She had left. He had told her to leave. But Khushi had left and he could only stumble through the flat in search of a cigarette and yet he had found none. He hadn't smoked for a week.
Dhruv eyed the liquor cabinet and he hadn't had a drink for years. But today, he didn't care anymore. He grabbed the Bourbon and drank straight from the bottle.
He only stopped to sputter out when his throat burned and he coughed. His phone was ringing in that infernal tone and he stomped his way towards his phone and picked up the call,
"What?"
"Dhruv?"
"Janvi..."
"What's wrong? Did you both fight again? Khushi just came here...are you okay?"
"I'm fine. A1!"
"Are you drunk?"
"Yes. Do you have a problem with that?!"
"What? Dhruv...what happened?"
"You happened! You happened to my life! I was get grilled in that police academy but I was fine and you happened to me! You left me and then when I met you again, I had these stupid thoughts about revenge which led me into taking your sister out on a date, when I fell in love with her. So If I hadn't met you Janvi, I would've probably been fine."
"Dhruv, can you calm down?"
"She said I have a hole in my heart." He was disgusted by the way his voice tore but he continued, "She said me being nice won't help me fill it."
"I'm so sorry, Dhruv. I get how pained you must be."
"You don't get it. Just leave me alone, Janvi."
***
He was hungover and he still dragged himself to Natasha's office because after casting out the contents of his stomach all night had made him realise how it old he was for drinking like that.
"Tell me Dhruv. I was very surprised when I heard your voicemail that you needed my time." Natasha said to him.
Though he was here, he couldn't utter even a work. He could only stare at his grubby reflection in the teapoy glass. He sported a day old stubble and his eyes were swollen and red, his pallor was pale.
"How is Khushi?"
"She left."
"Why?"
"I told her to."
"Why did you tell her to leave?"
He stood up from the couch and went to the window which faced the sea. Dhruv had suppressed his anger for so long, he didn't know how to shut the door now, when all the anger seeped out rushing into his veins.
"She told me I had a hole in my heart and that I'll never fill it by being nice to others."
Tasha, his friend and therapist said nothing. "And was she wrong?"
"No. But that's not the point."
"Then what is the point?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe I do have an idea. Do you want to hear it, Dhruv?"
He walked over to the couch and sat again. He had an idea about what she would say but he needed the external objective voice.
"You and I both know that she's right. You're just angry that she saw through your niceness. It's affecting you this much because you tried so hard to hide it especially from her and yet she saw right through it."
Dhruv said nothing except state at the pendulum on the glass table,"How do I fix it then? This hole?"
"We all have parts which we wish never existed within us. But learning to live with it will help."
Dhruv groaned. "That doesn't help. That was such a generic advice."
Natasha didn't take any offense. She only smiled at him and he knew she was right, just like Khushi but he wasn't ready to accept it yet.
. When he drove back home, he stood at the signal waiting for light to change when he was slammed by a car behind him and his own car slid straight forward ramming onto a truck.
Before he could make sense of head or tail, his whole body felt like it was crushed under a big boulder. He groaned and tried to find his phone. Spots appeared in his vision and he couldn't find his phone, he pressed buttons on his dashboard, hoping somehow he pressed the right button. He slumped his head on the steering wheel, his vision went black and everything had gone silent.
***
Khushi was in the hospital signing the forms at the emergency desk when she heard the junior nurses giggling among themselves, she couldn't help but hear their conversation,
"I have never seen someone so handsome. I swear."
There was another giggle. "I wanted to take him up but Arthi took him up."
She handed over the notepad with the filled form and walked away but stopped in his tracks.
"What was his name? It was Dhruv! Yes."
She turned around and walked to the nurses, "What did you just say?"
The young girls flushed and scrambled away quickly saying their sorries. She took out her phone and called Dhruv, it had been weeks since she had left the house. She also knew that he had gone off on Dee too. The call went unpicked.
Kushi quickened towards the emergency receptionist and asked to see the patient list and his name was there. She put in some gloves and walked to the emergency unit and scanned all the beds until she found him.
He was getting stitches on his jaw when he peeked at her through the side.
He didn't look well at all. He looked pale and thinner. He had a healthy amount of stubble on his face and his hair was a mess.
She looked at his chart and saw that he had been in a car accident.
"Leave that to me." She told the nurse and took over the stitches. The moment she went near him she knew he was drunk.
"You're drunk." She didn't mean to scold him but that was how it come out as.
"I can assure you, I'm not. I'm hungov- Ah! Damn it!"
"Stay still or suffer." She muttered through her clenched teeth and completed the stitches and wiped them out with alcohol.
She looked through the chart again. "I think you have a minor concussion. And you need a neck brace. You need to keep the stitches clean and come to remove them after a week."
