Control, we as humans often forget how much we control. As I stare, strained to remember else but the object in front of my eyes, I contemplate such quaint confusion. Think about it, just the action of flexing one's hand takes such dexterity that one never considers at age, as it is just... Done. Looking down I see my own, pudgy hand; Attempting to flex it I wish to cringe, as barely any movement of my own I can control appears in it. I flop my hand down at my side, I stare up and lift my head. Barely at all does it move, the weight is so great. I hold, attempting to count, before it lands again into the soft bedding I rest in. I groan as I fail to hold my head for any meaningful length of time. Staring up my vision darts from an object to a light source, item, and wind... All unwilling on my part: my head, as it was, became pained as I strained to focus on any object at all in any length.
I sigh, my vision becomes a blur as I try to focus on exercise, any at all to fix my state. I then hear a noise, rolling my head I see, blurry as it was, a woman come to my side. Picking me up she shushes and rocks me. Her face is very pretty, I think. My hand reflexively reaches out, and I curse in my heart as it does so. She, for her part, chuckles before speaking unintelligible words, gibberish as she moves her fingers above my head.
One cannot truly appreciate how it is man can move when left at the proper age. To not be in such a state as to require another, to walk, to run... I... I cannot tell how it burns my heart to think I must wait to reach that. The lady who holds me rocks me and I smile in response in kind; I suppose The lady is nothing special; her hair is hard to make out at this distance, but it is about auburn or red. She speaks with a warm tone and never is too loud. I enjoy her company in these times, even as I am sad to force her to partake in... Unmentionable acts. I am ashamed to even think of what must be done for a baby, having been in such a place.
She is courteous, however, and she even will rest with me as I loll myself in her arms. Relaxed, and kind. I wish I knew her name, but I can presume her a wet nurse; the nature of my care suggests such nature. Dressed in a gown so heavy it makes me wish I'd never woke to feel it. It feels as if another layer of blankets is on top of me, even as I rest now I can say I've lost weight from how much I've perspired. As well, if not dressed in a gown I am placed in a massive clothe with a board strapped at my sides. I would say that is the most humiliating thing I've ever done to me, but then I'd be called a liar. I digress.
Control, as I said, is something humans have in great abundance. Where we go, how we act, and what we buy, are all in our hands. Yet, we can often be constrained by ourselves; One day I'll enact such things, but now we must consider the times of life when we have no such control. As I lay, hanging across the lady, I could not move my arm with any sense of good action. My eyes only focus on her face in small spurts, and when I look away I forget her presence. I try to speak, and nothing but garbled slop accentuates my nature as a child. It... I cannot tell you how much I wish to have changed my choice if I was to know my start was to be this. Who would? I can't move, I cannot speak, I cannot see; not in a way I wish anyway. My hands move without my input, and my feet kick in strange intervals. I wish for this hell to end, and yet... The Gods give me blessings each night, a reminder to keep well and strong for these days ahead. Sleep is my greatest reprieve, where I can dream the longest of dreams, see the sights of my memories, and hear the sounds of my wishes.
I rest myself to the woman's breast, her shoulder too far for my head to reach. My breathing slows, and so my dreams take me. I hope, and wish, that this will end my nightmare in flesh, but it will not... I wait till it comes, my freedom.
---
Two months, I suppose. How long I've been here, it worries me that so infrequently I've come to contemplate alone now. Though I do not place it beyond myself, being swarmed over by gifts now and again or being shown off to people I can't remember is exhausting, and never a moment of peace. Though, now that I am given such peace I can't help but wonder why. Why can't I be free yet, yes yes age and growth are such factors; However, what is stopping me from reaching a higher power? What is it that halts my memory, my actions, my very words? Seen in so many ideas of such a fate I hopped to act at least in some way, but even now I cannot crawl or move my arms as I wish. Now I can at least grip some things, but barely. My ears have heard so much, yet not one of them I could understand. I asked, one time if the gods could offer my knowledge of the words, and they simply laughed! Laughed, at me! I was so distraught tears welled in my eyes, I couldn't explain it but I was so enraged at the dismissal of my words.
