Nikola's P.O.V
It wasn't that I overindulged. I didn't.
In fact, I stopped myself from going further, but it was still a mistake.
Though it was not a mistake in the sense that I'd 'behaved in a misjudged fashion', it was a mistake in the sense that I'd been 'wrong' about what kind of effect furthering intimacies with my mate would have on me.
It was too much, which was rather embarrassing when I considered it, but then, when I truly thought about it, it wasn't embarrassing at all. How could it be when one would have to be well and truly mad not to dorm a cavernous fixation on Hagen Calderon after having tasted him?
I wasn't mad. At least not in that sense. Perhaps in the turn my thoughts had taken since Hagen came in my mouth— well...
"Are you listening?" Hagen asks before he frowns. "I don't think you're listening," and it was the horrible truth. I wasn't listening.
I'd never thought that possible. I'd grown up hanging on every word Hagen uttered, which made it all the more painful when the words he spoke were hateful ones. But personal traumas aside, I inherently hung on Hagen's words— and not in the figurative sense. Or, I used to before every moment of my waking thoughts had become a symphony of his moans and the way his legs trembled violently when he was about to cum.
I shouldn't know that information. I should as his mate, but as the person who loved Hagen more than anything on this planet, I really should not know that information.
"Nikola!" Hagen snaps, and I jolt as he sits up, stunned to find myself lost in thought again. Hagen's stare is accusatory now as he asks, "What the hell is going on with you?"
I open my mouth, but I stall on the truth.
I didn't want to tell Hagen that my usually sharp mind had become a fried mess since the moment he'd looked down at me with tearful brown eyes after he'd cum from the combination of my mouth on him and my magic.
It wasn't strange per se, but it felt like a rather glaring testament to my age, and I favoured nothing that led him to remember that.
"I... am..." I start, and Hagen stares at me, waiting. Waiting and elevating my disarray with his... him. "I am—"
"You are, what?" He prods, shifting once more to better face me.
We were in bed, seeing as it had only been a matter of hours since the sun had risen and I with it, unable to sleep or move with Hagen dozing beside me. He hadn't entangled us together, but he'd been closer than usual, and with the memory of the day before still so close to the surface, I'd been mummified.
Now, here he was, still lying in bed with me— though now he was fixed on his side— and close, so very horribly close.
"Broken," I whisper. "You broke me."
"I—" Hagen blinks several times as his annoyance shifts quickly to utter confusion. "What?"
"No. Ignore that." I say, sitting up quickly to face him. "I was lost in thought for a moment. What were you saying?"
"You just said that I 'broke you' and you want me to just—" he makes a weird gesture with his hands, "smooth on by?"
"Yes." Hagen's expression shifts to a 'deadpan'. "Please?"
"No?" he retorts in the same tone. "You've been acting weird for a while now. Since Saturday... since...." Hagen doesn't finish, but his sudden interest in the bundled sheets between us says what he can't.
Usually, this was where my excitement at his bashfulness fuelled me to speak to Hagen with a surety that his demeanour prompted out of me, but seemed alarmingly natural between us, but for the first time, I can't.
"Do you regret it?"
I stare at Hagen, wondering if he'd suddenly gone mad, but he doesn't look insane when he peeks up at me. He looks scared.
"It's not for everyone, I hear." He tacts on quickly, "I mean, I don't know if it'll be for me—" his eyes suddenly bulge, threatening to pop, "that's if we ever... get there. I mean, we probably will if we keep—" his face turns beet red, flooding with enough colour for my protective magics around him to activate. "keep... going the way we are."
Hagen sighs, exhausted before he looks at me properly, "Do you not want to do... that again? 'Cause it's fine if you don't."
Hagen was not an idiot, but sometimes, he challenged that fact with terrifying determination.
"Hagen, you have a terrible habit of asking a question and then unnecessarily expanding on it before I have the chance to reply. Did you know that?"
"Yeah," he replies with no shame I can spot. "It is what it is, now answer the question."
I stop myself from asking which.
"Hagen," I breathe exasperatedly, "no, I do not regret it. Yes, I want to do it again. Yes, the act of sucking your cock until you cum down my throat is very much for me. There is no doubt about that. I have been acting strange since it happened, not because I didn't like it, but because I liked it too much."
Surprisingly, embarrassment does not accost me, it takes hold of Hagen instead. If he were beet red before, the colour in his cheek descends to a more maroon shade as he stares at me with a lax jaw.
"Nikola... what the fuck."
"You made me share," I defend. I knew it was too much, but he'd forced me to share, and so he could not act horrified now.
