Author's Note: So, I'm thinking of starting to upload another story on here, since it's actually done. If I do, I'll only update this book once a week and then update the other once a week. Please consider voting and leaving some comments, I appreciate it!
*Trigger Warning* This chapter has at least one anxiety attack and descriptive eating disorder episodes.
In the morning, I had a lot more energy. I felt a lot brighter. I had a text from Mom and Arianna.
Mom: I know you're mad at me, and I know what I did was unforgivable, but I'm incredibly sorry for not doing anything about the way you've been treated. I've talked to your siblings, and I really think they're gonna work toward changing for the better. Jack and I talked too, and we're going to change how we discipline your siblings and we've realized we've been too lenient, and that wasn't fair to you. Again, I'm really sorry, and I hope you come home for the holidays, and when you do, things will be better. I've explained to the girls that your anxiety is not something to joke about, and that it is definitely a serious condition that shouldn't be messed around with, and I've also said that while you are not skinny, you are healthy, and that them starving you could actually impact your health for the worse, and that health is way more important than physical appearance. If you wouldn't mind, maybe send me some of the research you've done towards your health. That way I can better understand it and therefore help your siblings better understand that. I love you, and I hope you have a great day.
Wow... maybe Mom was gonna change. Let's see what Arianna said.
Arianna: Hey sis, I'm sorry I was a terrible sister to you... You didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated you or by the way our sisters treated you. I didn't mean to make you feel like what you've gone through wasn't a big deal, because it was a big deal. Mom also talked to me, and if she's giving the other girls the same talk she gave me. They're definitely gonna change. Going forward, I'm gonna change. Again, I'm really sorry.
I called Mom, but texted a response to Arianna. I didn't like her apology that much...
"Hey, Mom." I grinned.
"Hey, sweetie. Did you get my message?" She asked.
"Yes, I did, and thank you for talking to the girls and thank you for actually taking an interest in my health. During my study hall, I'll send you some pictures of my notebook where I keep all my information. I really appreciate this." I beamed.
"Aw, you're welcome, sweetie. Maybe you can send me some recipes too. I can make something special for you when you come home." She added.
"Okay, I'll do that." I giggled.
"Okay, I'll talk to you later, sweetie. Love you!" She exclaimed.
"Love you too." I bubbled.
I was in a great mood this morning. I did a small workout, ate breakfast, then headed to my first class with my project. I was extremely proud of it. On my way to class, I bumped into Nicky with his project.
"Ooh, I like your project." I crooned.
"Thanks, Haileigh. I hope no one tries to bully me for it. Especially 'Sparky'." He sighed.
"He's probably going to skip class, assuming he's the type to not do the project and skip so that he has more time to do it." I giggled lightly.
"I bet most of the class is gonna be out. Probably using the excuse of oversleeping, followed by 'my sleep schedule is still messed up because of the summer'." He scoffed.
"Do these people actually think teachers are gonna accept that excuse? Especially from kids who always lie their way out of things? It's incredibly stupid. If you're not gonna do the work, don't make an excuse for it 'cause anyone with a brain knows that whatever excuse, it is a big lie." I teased.
"Honestly, I think the only ones with actual brains here are me, you, maybe ten percent of the students here, then some teachers." He chuckled.
"That's incredibly sad. We're gonna lose brain cells instead of gaining some by the end of this year." I snickered.
"Y'all talk a lot of shit." Someone hissed from behind us.
"Excuse me?" I questioned, turning around.
"You heard me, y'all talking about how everyone's stupid here and shit, like just because you're smart doesn't make us stupid." He pleaded.
"You're twisting my words. My intelligence doesn't make you stupid. Nor did I say it did. I wasn't specifically talking to you, anyway. I never said everyone was stupid, either. I was speaking about my experience here so far, and so was he. Not that many students here are focused on education. They're focused on romantic relationships, social media, and other nonsense that makes them look stupid." I explained.
"Wow, so you don't use social media or have a relationship?" He queried, pointing in between both of us.
