New chapter with 5K words. Please write a comment about the feelings you felt while reading between the lines. Don't forget to give stars. Pay attention to the dates. Yoongi talks about 2015, Jimin talks about 2017. This story will progress to the current date. In general, you can make comments, suggestions or predictions about the sections, these will help me.
I added the song of the new chapter to the media section.
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*You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I will always love you, that's where I'll be waiting. *
-Peter Pan
2015 from Yoongi's narration
It was June 2015 when I successfully graduated. I still hadn't told my friends that I would start my master's degree in Italy in September 2015, without leaving much time for myself to rest. I cried on my mother's knees and made my own wet soil even wetter. I cried so much for my land, which had no seeds of any flower, that it was just mud. I was so lost within myself that all my troubles accumulated like tears and became like a swamp. Maybe my mother was right. Maybe I was the Lotus flower. Alone. I never bloomed. 'There is a right time for every flower to bloom. ' they would say. Who would know and who would expect a flower that has never bloomed in a swamp?
I needed a beer and to close my eyes and have someone tell me something. That's why I found myself in front of the door of Namjoon's ground floor apartment with a small balcony. With a bag full of beer in my hand and life burdens on my shoulders that no one would care about but were too heavy for me. Even though I wasn't a smoker, I also bought a pack of cigarettes that night. My mind was so smoky that I guess I didn't see any harm in my lungs being smoky too.
If my mother knew, she would also be upset about this. I swore in my mind that I would never buy cigarettes again. When Namjoon opened the door, he invited me in. There was even a small wall bookshelf in his toilet, and his apartment smelled only of books. It was a hot and humid June evening. The door to his balcony was wide open and the sounds of the bustling life outside were pouring in. It felt like the books were talking to each other.
"It doesn't seem like you live alone,"
I said once again after looking everywhere and left the ice cold beers I had just bought on the table.
''Loneliness is a choice. It depends on how you define loneliness."
I opened a beer for myself and laid my body down on one of the comfortable chairs. I thought about what he said. He was right. Loneliness had many definitions. After opening his beer like me, he sat across from me and relaxed with the comfort of being in his own home. We both took a few silent sips of the beers. I stared at the ceiling. I looked at the strange lamp hanging from the ceiling in Namjoon's apartment. It caught my attention at that moment. I leaned back and put my head on the couch.
''I bought myself a pack of cigarettes.''
Namjoon didn't answer. It wasn't a statement I wanted him to respond to.
''I want to smoke tonight. Can I smoke in your apartment?"
"You don't need to ask permission."
Even though Namjoon knew I didn't smoke, he didn't say anything about it. I took out the cigarette pack from the bag containing the beers and took a stick of cigarette out of it. I realized I didn't have a lighter for the cigarette waiting between my lips. I was so unprepared for some things.
''I don't have a lighter.''
After sighing deeply, Namjoon got up and brought me a lighter from a shelf of his bookshelf and took out a fancy cigarette for himself, I don't know where it came from. After lighting my cigarette, he also lit his own cigarette and sat across from me again.
I coughed after my first careless puff. My eyes, which did not burn when others smoked around me, were burning my eyes when the cigarette was on my lips. I heard Namjoon's loud laugh. While he was smoking his own cigarette comfortably, I was struggling with the smoke.
''Getting used to this poison is one of the greatest lessons in life.''
Namjoon was doing exactly what I needed. I wanted someone to tell me something and I wanted to listen aimlessly. My mind was so full I wanted someone to stop me. No. I wanted it to be able to stop one or more of everything flying in my mind.
''What kind of lesson?''
He held a cigarette in his hand elegantly between his fingers and looked at it for a long time.
''When a non-smoker smokes his first cigarette, he coughs and his eyes burn, just like you. This is the beginning. You have been warned. This is the first moment when you clearly understand that this is a substance that harms you. But people who are addicted have become accustomed to this pain and this poison. Because they have chosen to continue poisoning themselves and get used to it."
I silently looked at the cigarette in my hand and watched the smoke leaving a soot smell on my fingers.
''When a baby is being raised, his mother tells him that if he touches fire, his hand will be burned. Maybe she will have to repeat this hundreds of times. But when that baby eventually becomes an adult, he knows that fire burns and harms. We are not babies. We are long past the age when our mothers should tell us that smoking is harmful. So, it's a choice Yoongi."
''Just like loneliness is also a choice... You are right...''
Namjoon sat up and leaned forward, pointing at me with the beer in his hand. I was leaning my head on the couch and watching him with narrowed eyes.
''Yoongi, you are not alone. "You are not in a position to define loneliness, erase it from your mind."
