Intro:
This feedback is for My Favorite Media Picks and TBBT: The Sequel Situation by fifipencil11. My Favorite Media Picks is just like the title; it is a book compiling the author's favorite things in media, such as songs, shows, books, etc. TBBT: The Sequel Situation is a light-hearted The Big Bang Theory fanfiction.
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Detailed Feedback - My Favorite Media Picks
What Worked:
Since this is a review book of your own, I don't have too much to say about it, but I'll still share my thoughts.
For starters, I like the variety of media. You review YouTube channels, Wattpad books, TV shows, movies, mobile games, etc. You don't stick to just one thing, which is nice to see. I've been thinking of doing a review book, and honestly, this is inspiring me to go for it.
I also like how you give a small introduction to explain what the media is about. For example, the Passengers movie review chapter. You give a brief explanation about who the protagonists are (and their actors), the plot, the setting, etc. It's good to know what something is about before we read your review.
I like your review style too. You're very down-to-earth and I can tell you're genuinely passionate about what you're reviewing.
In general, I think this is a very cute review book that effectively shows your opinion without coming off as overbearing or like you're biased. You like what you like, you dislike what you dislike. It's simple and effective, and it's a good book for people looking for new media recommendations.
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What Didn't Work:
I actually don't have much to say. It's meant to be an informal review book, and I'm not about to judge you for your opinions on media as long as your opinions are explained well, which they are.
I only have one thing that I found a bit hard to read, and it was the frequent use of all caps. It's informal so you can write however you want, but I found the all caps very hard to read. I find italics much easier to read, and they give just as much if not more emphasis to a word as all caps does.
It was even harder to read when certain words were bolded and put in all caps. But again, that's my personal preference and not me telling you to change it. It's an informal review book, so you can write it however you want, and I encourage you to do so. As a reader though, I thought I'd share what I didn't care for in the piece.
Otherwise, I had no issues with the review book.
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Summary:
- Lots of variety
- Good job introducing the media
- Cute, simple, and effective
- Consider using all caps less
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Detailed Feedback - TBBT: The Sequel Situation
What Worked:
It was interesting to read this since it is quite literally the only book I've ever read on Wattpad that knows the difference between script and book format. You commit to the script format, and considering this is fanfic of a TV show, it makes sense. Most Wattpad authors will format the dialogue like a script, but the rest of the story is like a book and in past tense. Thank you for sticking to your guns instead of flip flopping between different structures.
Authors who use script format for books are a pet peeve of mine. For starters, if you're writing a book, you shouldn't be using script format. Secondly, scripts are in present tense, not past, so it's grammatically wrong. Authors always get this wrong.
However, your story does not have these issues since you commit to the script structure. I'm a film major, so reading a story that actually commits to the script format and does it (mostly) correctly was refreshing. There were a few errors, but I'll cover that in the next section. I'm so so so happy this story is in present tense. Most people who use script format write in past tense, but screenplays need to be in present tense, so good job keeping it in present.
You do a good job capturing Sheldon's personality. He certainly has a unique personality that's hard to capture in writing since it requires a lot of performance. The actor playing Sheldon, from all I've seen from him, does a great job displaying Sheldon's quirks. This story does a solid job displaying them too, and you can almost hear the performance of the actor when you're reading some of the dialogue.
Similarly, you do a good job capturing the feel of a sitcom. There is a lot of light-hearted comedy mixed with emotions that make it feel like TBBT, based on what I've seen from the show.
I like some of the humor you used. There were many moments where I was hooked on the comedy, and one thing that stood out to me in particular was using the characters to ask readers to vote at the end of the chapter. That was a clever and humorous way to ask readers to vote, and it also didn't sound over-the-top or anything like that.
Not many Wattpad authors find creative ways to ask for votes. As a writer, I understand it's hard to find a way to ask for support without coming off as needy or excessive. You find a great, clever balance that I really admire you for.
The story is written with passion. It feels very energetic and like you have a good idea in mind to keep the story moving. I always admire authors who you can tell have passion for their work, and I can tell based on the way it's written that you like writing this story.
This may sound strange, but I like the chapter titles. They're creative and fun, but they don't detract from the story in any way. They make the narrative stronger, so you have a good balance where the titles aren't over-the-top but also aren't underwhelming.
In general, I respect you for writing this story. It seems like you experimented and did something you were passionate about, so I admire and respect that.
