"How is this looking Sanvi?", She asked my over excited sister who looked like she was in wonderland.
She was wearing an earing that I must admit will look good on her. We were in the very crowded Sarojini Nagar Market because these two refused to allow me to follow them if I take them to sophisticated shops.
I adjusted my goggles and felt irritated by these two, but I can't do much because they are in majority. And my sister, who at times get intimidated by me was also being a tigress because of Adya.
"Are you both done??", I asked.
They only looked at me, glared, and then got back to their work.
I was a fool to come here. But I wanted to convince Adya because I knew she was still angry with me. She still insists on staying at her parents' house and she also said she won't go to Nainital. I wanted to know why.
An hour later, I was hungry and thankfully they were too. I rejected all their meaningless orders and took them to a good restaurant that actually cooks good food, rather than the street side pani puri stalls.
I was lucky when Sanvi excused herself for a while, and I was left alone with Adya. I was sitting across her, and I decided to go straight on my question.
"Adya?"
"Hmm?", She looked up from her phone from me. I swear she was avoiding me a little.
"What do you meant by you not going to Nainital?"
She looked a little taken aback at my direct question. But composed herself soon, "I am going to attend Ashima's wedding...it's at the end of next week. They came to invite us both and our families.."
My mood instantly turned off hearing that.
Ashima is getting married. Bhaskar is her best friend. He'd definitely be there. She'd be there with everyone. I can't stay here because of the hospital but I can bring her on the day of the wedding.
Yeah...
"You don't have to stay here for that. Let's go to Nainital, and we'll come back to attend her wedding on the wedding day or the reception.."
She frowned at that, clearly not liking my suggestion, "Bihan we are best friends. She specially asked me to go there for all rituals that means atleast five days. She was there for me. I can't refuse her request.."
"But you can refuse mine?", Somewhere I knew I was being unreasonable. They are friends. But I hate the fact that she'd be in the same air as him. I lived with this same pain for seven years, and it scares me to live through it again.
"Bihan you are being impossible these days. Try to look at it from my side. Ashima has been always there. She was there for my wedding preparations. She was in the front through everything...you can't just ask me to bail out on her when it is her time!", She exclaimed leaving me speechless. I don't have a problem with Ashima. I never did. But that extra package that comes with her aggravates me to no bounds always.
"Fine...do as you wish!"
"Biha..", By then, Sanvi was back, but I could sense the disapproval on Adya's face. She remained quiet throughout, replying only when Sanvi specifically asked something.
I didn't want to make her sad, but I always end up doing it.
'I have always admired her frank attitude, and I believe we both will make a great pair!'- His words from seven years ago echoed in my mind leaving a sourness in there.
'She's your wife dumb ass! A wife for life. She's yours! She's never going to leave you no matter what fool admires her!'- my subconscious mind voices out.
I close my eyes trying to calm myself. It was probably for Ashima's wedding that she went for a shopping spree.
I picked up my phone and texted Sanvi.
"Your bhabhi is low because we argued. Make an excuse and I'll drop you somewhere preferably at your friend's house. I need to convince her."
Her phone pinged and she picked it up to see my message. She passed me a sneaky glance and glared at me. Wow!
"Uhm...Bhabhi...Nitya has brought a new dress and she wants to show it to me. Why don't you both drop me at her place and then pick me up once you finish your shopping?"
Good girl!
"Okay Sanvi! But don't take too long...Papa will have my head..."
"Oh don't worry...let's just finish our food first."
*
Sanvi left the two of us in the car and I saw her getting in her bestfriend's house. Once I was assured, I drove the car to a nearby icecream parlour.
It has been a ritual between us to convince her angry self with a ice cream, something she can't resist.
"Where are we?", She said once I parked.
"I am hungry. Let's eat icecream."
"We have had lunch just fifteen minutes ago.."
I got down the car and went to open her door, "You are refusing ice cream?"
Her eyes narrowed at me as she got down the car.
We have been here before. Once we sneaked out from college and spent five hours here. They have an aquarium and Adya loved to stare at it while talking to me.