Silence lingers for a moment before Hagen's gaze drops to my lips, and a near sly smile twists his own upwards, "....Did you really like it that much?"
I lean forward, "You know I did."
Hagen makes a sound, an elated sort of guttural sound, and then he's falling back onto his side of the bed, laughing. It's a confusing reaction, but he's smiling and happy so I do not worry.
"You're insane," he breathes.
I lay myself back down, staring at him, "Allegedly. Now, what were you saying?"
His nose wrinkles quickly, "It feels weird talking about it now that blowjobs are on the table."
"Oh, so you can say the word," I reply, and Hagen's smile turns delightfully boyish.
"You're funny when you want to be, you know."
I shrug. Hagen's grin doubles, and his eyes glow.
My heart does something worrisome then, and then there's this awful sinking feeling.
It's not fear. Fear was colder, and this was warm. It's something sharper, something that cuts through me and this moment, and shifts things.
The need to touch Hagen becomes astounding, and not in the manner of simply holding him or pleasuring him. It's a carnal, primal urge to consume him that rivals every battle I'd ever faced when it came to wanting Hagen.
This— whatever it is— makes the need I'd felt on my birthday, when the mate bond first came into full fruition, seem like a daydream.
I close my eyes, taking a moment to breathe slowly and gather my magic as I'd grown accustomed to doing since I'd started living with Hagen, but the exercise doesn't bring the usual peace it was supposed to.
My heart races, fuelled by worry, but I don't let myself fray so quickly. After how far we'd come, I was in absolutely no mood to allow my inability to be a normal mate to create further distance between us.
With an unyielding hold over my magic, I open my eyes and look at Hagen once more, and this time, it really is a mistake in the sense of 'acting in a misjudged fashion'.
Hagen isn't looking at me anymore, and the golden glow of his eyes had settled, but he was still grinning happily to himself while he inched his fingers towards mine, the intent obvious. I could hear his heart on top of it, not a hammering mess of nerves, but a steady sure beat, like the traces of his calming heart circulating the room, and it's entirely my undoing.
I sit up swiftly, taking my hands beyond Hagen's reach as I turn to face the windows and the city instead while I try to— I didn't even know. It wasn't like before when I'd had to fight tooth and nail to keep myself and my magic in check— this was something far calmer, and dark in its surety of claiming Hagen.
I feel strange — Neo announces, which is only a confirmation I don't want. But also... weirdly okay?
I try to contain my grimace, but when a gentle hand settles on my shoulder, any semblance of control I have over my reactions withers. I jump to my feet, discarding the warm flow of something that passes between Hagen and me from the mere touch.
"Nikola?" Hagen calls, head tilting as his frown returns.
"We need to go," I state before I nod as a plan quickly forms in my mind. "Yes, we need to leave," I circle the bed, keeping my gaze pointedly away from my mate.
"Go where?" Hagen asks, oblivious, and that at least calms some part of me.
If he couldn't feel what I was feeling, then that was likely for the best.
"I need to speak to someone, and you have a day with my father to experience a pack warrior's lifestyle." He didn't, but it was unlikely Dad was doing anything of importance today, and he'd only be happy to see us on his doorstep.
"I do?" Hagen asks excitedly, already climbing from the bed. "Wait, right now?"
"Yes, so get ready," I say before I leave the bedroom in search of my phone.
I find it in the living room and don't have to ponder the two people I need to message as the shower's water soon starts from afar. With stiff fingers, I type the first message.
Dr Otu - I need you to come to my house in twenty minutes.
The moment it is sent, I sent the next to my closest friend.
Jacob - Can you come to my house in an hour?
The phone chimes almost immediately with Jacob's reply.
Jacob - Of course! Are you okay? I haven't heard from you in a while but I figured that was a good thing?
Me: I am okay. I think. But I'm not sure.
Jacob: Okay, we can talk about it when I see you!
Dr Otu doesn't reply, but I was used to her silence where technology was concerned. She may not have an affinity for technology constructed specifically by humans, but she used it, and she'd be there.
With those messages sent, I feel the pressure over my chest lessen some. I didn't have answers yet, but I was doing something about acquiring them, and that always made me feel better in uncharted territory.
Before me, Knots slithers close, peering at me with a curious gaze that's slightly darker in hue. I eye him, noting the way the lines between his scales pulse, my magic quite literally filling him to the brim.
I crouch slightly, offering a hand for him to deposit his head into. Dutifully, Knots does just that and all but purrs his delight as his body curls beneath. My dark magic passes between us as it always did, but there was a lot of it— more than I usually tasked Knots with unless I needed him as a conduit.