Did we look like a couple?! Does Nicky think it's weird that the guy assumed we're a couple?! Oh, let me respond. I thought.
"Again, twisting my words. I use social media, but I'm not obsessed with it. As for romantic relationships, I'm not focused on that either." I responded.
"Why judge other people, anyway? It's not affecting you." He hissed.
"Actually, it is. People are screaming and disrupting class all the time and it's annoying, especially when the brain is working to collect information. Sudden disruptions aren't good during the learning process and can confuse the brain." I explained.
"So then why the fuck are you complaining to me about this?" He scoffed.
"... You're the one who started this whole thing, are you--" I started.
"Haileigh... let's just go," Nicky croaked.
I looked at him and assumed he was about to have an anxiety attack. We headed to the literacy building, and I sat Nicky down on a bench.
"I'm sorry." I sighed.
"I'm okay." He panted.
"No, you're not. You're having a whole anxiety attack because I provoked that guy instead of just ignoring him." I groaned.
He hugged his knees as his breathing began staggering a bit. I felt terrible for causing this. Just after I attacked my family for causing mine too... I heard him reciting some affirmations to himself, and I wished I could do more to help him. I wonder if this was how my dad felt when I'd have anxiety attacks. I was only five when he passed. He was my favorite person ever. I was diagnosed with anxiety a few months prior. Dealing with constant bullying contributed to that. He'd sit with me until I relaxed, while my mom and Arianna didn't really pay no mind. He was highly intelligent, just like me. We related to each other by our intelligence, while Mom and Arianna related to each other with how they were obsessed with themselves and their appearance.
"I get anxiety attacks when people argue and fight because I would get beat up in elementary school." Nicky blurted out, breaking me out of my thoughts.
"What?!" I gasped.
"I was bullied for how much I loved school. When I'd have smart comebacks to people who bothered me, they'd get angry and beat on me. I was really scrawny back then, so it was easy for people to pick on me." He explained, turning his head to face me.
"That sounds awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that." I sighed as I put my hand on his.
I quickly retracted it back and blushed. He chuckled lightly as he picked up his poster.
"We should get to class." He suggested.
"Y-Y-Yeah." I stammered.
We got to class and placed our projects on the teacher's desk, then sat down. Nicky fidgeted with his toy for a while, so I didn't know whether to speak to him, which made me stay quiet.
"Okay... this is a small class today." Miss Perkins gasped as she looked around.
I looked back and saw that only six kids, including me and Nicky, came to class.
"I'm not gonna be surprised if on Friday we hear everyone saying 'I overslept'." She giggled lightly.
I felt bad. I could tell this really bothered Miss Perkins. She wanted to impact her students, but they wouldn't even show up to class.
Class was a free period since there weren't that many students, which I didn't like, but I did, since it meant I could talk to Nicky.
"I gotta mentally prepare for Parchelli's class." He groaned lightly.
"I can't wait for the day he's absent." I giggled.
"Me neither. The entire class is probably gonna skip, meaning we'll have silence to work." He grinned.
"You literally think exactly like me." I blushed.
"You're blushing again." He smirked.
"Stop, don't point it out." I whined as I covered my face.
"Why not? It's cute." He teased as he pulled my hands away from my face.
I blushed even more.
"I never thought someone could blush so hard." He chuckled, still holding my hands.
"You're making me blush more." I giggled nervously, feeling my cheeks ache.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Miss Perkins beamed as she walked towards us.
We quickly dropped hands as we faced the teacher.
"Would you guys like to present to me your projects? Y-Y-You know, since not that many students are here. I know with your 504 plans, you both deal with anxiety. I don't know if presenting to just me would make it better, but you guys can present from your seats, and I'll pull up a chair so you don't have to talk too loudly." She questioned.
"Okay." We replied.
She grabbed our projects and a chair and sat in front of us.
"You can go first." Nicky said.
"O-O-Or you can go first." I sneered.
"Hm, no, ladies first." He chuckled lightly.
"How about we flip a coin? Haileigh, heads or tails?" Miss Perkins asked.