Khushi handed over the notepad to the nurse and she watched her go away after giving a longing look towards Dhruv.
"You look good." He told her after the nurse left the room.
"You look terrible. Why are you doing this?"
"I'm not doing this on purpose." He winced as he couldn't turn his neck away. "Anyway, I'll check myself out." He stood up from the bed.
"Don't be ridiculous. You can't get checked out until someone comes to pick you up."
"I don't have my phone so..."
"Where's Dristhi? I'll call her."
"Please don't. She moved out and she has newly joined a job."
"I'll call dee or someone else." She said taking out her but he immediately grabbed it out if the hands.
"Don't bother. I can handle myself."
"You can't drive home, Dhruv."
"My car is wrecked. I'll take a taxi." He waved her off and sidestepped from her and walked away.
***
Dhruv walked to the road and God damn his body felt like it had been pressed under the printing press. His neck ached and he had a headache.
He waved his hand for a taxi and he sat inside groaning in pain. The other door opened and he saw it was her. She had removed her doctor's coat which was wrapped on her arm.
Before he could say anything, she was inside the car and seated.
"What are you doing here?"
"What do you think? You said not to bother anyone."
"I'm fine."
"You're not." She said to him and turned to the driver, "Bhaiya, Bandra."
"Khushi..."
"You keep talking, you're gonna open those stitches."
"I don't care!" He winced in pain. That pain was nothing compared to the pain he had inside. Why was she here, Dhruv thought. Didn't she think he was only using her to fill the hole in his heart? At the same time, it felt good. It felt good that she cared enough.
When the taxi reached their destination, she helped him out of the taxi and he pulled his hand away. He knew he was behaving like a child but he couldn't help it.
When she opened the door, he wished a hole would appear and swallow him whole. The house was a mess. There were bottles everywhere along with take out containers and honestly the flat stank. He stank too.
She didn't say anything except hold his hand and walk him towards his bedroom which was in the same state.
"Did you have a party? I won't believe if you tell me you've alone made this mess..."
He said nothing but bent down to pick up the trash but he winced and his eyes watered from the pain.
"What are you doing? Leave it." She held his arms and walked him towards her room and he knew it would be better because he had refused to enter the room even after she had left. She made him sit on the bed.
"Okay. You can go now." He said putting on his best nonchalant smile.
"Not a chance in hell, Dhruv."
"What?"
"You have a concussion. I'll stay so that you don't fall asleep."
"There's no need. I'll set alarms or something. Leave."
He grew irritated as she bent down to remove his shoes. He kicked them away before she could touch them. She only sighed and straightened walking beside him and fluffed some pillows and pushed his shoulders so he leant on it.
Dhruv felt annoyed because that definitely made everything better.
"You'll set alarms with what? You don't have your phone."
"You're ridiculous. Go away. You think I'm using you to satisfy my mommy issues so why don't you go away?"
She stood and stared at him with her hands on her hips and then her lips pressed in a thin line and she burst out laughing. "The irony is just...hahha"
Dhruv couldn't help but pout. But he also couldn't help but stare. How long had it been since he had seen her laugh? Too damn long. He had forgotten the sound of the laughter and it made him sad deep inside.
"Are you done? If you're done, you can leave. " He snapped at her and she stopped laughing going back to her neutral expression. How he hated that she turned around and left.
He set the back of his head against the headboard and sighed. The door swung open and she walked in with a glass of water, "For your medicine." Dhruv didn't know why he was happy when she came back. He tried to sit straight while she set the glass down and placed the medicine in his palm. He put it in his mouth and she helped him with the water. But he hated how clinical it was, there was no affection on her part.
He had realised that in the hospital itself. It was boring and bland like she was only a doctor and he was only a patient.
"Do you want to wash up?"
Even that was a clinical way of saying he stank. He couldn't even nod so he said yes.
"Okay get up. Wash up with cold water. Don't get your stitches wet." She held his arms annd helped him stand up.
She stared at his chest for a moment or two and she uttered a hmm. "I'll help you with you clothes."
Then the next few minutes were the most agonizing moments of his life as she unbuttoned his polo shirt. He couldn't even bend down to look at her but he was sure, she was all clinical. But for him, he was dying, she didn't even smell clinical, she smelt like she usually did, of lemons and vanilla.
She then grabbed his bath robe and helped him in it. After tying the robe, she unbuttoned his pants and he couldn't help but take a deep breath. But that was the end of the end as his pants slipped to the floor.
"You should wash up or do you need help with -"
"Nope! I'll manage!"
She stepped away and now he could get a good look at her and as he assumed, her expression was sober as stone. That killed his mood. He would've given anything to change that express of hers.