"Are you okay?" I ask, and Knots hisses a happy yes that I feel in my bones. I relax slightly and gather him, allowing the rest of him to wrap around my limbs. "Let's hope I am too."
——————✠——————
I watch closely as Dr Otu studies Hagen through the window, wondering what it was that she saw when she looked at my mate, and concerned that if it were anything negative, this might be where we parted ways.
She hadn't said a word beyond our usual greetings since she'd arrived, only travelling to the wide set of windows at the back patio to peer at Hagen as if he were a specimen for her to dissect.
An uncomfortable shiver travels down my spine at the thought. I was relatively fine with her analysing me— it was something I'd grown up experiencing with her and then chose freely as I got old enough to truly understand our relationship— but Hagen was different.
I didn't want her looking at him and spotting flaws that didn't exist as far as I was concerned.
"Somehow, he is like everything I imagined, and yet, not quite at the same time," she eventually says, her lips quirking up slightly.
"In what way?" I ask, trying to keep the strain of concern from my tone, but it must show because she glances my way with one of her annoying smirks.
"He is every bit of boyish charm your descriptions depict him to be," she supplies as we both look at where Hagen was happily being thrown about by my father. He'd taken a few hard falls, but he just jumped back on his feet with a bright smile. "But he seems... more mature? More sensible than I thought."
"You thought he was dull?" I ask, and this time, I don't bother trying to hide my irritation.
"Not at all," Dr Otu replies without a beat of hesitation. She turns from the window, forgetting Hagen, Dad and Ma, who watched on laughing, and heading for the lounge chairs near the open doorway. "But when you were younger, you stated very often how he made decisions he knew were bad for him, and stated he had a habit of self-sabotage. I suppose I expected a more reckless wolf."
I frown, unsure of how to respond to that. I hated to think I'd ever described Hagen to be anything other than the bright light he was, but those were my words. Still, I didn't like how they sounded when bunched in that manner.
"But let us forget my musings for now," she says as she deposits herself onto Dad's favourite chair whilst gesturing for me to fill the one opposite. "We have something very important to talk about, yes?"
I nod, walking forth and using my earth magic to replace Ma's designated patio seat with my own. As I sit down, my hands come together quickly, clasping tightly as I gather my thoughts.
"I don't want this to be one of our usual sessions," I state first. "I will speak, a lot, and then I will listen to your response, and then, after, we can have an exchange."
Dr Otu's brows dip slightly, but she nods, "I can do that."
I nod, and then I share with her the state of Hagen and I's relationship since we'd last spoken. I don't hesitate over certain details, knowing from experience that Dr Otu preferred a full picture and was most useful when I gave her such.
I tell her about how living together had been, all the time we now spent together, the kisses we'd shared, our interaction with Hagen's friends, my following displeasure and then his apology that still served to ignite my heart with foreign achingly sweet feelings when I recalled it. I share with her our Valentine's dates— his and then mine, along with the significance of them from our childhood. I share it all, right up until this morning's events.
"We were speaking, as usual," I say, my gaze fixed on hers. "I was distracted, but I felt fine, and Hagen smelt fine— happy. Nothing was wrong, and then he looked at me, and everything I worked for almost broke. But it wasn't a weight or a pull like before, it was this... sensation?
"I do not know how to describe it," I admit to my shame. "But, I know that it felt as if I was suddenly freed."
Dr Otu frowns deeply then, and her pen scratches quickly against her notepad, but she stays quiet as promised.
"I believed I had passed this— being out of control of my emotions and longing for Hagen— but this has appeared, and I do not understand it," I finish with a breath before I sit back, prepared for her side.
Except Dr Otu doesn't speak, not immediately. She doesn't do much of anything besides glance between me and her page. It was as if she was stuck or malfunctioning, which simply could not do.
"Do you need me to repeat it?" I ask, prepared to do just that.
"No, I'm sorry," she apologises as she shakes her head, but her frown doesn't dissipate. "I am just..." she goes quiet and then speaks carefully, "You said you reacted like this after he looked at you?"
"Yes," I confirm.
"And how did he look at you?"
I think back to golden eyes paired with the world's most beautiful smile and that terrifying feeling returns.
"Happy," I supply after having swallowed several times. "Very happy— happier than usual." I shake my head, "I had made him laugh before the look."
"And this happened while you were in bed this morning?" She asks, and I nod. "I assume you were close physically?"
"I suppose," I think. "We weren't cuddling. I have not tried that yet because I do not know how I will feel about that, and besides, I do not want to try too many new things with Hagen at once."
"But you were close?" She prods.
"Yes," I supply. "I believe he was going to hold my hand."