"Tails." I responded.
"Okay, Nicholas, you're heads. If it lands on tails, you go first. If it lands on heads, Haileigh goes first." Miss Perkins grinned as she pulled out a coin.
She flipped the coin, and it landed on tails.
"Ha!" I beamed.
"Aw." He pouted.
"It's okay. It doesn't really matter who goes first. You still have to go, Haileigh." Miss Perkins giggled.
"Ha!" Nicky sneered.
I rolled my eyes as he began presenting.
"I made my project as different jigsaw puzzle pieces, since I really like puzzles. Each puzzle piece represents a different fact about me." He said.
"This is really cool and creative." Miss Perkins beamed.
"Thank you." He chuckled lightly.
"What got you to love puzzles?" She questioned.
"When I was younger, and I was first diagnosed with anxiety, my doctor suggested trying puzzles out. At first it was just a coping skill, then it became more of a passion." He explained.
"I think that's really cool." I blurted out.
I blushed as I realized I meant to say that in my head. He looked at me and smiled lightly.
"Thanks, Haileigh." He grinned.
"You're welcome." I giggled nervously as I picked up the fidget toy he gave me.
I zoned out of the rest of his presentation to get my anxiety down before I had to present mine. I wasn't too nervous, though.
"Haileigh, your turn." Nicky smirked.
"Huh?" I mumbled without looking up from the toy.
"It's your turn," He repeated as he took the toy from me.
I pouted as I sighed.
"I made my project based on cooking. The pot is spilling out the ingredients, and the ingredients are my interests and some facts about me." I said.
"You mention a lot about your health here." Miss Perkins noticed.
"Y-Y-Yeah, many people think I don't care about my health because I appear to be overweight, but it's quite the opposite. I've become intrigued by my health and discovering what works for my body ever since I was twelve. I become really defensive when people negatively bring up my health because the people who do that have no clue what they're saying and just want to put me down. They're the type of people who aren't even educated enough to speak about it, and they're even sometimes unhealthy themselves. Sometimes I get a bit too defensive, and sometimes I go on and on about this topic--" I explained.
"Like you're doing now?" Nicky teased.
"Yes, like I'm doing now." I mocked.
Miss Perkins giggled lightly.
"I can tell you're incredibly passionate about your health, and I admire that you're well educated about what works best for you. And the design is excellent." She beamed.
"Thank you." I grinned.
She collected our posters, then Nicky gave me back the fidget toy.
"We did good." He chuckled.
"Yeah, we did." I giggled.
Sadly, our cheerful mood changed once we got to Parchelli's room. Willow and Matthew were already flirting when we entered.
"This is disgusting." I whispered as we approached the table.
"Alright, make a pile with your homework assignments. Then one person from each table must bring the papers up." Mr. Parchelli announced.
"Not it." Nicky and I blurted out.
"Yuck, how old are you two?" Willow scoffed.
I rolled my eyes.
"I don't want to do it." Nicky pouted.
"I don't want to either." I groaned.
"You should. You need the steps." Willow sneered.
Oh?
"As I've told you before, your idiocy just keeps on growing. I don't need to change anything about myself. Don't you know how to mind your own business? All you care about is appearance as if that matters more than other characteristics to actual worthy people. I'm surprised you didn't offer to turn in the papers and show off the body you're obsessed with." I snapped.
"Ooh, that's a great idea." She beamed as she picked up the papers.
I rolled my eyes as I sighed.
"Just ignore her." Matthew said.
Oh?
"It's kinda hard to." I giggled lightly.
"She's only like that because guys have told her she's only good for sex, then when she tries for more, they drop her because of her insane personality." He responded.
"Then why are you with her?" I questioned.
"The sex is still good." He smirked.
Disgusting... absolutely disgusting. I can agree that people wouldn't want to be with her because of her nasty attitude, but using her still isn't right. They're both just disgusting.
I spent the entire class taking notes, sneaking glances at Nicky as he snuck glances at me, I'd blush when we caught each other, it was really cute, he's really cute... Let me stop this nonsense, I need to focus on education, and education only.