I'm not vindictive, that is not my heart, but if I was ever to demand action be taken against one of them I'd not hesitate. Tch, to scoff and scorn me, how dare. Ah, excuse me. Jeez, it's become worse, my concentration. My focus. Even as I diligently exercise my body I forget numbers, and counting becomes more and more of an issue. I fear I'm losing my sanity. My vision, nothing I've worried about in my past life, has black spots creeping into it. Each one slithering and crawling across like an unholy pattern. It irks me, as these strange creatures appear and fade at a whim, and yet I can not see past my hand! Did the gods not think of my body's health?! I throw my hand down, hitting beside me.
As if on cue a creak is heard from beside me, and the sound of shoes on wood follows. The wet nurse picks me up and pulls me closer to her face. I smile, on reflex. In return, she smiles back. She is kind as ever, and her dedication to my service has been exemplary. I should give her a gift when I can properly thank her. Sadly as of now I continue to fail in my attempts to praise her, my words garbled and gibberish of cooing and ill attempts of coherent speech. Ah, how it pains me that she must stay at my side all this time. I've never seen her once leave my side, not even when my parents joined me.
She speaks quietly and with an understanding inflection. She pats my back a moment before bobbing me, her accommodating act so enthralling. I feel the deep dream coming to take me again. How... frustrating... I wasn't awake... for...
---
A week ago I'd have thought nothing of the creatures in my eye, however, it has become even more problematic. I fear I am to be blind, and worse I have no way to fix this curse. I believe the creature is consuming my retina, or iris whatever it might please. Holes have already begun to form in my blurry vision: it won't be long till I have lost all sight now.
As I hug a large ball of fluff I attempt to remember the faces of my family from my past life: my sister, and mother. My sister had been sweet, though far younger than me she was mature for her age. I remember she had brown hair, but her face I... I can't remember. I think it was kind, but that wasn't quite right. Hah... My mother, I'm sure I have clarity upon. I had hoped. Yet now, I realize just how much was stolen from me. The faces of the people I knew, faded with my vision. Control of my body has gone further. I squeeze whatever the ball of fur I now hold is, my body shaking.
I feel cold, so... So cold. I wish the wet nurse could come sooner. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. Please, someone, anyone, it is so lonely.
Please...
Why won't she come?
Why couldn't I have seen...
Why...
---
It's dark now, so very dark. I thought it'd go away, I thought I'd be free from this hell. I called to the gods, I demanded them to free me from this when they answered. They say it's all because of a blessing. A BLESSING! Could you believe it? What god thought blindness a blessing. Why, who'd ever think it a single boon?! Folly! What else can it be? I dare say this is only bearable in part because of my wet nurse. Her delicate tones her caressing hand. Her care has been my only salvation. How I fear her health might be, if it were to falter I'm sure I'd end it. As I wax my contemplation I cry; I've learned crying is quite useful to call attention to yourself.
I feel myself lifted, and a warm embrace follows, it is her. She is here again. I sigh, and reach out my hands, feeling around her clothes as I try to find the frills leading to her neck to loll across her. It was only a moment ago she left, yet I called her back. I can be selfish it's a child's right. It has been a month since my vision truly failed me. I... I don't know if I can go on. Not like this. [An Hagh] tried to reassure me, informing me it would improve me. And yet.
Through my thoughts I hug tight around the wet nurse's neck; the sound around me has become more vivid, yet never more of a bother. I can't stand loud places anymore, already having come to hate them as a young thing. As I hang onto my wet nurse's neck I shiver and shake as the cold sets in again. The wet nurse pats my back, trying to release my fears I suppose. My grip grows tighter, she can't go away. Why can't she see that?
---
Hah, why is it so bright? Wait. Bright? Bright?! I jolt awake, my eyes darting around. Even as I moved them, it was no different than as if staring above. But yet, I could see below me... To my left? To my right? How? What is this strange color?! It hangs across everything, it looks like a white light yet it holds all colors to find the detail. It appears so bright, but why don't I need to shield my eyes? I look about, my head turning even when I don't need to.
I see the wet nurse now, clear as day. Not a blemish to my vision. I can see all of her, her appearance as clear to me as if I stood beside her. As I see my wet nurse I also see myself, all of me. As if staring down from above: I appear so alien to myself, a small babe with black hair and gold eyes that appear like the real thing. I can see small shades of silver in my eyes as well, yet my form seems incongruous with itself. I see what I am, and yet I see my soul. What I can only assume is my soul. I see myself, as the day of my death. Yet, it is off. Feminine I suppose, and dressed quite plain. It seems to glow with gold, strange.
