We let out a collective sigh of defeat as we sat at an empty table on the ferry. How were we so close to everything only to gain nothing? JJ dozed off with his head on his arms only a few minutes into the ride while I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes, planning the day ahead of me like I was actually going to do anything besides shower and sleep. School would have to wait.
The horn blew a little while later, letting us know we were nearing the island. I nudged JJ's arm as I stood up to walk over to the railing. Seeing Kildare from the ferry never got old. As the island grew closer, JJ stepped up to the spot next to me. We didn't speak, but the comfortable silence said enough for me. Right now, we were okay and that's all I could ask for.
Once we were off the ferry, Topper rushed to get away from us while Liam hung back a bit to say goodbye before following behind Topper. As much as I appreciated him helping us and trying to keep me calm when I thought JJ had slid to his death on the overpass, I knew I wouldn't see Liam again unless one of us made the effort. In all honesty, I'm pretty content with where me and JJ are currently and I don't want to risk anything making us go back to our fight from the other night. I don't want to risk him thinking he's unlovable because it nearly broke me to hear him say that about himself. If anything, I love him more than I love myself most of the time. Especially when they were all gone. That boy was all I lived and breathed for. The chance to see him again, to hug him, to see his goofy smile. Just the chance be around him.
No one spoke on the walk home. We kicked the occasional rock between us but defeat still lingered in the air making everyone silent. We started splitting off when we got closer to our houses. Kiara was the first one to leave as we came up to her street. Then it was Pope and Cleo, leaving me, JJ, and Sarah. They had been staying at the chateau in hopes John B would show back up soon. He'd been gone for days and there had been no kind of communication to let us know he was doing okay.
"See you guys in a little while?" I asked as they turned to go down the chateau's driveway. They both nodded and threw me a thumbs up as I continued down the road toward my house. There was a little commotion before I heard jogging to catch up to me. JJ slowed down as he reached my side.
"Mind if I crash with you?" He asked as we continued the short walk to my house. I nodded, not having anything to really say.
"You get the floor." I playfully bumped his shoulder as I opened the front door. I could hear my brother moving about in the kitchen and began to dread the fatherly conversation he was going to have with me. Unfortunately for me, he had taken over the strict conversations that my dad rarely ever gave, even before the cancer. That didn't matter though. Dylan believed it was his turn to step up.
"School. Tomorrow." Was all he said as he rushed out the door to work. JJ chuckled as he swung my bedroom door open.
"Blanket?" he asked as he looked at the spot on the floor next to me.
I raised a brow at him, "No shower?" I raised my fingers to pinch my nose closed. "It's not like it would hurt."
He rolled his eyes and walked over to me, jokingly sniffing the air around me and covering his nose as well. "Maybe you should too."
My breath caught in my throat as I looked up to him and realized how close we actually were. The smell of sweat completely gone as all I worried about was him being close enough for me to see the small freckles that doted across his nose. Then his hand was back on my waist like it had been only a few hours ago and I had to take a step back.
"I'm gonna go shower." I said pointing over my shoulder before moving to awkwardly gather my clothes to get a shower. I turned on the water before allowing myself the time to stare maniacally in the mirror at how idiotic I just made myself look. We were so close, inches apart, and I just... stepped back? We've had the worst 2 days and I just took a step back? Good one.
I thought about the interaction the whole time I was in the shower. Every little detail. Our jokes, him closing the space between us. His hand on my waist. Again. And I just, backed up?
There was a knock on the door as I turned off the water causing me to quickly wrap a towel around myself before slightly opening it. JJ stood on the other side, looking at the ground. I guess to avoid looking at anything else. "I was just wondering if it was okay if I made waffles while I waited to shower?" His eyes never left the floor.
"Of course." He walked away as I closed the door, leaning my head on the back of it as I let out a huff before quickly getting dressed and leaving the bathroom open for him to use.
I avoided the kitchen as I heard the toaster pop and went straight into my room to put my clothes in the hamper. He came back in a few seconds after me with a plate full of waffles, enough for the both of us. He placed the plate down on the bed next to me as I brushed out my hair. When I didn't reach for one first, he grabbed one and carefully dipped it in the syrup before devouring it. "Do you have anything I could wear?" He asked so innocently, still not looking at me as his eyes stayed fixed on the plate in front of us.
"Yeah." I moved to go to the bottom dresser drawer that had become a catch-all for every piece of clothing that had been left at my house over the years. As I rummaged, I noticed the black Kildare Surf Co. shirt I had stolen from JJ before I left for Charleston. "Here." I handed him the shorts and shirt with an unopened pack of men's underwear. It wasn't my place to pick out which pair he wanted to wear.
He raised a brow at the pack, "You and John B basically lived here two summers ago. I guess my dad wanted to make sure you guys had clean underwear." I explained earning a small laugh from him. I waited for him to leave the room before grabbing one of the waffles that was left on the plate. As I finished it, I could feel the tiredness settling in making me move the plate to the desk next to my bed and getting comfy under the clean blankets.
A few minutes later, JJ was coming back into the room with a towel in his hand, removing the excess water before dropping the towel on the floor next to the door. I peeked over the blanket as I laid on my side facing the door. He had neglected to put the t-shirt on, leaving his torso exposed which only made me stare harder. It was embarrassing, but even more so when he finally looked at me and caught me staring.
"Do you have an extra blanket?" He laid the shirt over the back of the desk chair. I moved the blanket away from my face so he could hear me.