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What Didn't Work:
Scripts have a naturally faster pace when you're reading them because, well, you're reading them. Scripts are meant to be performed, and the actors are what give the script room to breathe. However, even by script standards, the pacing is a bit too fast. You could definitely benefit from slowing the scenes down and adding a bit more to them to give them more weight.
For example, the first chapter moves very fast and we don't have much time to linger on the character interactions. There isn't much subtext to what Emily and Raj are saying to each other, and after Raj apologizes, it cuts to after dinner where she pecks him on the cheek. It feels out of nowhere since there was no build up to it, and it feels rushed since there isn't any subtext in the dialogue.
Along with that, the dialogue changes drastically in that scene. They're ordering food, and as soon as they finish ordering, Raj apologizes for the breakup with no transition between ordering and an emotional moment. Without any smooth transitions to move us into the emotional moment, the dialogue feels out of place.
I brought up that moment because there are several more like it in the later chapters, such as the wedding scene in "The Marriage Mystery." The wedding itself is only five lines, which means it's hard for us, the audience, to feel anything while reading the scene.
The script format is mostly correct. The script is in present tense, you use short ways to describe the environments instead of long paragraphs like a book would do, you put character actions in parentheses, etc.
However, there were some errors. Since you are using script format for everything, you don't need quotation marks ("") around the dialogue. You don't do it often, but it's often enough to be noticeable. Typically, in screenwriting, we capitalize the character's name when they speak and/or when they appear for the first time so it's easier for the actor to find and read, but since this is meant for Wattpad, I don't think you have to capitalize the name.
For example, this is how we do it:
RAVEN:
Are you okay, Sam?
SAM:
(hesitantly)
Yeah, yeah. Thanks for asking.
But again, since this is a story meant to be read and not performed, I think it's fine if you keep the names lowercase.
Another suggestion I have is to cut out some of the greetings and goodbyes. There are a lot of hi's and bye's in the story. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but when there are so many of them, it can feel repetitive. For example, in the playdate chapter, there's a section ("At the end of the playdate") dedicated solely to the two characters saying goodbye. It serves no purpose to the story and doesn't advance the plot, characters, themes, or anything else. It's unnecessary.
There are a lot of grammar errors; I would strongly suggest using a grammar checker to alleviate them. For starters, there are no periods. Every line needs end punctuation even if you are writing in a script, otherwise it looks like you're writing one long, run-on sentence.
Another example is making sure you're not using texting slang in spoken dialogue, such as "u" for "you." An example of you doing this is in the chapter, "The Kids Ecstasy Conundrum."
You sometimes separate dialogue spoken by the same person, but you don't need to do that for a script. Also from the Ecstasy chapter, this happens:
Bernadette: It's the picture of your new baby brother or sister
Are you guys excited?
It should be this:
Bernadette: It's the picture of your new baby brother or sister. Are you guys excited?
You don't need to separate it, especially not in script format because then it makes the audience think someone new is speaking.
You use both numerals and written-out numbers, sometimes in the same sentence. Like "It's been three years and 2 months" from the chapter "The Marriage Mystery." Every author has different recommendations, but the "standard" (differs depending on where you're from) is to make sure you're writing out numbers between one and one hundred. So, the sentence should be, "It's been three years and two months."
Lastly, I would very strongly recommend not using all caps. They're distracting, hard to read, an example of telling over showing, and it comes off as you yelling at the audience. I would suggest using italics as an alternative if you want to show emphasis to certain words.
Since you're writing as a script, more telling over showing is expected, but any areas where you can limit it is appreciated.
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Summary:
- Unique writing style
- Good job capturing Sheldon's personality
- Lots of passion in the story
- Good job capturing the feel of TBBT
- Interesting humor
- Some pacing issues
- Some grammar issues
-Consider cutting out some greetings and farewells
- I strongly recommend refraining from using all caps
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Overall:
My Favorite Media Picks and TBBT: The Sequel Situation are unique sources of media that appeal to a variety of Wattpad users. If you're looking for a book compiling good entertainment picks, then My Favorite Media Picks is for you. If you're looking for a different fanfic style, then TBBT: The Sequel Situation is for you.
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Thank you for submitting your work. It was fun to read different styles of writing. I haven't had anyone submit anything other than a book before, so this was a nice change of pace and I'm glad I got to take a look at your favorite media picks. Even though I've never watched TBBT since I'm not a fan of sitcoms, I enjoyed your fanfiction.