Gracie was back in Los Angeles. Back by the beach. It had been eleven days since she'd hurt Ellie. Eleven long fucking days. Two hundred and sixty four hours. Fifteen thousand, eight hundred and forty minutes. It felt like forever. Infinity. It didn't fucking have an end. Taylor still texted her as normal, but there weren't any snapchats from Taylor of Ellie, no photos that Ellie had secretly sent when Taylor wasn't looking. No photos of the cats, or what the chicken she'd been named after was up to. No details about Ellie's school, or her friends... nothing.
Miles had been away for nine days. That had been the longest that Gracie had been away from him since they'd started dating. But... she liked it. Having the house to herself, being able to do or say whatever she wanted. She was sitting in her Los Angeles home, and she felt guilty. She had enjoyed the nine days away from him more than she'd ever begun to realise - and she didn't want them to end. She didn't want him to come back. Sure, his mother had been in a car accident and that was terrible... and she felt so guilty for the relief that had settled in its wake. There was just so much guilt. Between Ellie and wishing Miles wouldn't come back home... it was weighing her
down. Life was really heavy at the moment.
Gracie got out of bed, and let Weenie out to the yard, frowning. She loved Miles. She did. She was sure of it. So why was she so relieved at the fact that he wasn't here? That her house was hers again, that she wasn't tied down. That there wasn't someone smacking her ass every time he saw it. That he wasn't wanting sex on the couch at two o'clock in the afternoon. Gracie tucked her hair behind her ears, sitting down on the chair outside.
"Weeeenie!" She grinned as her dog came running over to her, a big smile. Even Weenie seemed so much happier.
Pulling her phone out of her pocket, she knew who she wanted to talk to. There was one person who'd be able to make her feel better. Usually, she'd phone up Abby, who was pretty good at talking some sense into her. But Abby didn't like Miles. In fact, Abby hated him. When Miles walked into a room, Abby walked straight out of it. So Gracie wouldn't say these things to her.
So she called up Taylor. Even though she knew she probably shouldn't. Taylor had assured Gracie that it was all okay, that it was all fine. But Gracie knew it wasn't.
"Hey," She spoke with a smile. If there was something that would make her feel better - it was hearing about the latest shenanigans that Taylor and Ellie had gotten up to. Los Angeles was a long way away from Nashville and she hated that sometimes. "How's Ellie?"
"She's doing a full day of school on Monday," Taylor told her quietly. "Are you okay?" Taylor immediately asked, and Gracie sighed.
"I'm... I'm actually doing better than okay?" Gracie shook her head, confused with the thoughts going on inside. "It's weird."
She heard Taylor move and sit down, heard her best friend get ready for a conversation.
"What's weird about it? You're allowed to be doing okay, Gracie." Gracie felt so privileged to get to talk to Taylor in moments like this. She felt so privileged that she knew Taylor as well as she did. Sometimes she wanted to pinch herself.
"Miles hasn't been here for like... nine days. He's coming back tomorrow afternoon, I think. But I think I've liked him being away far too much. I mean, his Mom was in a car accident and I'm here feeling relief in the fact that I'm here alone." Gracie felt tears in her eyes, and she shook her head. "Is... has Ellie talked about what I did yet?"
"She's... no. No really. Why do you think you're... feeling that way? The sense of relief?"
Gracie bit her lip. "I don't know. I really like him, Taylor... I don't want to be feeling like this."
"Can I be honest with you for a minute?" Taylor was hesitant, and Gracie knew what that meant. She knew that it was going to be the sort of honest conversation that she didn't want to hear. The sorts of things that abby had given up trying to get her to hear.
But maybe it was one that she needed to hear now.
"Please," Gracie's voice cracked. She'd had plenty of these conversations with Abby she hoped Taylor might not be so likely as to scream at her like her best friend had.
"I know you love him, and I'm not saying that he's a terrible person." Taylor paused, and Gracie closed her eyes. "But I've noticed some red flags, Gracie. I didn't want to be the one that said that, I didn't want to be the one who brought them to your attention, but I'm really worried about you."
Gracie's eyes were wet, her fingers fidgeting. She could feel her anxiety creeping up, feel herself beginning to spiral.
Red flags? Miles? He was supposed to be her soulmate.
"Oh," Gracie murmured with a fractured voice.
"Ellie was actually the one who pointed them out to me," Taylor told her - and this was what broke her. Ellie had noticed? Gracie had promised, months ago, that if Miles stopped treating her like a princess... that she'd leave. And yet Gracie had been the one to say that Ellie was too young to understand. It became abundantly clear that Ellie knew it from the start.
"What did she notice?" Gracie needed to hear it.
"The snide little comments, Gracie. Disregarding your future, what you want for yourself. He didn't like your lipstick, didn't like your perfume. He'd make you feel guilty if you didn't leave with him at the end of the night. His hands are always... they're always on your ass. Ellie said that she thinks your body is the least interesting thing about you. And she's nine, Gracie." Taylor paused, and Gracie felt a tear run down her cheek. "But most of all, Ellie noticed you. How you wouldn't wear your favourite lipstick, how after that night you won't wear that perfume anymore. How you always... how you just... didn't have your shimmery glow about you anymore."
Gracie swallowed, trying to steady herself.
"Most of all, she was worried about your sparkle."
"I don't know what to do," Gracie told her. "I don't know what to... I really thought I loved him."
"You can love someone and have it turn out that they're not good for you, Gracie. I mean, I loved Joe, but he wasn't good for me." She heard Taylor pause, knew she was probably thinking about what to say. Taylor took being a supportive friends very seriously. "And now I've found something even better."