I breathed deeply. I didn't know what to answer.
He stood up and took a thin book from the shelves. I was amazed at how he could find the book he wanted without searching. Namjoon was an interesting man. He opened a page of the book and read it out loud. A lot of verses with words I didn't understand filled my ears. He picked up another book and leafed through its pages. When he found what he was looking for, he placed the book on my lap. There was only one word I saw and never understood. Lacuna...
"You're not alone, Yoongi. You are Lacuna."
While my cigarette, whose ashes were almost falling off, continued to smoke in my hand, I looked at the book. Namjoon had a lot to tell and explain to me.
''What should I understand from this word?''
''That you are not alone...''
"So, what am I if I'm not alone?"
''Incomplete. Unfilled. ''
This word hurt me more than loneliness. Maybe this was worse than loneliness. Maybe it was like an incurable disease. I panicked.
''You're confusing the feeling of loneliness with the feeling of incompleteness. They are both very close to each other, but you are not alone. If you made it here and you're standing in front of me now, you can never claim to be alone. You are struggling with the lack of someone to match the feelings in your heart. You want Jimin to love and complete you the way you love him. You can't call this loneliness."
Thus, I remembered the real reason why I came here. I was leaving here, and the reason was exactly as Namjoon described, this feeling of incompleteness. This was the feeling of incompleteness that I felt because I loved Jimin alone and one-sidedly.
Namjoon was the first person to notice me and Jimin after my mother, and I didn't intend to hide it from him. He knew. He knew how I loved Jimin and that my feelings started a long time ago. We had many conversations together about my feelings.
He kept telling me to be careful and not to let Jimin misunderstand me. He was right. Jimin was fragile. Jimin loved everyone very much. He was an angelic person who could express his love openly, but everyone knew Jimin's love, so it was difficult to choose something special for myself. I was a Hyung for him.
From what Namjoon told me, I was important to him. That's why I shouldn't break his heart. He was right. Jimin was very important to me too. Namjoon and I talked about this so much. I told him everything to make sure I wasn't mistaken.
It wasn't a woman or any man that I wanted to love and be loved by, it was just Jimin. That's why it took me a long time to realize my own identity. It was difficult to express myself under a certain definition. Namjoon was an expert in these matters. He asked me if I was gay. This question made me feel sick. I was very upset that this had to have a specific definition. Why should there be a definition for loving any human being? Namjoon gave me long talks about this and eventually he understood.
He told me it would be difficult but not impossible. Ultimately, I kept my feelings to myself. Jimin was an individual who was free to decide who he wanted to love. I couldn't reveal my feelings to him and ruin his life. This would be a huge burden on his life. Maybe I would scare him too much. Maybe he would say how can a man have such feelings for a man? If I had been selfish and told him I was in love with him, I would have given him a shock he would never forget.
He could ask me 'why', but I couldn't tell him 'I don't know, my heart chose you' because even that sounded ridiculous.
I didn't know how these things were supposed to be. There were no men around me who were in love with each other. But in general, I knew they existed. How was all this happening?
I just had dreams with Jimin in them and I didn't give it a name because I loved a human being. I consoled myself with this, but in theory everything was included in a certain definition, I didn't like it. All these thoughts overwhelmed me.
My mother sometimes said that my perspective might change because I studied in a high school full of boys. I never thought about it. However, I had a girlfriend a long time ago. I couldn't act very caring towards her. I didn't know how to approach her. She was a sweet girl. But when I thought about Jimin, I realized that I wanted to take care of him and make sure he was okay. I realized that this was really important to me.
I could be nice to every person I met, male or female, but the person my heart wanted to embrace and was attracted to like a magnet was Jimin. I couldn't help it. That's why no one understood that I had different feelings towards him. Because I was once a person who had a girlfriend, but I failed at that.
I was not someone who talked much about these issues with those around me. My private life was really very personal, so even if there was a change in me, no one except my closest people could notice it. I still insist on keeping everything private and personal because I realized that I can't listen to people say a lot of things about me when I can't even deal with my emotions. This would be very tiring for me.
Jimin usually shared everything with me. He loved to tell. I don't remember us ever talking about love. These were not topics that were talked about very often. If he had feelings for someone, he would definitely let me know, that's what I thought. Namjoon also told me to wait for this moment. I didn't want to act selfishly and ruin everything because Jimin's presence in my life was a great gift for me. But I couldn't cope with these feelings anymore.
''I'm going to Italy in September.''
After the long silence, the words that came out of my lips piled up like a block of ice between Namjoon and me, giving us goosebumps even on a hot June evening.
He raised an eyebrow and gave me his full attention to provide more details and enlighten him.