I thought about this yesterday only. I can't have her not coming back home to me. Because even though we sleep at two ends of the bed, her mere breathing can calm all my senses and put me to sleep.
Just as we entered, I noticed recognition dawning on her.
"You take a table near the aquarium, I'll place our orders..."
She looked at me, "I want a..."
I didn't let her complete, "Three scoops. All chocolate. Choco chips."
Her opened mouth gaped at me making me internally chuckle. She probably thought I forgot her usual order. She must know it takes a lot to forget small things about the person who has held one of the closest place to your hearts.
After I placed the orders, I took a place beside her as she stared at the swimming goldfishes gently waving their fins. I never understood before why she loved them so much, but gradually it grew up on me.
Whenever she used to stop at unusual places to have a look at these fishes, be it in the zoo, or our school lobby, or that pond back in our neighborhood, I used to stand beside her and give her company.
"I want an aquarium..", she whispered lowly making me amused.
"You know to keep an aquarium, you must be responsible enough to feed the fishes on time. You forget to feed yourself."
She gave me a pointed look, "Then why do you think I married you? You never forget to eat! I am sure you can feed our fishes too!"
I considered that but looked away from her, "You are quite fierce these days. And all your wrath is directed upon me."
"Like you have been a saint these days...no??"
I shook my head, "No...I've not been a saint...but I want you back tonight. In our room."
"Order!", She pointed.
I rolled my eyes, "Okay madam! Please Adya...come back ho...I mean come back to our room."
I was careful to not mention home, because then she'd surround me with all those claims that I am a paternal mentality anti feminists individual who thinks her father's place is not her home!
"I'll think about that..", she huffed folding her hands before her, going back to staring at those fishes. She was definitely the same cute chubby girl, who has only lost her weight in these years.
"...you know what...I know why you brought me here, but sometimes you are difficult for me to understand.", She said making me aware in what direction the conversation was heading.
I was insecure. A hell lot of. But only I knew why! Adya is my most prized possession who was taken away from me for seven long years. I can't bear to lose her again, even when at the time of our wedding I promised myself to not indulge in something as deep as our friendship then.
"There is some stuff that I am not comfortable with you doing... and that is why.."
She turned to fully focus on me, "I want you to tell me all. What stuff it is that you don't want me to do? What is the reasoning behind it. I don't care if they are absurd...but I will try my best to understand you."
Her eyes held determination, and that made mine flickering a little. I don't know if my reasons will ever be reasons enough for her.
While I was still thinking, our ice-creams were placed before us. But I knew they were not important enough to divert the conversation.
"Your friends...they are good...b..but I don't like them...", I uttered with difficulty.
Her eyes softened a little, "Why Bihan? Did you forget they were your friends too? Ashi.."
"I am not talking about Ashima!", I snapped, "...why will I have a problem with her???"
She narrowed her eyes at me, "...then what is the problem with Bhaskar?"
His mere name was enough to boil my blood. I hated him. There was no one in the school or college who did not know about my feelings for Adya. I have been her closest friend and she was mine. He was the new guy who only had few classes in common with her. He took that opportunity to woo her. There was this fact that I was never worried about her being taken away from me as I was so sure we both are meant to be together. I never asked her to be more than my friend. We both were just too comfortable with what we were. But everything shattered the moment I realised the possibility of her being taken away. I acted rashly and went on to asking her to be my girlfriend in front of so many. What made me resent her is how she refused in one go. I still wonder if it was because she liked someone more than me. If it was because she did like the petty approaches made by Bhaskar. I still wonder about it to this day. And I was so disappointed with it all that I distanced myself from everything till I was told I had to marry her. To be honest, I was ecstatic and also surprised. Surprised because I never expected her to be my wife after all went downhill. I knew nothing about what happened with Bhaskar. Were they ever together? If they were, then for how long? Were they close?
And now my behaviour then, looks so impulsive to me now. I cannot hear her say that when I was head over heels for her, she took me nothing more than her friend. This is why I am preferring to maintain my distance. The only girl in my life, my only friend was lost because I started feeling more than I needed to. This is also the reason why I don't want to say that I got jealous over that brute's presence in her life. That instance when for the first time the fear hit me, that my best friend would be taken away from me. A best friend who I always wanted to be my partner. My partner in crime, and then my partner in life.