"We will have our first quiz next class. It's only worth ten points, two points per question. It's based on the notes we took in class, and it's fairly easy. We take quizzes every third class, so get used to this," Parchelli explained.
A bunch of students groaned. Meanwhile, me and Nicky weren't upset about it.
"Easy A." I giggled.
"Right, this class isn't so bad after all." He responded.
"If y'all want to complain about it, I'll give you that quiz right now," Parchelli hissed.
Everyone shut their mouths immediately. After class, Nicky and I headed to the library to study together.
"Hey, Haileigh." Kyle beamed as he approached us.
"Hey, Kyle. Kyle, this is Nicholas, Nicholas, this is Kyle." I said.
They exchanged hellos, then it was a little awkward.
"W-W-Well, we're just gonna go over there and study." I giggled nervously.
"Hm, 'study'." He smirked as he walked away.
"Yes, study." I sneered.
"I wonder why Parchelli is giving us quizzes so often. Even though they're gonna be easy, what's the point of it?" Nicky questioned.
"Hm, maybe he thinks people would try harder if we knew that there would be quizzes every week." I responded.
"Yeah, maybe. I still think it's a little pointless..." He chuckled.
We studied until it was time for lunch time.
"What'd you make for lunch?" He asked.
"A taco salad bowl." I beamed as we walked toward the dorm buildings.
"Ooh, that sounds delicious." He gushed.
"Of course it's delicious. I made it." I smirked.
We both laughed as we continued to the dorm buildings. We grabbed our things for the rest of the day; I grabbed my lunch, then we headed to the dining hall. I waited in line with Nicky for him to get his lunch, and acted like I needed to microwave mine, but I just wanted to stick with him instead of walking past so many people to our usual table. Oh my gosh, we have a usual table now. Oh, my gosh... I'm turning into a boy obsessed freak.
"Earth to Haileigh." Nicky teased as he waved his hand in my face.
"Oh, sorry, I zoned out." I giggled lightly.
"Well, I was just saying that I won't get to see you for the rest of the day." He pouted.
Aw, he was sad he wouldn't be able to see me for the rest of the day.
"You'll see me at dinnertime. I'll meet you at the entrance." I giggled.
"Oh, you're right." He grinned.
We got to our seats, and it started feeling like Nicky and I knew each other for longer than this. Especially with how quickly I've fallen for him, against my will, of course.
"What's got you so distracted today? I expected me to be the distraction." Nicky teased, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I blushed as I faced him.
"I'm sorry, it's just... My mom and older sister apologized about everything. My mom said she talked to my stepsisters, but I don't know if they'll actually change." I sighed.
"At least you don't have to see them until November." He chuckled.
I gave him a look.
"Okay... not funny. W-W-Well, do you have any friends back home?" He queried.
"Nope." I answered.
"Okay, then forget what I was gonna say. I'm sorry, I can't really help you in this situation." He responded.
"It's fine. I just need to not think about it." I sighed.
The rest of the day was boring. I didn't see Bradyn, which was great. The only bad thing was Willow bothering me in nutrition and health class. Bragging about her amazing physique, bashing my "terrible" physique, being ignorant, and I was struggling to ignore her. Dinner was nice, except for Nicky having a mini anxiety attack because he bumped into someone. Then I had an anxiety attack because I saw Bradyn.
"Hey, hey, hey, what happened?" Nicky gasped as he sat us down.
We were sitting in front of a tree. I started digging in the dirt a bit as I tried to calm down.
"Bradyn... he wanted to hook up with me." I squeaked.
He waited for me to continue, which took me a minute.
"It's okay, take your time." He comforted as he put his hand on mine.
I sighed as I began calming down.
"He wanted me to go to his dorm. I told him I didn't want to and that I'm not that type of person... he insulted me, but Kyle and his cousin, Connor, helped me. I've been terrified of being around him since. Other than Parchelli's class, he's also in my personal finance class, then on B days he's in our history class." I explained.