''I decided to do my master's degree in Italy. Approved. I'll get my ticket in a few days."
He drank his beer to the end and placed the empty bottle under his feet. He combed his growing hair with his fingers.
''Maybe this is the right thing to do. It might be good for you to get away from here."
I already knew he would say that. He knew that every time Jimin stayed at my house, I would cry and text Namjoon while he was sleeping in my bed. He knew how much pain I was in. He knew that I couldn't push Jimin away from me.
"Did you tell Jimin this?"
''He'll be very angry with me.''
He nodded.
"Namjoon... I want you to keep an eye on him while I'm away."
I rubbed my forehead in distress. I felt my palms sweating.
"I was also very angry when Gum-Jae was moving to Daegu. He was my Hyung in every moment of my life. I know Jimin also sees me as a real Hyung. I can imagine how he will feel. But he will be fine. isn't it?''
Namjoon's long and shapely fingers made a rhythm on his dark blue sofa. He was thinking.
''I don't know, Yoongi. Jimin is a fragile person. He will definitely feel your absence very deeply. We will all feel it. But Jimin has been with you since childhood. Even your families are very close. You were walking around like Tiki-Taka. Everyone who saw you would ask you about Jimin, everyone who saw Jimin would ask about you. So, I really don't know. I guarantee that I will keep an eye on him, but I cannot interfere with his decisions Yoongi, you can do this, but I cannot. That's how your bond is. Everything would be easier if your fucking heart wasn't in love with him."
Because of his heated speech, he hit the empty beer bottle next to his feet and caused a noise.
"Fuck you, Namjoon."
''Fuck you too''
I rolled my eyes and opened another bottle of beer. At that moment, my ringing phone distracted me. It was Jimin. In a panic, I spilled some of the beer on the table.
''Jimin is calling.''
We both looked at each other.
''Pick up the phone!''
When I put the beer bottle back on the table in a panic, it fell over. Namjoon jumped up and caught the overturned bottle.
''Hey Jimin, How are you!''
-Yes..
-I.. ah.. I'm at Namjoon's apartment.
-No, I didn't neglect you.
-I wanted to drink beer.
-Yes, it's a little late.
-I guess, no.
-Are you sure about this?
-Do you want me to pick you up?
-No, I don't think it will be a problem.
-I think that will be enough for tonight.
-I can really pick you up where you are.
-No, there is no change in my voice, I am fine.
-I am waiting.
-Okey.
-Bye.
After hanging up the phone, I threw it on the couch and took a deep breath.
"And while you're having a panic attack just talking to him on the phone, you're talking to me about going to Italy."
I was about to go crazy.
''Jimin is coming here. I told him I was staying here tonight, and he wanted to come too. I asked if I should pick him up, but he said he could come."
I sat back in the chair. In an instant, my whole mood changed.
"Hey... You know what I said about your fucking heart being in love with him wasn't serious, right? I wish I could find a way for you."
I closed my eyes and nodded at him. I wasn't one to be offended by Namjoon's words. Our friendship lasted many years, and he knew everything about me.
''Are you going to tell him? I think this is a good opportunity. Let him find out before it's too late. You can't leave him in a mess."
Under the influence of the alcohol I drank, what Namjoon said did nothing but fire me up. But he was right.
''Okay, I'll tell him.''
When Namjoon took out a case of beer from his pantry and put it in the fridge to cool, I realized that this night had just begun. I quickly ran to the bathroom and cleaned up my appearance while still being lucid. I looked at my image in the mirror. My hair had grown very long and was touching the back of my neck. I decided that it was not suitable for this hot weather at all. I washed my face with cold water.
I didn't know Jimin was coming. I wanted to smell nice for him, but he was allergic to perfume. That's why I used to shower often, but at that moment I realized that I couldn't do that at Namjoon's place. I rummaged through my bag and saw that I had forgotten to give the deodorant to a friend of mine, who I was in the same class with, had left in the library while studying. It smelled nice and light. It was for women. I used it. I smelled like vanilla and water lily.
When I went back to the living room, I saw the cigarette pack lying in plain sight and I hid it on the bookshelf in panic. I smelled my hands again. It smelled like soap. I didn't want to smell like cigarettes. I didn't want to be like a rotten fruit next to Jimin while he smelled like a baby.
While checking my phone, I saw Hoseok's message. He had sent a Camping in the Woods event poster and the prices were very reasonable. He asked a few questions about whether all seven of us could go camping. I liked the idea of camping surrounded by nature for three days. The weather was quite warm, and I was sure that we were in the right season for camping. Therefore, after sending the message telling him to share this idea with others, I ran to open the knocking door. At that moment, Namjoon was coming from the kitchen towards the door.