Even when they were intimate a few weeks ago, there was something missing. She seemed to hold something of hers back. He didn't know if he was being crazy or if that was what he felt.
***
When he came out of the washroom with a towel around his waist, she was already waiting for him outside. She helped his pat himself dry. He winced as he moved his head.
"Is your back hurting too? Sit here," She guided him to sit on the bed and she walked behind him, he only felt her nimble fingers working on the knots and he felt relief wash over him.
"Feel better now?"
"Hmm..." He muttered in agreement. "A little to the sides." She moved her palms to the sides of towards his ribs.
Dhruv didn't know what came over him but he caught her hands and pulled her forward as she softly slammed towards his back. She let out a surprised oof as her cheek was pressed against his upper back.
He couldn't move his neck but he could see their reflection on the mirror. He could see that she tried to move away but he quickly grabbed on to her wrists tightly, "Don't." His voice cracked. He let go of his wrists but she didn't move away.
"God! I have missed you so much. You have no idea, I thought I was going to die without you." His words spilled out before he could control.
He sniffed and he swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He couldn't see her expression as she still had her head on his back. The only assurance that she was there was the breaths from his nose he felt on his back.
She tried moving away again and he pleaded,
"Don't. Please... please hold me a little while longer. I'll pretend that you missed me too even if you didn't..." But she withdrew and he gasped as he felt pain pierce through his heart.
Tears flowed from his eyes and he couldn't even hang his head in shame. He was pathetic he knew. He covered his eyes with his palm trying to stop sobbing like child but it didn't matter, sob after sob tore through his lungs and he couldn't do anything about it.
Her fingers pried his hand away and he saw her standing before him with her expressionless face and he couldn't help but feel more sorry. He knew the loss of their child had killed her heart and that she thought he didn't truly love her. He stood up and fell on her, taking her in his arms.
Dhruv pushed his face in the bend of her neck and he cried for himself, for her, for their marriage, for their unborn child, for their future and for what could've been and mainly, he cried because she couldn't.
All the while, she said nothing and stood like a block of stone in his arms. He raised his head and cradled her face,
"It's not true. God! Everyone including you thinks I only love you because I had a traumatic childhood. But, it's simply not true."
He shook her face so that she would stop looking at him with her glassy eyes but to his avail, he didn't know how to fix her, how to bring her back to life, so he only sobbed and pressed his forehead to hers.
"True. My heart is broken, it has cracks, it has holes. But I loved everyone truly. I loved my mother and she left. You're right, I was heartbroken!" He moved away and thumped his chest where his heart was.
"I loved your sister with my whole broken heart and you," he pointed a finger at her, "I felt pity for you, at first. I thought I was doing you a favour by marrying you. I did think that. But you creeped into my heart. And Rian, he was this small," he tapped his right wrist to measure, "This tiny when he came to me, how could I not love him? I agree that I only got him because I was desperate for a child but I loved him! Like he was my own!"
He walked over to her and held her shoulders and shook her,
"Will you ever stop looking at me like that?"
"Dhruv...stop. You'll tear your stitches." She held his biceps and he groaned in agony and shoved away from her.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I wasn't there. You have no idea how sorry I am. But people move on, sweetheart." He cupped her cheeks and kisses her lips in hopes that it would change her, bring her back but it didn't.
"Dhruv, it's not your fault. The moment I lost our child, I've lost my heart too. I'm heartless, Dhruv." She held his hands.
"Then tell me, how should I revive you? What do I do? I have dreamed of a family with you. I want children with you. We'll move on together, people lose children and then have more. They move on, we can too, my sweetheart."
"I don't know." She stole her eyes away from him. "I think it's best if you move on Dhruv, find someone to settle down with and have a family."
He pushed away from her, "How could you ask that of me? I was under the illusion that you loved me, nevertheless of all the problems. How cruel of you!" He spat through his clenched teeth.
She squared her shoulders and gave him a bored look, "I told you I'm heartless."
He walked to her and held her shoulders and looked into her eyes,
"Tell me, did you ever love me? Was it only gratitude?"
The door opened and their heads snapped to the person intruding, "Um...hey guys, We waited and waited but the food is getting cold so..." It was Janvi whose voice pierced through the door.
Khushi slipped away from his hold and opens the door, "I'm here, dee."
And without a look back, she walked out of the door.
***
Khushi sat down at the table after Dhruv snapped at her saying he wasn't an invalid. He was back to his old self with Aghanya and Janvi cooing over him. She served some of the khichadi that dee brough and picked up a spoon and ate it.
"I think I might start growing a beard. You're right. The attention I got from the nurses was amazing."
Dee and Aghanya stayed over until late in the evening, they helped her clean up and spent time with Dhruv. He even talked to the kids on video call.
