Ryan
Ryan couldn't help it: he felt guilty.
He felt guilty every time he was at football practice rather than studying. He felt guilty every time he laughed with his teammates rather than missing his mom.
He felt guilty whenever he was drinking rather than studying. He felt guilty whenever he was having fun with his roommates and playing video games or watching movies rather than missing his mom.
He especially felt guilty lying in bed, texting with Jacky and not thinking about Charlie. Or his mom.
It had been something he used to talk to Jacky about, back in high school. They might be making out or doing more, and the moment Ryan felt happy, he would also feel sad. How many countless times had he broken down crying mid-sex that Jacky had to comfort him?
Ryan knew his mom would want him to be happy and not spend all his time studying, but he couldn't help it. He didn't really have anyone he trusted to talk to about things like that. Pete was too busy, and he didn't want to burden Charlie. Charlie had enough problems.
Like right now. Charlie had texted that they had been having a shitty day and wanted to come over and get away from "roommate drama." Ryan's phone had buzzed with a text that he just knew was from Jacky, but they were sitting on the couch with their heads close together, and Charlie explaining it all. "She keeps saying it's just a phase but, like, it's my identity. She basically called me straight because I'm dating you."
Ryan bit back his first instinct to offer Charlie a place to stay here. He couldn't keep up whatever he was doing with Jacky if Charlie lived here. Even though he felt like a therapist saying it, he said, "It sounds like she doesn't respect you."
"Yes!" Charlie agreed, and continued talking, even as Ryan's mind wandered to the idea of going to therapy himself again. He could sense how overwhelmed he was getting with everything, especially now that his classes were fully underway. He had continued going to see Dr. Burns all through his senior year and the summer before college. Not having a therapist to see every week had felt freeing at first.
"I'm just worried things are going to get as bad as they were last year, and then I worry that if this has happened more than once, then it's not my roommates, it's me," Charlie sighed, sagging.
Ryan hated seeing Charlie so down. He wrapped them up in his arms and offered what words couldn't.
A short time later, Harper came home, and Charlie wiped their eyes and began telling Harper about what was going on. Harper offered to murder her roommate, and Ryan took that moment to go to the bathroom and check his phone.
Currently trapped in an elevator
Ryan responded immediately, even though he could see the text had been sent about ten minutes earlier. Are you ok???
He sat in the bathroom for several minutes longer, waiting for Jacky to respond.
And he felt guilty about that, too.
Jacky
The room was dark when Jacky woke up from his nap. He fumbled for the reading light clipped to his bedframe and saw that he was alone in the room. His phone wasn't immediately visible, but sitting up alerted him to the object in his pocket.
It was after nine o'clock, which meant that he had missed dinner. More importantly, Ryan had texted him back, asking if he was okay. He had to go into his text thread to see that of course the text about being stuck in the elevator had gone through.
After struggling out of bed, Jacky jammed his shoes on, grabbed his lanyard, and headed to the grocery store in the dining center that was open until eleven. On a Wednesday night this late, the campus was nearly deserted. Jacky shivered and typed out a message to Ryan.
I'm okay now, thanks
Ryan must have been waiting by his phone. You had me worried! It's been 5 hours!
Sorry, I fell asleep... Must have been the lack of oxygen in the elevator
How long were you trapped in there??
I'm just kidding, it was only five minutes or so
BUT IT WAS A LONG FIVE MINUTES
Okay, good. I mean good that you weren't actually suffering from lack of oxygen
Now I'm on a mission to get some food
I'm starving and I'm tired of ramen and cereal
Pizza?
Ugh pizza and tacos too. Who knew you could get sick of pizza and tacos?
Yeah I'm sick of those too
What I wouldn't do for your mom's spinach lasagna
Or WHO would you do for my mom's lasagna? 😉
Ryan didn't answer back right away. Jacky had reached the dining center anyway, and he stepped under the bright florescent lights. The hunger half of his brain stalked down the aisles, looking for something good. The other half kept checking his phone for Ryan's response. Had he flirted too hard? Maybe Ryan was in a serious mood tonight. Shit.
Jacky was about to conclude that the store had nothing worth eating and it was his karmic punishment to go home hungry and waste away when he saw the boxes of PopTarts. He picked out a strawberry flavor, then on the way to the cash register he detoured to a display of beef jerky. Protein was necessary to feel full, so he grabbed a few different flavors, as well as a package of spicy peanuts.
As soon as he stepped outside, he tore open one of the Slim Jims, then checked his phone. Still no response.
He tried to rationalize it on the walk back to the dorm. Ryan could have gone to bed early. Ryan had four roommates, maybe one of them was talking to him. Or Charlie could have come over and Ryan had to break up with them. Jacky imagined the apologetic but firm way Ryan would say, "I'm back together with my ex."
Or maybe Ryan wasn't interested in Jacky anymore. Viciously, he jabbed his key in the lock to his door and slammed inside, slapping on the light switch and hoping Billy would be getting busy with some other guy, because suddenly Jacky just wanted to ruin someone's day.
But the room was empty, and Jacky shut the door. Maybe Ryan was having second thoughts, and was searching for the kindest way to say, Sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea to get back together.
Jacky found an old horror movie on TV and ate two packages of PopTarts, which he instantly regretted. As a hockey-masked Jason stalked down his next teenage victim, Jacky's phone buzzed. He braced himself and looked at the text.
You know that was the only reason I dated you, right?
It took Jacky a moment to realize that Ryan was making a joke, and then a grin split his face. Jacky sent an eggplant emoji.
I want to see you in person
Or maybe a video call?
Want to call now? My roommate isn't here
Mine is... ☹
Maybe we could pick a time? I would love to see your face too
Jason murdered two more people before Ryan responded.
I guess what I want is to talk to you about where we're at... I've been seeing someone and I don't want to hurt them if this isn't going to be something
Jacky's brain stuttered. Ryan had been seeing someone. How serious was it?
And I want this to be something
But I also don't want you to dump me again out of nowhere. If you aren't ready I need to know
That last text blurred in Jacky's vision, and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. When he looked back at his phone, the screen had gone dark.
Was he ready?
Or had he just given up and decided dating Ryan was easier?