Gracie smiled - she knew how happy Taylor was, how Derek didn't limit her sparkle, didn't try and make her out to be anything but herself.
"I don't know what to do," Gracie breathed. "I just... I feel... exhausted, Taylor. I don't know what to do. How do I get out of it?" Panic was setting in, and she felt like all she wanted was to be single. To get to know herself again. "I... he was so nice and then..."
"Then he wasn't?"
"And neither were his friends," Gracie admitted softly. All of the things, all of the fucking things she'd known weren't right but she'd shoved deep inside herself... they were coming to the surface. She'd suppressed them for so long... but she was feeling them now. "They'd... they'd make fun of me."
"Make fun of you?" Gracie could hear the shock in Taylor's voice. She knew she sounded like she was talking about dumb Highschool drama - but his friends had been awful to her. She'd laughed and pretended like it was all just a big joke - but the things that they'd said had really hurt.
"They just... picked on everything I did." She felt like an idiot. "What I wore, my hair... if my nail polish was chipped." She'd just laughed and made out she didn't care - but it wasn't until now that she realised that it had been gnawing away at her.
Until she had nothing left.
"I just... I don't think I realised it until I was away from him." Gracie's hands were shaking. Her heart was breaking. Thinking that someone is going to be endgame, when really, they're just another dead end? Gracie was hurt. Fundamentally she knew she had to get out... but she still loved him.
"He... he's not all bad," She said, deflating more and more by the second.
"I know he's not," Taylor told her. Gracie wished, more than anything in the world, that she could have a hug right now. "There's good parts to him, you just have to decide if they outweigh all of those other things."
Gracie knew the answer the moment Taylor said it.
"I don't... I don't think they do anymore. I think they did, or at least, I wanted them to." Her voice was quiet, it was as chipped and cracked as the nail polish on her index finger. "I'm just so tired."
"I just want my best friend to have her sparkle back," she heard Taylor's shaky breath. "Whatever you decide, Gracie, I'm behind you every step of the way."
"I can't do it anymore." Gracie didn't even think twice before speaking. "I can't do it. I don't want it anymore. I need out. I can't breathe. I can't sleep. And I just... I really fucking hate myself at the moment."
Taylor paused, and Gracie heard a muffled voice in the background.
"Is that Ellie?" Gracie asked, her voice breaking.
"Do you want to come and say hello to Gracie?" Taylor asked her daughter.
Gracie could faintly hear a little voice.
"No thank you, I have to go and... um, feed the chickens."
How the fuck had she been so mean? What if Ellie never forgave her for this? What if she'd fucked it all up - just because of a stupid guy?
"She'll come around," Taylor told her. Gracie didn't believe her. Gracie was certain that Ellie would never love her ever again. "You can get through this, Gracie. I know it's heavy... but I know you're capable of holding on. And I'm always, always here for you. Always."
-
Gracie was sitting on the couch in a sweatshirt stained with her watercolour tears. Her eyes were stinging. Weenie was curled up beside her, and all Gracie wanted was to fucking disappear.
Her journal was open in her lap and there was a pen in her hand. She'd started a song, trying desperately to process the whirlwind of thoughts that were going through her fucking head. It was one of those moments where she wasn't actually sure what she was feeling. Why she was feeling it. All she knew was that she wanted these feelings to go away and she wanted Ellie to forgive her and she just wanted to stop feeling for a moment.
How had it gotten to this? A few months ago she'd been prancing across the stage of the Eras tour, and here she was. A fucking wreck.
In the tangled sheets of whispered doubt
Moonlit dreams and a bittersweet ballet
Every heart beat reminds me of the fall
The drought, dead lands rot
Look now, it's monsoon season
In the twilight of a loveless night
Every step takes me further away
From the glistening sunlight
Thrusts my head six feet under
A disarray of bitter goodbyes
I'll keep holding my head high
Disguise the empty chest under
A mirage of niceties and burning cocktails
Broken record
Spinning around and around on repeat
The ballerina cursed to dance
Inside a music box
Over and over with no end in sight
What is she supposed to do?
Her feet are glued to the floor
There's no escape from her gold cage
Phone lines hang empty
Ghost towns... no gold
Empty bar... no seats
The sparks blew out when the storm rushed in
My love
We can blame mercury and unaligned star signs
Can blame the magnetic force of true north
That drove us into the curb
Dust and bones and dead dreams
A treacherous journey
My love
My love.
I thought we'd conquer the setting sun
Every cliff top, valley and mountain peak
Seasons change... kingdoms fall
Tides shift... hearts break
All of these words I never cried
But my love
My dreams have turned to ash
Trying to make sense of what went wrong
Where we took the wrong turn
But I didn't mark the map
My love
Every step I tread and every breath
I force myself to take
In echoes of busy phone calls
Imprinted on silken sheets
On the Sunday television
In the midst of the memories
I'm finding the strength to let you go
Every tear on my watercolour cheeks
Reminds me that I regret not leaving sooner
Excitement stirs beneath the effervescent sky
Of what sunrise may bring
Goodbye my love,
Goodbye,
Adieu,
Look now, it's monsoon season
But I won't let it drown me
For your girl finally learnt how to swim.
Gracie sat and wiped a tear from her eyes. The song had come to her over the space of an hour. And it seemed to tell her what she already knew. That she couldn't do it anymore.
She had to break up with him. Even though she had loved him. There was also a part of her that fucking hated him for stealing her sparkle and there was a big part of her that hated herself even more for letting her sparkle be stolen.
Gracie Abrams made a silent promise to Weenie, but most of all, to Ellie - in the footnote of her song, she wrote that she would not allow her sparkle to be stolen ever again.