"I'm sorry you went through that." He sighed.
"I'll be fine, eventually. What made everything worse was that whenever situations like that happen, it just reminds me I've never had a romantic experience, like not even a kiss. I try not to care about that, but it's hard when all everyone does here is mess with each other." I groaned.
"If it makes you feel any better, I've never kissed someone either." He admitted.
"I guess that makes me feel a little better." I giggled lightly.
He fluffed some of his hair, which made me blush. It was extremely attractive when he did that.
"W-W-What?" He chuckled nervously.
"Nothing, nothing." I muttered as I looked down.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked as he pushed some of my braids away from my face.
"Yeah." I grinned lightly, feeling myself blush again.
"Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you didn't have anxiety?" He questioned.
"Sometimes... but I don't really want to think about that because I know that's not gonna happen. I know eventually I'll better cope with it, but it's never going away, so I don't really like to think about it. Do you ever think about that?" I queried.
"Yeah, sometimes I just wish I could do things without feeling like my heart is stopping. Just walking into class on the first day of school had me lightheaded." He groaned.
"We'll get the hang of it someday." I grinned.
He nodded as he stood up.
"My legs fell asleep." He pouted as he began stomping around a bit.
"I hate when that happens." I giggled as I stood up as well.
We walked toward the dorm buildings and Nicky walked me to my room.
"I'm really glad I met you, Haileigh." He admitted.
"I'm really glad I met you too, Nicky." I grinned.
What is this feeling?! It feels like I'm gonna explode... My mind's all over the place. I need to take a step back before I get anxious again.
"I-I-I'll see you tomorrow." I stammered as I opened my room door.
"See you tomorrow." He replied, a bit baffled at my tone.
I quickly went inside and flopped onto the ground. It felt like my entire body was pounding, my mouth was dry, my stomach was queasy, this differed from an anxiety attack. I grabbed my phone to call my mom.
"Hi, sweetie! How was your day?" Mom beamed as she answered the phone.
"It was pretty good, I have a question... S-S-So, out of nowhere I felt my entire body pounding, like my heartbeat volume was amplified, my mouth got all dry, I was nervous, n-not really anxious, and my stomach felt like my organs were being rearranged." I explained.
"Did you happen to be around a guy?" She asked.
"What does that have to do with anything?! Don't tell me you're idiotic enough to believe in cooties." I scoffed.
"I'll ignore that insult because I know you get like this when you're anxious, but Haileigh, relax. You clearly just have a crush, you're feeling butterflies. So, what's his name?" She grinned.
"I do not have a crush. That's not part of my plan to be successful." I grouched.
"Haileigh... you can't plan around a crush. It just happens. It's completely normal, and it is nothing to worry about. Having a crush doesn't make you unsuccessful either." She comforted.
"Fine... I have a crush. His name's Nicholas, but I call him Nicky." I giggled lightly.
"Oh yeah, definitely a crush on how you got so excited to say you call him by a nickname. What's he like?" She questioned.
"He's a lot like me. We both suffer from anxiety, we're both extremely smart, he makes me blush all the time, it's kind of annoying, but it's also cute. He's really cute. He really likes puzzles, all kinds of puzzles." I gushed.
"Aw, I'm happy for you, sweetie." She sighed.
"We're not dating or anything, Mom. We don't know each other that well. It's too soon, and I need to stay focused on school, and--" I began.
"Haileigh, slow down, okay, you're not dating, but come on, you deserve to live a little. Life isn't all about education and careers. You may think this is the way you're gonna achieve happiness, but with all the experiences and opportunities you'll miss from staying focused on education, you won't truly be happy." She explained.
"Hm, you're right." I sighed.
"So... are you gonna make a move?" She questioned.
"No... because we don't really know each other that well, a-a-and it's too soon. I don't want to embarrass myself. He probably doesn't even like me." I explained.
"Okay, go at your own pace, and if you have doubts about his feelings towards you, just look at the signs." She said.
"Signs?!" I gasped.