"Share with me." I lifted the blanket as he cracked a smile and climbed in next to me. Maybe this would make up for backing away from him earlier.
JJ moved around until he was comfortable, ultimately ending up on his back with his left arm under his head while his right arm made a barrier between the both of us as I laid on my left side facing him. I continued to sneak glances at him as the sunlight tried to peek through the blinds.
He let out a huff before I felt his arm move under me and suddenly, my head was on his chest and I could feel him nuzzling into the top of it. "Is this okay?" He whispered as he took a deep breath in.
I nodded, not wanting to say anything to ruin the moment like I had done so many times before. I let out a breath I hadn't realized had been held in and finally relaxed under his touch. He kind of smelled like me. I looked up to him, "Did you use my soap?" He chuckled as the hand that was under his head moved to playfully cover my face.
"I like your fruity shampoo." I moved around his hand and up to his head. Sure enough, he smelled just like the fruity shampoo that he liked so much.
"Yeah, I bet."
˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗
We fell asleep entangled in each other and woke up a few hours the same way. His legs had made their way between mine while he held me tightly into him. He was a hotbox. I probably only woke up because he was making me hot. It was an extreme sport trying to untangle myself without waking him up too. When I was finally up, I looked at him again. His mouth was open just a little bit and there was a little drool stain on the pillow next to him. Seeing him drool made me giggle a little.
I quietly walked out of the room and down to the living room where my dad was in his chair watching tv and eating some lunch. "Well, good afternoon." He said as he glanced at me for a second.
"Hey dad." I reached in his bag of chips and grabbed a few.
"I hope he's not in your bed." He said so nonchalantly that it didn't register what he was actually saying until I thought about it.
"What?"
"JJ." I felt the heat rush to my cheeks as my brain flashed me back to how I had just woken up. I didn't respond as I left the room to go back to the sleeping boy. It was nearly 12 and I knew we all kind of agreed on meeting back at the chateau at some point today, so he was going to need to get up.
He was already sat up on the side of the bed when I came back in the room. His head was in his hands and only turned toward me as I closed the door behind me. "Good morning."
"Good afternoon." I joked back as I moved over toward him. He stood up as I reached him, towering over me and smiling at what must've been the most horrifying look on my face.
"You smell like Sour Cream and Onion chips." He joked as he moved past me and out of the room. I took that time to get myself together and put on day clothes before he came back and climbed back on my bed. JJ laid with the comforter bunched up under his head with his arms underneath. "Have you heard anything from John B?" He asked with his head still in the blanket.
"No." He turned to look at me, "You wanna head over there?" I nodded and held a hand out to help him up. He didn't move me as he reached around to grab the t-shirt from behind me. The only thing he did do was give me his 'JJ-smirk' the whole time he did it.
He is going to be the death of me.
The walk to John B's started out quiet. I didn't really know what to say. There was this weird feeling between us, like the line was fading again and we were okay with it happening this time but also like neither of us wanted to be the first one to blur it.
"So, when did you steal this shirt?" He asked, tugging on the bottom of it.
"Oh," I pushed a stray piece of hair behind my ear, "Before I left for Charleston. One of those days at the break when I needed a cover up and you weren't using it." He nodded. "So, tell me about the island you were stranded on. We've only talked about the negatives, give me the positives. It sounds like the ultimate Pogue dream."
"You didn't miss out on anything super fun." I gave him a look knowing that everything was fun when we were all together. "So after we got off the Coastal Venture..." He went on to tell me about the island that they fondly called Poguelandia and how they managed to fish and build shelters for themselves. He told me about how they were rescued but only because the guy was working for Singh, the guy who kidnapped Kiara. JJ briefly touched on the part of Rafe helping her escape and then her pushing him off the boat and stealing it so they could get home.
"That sounds like quite the time and I'm super bummed to have missed it." He chuckled.
"The only thing that would've made it better would've been if you were there. If you were, then I don't think I would've wanted to come back." He reached for my hand and laced our fingers together. "Is this okay?"
I nodded, realizing that after I backed away from him this morning he started to ask if anything physical he did was okay. "So can I just ask one thing?" It was now his turn to question me.
"Shoot."
"So there's nothing going on between you and Liam, at all?" I giggled but I knew he needed the reassurance just as much as I did.
"There's nothing going on between me and Liam." I reiterated. "He tried but I can't ever do that with him again."
"Again?"
"Last summer. The one before sophomore year. We were kind of hanging out and making out." He laughed at the relaxed way I said it, "I felt like I was keeping it a secret from you guys, so I decided we couldn't hangout anymore." He nodded, "After my reaction to you almost dying last night I thought my feelings were pretty clear."
He extended his arm out and smiled at me, "You can't kill a Pogue that easy." I rolled my eyes as he spun me into him and picked me up like he had at Midsummers.
"Jay!" I shrieked at the sudden movement. When he put me down, we were back close enough to kiss. This time, he raised a hand up to my cheek causing me to lean into it. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the brief moment of intimacy before opening them again and smiling at him as he looked at me the same way he did earlier as he reached for his shirt.
JJ took a step back this time without a word, just the same smirk playing on his lips as we reached the driveway. I was standing still where he had left me, my mouth slightly open as I felt myself beginning to smile at the interaction. "Are you serious?" I asked with a laugh as I jogged to catch up to him. He still had the smuggest look on his face when I finally reached his side. "You're a jerk." I lightly hit his arm as we walked into the backyard.