When Namjoon and I came face to face, I opened the door. Jimin stood in front of me like an angel with all his simplicity, but he seemed a little angry, or so I thought.
''Come in..''
"What's up, Namjoon Hyung?"
Jimin gave Namjoon a friendly pat on the shoulder and hugged him lightly. He had a sweet smile on his face.
Then he turned to me and looked at my face for a few seconds. He smiled until his eyes narrowed into a single line and jumped on me. I stumbled back a few steps and grabbed his waist tightly to prevent either of us from falling. His lips were very close to my ears while his arms were wrapped tightly around my neck.
"I should punish you for socializing without me, Hyung."
He pulled his head back a little and faced me. My hands were still on his waist. Anyone who saw us from outside would think we were dancing. He took a good look at my face and smelled me a little. He was very close to my lips.
I was losing the solid cells in my mind that kept me alive with this closeness.
''Hmm. You smell like you've had at least three bottles of beer."
I was ridiculous because of the roller coaster emotions he was giving me, and I slightly pushed him away from me.
"How can you tell that by smell, that's bullshit."
I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted.
"Namjoon Hyung, tell me the truth, how many bottles of beer did he drink?"
Namjoon raised his hands up as if in surrender, signaling that he was not taking sides in this matter and that he had to tell the truth.
"Three." He laughed slyly.
"Fuck you, Namjoon."
Jimin's laughter grew louder.
"But the real question is how Jimin is sensitive enough to you to understand this. Hm Jimin?''
Jimin put one hand on my shoulder and ruffled my hair.
''I know everything about Yoongi Hyung. Right, Hyung?''
We looked into each other's eyes with Namjoon. I hoped he could see the lightning flashing in my eyes. I understood better what Namjoon told me meant. Yes, hiding anything from Jimin was tantamount to betraying him. I hated myself once again. I hated myself for being the one who would upset him, even though I didn't want to be the last person who would want to upset him.
As we walked into the living room, Jimin asked why we didn't all go to the beach to watch the stars tonight and skipped this night. We didn't have such a plan. We often made spontaneous plans.
''This happened suddenly tonight. I suddenly wanted to drink beer and I bought it and came here."
He turned around and smiled.
''Why did you suddenly want to drink beer? You could have a drink with me too, our apartments are very close to each other, but this place is quite far from us, Hyung?"
He was right. I came here by car, but Jimin had to take the subway after transferring by bus and walk a little distance from the subway stop where he got off. Namjoon lived on the other side of town. So, we usually met somewhere where everyone could meet in the middle.
''Cold beers have arrived!!''
I was glad Namjoon saved me from this question when the beers Namjoon brought from the fridge interrupted our conversation. I was a complete failure.
When Jimin sat where I was sitting before, I had to sit next to him. Namjoon sat right across from us again.
"I haven't been to your apartment in a long time, Hyung."
His eyes wandered all over the apartment. When I sat next to him, I could watch him as much as I wanted. He looked like an angel from every angle.
"If you take a break from living at Yoongi's apartment and visit us, you can see us more often."
Namjoon was playing with fire. He didn't seem to have any purpose other than making me feel more helpless.
''We almost live on the same street, and he helps me with my classes.''
I kicked him lightly with one leg.
"Are you using me for your purposes?"
He took another sip of his beer. He was having fun.
"I haven't even started using you yet, this is a trailer."
I laughed hysterically and then looked at Namjoon. He was in deep thoughts.
"Looks like you won't be able to use Yoongi at all anymore."
As the atmosphere suddenly became quiet, I felt my ears buzzing. Jimin froze in place in confusion, looking both at me and at Namjoon.
''What does this mean?''
At that moment, I could have sworn that my skin tone had turned twice as white. When I looked at Namjoon with fear, I didn't get a reaction. Jimin was waiting for an answer, but all there was a huge silence.
''Why are you silent?''
When Namjoon turned his gaze to the moonlight seeping through the balcony, Jimin gave me his full attention. Thus, they both realized that I was the one who had to answer this.
I couldn't look into Jimin's eyes. I felt a lump in my throat. I swallowed. I drank almost half the bottle in one gulp.
''I'm going to Italy.''
There was a long silence. Jimin watched Namjoon's geometric carpet patterns. Namjoon didn't turn to look at us even once. While I was cursing myself, Jimin collected the finished beer bottles and stood up laughing. He went to the kitchen grumbling to bring new ones.
''Of course, you're going on vacation, Hyung. Italy is a beautiful place. Since you've graduated, you deserve a vacation."