"Yes, Haileigh, there are signs. Just don't overthink it." She sighed.
"Mom, that doesn't help me at all! I overthink everything, especially with anxiety!" I groaned.
"Haileigh, just go at your own pace, and don't be afraid to make a move. If you feel a spark or a connection between you two, turn it into what you want it to be. You know deep down you want to experience a relationship, so don't go overboard with it, and don't force it." She explained.
"Okay, thanks, Mom." I sighed.
"You're welcome, sweetie. Do you want to talk to Jack? His phone's broken, so he hasn't been able to call you recently, but he said he wanted to talk to you." She questioned.
"U-U-Uh, just tell him I said hi... I have a lot of homework to do." I lied.
"O-Oh... okay... I'll talk to you tomorrow then. Have a good night. I love you." Mom stammered.
"I love you too. Goodnight." I responded.
I quickly hung up and sighed before my anxiety attack could start. If I had to talk to Jack, I'd have to talk to my stepsisters, which I wasn't ready to do.
I did my nightly workout, then got ready to sleep.
In the morning, I woke up incredibly groggy. This was unusual, incredibly unusual... I usually either had a lot of energy, or just a normal amount of energy. I got ready and headed to my class. I loved this class. It was full of actual students who were interested in education, but I just didn't have the energy in me to focus. I didn't even eat breakfast. I tried to force myself, but I couldn't. I was half asleep the entire period, which didn't look good for me.
"Haileigh, can I talk to you in the hallway?" Mr. Farello asked.
"U-U-Uh, yeah." I responded as I followed him into the hallway, rubbing my eyes a bit.
"I don't condone sleeping and nonparticipation in my class." He started.
"I'm incredibly sorry. I don't know why I'm so tired. This is very unlike me. I drank water to keep me up. I don't know what's going on with me. Am I in trouble?" I gasped, already fidgeting and trembling.
"No, you are not in trouble. This is a warning. Get the amount of sleep you need so you don't sleep during my class." He sighed.
"B-B-But I did get the right amount, though. I always go to sleep at the same time each night." I cried.
"Haileigh, I don't need to hear excuses. I just need you to pay attention in class." He hissed as he re-entered the classroom.
I fought off my tears before going back into the classroom. I sat down and tried my best to keep my anxiety down, but there were too many overwhelming thoughts going through my mind. This was my first warning. I've never been in trouble anymore. What was going on with me? Why couldn't I stay awake?! Then, with breakfast, I've fought myself so hard to stay consistent with my meals. Why couldn't I eat breakfast? Then the students, they all looked at me like I was a delinquent. I felt like an outsider. None of my coping skills were working, neither was Nicky's fidget toy... or I guess my fidget toy. I felt myself getting a little sweaty and knew I needed to get out of the classroom. There were three minutes left of class though, so no one's allowed to leave until the bell rings unless the office calls them down or something. Just three more minutes. One hundred eighty seconds. Eighteen hundred deciseconds. Eighteen thousand centiseconds. One hundred eighty thousand milliseconds. That's really long...
The second the bell rang, I rushed out of there, hoping that leaving the environment would relax my anxiety.
"Hi, Haileigh." Nicky grinned as he approached me.
"H-H-Hey." I muttered.
"What's wrong?" He questioned.
"Too much. First, I woke up feeling exhausted, which is unusual because I sleep at the same time each night. I didn't eat breakfast because it felt like I had just eaten a five course meal. I fell asleep in class. The teacher gave me a warning. My anxiety is high. I just... I don't know." I explained, tears filling my eyes.
Fuck, now I'm gonna cry in front of him?! And I'm cursing again?!
"We have a lot of time before class starts. Do you want to put our stuff down, then take a little walk?" He questioned.
I nodded, blinking away my tears. Since the history building was really close to the math building, we got to class quickly. The teacher wasn't in yet, so we dropped our things off, then Nicky took me through a pathway that students rarely walked through.
"Here." He said as he pulled out a protein bar.
"I don't want it." I responded as I pushed his hand back.
