Intro:
Those Fireflies in the Gichaseon is a supernatural fanfiction written by taetebts. It is a contained story, so it is a small-scale oneshot. If you're looking for a quick read, then this story is for you.
Since I have already reviewed Caught In A Lie multiple times in great detail, I hope it is okay with the author that I focus on Those Fireflies in the Gichaseon for this review. Still, I voted on Caught In A Lie.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
I'm a speculative sci fi writer, so I'm probably biased when I say this, but I enjoyed the ambiguity in the story. I like how you don't straight up tell us everything about the dimension. You leave enough open to interpretation to give readers room for thought. The best part about stories, in my opinion, is the impact it leaves on you afterwards. That's why leaving certain aspects of your story open to interpretation is fascinating: it gives people something to talk about.
I also like how you decided to cover a darker topic in an interesting way. These types of stories are common, but not in the way you told it. Instead of being cliche or anything like that, you took a familiar idea and covered it in an intriguing manner. I appreciate authors who take dark topics and use their creativity to display them.
It's a pretty good length for a oneshot too. I tend to dislike oneshots that are really, really long because at that point they're not oneshots, they're novellas. However, you don't have that problem. The length is good and gives enough time to flesh out the characters without feeling rushed.
Other than one thing I'll bring up in the next section, the pacing is good. It doesn't feel too fast or too slow. You take your time to explain what's happening instead of dumping it on us all at once, especially during the beginning section. That segment required a lot of description but you managed to balance it so it never felt like too much.
The characters were engaging. The protagonist had a compelling story that made you empathize with her. You didn't want to see her get hurt more, and you also deeply understood what she was going through, almost to an uncomfortable degree.
However, that's what I also like about the plot of the story: you don't shy away from the dark side and you're not scared to make readers feel a bit uncomfortable. The whole point of reading a book is to come away from the story with some type of emotion.
At first, I wasn't a fan of the use of italics to tell the story, but as it went on, it added a fantastical element to it, and considering what the story is about, it makes sense. I always enjoy authors pushing their limits creatively and trying new things, so I'm glad you did something most people don't.
I won't spoil the plot and themes for anyone reading this who isn't the author, but I enjoy the overall theme of the book and I think it was presented well. It made me think, and I always like stories that can make me do that. Especially on Wattpad.
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What Didn't Work:
The story can be hard to understand sometimes because of the word order and grammar issues. I understand English is not your native language, and I have already told you this before so I won't dwell too much on it.
Still, I'll give a couple of examples of confusing sentences:
"My legs were getting stiffed..."
- The "getting stiffed" is the awkward part here; an alternative would be "My legs were stiff" or "My legs were getting stiff."
"The third person spitted his words like venom as it gave me shivers of terror through my whole body."
- The "as it gave me shivers" doesn't feel like it connects to the previous part of the sentence, and "spitted" should be "spat."
"Without looking back he understood that I was following him but except asking why he questioned concernedly 'Shouldn't you return to your home by now?'"
- The sentence lacks punctuation and there are some confusing word choices in there. An alternative would be, "Without looking back, he understood that I was following him. Instead of asking why, he questioned, "Shouldn't you go home now?"
I'd recommend using grammar editing software to help steer you in the right direction. You have a strong sense of vocabulary, but the words don't feel as impactful because the sentences are hard to read. Another factor is punctuation. There are many cases where a sentence needs punctuation but it doesn't have it.
For example: "You look pretty young than that" I tried to make him laugh but it did not instead we sat on the ground and eventually laid beside each other.
This is an alternative version of the sentence:
"You look (much) younger than that." I tried to make him laugh, but it didn't work; instead, we sat on the ground and eventually lay beside each other.
I put the "much" in ( ) because it's optional.
Remember that dialogue needs end punctuation no matter if you're using a dialogue tag or not. Most of the dialogue doesn't have end punctuation. If you are using a dialogue tag, make sure the tag is lowercase if it is not a proper noun (for example, he said, she said, she asked, etc.).
Moving more into the creative side of the story, I'd recommend describing emotions in a stronger way. This may tie into the grammar, but the word "shocked" is used quite often to describe what the main character is going through. In my opinion, for a situation so traumatic, describing these emotions in more detail would be more beneficial to the story.
There are times where the words feel too clustered together when you could have gotten to the point in a less confusing way, like "...making a serene view of some hypothetical collection of potentially diverse observable universes." If you read that out loud, you'll hear how clunky that sounds due to how many words are clustered together to say something that could have been explained in a much tighter, smoother manner.
The pacing is overall fine except for in one moment when they're going into the unknown dimension. We don't get to see how she feels about this situation. She's about to enter a new dimension, but we don't get insights into her thoughts about it.
The text says: "Do you trust me?" He asked after contemplating my reaction.
The paragraph before that just described what was awaiting them. That line feels strange because we weren't shown her reaction.
That's an example of the dialogue tag thing I was talking about before. Since the "he" is a tag, therefore a continuation of the dialogue, it should be lowercase even though the dialogue ends with a "?".
So: "Do you trust me?" he asked...
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Summary:
- Interesting ambiguity
- Interesting topic
- Good length + pacing
- Engaging characters
- Good themes
- Grammar issues
- Some confusing word clusters
- Could use some words, like "shocked," less in favor of stronger emotional descriptions
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Overall:
Those Fireflies in the Gichaseon is a short oneshot that does an effective job displaying its themes. In general, from what I've read by this author, they tend to have theme-heavy stories. If you enjoy stories that have a central message and takeaway, then you should check out their profile.
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Thank you for submitting your story. I enjoyed reading another story from you. It seems you have a solid grasp on themes and creative ideas, so I'd be interested in checking out more of your work in the future, maybe when my college semester is over. I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, please let me know.