"...I..I just don't like him.", And with that I looked away and focused on my melting ice cream.
She did not say anything for few moments. But I knew she won't stay silent for long.
"And for just that reason you want me to miss my best friend's wedding?"
I couldn't say anything. Me not liking Bhaskar and not giving her a reason for that was already seeming unjustified.
"Bihan...look at me!", I suddenly felt her hand holding mine and forcing me to turn in her direction.
I had no option but to look at her, deeply. Only I know how much effort I've been putting in to avoid looking at this face and let all those feelings resurface like a volcano. Her eyes were the same as years ago, only more stern and determined.
"I..", I began to utter, "...I don't like Bhaskar."
She stayed calm and nodded.
"Why?", Her voice was soothing and gentle like she didn't want to end this conversation abruptly. To be honest, I too had enough of this.
"He...he can replace me. He...almost did."
Her eyebrows are lifted as if surprised, but she didn't do much to express it.
"Where will he replace you? God! You are thinking to much. You both have no match!! And since when did you become so insecure. He's a charted accountant and you are a physician. He cann..."
I took my hand back from hers. She's not getting it.
"He will replace me in your life. Heck, he almost did! Well, I only got to marry you...he has probably been much more than that." Her lack of reaction gave me a chance to continue. The dam has finally broken.
"...He liked you. He said it clearly. And then when I asked you to be my g.....you clearly rejected me. For whom? For him. It was clear you both liked each other. Every year, I even expected to get a news about you finally getting married with him. Unless, I guess destiny had something else planned and so you had to marry me. But the period of seven years in between. You probably had your best life with him while I was there in the cantonments dying in misery for losing my bes...Fuck it! I don't care at all. I stopped caring years ago. But as a husband, I have to take precautions. I can't allow myself to get humiliated that way when you meet him in front of me! Or even behind my back!"
I was not loud, but loud enough for her to hear. I said it all out. Only so she knows what I went through. She had everyone here. I had no one there. She probably had the best life with all her friends and family, even mine. While me? My own father refused to talk to me. I had all the mis...
"...excuse me!", I turned towards her to see her signalling the waiter who came immediately on our table.
"Yes ma'am?"
"I want a few ice cream tubs for my family."
He nodded, "Absolutely ma'am. Please tell me the flavours so I can take note of them."
After that small exchange, we say their for ten minutes, not uttering a single word. I didn't want to speak and she didn't try to prove my monologue wrong.
She sat back comfortably and stared at those fishes like they were providing her the solution to all this.
Somewhere, I did feel guilty about expressing that her being happy here bothered me. I always wished for her happiness. Only I hated not being a part of it. That was my only resentment.
Once the waiter kept the bag containing tubs on our table, she immediately stood up and headed to the counter to pay.
I gulped the ill feeling that was rising inside me. I don't like her silence.
On our way, we picked up Sanvi, who was going on and on about her friends.
Adya would occasionally smile at her, but she barely ever spoke a word, unless we parked in front of our house.
She opened the ice cream bag, and took two tubs- a blueberry and a chocolate, and passed the bag to Sanvi.
"Sanvi...it has chocolate, butterscotch, vanilla and strawberry. Make sure everybody gets their flavour."
Sanvi looked at her puzzled, "Are you not coming in Bhabhi?"
She shook her head, "I'll take this to Ma and Papa."
With that, she exited the car and left.
"Your phone....", I could only mumble because she was already far. She forgot her phone on the dashboard.
Sanvi observed it all and correctly concluded, "You both did not sort out your fight? Did you?"
I had nothing to say. We both were probably in a deeper mess.
*
"Bhaiya...", Sanvi entered my room keeping five to six bags on my bed, "Here is all that Bhabhi bought. It's all the wedding shoping so she'd probably pack it all in the bag, otherwise I would have arranged it."
"No...leave it there. She'll arrange it when she comes."