Dr Otu's eyes widen, and then she slumps a little as if relieved for some reason I can't discern. "Nikola," she breathes, sounding a little whistful.
"What?"
"Nikola, I think... perhaps, you spotted affection in your mate's gaze this morning," she replies with a smile I rarely saw from her. It was the type of smile she shared when I showed 'personal growth'. "Maybe... maybe it was love."
I stare at her, unable to do anything else.
I didn't have words, and I certainly didn't have thoughts to formulate them with the way my head suddenly found itself emptied. Still, my lips part, trying to do something because it was my turn in this social interaction to speak, but it's nothing but muscle memory.
Smile widening, Dr Otu leans forward and continues, "You two have been spending an extensive amount of time together over the last four months, and though you've met a few bumps, from what you've told me, you have found a way to resolve it together each time.
"Hagen has opened himself to you intimately and emotionally; he's vulnerable with you, and you have begun to do the same for him. You share your true feelings with him, whereas before you would be scared of how he might react being exposed to them."
As she speaks, a gentle wind gathers around her, a testament to her excitement.
I feel my head shaking, denying her words, but I'm not sure if it's a denial of all of them or specifically what they meant if they were true.
"Nikola," Dr Otu sighs, her gaze turning a little pitiful as she peers at me. "There's no question that you love him, but is it truly so shocking to think maybe he's fallen in love with you?"
"Yes," I reply, words apparently found again, and it was the truth. "Yes, it is. After all these years, it can't only take four months for him to love me."
I was prepared to wait years, to do whatever it took to win Hagen's heart over and keep it safe forever. 'Four months' was not possible— they weren't part of any plan.
"Love isn't something you can plan out, Nikola," Dr Otu says as if reading my thoughts. "And this is still speculation. Hagen might be falling in love with you, but I believe that what you saw this morning was a testament to his new affection for you. What I can't understand is why it caused that reaction in you."
That was no fault of Dr Otu. She may have been with me for several years and understood me better than most people, but she didn't know everything. It was impossible for a person to know everything about another.
I knew myself though, enough to understand with the road made clear, what this sinking feeling was.
It was too familiar not to.
——————✠——————
"Nikki!"
Jacob's scream surely travels through the pack because it's like a piercing knife in my backyard as he comes racing towards me with spread arms.
Usually, I dodged his brand of overt physical affection until he settled enough to give him a short hug, but I hadn't seen my friend in too long, and besides, right now, I think I needed it.
So, with a resigned sigh, I brace myself and allow Jacob to barrel into me with his bottomless pit of affection. He squeezes me as if I'm a spawned life raft and he's Jack, and like Rose, I let him fight for his life all on his own.
"I've missed you!" He groans as he sways us from side to side. I endure the impromptu amusement park ride for his sake. "I've missed you so so soooo much!"
"I've missed you, too," I admit with a brief hug of my own that makes Jacob squeal again before he finally releases me.
"Really? You really mean it?" he asks, honeyed eyes wide and hopeful.
"I would not say it if I did not mean it."
Jacob squeals again and tackles me with another hug, and again, I endure.
Over his head of curls, I spot Hagen making his way towards us. His skin is slick with sweat, which only makes his internal glow a more realised thing, and he's dirtied by my father's rough-housing, but his smile remains.
It's not the same smile he'd shared this morning, and I thank Goddess for the small mercy.
"What's going on here?" He asks as Jacob finally releases me.
"Hagen!" Jacob exclaims with the very same sunshine he'd shown me. "Hi!"
Hagen laughs, "Hi, Jacob. Are you okay?"
"I'm great, better than great. I'm just excited to see Nikki again."
"Nikki, huh?" He asks while he cuts a way-too-amused gaze my way.
I shake my head subtly but when did Hagen ever listen?
"Yeah," Jacob replies with an oblivious giggle before he gestures over to where my father was kicking a tree in the distance. I was sure there was a purpose to the strange action. "What are you guys up to?"
"Apollos offered to give me a taste of what being a pack warrior is like, and today, it's like an endurance test," Hagen replies with a big smile. "He's been kicking my ass nonstop, but he says that's okay."
"Oh fun, you'd make such a good pack warrior," Jacob states with a nod. "You're kind and super smart, and you're also strong, right?"
Hagen shifts a little, scratching his head, "I mean, I don't know. We're just trying stuff."
"We?" Jacob asks, looking at me with wiggly brows.
"Alright," I say, settling my hands over my best friend's shoulders and turning him away from my mate. "We'll be occupying the patio."
"Okay, Nikki," Hagen replies, earning a glare from me that only seems to make him brighten.
"Don't start."