"Haileigh, you haven't eaten yet. This isn't good for you." He pouted.
I looked at the protein bar and looked at the nutrition facts. Then he covered the label.
"I have a feeling that something's going on with you." He muttered.
"What are you talking about?" I scoffed lightly as I moved his hand to continue reading the facts.
"Why are you so focused on the nutrition facts?" He questioned.
"I need to track everything I intake. It's no biggie." I responded.
I read how much bullshit was in that thing, and tossed it aside.
"I'm not eating that." I said.
"What's wrong with it? This is like one of the healthiest protein bars." He queried.
"There's so much sugar in it." I scoffed.
"That's natural sugar from the fruit in it. And it's just one time, it's not gonna affect you." He comforted.
"Let's just get to class." I hissed as I stumbled to class.
"Haileigh, Nicholas. Nice of you two to join us." Mr. Lansid said.
I sat down and put my head down, just begging that whatever was going on would go away. Mr. Lansid got called into a meeting, so we had a sub and didn't have any assignments to do. I tried to start my math homework, but I couldn't focus.
"Haileigh, talk to me. What's going on?" Nicky whispered as he moved his desk closer to mine.
"I don't know, and I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm trying to do my work." I hissed.
"You've been on the first question for five minutes. You need something to fuel your body." He sighed.
"Fine, give me the bar." I snapped.
"You could be a bit more polite." He pouted.
My face softened as I unwrapped the bar. I picked at it, thinking about all the calories in this, thinking about the amount of sugar in it, the carbs, then I froze. I was relapsing... When I was eleven, before I began to truly educate myself on health, I had a terrible relationship with food. I'd starve myself the entire day, then at night binge like crazy, then feel guilty for eating so much so I'd starve all over again. It was a vicious cycle that I battled alone. My mom only found out when I told my old therapist and she "accidentally" slipped it to my mom. It was definitely an eating disorder, but it was left undiagnosed. Definitely BED (binge eating disorder). I thought that after going so long without a relapse, I'd be fine for good. I was angry with myself. How could I let this happen?
"H-H-Haileigh, are you okay? You're shaking." Nicky muttered.
I swallowed the food in my mouth and took a deep breath, feeling myself relax.
"I'm fine, I just zoned out, and anxiety got the best of me." I lied.
I wasn't fine. What Willow said yesterday had impacted me, causing this relapse. This wasn't her fault, though. I should've acknowledged the trigger instead of pushing it aside. I should've known it would've come back to bite me in the ass.
I finished the protein bar, and I felt satisfied with myself. I drank water, and I felt myself gaining a bit of energy. I sped through my work, and I felt a little better.
"Do you want to explain what's been going on with you? I care about you and I know whatever you're doing to yourself isn't okay." Nicky whispered.
"You care about me?" I blushed.
"Yeah." He chuckled lightly.
"Ew, are you two flirting? Disgusting." Someone gagged as they walked past.
"Ew, are you incapable of minding your business? Disgusting." I mocked.
The girl scoffed as she went to her seat. I let out a small groan as I rubbed my temples.
"Haileigh...?" Nicky muttered.
"I'm fine, I-I-I'll explain after class." I groaned as I put my head down.
This was why I worry about carbs. My energy goes up for a good twenty minutes, then it sinks back down.
The rest of the class was pretty calm, then it was study hall. I felt my heart booming as I thought about how Nicky would react once I told him everything that was going on with me. I was scared... terrified.
"So... you ready to explain? Y-Y-You don't have to if you don't want to, b-but whatever's going on with you isn't good." He questioned.
We officially had a spot now. The tree that we sat at last night when I had my anxiety attack.
"W-W-When I was around eleven, I developed a binge eating disorder... Which then became incredibly restrictive, t-that's mainly why I'm so focused on my carb intake. I'm relapsing... I became really triggered yesterday, and instead of addressing it, I thought I could just ignore it and nothing would happen, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I woke up this morning, I felt incredibly fatigued, even with my usual amount of sleep. That was the first stage of my relapse. The next stage was that I felt overly full, even though I haven't eaten. That was my body's way of getting me not to eat out of guilt, which then leads to low energy. Then, my attitude, I never really curse, I don't like being disrespectful to people, but when I'm in this stage, I can get a little disrespectful, and I use a lot of profanity. The next stage is the binge... I really don't want to binge." I explained.
