Introduction
Invisible Strings is a bxb mystery story written by jnyyaa. So far, only the prologue has been released, but from what I have read, it is intriguing and engaging. Thanks to the use of fresh word choice and an engaging hook, Invisible Strings has a strong start.
Since this book only has one chapter out and <5 mins of read time, this detailed feedback will not be as long as some of the others. Still, I will do my best to be as detailed as I can with what I have read.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
For starters, the cover is very aesthetically pleasing. I set the cover as the image of this chapter, and my is it pretty. From the color scheme to the placement of the text, the cover is attractive and draws readers in.
Although only the prologue is out, I enjoyed how you ended it with a cliffhanger. It acts as a great hook for the audience. Normally I discourage authors from hiding a character's name for an entire chapter, but I think using vague information and referring to the character as "he" works in your favor.
Thanks to the mystery, we're sucked in like he was in the water. It brings us closer to him as we try to figure out this mystery and if he's one of the characters mentioned in the blurb. Then the part about his brother adds more mystery and intrigue without feeling over-the-top.
It has a balance between the information you give us and the information you don't. You don't overload us, but at the same time, you give enough to keep the reader engaged.
The entire first chapter is very immersive. Not only because of the vivid descriptions, but also because the situation you put us in is interesting.
I also like how the descriptions are vivid but not over-the-top. You know when to pull back before the sentences become too flowery or pretty for the sake of being pretty. You make sure every line contributes to the story instead of writing descriptions just for the sake of it, which is great and I really liked it.
Overall, the prologue was a great intro to the story. I only have technical suggestions, no creative suggestions, so good job!
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What Didn't Work:
There are some grammar errors throughout, mostly with punctuation. For example, from the first paragraph, "It didn't stay that way, it got colder and darker the deeper he went."
It should be: "It didn't stay that way; it got colder and darker the deeper he went."
For that sentence, a semicolon is needed instead of a comma. Or, you can use a conjunction and a comma, such as, "It didn't stay that way, and it got colder and darker the deeper he went."
Also from the first paragraph: "The cold water startled him but for now it was a refreshing change from a hot summer day."
This sentence is missing punctuation. What it should be: "The cold water startled him, but for now, it was a refreshing change from a hot summer day."
There are quite a few times where you use an introductory phrase or clause and don't use punctuation. For example, "For some reason he slowed down rapidly until he came to a stop."
With punctuation: "For some reason, he slowed down rapidly until he came to a stop."
For the future, I'd definitely recommend reading sentences out loud and seeing where they should come to a natural pause. You can also use TTS software to help you figure it out since reading out loud can be a pain sometimes.
I don't recommend Grammarly since it sucks with creative writing, but ProWritingAid is pretty good with punctuation and it's free. There's a premium version, but the free version has always worked for me.
I only recommend using it if you're having trouble figuring out where commas should go even after reading out loud, but it never hurts to have an editing software for other things such as making sure you're spelling words right, remembering to capitalize proper nouns, keeping tense consistent, etc.
Creatively, I don't have any suggestions since there's only one chapter out and I have no critiques as of yet.
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Summary:
- Great cover
- Good cliffhanger
- Interesting mystery
- Immersive first chapter
- Vivid descriptions
- Some grammar errors, mostly punctuation
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Overall:
Invisible Strings is an in-progress story with mystery and vivid descriptions. If you are looking for a story with an engaging premise, then I would suggest adding this story to your list and waiting for the future updates. This story has potential, so you should definitely keep your eye on it!
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Thank you for submitting your story. I'm excited to see where you are going to take it next, and I hope you continue it in the future! Please let me know if you want me to review it more thoroughly when you post new chapters since I would be interested in returning to this book.
Please let me know if you have any questions. Thanks again for submitting, and good luck on the rest of the story!