"Oh, but I already did," he replies with a feigned pout that quickly shifts into a smile, and then there's that look in his eyes again.
Dear Goddess.
I turn away, forcing Jacob to walk faster so that I can put space between Hagen and me. Space was the one thing I thought I'd never want from my mate, but right now, I was desperate for it.
Maybe I should've called Damon, spoken to him instead of Jacob. Except I knew how Damon would react and what he'd say. It'd be encouragement and reminders of 'all I'd learned', but that wouldn't work. I'd already tried that and it wasn't working.
"Hey, you okay?" Jacob asks as we walk onto the back patio. He faces me with a miserable frown that made me feel weird. Jacob was always so happy, so to see him as anything else felt wrong. "What's going on?"
"I think I'm going to ruin everything," I tell him, and it makes no sense trying to hide the pure fear that scratches at the back of my throat.
"Oh Nikki, no," Jacob replies in a coo, his head already shaking. "Why would you say that? What happened?"
"Me. It's always me," I groan as I look at the spot beyond his shoulders.
"No, that's not true," Jacob tries, reaching for my hands but I step back. "Sorry. I should've asked." I shake my head, dismissing it. "Nik, what's going on? Come on, tell me."
"Dr Otu thinks Hagen really likes me, as a mate, maybe even loves me," I reply, still not meeting his gaze but I hear his sharp intake. "I think she's right."
"But that's a bad thing because...?" Jacob asks, barely managing to suppress the excitement I could tell was rattling inside of him.
"Because when I realised this morning, something happened," I say quietly. "I didn't understand it, but I think I do now," I look at Jacob as my fingers twitch at my side. "I hurt him so much in the beginning. I didn't understand why he didn't want me, and I made him hate me trying to keep him close."
"But you learned from your mistakes and look how much better things have been," Jacob says quickly.
"They've been better, but they've been hard. From the beginning, I've been fighting against the mate bond and the link, and just how much I've loved Hagen— how much I will always love him. I thought it would get better when we got closer, and it has, but then this morning, he looked at me like he loved me, and it wasn't so hard." My throat aches as I look beyond the open doorway to where he stands in the mid-day sunlight. "It was easy for once, for the first time. It was quiet, I didn't have to think about what to say or do next or what not to do. It felt like there was nothing to fight against. I could just be."
"Nikki, I'm confused. Isn't that a good thing?" Jacob asks as he steps closer.
I force my gaze away from Hagen, "No. It's not. It should be, but it's not."
"Why not?"
"Because when I'm not thinking about what I need to do to make Hagen love me, I'm thinking about what I want, Jacob," I say, and I know shame should come as I utter the next words, but it doesn't. "And I want everything from him, Jacob. I don't want to take it slow and I don't want to wait for him to be ready. What I want is his every breath. I want to be all he thinks about throughout the day and throughout the night. I want his soul and body to yearn for me all the time. I want him to be as tormented by me as I am with him."
Jacob doesn't speak then, no easy reply coming as he stares at me, surprised or disappointed, I didn't know.
"I want more," I admit as I look at Hagen again, suddenly finding it impossible to keep my eyes off him for more than a few minutes. "I want so much more."
I never thought he'd feel anything for me this quickly.
I thought it'd take years and by the time it happened, I'd have all those things already.
This was too early.
I hadn't known it, but I'd put a dam between my desires for Hagen that I could act on and the ones I couldn't, and as it turned out, the only thing keeping it upright was how Hagen felt about me.
There were cracks now, and I knew without a doubt that when it broke, I wouldn't be able to do a single thing to stop it.
————————————————
I did say this was a dark romance 🤗
Thoughts???????
Thoughts on Nikola's revelation???? On Hagen's possible feelings for him????
Now, look. Y'all know I'm the author, so I've been waiting for this for a long time and let me just say, I can't wait to enter this arc.
SLIGHT SPOILER: If you've ever read the 'Hagen goes on a date' extra in my notebook, that's what we're heading towards.
I really hope this makes sense cause it's been a long time coming and I'm so fucking excited for the next few chapters!!!!
I'm so excited. Like we really bout to have some fun now.
Anywayssss, I hope you did enjoy this chapter for what it was! I was hoping to get it up this weekend, but ended up finishing it later than I wanted, but I'm really happy with the end product.
As people on Patreon already know, I do have a job now. The whole works and it's an adjustment now so I've been mostly coming home and going straight to bed.
But I've started writing a little every night and the hope is that if I keep that up most nights, then on the weekends, I just have to finish off chapters/extras.
Not sure when next update will be, but I genuinely hope it's soon cause I'm so excited to write what goes down next!
Until next time,
Byeeeeeee humansssssss