Namjoon hummed quietly after making sure he had gone to the kitchen.
''I'd better get something to eat for us. Enjoy yourself. I won't take my bike; I think walking would be good."
So, I accepted that Namjoon left us alone in his apartment to have this conversation with Jimin. In a way, he was giving me an excuse. When I heard the outer door closing, I slowly stood up and went to the kitchen. He just stood with his back turned, doing nothing. I calmly approached him and touched his shoulder; he was like a delicate porcelain that would break to me.
''Shall we talk for a while?''
I didn't know why my voice sounded so fragile. I felt very vulnerable in front of him.
When he finally turned to me, I saw pearls in my angel's eyes. I opened my eyes with fear and grabbed both of his cheeks.
''Don't let your tears fall. Never.''
I took one of his hands and walked towards the living room. After sitting him on the sofa, I held his hands and remembered the feeling of his soft skin on my fingers.
"You tell me not to cry, but you make me cry."
''I know...''
He sniffed. He looked into my eyes expectantly. He was waiting for me to say something that would save him from this torment.
"I'm not going on vacation, Jimin-ah, I decided to start my master's degree there."
He looked on with a dull face.
''You decided on this? Exactly when?''
''It hasn't been long.''
He took a deep breath. His breathing couldn't even make a sound. He looked like he was suffocated.
I held his hand again and caressed his cheek with one hand.
"Jimin-ah, I promise I will call you every day. You will never feel my absence. We will continue to share everything.''
He looked into my eyes. His gaze was softer.
"I promise."
I looked into his eyes and repeated. I looked into his eyes until I reached his soul.
"Hyung..."
he pouted his lips and leaned towards me. I hugged him as his head rested on my shoulder.
"Hushh... Everything will be fine... Everything will be fine..."
I patted his back lightly while saying these.
I repeated these words, which I repeated to him several times, to myself many times within myself. My soul was falling into pieces. His scent was intoxicating me. While I was whispering into his ear that everything would be okay, I was stealing the scent of his hair for myself.
I placed my hands on his beautiful face and looked at the tip of his red nose and swollen lips from crying, his eyes were still teary. He was more beautiful than angels. I've never told him out loud how beautiful he is until now.
''Jimin-ah you are so beautiful.''
"What!"
he was completely stunned with his voice cracking from crying. He would never have guessed that I would say this to him.
''Do you call me beautiful like this? I don't even have concealer on my face. My freckles and moles are visible. I'm here in my most casual state and you're telling me I'm beautiful. You're such a big liar, Hyung."
Jimin has been very beautiful since he was a child. I knew where every mole and freckle on his face was. I kissed one of the three moles on his forehead.
''For me, you are the most beautiful person in the world. You're beautiful even without make-up."
He moved away from me.
"You're saying these so I don't get angry at you. You're not playing fair."
I wanted to tell him that we are too old to play games. I wanted to go further and say things more clearly, but I couldn't. The reality of having kissed one of the three moles on his forehead intoxicated me and I couldn't think of anything else. It didn't seem strange to him that I kissed him. Because he was used to these. If he knew that these lips did not want to kiss anything else, maybe he would understand me.
"Are you sleepy?"
I wish he could count the butterflies in my stomach as he looked at me sweetly over his shoulder.
"Namjoon Hyung doesn't have a guest bedroom?"
"Since Namjoon is not home right now, whoever occupies the room first gets the bed tonight."
He covered his mouth with his hand and let out a cheerful laugh.
''Like the old days?''
We used to all get together and stay at each other's house. When there wasn't much room to sleep, the first person to reach the bedroom would sleep in the bed that night.
''Yes, like the old days...''
That night wasn't the first time I slept with Jimin, but something was different. He would fall asleep very quickly when he put his head on my chest and hugged me tightly. We cuddled in bed silently for minutes.
''Hyung... There is the smell of cigarette smoke in your hair. And I smell a woman's perfume. If you thought I wouldn't notice these, it means you never knew me."
And before I could answer, he fell asleep.
While he was sleeping, I looked at the three moles on his forehead. They were like a galaxy on his face. I placed my lips on his forehead again, being careful not to wake him. This couldn't even be called kissing. I just wanted his skin to touch my lips. I wanted to keep him closest to my heart and protect him. Even from my own love. I wrapped his pinkie finger, which was tiny compared to mine, around my own pinkie finger, and while he was sleeping, I made promises to him and to myself that neither of us could keep.
Namjoon didn't come back to his apartment that night. We were two, alone. Incomplete... We were cuddling in the same bed, but we were incomplete. With unspoken words, unrequited feelings, someone leaving and someone staying behind, we were just Lacuna.
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