Tears filled my eyes as I explained everything.
"I'm really sorry you're going through this." He comforted as he pulled me into a hug.
Our first hug! Oh, wow... I'm really crushing on this guy.
We slowly pulled away as I covered my face.
"What was the trigger? I-I-If you're okay with answering that." He queried.
"It's Willow. She's in my nutrition and health class, and last class we were looking at things we needed to improve about our body composition... S-S-She kept on saying that I needed to improve everything because within the next two years I'm gonna become immobile and have to be pushed from a wheelchair. She told me she saw me eating in the dining hall and that me eating healthy was just an act to get validation because I secretly binge at night on anything I could find. She told me I looked like I weighed the equivalent of three of her. She pointed out things on my body that I didn't have problems with, but she saw them as problems. Now I'm leaning towards hating myself again and I just can't go back to that." I sobbed.
Great, now I'm fucking crying in front of him. I buried my head in my knees out of embarrassment, then Nicky picked my head up and wiped my tears with a tissue.
"What Willow said to you was not okay at all. You truly know your body, and you know that you're healthy. You know you won't get to the stage of being immobile, and you know you eat healthy because you choose to, not because you want validation from others. I don't know what parts of your body Willow had mentioned, and you don't have to tell me if you don't feel comfortable with that, but I think you're beautiful, inside and out, and Willow can't take that away from you." He explained.
Aw! I'm blushing hard.
"Thanks, Nicky. That really means a lot to me." I sniffled.
"Of course. And try to remember, binging won't solve your problems, and if you think you're about to binge, call someone, anyone, just don't be alone." He added.
I nodded, then I found myself with my head on his shoulder.
"This is interesting." Nicky chuckled nervously.
"What is?" I questioned.
He held up our hands, and I stared in shock, as I didn't really notice that we were holding hands.
"O-O-Oh..." I muttered.
"W-We can just n-n-not hold hands if you're uncomfortable--" He started.
"It's not that, it's just that it's a bit too soon, a-a-and I'm not really in a good mindset for all of this yet." I sighed, slowly dropping his hand.
He nodded understandingly.
"S-S-So, does your mom know that you're on the verge of relapsing?" He asked.
"No, I haven't told her yet... I'm a little scared." I giggled lightly.
"How'd she react when she found out about your eating disorder the first time?" He questioned.
"She was sad that she never noticed, since she found out through my therapist a while after I recovered. She gave me a long lecture about how health is way more important than appearance, and that what I did was to improve my appearance, but that's not what would make me happy, and that truly being healthy would make me happy. But I'm healthy now and I'm still struggling. It just doesn't really seem worth it." I answered.
"It seems like your mom has some brilliant advice. Call her, tell her what's going on." He suggested.
"I'm scared. What if she's mad at me for this?" I groaned.
"She's not gonna be mad at you. She's gonna be proud that you told her instead of keeping this from her." He grinned.
I took a deep breath as I pulled out my phone. Nicky handed me another fidget toy and grinned lightly.
"This can be helpful." He said.
"How many of these do you have?" I asked.
"A lot. I have a collection, and now you have one too. Tell me how your call goes. I'm gonna go start a bit of my homework with the time left of study hall." He responded.
"Thank you, Nicky, seriously." I beamed as I hugged him.
"You're welcome, Haileigh. I'll be here for you anytime you need me." He chuckled lightly as he hugged me back.
I felt my heart melting. I liked having a crush, but I didn't like how I felt. One second, I wanted to kiss him, the next I felt disgusted with myself for thinking like that.
"Haileigh, just go at your own pace, and don't be afraid to make a move. If you feel a spark or a connection between you two, turn it into what you want it to be."
Mom was right. There was a spark. I should go for it.