Nodding and doing as told, she left the room leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I was not feeling good, like I should have after saying everything. I should have felt lighter. Her lack of reaction was only bothering me.
I made up my mind to not stop her from attending Ashima's wedding. That was an irrational demand from my side.
It's been two hours since we came back but she has not come to take her phone atleast.
Should I go give it to her?
She may receive some important calls.
But she didn't. Her phone has been as silent as she was before leaving my sight.
I was feeling restless and worked up, pacing back and forth my room.
I did not realise how late it got when my thoughts were interrupted with Ma calling me for dinner.
She probably came to cook dinner? I mean she came to cook breakfast.
The thought made me get ready fast for dinner wearing a pair of my tshirt and joggers.
When I reached downstairs, I was immediately disappointed seeing her absence.
My appetite was gone.
Papa was sitting at the head of the table, with Ma adjacent to him. Two chairs were left on his other side as Sanvi and Shanu sat opposite to each other.
"Bhaiya? Where were you at the tea time? Ma had to send it to your room."
And it is probably still sitting there untouched.
"I was busy...call from hospital.", I lied smoothly not wanting any interrogation.
When we began eating, a thought crossed my mind. When she's upset, the first thing she does is skipping her meal.
"Bihan? Why are you eating so less? We have Rajma Chawal today. I made it specially for you."
I felt Papa's gaze on me, so I looked up, "I was not that hungry."
"Bhaiya? You? And not hungry?", I heard Sanvi remark chuckling.
"He's probably missing Bhabhi!", Shanu replied with a snicker.
These two will have each other's head, but they know well how to unite against me.
I glared at both, "Shut up both of you and eat!"
"Bihan? Sanvi was telling me that you had to spend a lot today. You need to leave Sanvi alone with her pocket money so she knows how to spend judiciously. They both find an escape clause in you."
I looked at Ma, "Don't worry Ma. If I would have given this reason before Adya, she would have taunted me for years that I am a bad brother who doesn't want to spend money on his siblings. And my siblings definitely know how to take advantage of Adya's pampering."
There is a rule in our house. After turning 18, we are given a fixed amount of money every month, which is not too much, it was a six-seven thousands in my times, a ten thousand now for my siblings. We have to adjust and spend that money properly without showing any extravagance because then we'll have nothing till the end of the month. It was for us to know the value of money and to not misuse our father's finances.
"Adya Bhabhi is the best. She knows our value.", Shanu said smiling cheekily.
"Why did she not come for dinner?", Papa asked and thankfully I was also eager to hear the answer.
Ma looked at Papa, "She's at her 'Mayka'. For once let her stay in peace. Just because they are our neighbours, doesn't mean she has to juggle between the two houses."
"She forgot her phone in the car."
"Go after dinner and give it to her."
I nodded, her words finally encouraging me to do what I wanted to since hours.
*
"Bihan?", I heard Papa say and that halted my steps. He never really calls me to him.
"Ji Papa...", I mumbled lowly, both my siblings watching our exchange carefully while Ma had a gentle smile on her face.
"Come here...", Hearing him say that, my steps automatically changed the direction and I went to sit on the couch, at a good distance from him. I am just not used to sitting too close with him.
He looked at my mother and then back at me, "I and your mother, both were thinking to get our regular checkup done. There are days when I feel thirst frequently, and then unusual fatigue. It has been going on since months and it escalated since the rush of your wedding. And your mother has constant pain in her shoulder."
That spiked my concerns immediately and I couldn't help but get into my doctor mode.
"I guess you have high sugar levels Papa...and Ma? Why didn't you tell me? It can be spondylitis or bone arthritis. Wait a minute, I'll set an appointment for the two of you to get your complete body checkup, and then I'll myself prescribe the medication."
"Yes...we can take appointments wherever but we'd prefer you look into the treatment."
I'd gladly do that.
"Ofcourse I will. I have a friend in City Hospital. I will ask him to assign a nurse to take your blood samples first thing in the morning and then we'd see what other tests are needed."
They agreed to that. And I came out of my home grinning widely. Atleast my Papa asked for my opinion as a doctor. I couldn't be happier. This means he's coming in terms with my career.
