the situation beforehand. I get mad and a light switch go off and its like i'm a mad man—well woman.
Momma blame it on the trauma I had to endure as a kid. Dealing with my dad and seeing him tear the woman he called his wife down. And I was taking after his footsteps.
Lord knows I don't want this life for me. I don't want my future kids to carry this on in the next generation. I want to change. But I don't even know the first step to do.
Someone slightly knocked and came in.
I didn't pay no mind because I figured it was just Momma.
And it was.
"Hey Beyonce." She spoke once she closed the door.
I got up to hug her, "Hey Momma."
"How is everything? Y'know after everything that happened?"
I stared at the ground as a million and one thoughts ran through my mind, "Not good Ma, I did it again..."
She signed loudly, "I can't sit here and do nothing and y'know that Giselle."
"I do know. But give me tim—"
"How much damn time do you need!? This woman is on the last thread and you got the nerve to talk about some time. Pfft just like yo' damn daddy."
"Momma please don't compare me to him. I know how bad this looks."
"Why I can't compare y'all two? You exactly like him. You may get yo' looks from me but you're nothing like me. You have Matthew all in your blood."
I clenched my jaw, "Why you just saying his name so casually? All that mess he put you through."
"Because I forgave him. Forgave myself first—and boy did that all the strength in my body. But slowly, but surely, I forgave your father."
"How could you forgive him for something so trivial? I wouldn't."
"And you haven't. You haven't forgiven Matthew and that's why you act this way. You're still angry at him and you taking all that fuel out on the wrong person."
I rolled my eyes, "He's dead to me, man not even a second thought in my mind."
"Yet you feel so offended when someone says something about him. You don't want to be that man and that's why you deny it."
"I know I have his ways... somewhat. But Momma it's hard trying to change with no one to help."
Her eyed widened, "Onika would be gladly to know you're trying to get help."
"I think she hates me..."
"I don't blame her. But talk her and please talk to your brother... Don't worry about nothing else but changing for that sweet woman. She deserves it." Momma says before leaving out.
No goodbye either. I knew she was upset with me then.
I swallowed my pride and tried to accept that I actually needed help. And Onika could help me.
I sign to myself and picked up my phone.
Hakeem: Alr. Just lmk when you make it home, i'm in town so I can come to your house.
: What's so important that you can't text it to me?
Hakeem: You gone see.
Frustration ran through me as I laid my phone down and laid back into my seat. I was anxious about what Hakeem needed and I also was afraid of letting everybody else down, again.
Think this the most I EVER wrote😂😂.
But anyways,
Until next time.