She places the pills on his hand and he took it one by one. After Dee and Aghanya had left, a blanket of silence fell over the house. He refused to talk to her or even look at her.
"I'll keep waking you up after every hour so lay down." She told him and made to help him lay down and he flinches away from her touch and held out his palm to stop her.
He adjusted himself with painful grunts and lay on his back. She slipped up the blanket and tucked him in.
She sat on the bed and put off the lights with the lamp on her side burning. She set alarms an hour apart on her phone and sat still replaying the events of the day.
Khushi wished she could turn herself back to her usual self but it seemed impossible now. Dhruv deserved better and she knew he would find it. He attracted all women. He would find someone.
After a while, her alarm rang so she shook Dhruv and he jerked away. And they did it all night, until around 3 or 4 when he refused to wake up despite of being disturbed.
She felt pity for him. "Dhruv you need to wake up."
"Noooo." He groaned.
She stood up and shook his shoulders and ripped his blankets away and he groaned in frustration. "Wake up!" She yelled in his ears and in an instant she felt his hand pull her over him.
"Oof... wake upppp!!" She thumped his chest but his eyes were still closed.
"Dhruv!"
"I am awake." He slurred.
"Open your eyes!"
"Ugh...make me...i can't."
Khushi was tired herself. She hadn't slept the whole night and she was irritated. She pushed herself up his body and bit his bottomlip hard. He startled awake and screamed in pain sitting upright and held his lips
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He tugged at her wrist and she fell on his lap, "Sorry is not going to cut it." His voice dropped an octave and she knew what that meant. He proved her right by kissing her and then biting her lip softly until she gasped pulling away.
"You're such a pervert!" She slapped his chest lightly.
"And you're a witch! My sweet tasting witch." He said pushing closer and she pulled her head away.
"We can't. You'll rip your stitches open." She tried pushing him away but he held her tighter.
"We can't but you can." He said and kissed her again shutting up her protestations.
"You moving around will definitely rip the stitches."
She let him kiss her and she kissed him back too, she thought that they could be careful.
***
"What did you even do to rip the stitches open?"
Dhruv watched the young intern ask as he finished stitching him again. Khushi had refused to talk to him the whole ride fuming at him.
Khushi came back to to his bed and the intern took one look at her and said, "Ohhh."
He couldn't help but laugh, she was the picture of a well sexed woman with her swollen lips and her flushed skin.
"Oh what Dr. Karan? Will you stand gaping or move faster?"
He watched in amusement as the young intern scurried away. She came closer to him and tipped his jaw checking the stitches. He winced as it strained his neck.
"Oh shut up. You deserve this. You could get it infected. But no! You had to!" Her tirade continued until they arranged the flat and he only watched he in amusement.
After reaching the flat, she turne to look at him and frowned, "What is there to smile about? Do you have any idea -"
He pulled her into a hug, "I know. I went to med school too remember?"
She huffed and pulled away, "That's not even. Why are you so happy?"
"You're coming back, sweetheart."
She stiffened and he watched the transformation happen in real time as her eyes dimmed and she reverted back to her dead self.
"Dhruv, don't raise your hopes. I was serious when I said that you should move on."
That ticked him off massively, "Bullshit! Bull and shit! Don't you dare ask that of me! It meant nothing then this time too?"
"Calm down Dhruv...it was just sex."
"Oh fuck you honestly. I'm so tired of it!"
"Dhruv..." She tried to hold his arms but he wrenched himself away.
"Don't touch me! Is this a game? How can you act hot and cold in a second? Like you care and then you don't?"
"I care that you're hurt."
"That's all it is then?!"
"Dhruv..."
"Leave." He spat.
"No. Dhruv..."
"No. If this is the extent of your feelings for me then leave. I'm fine now. My concussion is gone now. I'll manage. Stay only if you want to continue this relationship, if you want a family with me. Or else leave!"
"I can't..."
"Then go. Don't you have pity for me? How can you come here and torture me again and again? Act like you want me one minute then push me away the next? Raise my hopes then crush them down? Have mercy on me and leave!" His voice was hoarse.
"You need someone to help you out, you're injured." She told him without looking at him.
"And why should that be you? With what rights are you volunteering yourself then? Are you my wife? Are you my girlfriend? Then I don't guess why you should care! Get out Khushi and don't walk into my life or show yourself to me again!"
Khushi looked at him stunned. If she was hurt, she didn't show it, she didn't spare a tear, her eyes were dry, "Dhruv...calm down."
"Do you want me to kill myself? Is that the only way I'll be free of you?!" He spat and she flinched.
"If you don't want that then leave."
She said nothing and left. Like always. And his eyes couldn't help but shed tears.
***
A/N: I have exams so the next chapter might be delayed.
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