This was one of my best days if only my wife is not upset.
*
I made my way to Chauhan mansion, the guards letting me in smilingly. He must be bored of seeing my face every hour of the day.
I went in. The doors were not locked and Mumma(as she preferred now being called by me) would scold me if I ring the bell.
Both of them, Adya's dad and Mom were sitting in the living room, having a conversation among them when I reached.
"Bihan?", Dad was the first one to notice me, "What happened kid?"
"Dad Adya left her phone in my car."
"Oh did she!? Go and give it to her. But I guess she's sleeping."
Sleeping? She doesn't sleep this early.
They probably sensed my question, "She said she's not feeling well since you all came back. A headache. So I asked her to rest. When I went to call her for dinner, she was still sleeping."
Something is definitely not right.
"I'll go and check up on her.."
Dad nodded, "And ask her to take some medicine."
"She must have not eaten anything?", I asked already knowing the answer.
Ma shook her head, "You go up. I will send her food in a minute. See if she eats."
I was really concerned when I went to her room. But my steps halted the moment I heard some sniffing.
Is she?
I quietly walked away from her closed doors and went to that one window which she always left open.
What I saw simply broke my heart. She was wiping her tears using a tissue and looking up at the ceiling as continuous tears left her eyes. She would not cry in front of me, or anyone else. She hated showing her vulnerable state. That is why she told her mother that her head is paining so she'd be left alone. The room's lights were off. I could only see her face due to the partial moonlight entering her room.
And she's probably crying since hours.
I sighed to myself and gulped all the guilt I was feeling. Not the time to wallow in self loathing.
I went towards the door and knocked twice loudly. I heard some shuffling and gave her time to adjust before barging inside the room.
She had covered herself completely, the blanket clutched tightly in her hands.
I went towards the switch board and switched on the lights.
"Mumma! Please close the lights!", I heard her muffled voice, "My head is still paining."
I went forward and took a place on the edge of the bed, keeping my hand near her head, "Let me massage it. It will become alright."
I felt her going stiff under my hand, and her hold on the blanket suddenly tightened.
When I attempted to remove the blanket, my hand was swatted away.
No words were said to me.
"Dad said to give you some medicine but I won't because I know headache is not the problem here."
She was crying so her head is bound to pain, but that is nothing a ginger tea cannot cure.
She remained still not letting me see herself.
"Adya...? You left your phone in the car. And mom is sending some food, so eat fast and then I will make you a ginger tea."
My words must have registered her because she moved a little. She slightly moved the blanket and slowly sat up. Her hairs were a little messed up, and I could only see the back. She picked up a tissue box which was lying somewhere between the mess on her bed, and then fetched 4-5 tissues. I saw her cleaning her face and wiping her tears, which must have escaped.
I sighed and picked up her glass of water from the table beside, and came to sit in front of her.
Up close, her face looked redder and her eyes blood shot. She has no expression on her face. Like I said, she would do her best to not cry before me. And I hated it.
Just then, her mother entered with a tray of food.
"Adya? Beta? God! You look so unwell.", She kept the tray aside and came to examine her.
"If you were having so much pain you should have called your husband! Did we get you married to a doctor only so you could suffer like this? That's not done baby.."
I thought it's high time I intervene, "Ma.. don't worry. It's late. I'll take care of her. But well...can I use your kitchen?"
"..for ginger tea?", She asked smilingly. Because that is the only thing that I can make.
I nodded to which she replied, "Ofcourse you can. But get her back in shape by tomorrow morning. You know how her papa is."
I nodded and greeting us a good night, she left the room closing it behind her.
"Here, drink this water before you get dehydrated from all the crying."
Instead of taking the glass, she went to the door and opened it.
Turning back to look at me, she said in her most frosty voice, "My parents are gone to sleep. Now you can go. Keep the phone on the bed."
I was surprised at her tone, but I knew I shouldn't be. It was obvious that she is upset, but I not letting her hold onto her anger. I went towards the door, nodding, as if her proposition pleased me. I went to the door, keeping aside the glass full of water, went to where she was standing and bolted the door close with a thud.
