Introduction:
The Forget Me series is written by ItsKaylaKiara. So far, it includes two books, but the second book only has six chapters as of 11/11/23. It follows the protagonist, Lavinia, as she discovers the secrets of her past. It is an enemies to lovers romance with a lot of action and adventure.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
I really liked the ending of chapter two in book one with the "Why me." It was simple but effective, and a great way to characterize the protagonist without it feeling forced or cheap. It wasn't over-the-top, which is something a lot of Wattpad authors do, so I appreciate you keeping it subtle and to the point.
I also like how Lavinia has a fire to her and doesn't just give in when she's faced with kidnappers. She has an interesting reaction to getting kidnapped, but considering she doesn't have much to live for (as hinted at by the "why me" I mentioned above), it makes sense that she would be riskier and bolder.
This is a smaller thing, but I really like her name. Lavinia is very beautiful and it stands out. All the names in this series are unique without feeling over-the-top or too flowery, so great job with that.
The aesthetic the series has is very nicely put together. The dividers are clear and pretty, making them easy to spot and fun to look at. The cover has a gorgeous image that caught my eye when I first opened the book.
There are major differences between books one and two, and I don't mean that in a narrative way, necessarily. The formatting is much different in book two, but I like that. I think it shows improvement and your eagerness to write. The second book, in my opinion, has stronger formatting and overall execution based on the chapters published at the time of writing this (six chapters are currently out).
Book two has longer chapters, more detail, different formatting, and more. It makes books one and two stand on their own, but they're also not so different that they feel like they're not from the same series, which is great. You managed to improve your writing style without the narrative suffering, which not a lot of writers can do.
I wasn't expecting this series to have so much action and adventure in it, but I think that's a pleasant surprise. While reading the first book in particular, I was amazed by how many action scenes there were, but at the same time, they didn't feel like too much to detract from the narrative. Maybe it's just because I haven't been reading a lot of stories with action in them, but this was a nice element of the story that I enjoyed thoroughly.
While on the topic, I enjoyed the sense of adventure this series has. There is always something new for us to enjoy, but it never felt like too much. The powers were unexpected but also interesting at the same time. It was a nice little twist and I'm glad you revealed it sooner rather than later. Having little twists like that throughout the story rather than only near the end keep readers engaged.
As for the pacing, I think the pacing is solid throughout both books. The plot always feels like it's moving without feeling too fast, which is great since it keeps me engaged without making me feel overwhelmed.
Overall, I can't comment too much on book two since there are only six chapters out as of the time of me doing this review, but from what I've read of book two and everything I read of book one, this series is very engaging, and I'm excited to see where it goes.
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What Didn't Work:
Most of my suggestions are grammatical, which is a good thing since those issues are, in my opinion, the easiest to fix.
You have tense issues where you flip flop between past and present tense. I think you're trying to write in present tense, so if that was your goal, make sure it's consistently in present tense. Past tense can be used in the present tense, like for describing past events in story's timeline, but in general, most of the story is going to be described in present tense.
Dialogue tags are done incorrectly. Dialogue tags should always be lowercase unless they are a proper noun. For example:
"How are you?" he asks.
Even if the dialogue ends with something other than a comma, the tag is still lowercase unless it is a proper noun. The reason is because dialogue tags are continuations of the dialogue, not separate sentences.
More examples:
"Where are you!" he shouts.
"I missed you," he says.
"I'm here," Raven says.
While on the topic, make sure every new character speaking has their own paragraph to talk. For example, you do it like this: "Hey," Raven said. "Hi," Jimin said. It should be like this:
"Hey," Raven said.
"Hi," Jimin said.
It's very hard to read when multiple people speak in the same paragraph. Not only is it easier for the readers, but it also gives you more creative freedom since you can use less dialogue tags if you separate the dialogue.
This is a smaller thing since it doesn't happen much, but refrain from using abbreviations and texting slangs outside of texts. For example, in chapter seven of book one, Lavinia says "Omg." It makes the scene feel less emotional and engaging since texting slangs are never really used in spoken language unless someone is making a joke.
You use semicolons incorrectly. Semicolons are not interchangeable with commas. For example, from chapter one of book one, "I see one right across from me and open it; but this wasn't the bathroom." There should be a comma instead of a semicolon. Semicolons are used to join two independent clauses without using coordinating conjunctions like but. In this situation, but is the coordinating conjunction, which means it should have a comma before it, not a semicolon.
You also have a few typos where you switch up words like "than" and "then," and also "weather" and "whether." For example, from chapter three of book one, "I didn't know weather it was because..." The "weather" should be "whether."
Moving away from the technical stuff, let's talk more creatively. I would suggest lingering on scenes for a bit longer and using more description to immerse the reader. You don't need to go over-the-top or anything, but a little more to give the reader more to imagine could help bring more emotion into your words.
In book two, you do a better job at this, but you could still benefit from adding a bit more to make the scenes feel more immersive.
For example, from book one, the opening scene is very serious, so incorporating more of the five senses to describe the scene could benefit the audience and help them stay engaged.
This is a nitpick, but I think August calls her princess a little too much. The more it's used, the less impact it has, and he says it multiple times per chapter. Since the chapters are short, those times stand out more.
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Summary:
- The ending of chapter two book one was very well done
- Lavinia is an interesting character
- There are great aesthetics and names
- Books one and two have core differences, but they don't detract from the narrative
- Great action and adventure
- Solid pacing
- Grammar issues (tense issues, dialogue tag issues, semicolons, etc.)
- Consider lingering on scenes a bit more and incorporating more of the five senses into your descriptions
- A nitpick, but for me, August calls Lavinia princess a little too much
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Overall:
The Forget Me series is an incredibly engaging series. Both books that are currently published are easy to read and understand, so if you're looking for a fun series that will suck you in with its intriguing characters and world, then you should definitely check this author out!
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Thank you for submitting your series. It was interesting to read books one and (what's published of) two back-to-back since I don't think I've ever done that before. To be honest, it was pretty exciting, and not just because of the pleasant surprise of this series having a lot of action and adventure.
I think this series is super interesting so far, and I'm really excited since it's been a long time since I've read a series. I hope you keep writing this and more stories in the future; I'll gladly read and vote on them. Thank you again for submitting, and if you have any questions or need any further reviews (for example, on book two when it's fully published), then please don't hesitate to let me know! I'd be happy to read more of your work!