I may contemplate, but there is no time. From a window three men enter my chamber, each dressed neatly. Black cloaks, leather armor, scrolls, and weapons. I try to cry out, my mouth gurgling and attempting to create any noise. Not a sound from me is heard. I shudder as one of the men glares from me to my wet nurse. My wet nurse's supple body was no doubt a prize for these fiends. My own may as well be one with how much filigree I wear. My kidnap, however, may just be more in their plans.
I try to move and flail, but it seems magics are afoot and I'm held still. As the men walk through my chamber one of them speaks, and I understand him. My mouth falls agape in shock; I can understand him! I can only celebrate for so long until a new issue arises. The men move swiftly to grab my wet nurse, and then myself.
I fear myself unable to act, until a soothing feeling falls upon me. Strange, as the situation does not befall one of calm acceptance.
I soon understood why; the two men who first grabbed my wet nurse had stopped moving. Not, in fact, because of her; it seemed of an outside cause. The men's bodies contorted away from my wet nurse, her body freed from the men and dropped as she stayed sleeping. The men's bodies began to pull, stretch, and pop in a confusing action; The man nearest me seemed not to see and continued to prepare a makeshift pag to place me in.
As the men stretched, one of the men's skulls began to extrude from itself from its place; The man who had touched my wet nurse had his arms extended as bone pulled away from the flesh. Muscles snapped back into themselves and it was clear if he survived he'd never move himself again. The final man turned to his allies, assumedly to ask for assistance, before he took sight of the amalgam that was becoming of his friends.
As he too attempted to scream in shock and fell to his back in fear, it was his fate to join them. His legs pulled out, and he howled in silence. His kneecaps floated above the joints before pulling, peeling, and stretching off the leg. The men pulled into a fleshy mix of bone and muscle, coalesced into a hunk of a creature whose very existence could only be described as a blight in flesh. The jaws of all three had been bent to fit into a new smile, eyes set into six sockets; hyper-extended arms lay behind the beast, and legs that forced it to hunch above everything made clear a humanoid visage. As best as it could muster, at least.
To the heavens and deepest pits, I never wish to hear that voice again. The voice that thing made crawled across my skin like small, sticky, and ichor-like legs, it moved along me with a swiftness that what remained caused shivers. Gods above, if I could share this feeling I'd rather be sent to a grand fire before ever doing so.
"Child" it hissed, "Do you enjoy my... Blessing?" The thing looked at me. Not at my babe body, not my soul, but at ME. What I am. What my existence is. My past, my present: Everything. It was a god, and I have never wished more than to run away from faith and hope it was a demon. I shuddered as it shook the fleshy, malformed thing it possessed to be its head. "No matter, I am here as to tell you of its use. Not if you find it well in use. Why not pose a truce, or shall it be that you die uncouth?"
This... Thing, it never moved its mouth. I only could hear it. I could alone but hear the hollow vibration of its twisting of existence. How solemn my fate.
"You, child, have been gifted sight of my domain. My world: the power to see all magic in the world and to understand it. This power, as of now, is limited by your magic. Fear not, oh man child, it will change in time. This glimpse, vision, and espy are all for a taste of power to satiate your mind. Do not waste it."
The words struck me like a hammer, each forging a clear understanding of its words into me. Until it struck last, and I knew it could strip this from me very quickly indeed. I could not speak, yet it knew I nodded. It smiled, the teeth of all three men shimmered under the moonlit night. It simply waved after, not expending the time or energy to entertain me further, before crawling out the window; Its body twisting the flesh to fit out the exit. The blood it left was not crimson, but an ichorous sludge that slithered across the ground. If not for knowing this creature was a gods appearance... I can only fear what may have become of my mind.
As the totality of everything came to me; like a wave of emotion crushed my body. My vision recalled itself to a small dimension, only around my crib and barely enough to see below it. My bodily form sought a manner to fix this accursed feeling in the only way it could; I fought my emotions, trying desperately to calm myself... But it was too much, I couldn't hold it back. I wailed an unholy scream as I began to cry. With it, my wet nurse began to stir.
Soon her warmth will hold me, oh how delightful. She and I one once more. It makes me joyful, though in vain as an itch sticks in the back of my mind. Crawling, prodding... Hah... When I find this god again... I hope to speak with it more. Till then, I shall content myself with my wet nurse.