She was startled which amused me. Very high and mighty of you to think I will let you stay alone while you are curled up in misery.
"Come here...", I took hold of her hand and pulled her closer to me. This was probably one of our first where her front was completely flushed against mine, both of us being conscious and in our right senses.
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and used another to wander my fingers in her scalp to massage it.
When she realised what I was doing, she started pulling back, "Leave me alone."
"Never."
"Bihan...", She kept a hand on my chest trying to push me away, "....you have no right to do this ..."
I nodded, my hold on her getting firmer, "I have every right to do everything. Stay still like a good girl. Let me enhance the blood circulation here, and you'll feel better in no time."
"Bihan..."
"Shhhh!"
*
I saw her gulping her food in grudge. I sat with a glass of water in case she chokes on the food from the way she was eating. Making her eat was difficult, but I only had to threaten her about calling her parents if she doesn't comply.
Once she was done, I went downstairs to keep her plates and to also make her a tea. I learnt making this particular tea for her only because when we were still in 11th grade, we were quite fond of a tea stall near our tution place. I liked having fritters while Adya loved their ginger tea. Once during a demolition drive, the stalls were moved to some other place where we couldn't go. She was extremely upset because of that. And so with the help of my mother, I learnt how to make this one.
Lost in my own thoughts, I made the tea and headed to her room.
"Adya...have this...and your headache shall all vanish.."
She was doing something on her phone when I got back. When she heard me, she passed a last look to the screen and then kept it aside switching off.
I had brought some tea for myself too. So when she started sipping on hers, I felt glad and sipped mine.
Silence followed. I know she's not feeling good. She must have felt very disheartened hearing me talk all that. But can I help! I do not know what to do when it comes to what I felt years ago. To be honest, living away from her has scarred me bad. And even though, I'd often say I am better off alone, I knew nothing will make sense in my life if she's not by my side.
"Pack your bags tomorrow when you feel better. We'd be going to Ash...."
"I am ready to go to Nainital whenever you want.", She said monotonously not looking at me.
I narrowed my eyes at her, "Adya...you wanted to go t..."
"Now I don't want to.", She said making me tensed.
Keeping the cup aside I turned to face her completely, "See... whatever I said was in the heat of the moment. You do not have to change your plans to attend your friend's wedding. Infact, I wi..."
She stopped me from speaking using her hand and looked straight into my eyes.
"Attend my friends' wedding? Sorry Bihan, I wouldn't want my husband dying here in the misery that I am having my best life with another man. So much humiliation would come to you. Leave that, what if I run away with him? I am such a fickle minded woman, you should be careful with me..."
"Adya...I did not m..."
"I do not care what more you have to say to me. I have heard it all. Your husband duties end here. Stop caring for a person like me. And let me perform my wife duties. I'd go wherever you want, do whatever you say. So Nainital it is. Just let me stay in peace tonight and come in terms with your thoughts about me. I'll be fine tomorrow."
And to say I did a blunder, would be an understatement.
I saw her lying down and then closing her eyes to sleep. I could only manage to stare at her in guilt. God Bihan! You let your insecurity rule you. You always kept your mouth shut in order to not hurt her. And that is the first thing you do the moment you both talk.
I cover her up with a duvet and pick up her phone, wanting to confirm a doubt creeping in my mind.
The last screen was her chat box with Ashima, and her exact text was, 'Ashima...I am sorry, but I will not be able to attend your wedding because I have to go to Nainital. It is something unavoidable. Please forgive your friend.'
Ashima only replied with, 'What? Why? Adya talk to me....Adya??'
*
I am a very compliant man, but sometimes I am not. I did not leave the room like she asked me to. Instead, I laid down in the small space left in her bed to keep a watch on her.
The seven years of separation, our life before that and our life after that flashed before my eyes as I looked at her face that clearly looked restless, even in her sleep.
Gathering the courage I had in me, and for the first time letting my greedy love for her overpower my rationality, I caressed her face, making her relaxed. And then I leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead.
"I am sorry Adu.."
*