Introduction:
Hey Eomma, Hey Appa is a BTS fanfiction by SongYeEun2500 that follows Jungsoo and Jungkook as they navigate their past by means of a time travel machine. It's a very engaging fic that appeals to enjoyers of the time travel genre.
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Detailed Feedback
What Worked:
You do a good job of building tension in the story. Chapter 3 is an example of that. In general, the entire story does a good job revealing information at a steady pace instead of all at once. The pacing is solid and I enjoyed the way the story moved.
I also like how this story doesn't solely focus on Jungkook. It's different. Most BTS fanfics focus primarily on the BTS member(s), and the original character(s) don't get as much spotlight. I'm glad you took a creative risk and decided to have the plot be centered around Jungkook, but the protagonist is Jungsoo. Or, at least, that's the impression I have so far. It seems as though the mystery builds around Jungkook, but it's up to Jungsoo to figure it out.
I think the characters are all very good. I like how they have different dynamics with each other. Each character has a specific role in the story that makes them stand out.
I think Jungsoo is my favorite based on his passion and determination. He has strong traits, and I think you're building him up to be very important with interesting flaws and setbacks he'll face more of later.
Another thing I want to mention is that there's only seven chapters (haha, BTS number) so far. I'm not here to talk about the number of chapters, but rather how I didn't notice I had already gotten to the end of the published parts until, well, I was there. It took me by surprise when I realized I had already read everything, which is a good thing because that meant I was immersed throughout my time reading.
When a reader loses track of time because of your work, that's a great thing that shows you do a good job engaging your audience.
Along with that, the worldbuilding is pretty good. You give exposition but you don't dump it on readers all at once; you let the story take priority and slip in bits of necessary exposition where you see fit, along with making subtle lines to allude to the world the characters are in.
Those small, subtle moments of worldbuilding through dialogue give the audience a sense of world without breaking their immersion in the story. I always love it when sci fi concepts aren't exposition dumped, so I appreciate you taking the time to flesh out the world over the course of the seven chapters instead of just dumping it on us at the beginning.
The story itself is very creative and takes the time traveler au in a different direction that isn't cliche or overused. Considering I just watched Back To The Future recently, I myself am a little time-traveled out, but this story was refreshing and executed the concept well.
Part of that is due to the good pacing and worldbuilding while the other part is due to you having a solid grasp on what you wanted to do with the story. It seems you have a clear image in your mind for what you want, and I respect that.
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What Didn't Work:
I don't have that many suggestions, but they might take a lil bit to explain.
Let's start with technical suggestions.
For starters, there are some dialogue tag errors. When using a dialogue tag, unless it is a proper noun, it needs to be lowercase regardless of what the sentence ends with. For example, from the first chapter:
"Oh God, I'm up!" He yelled.
It should be:
"Oh God, I'm up!" he yelled.
Since "he" is not a proper noun, it should be lowercase regardless of the dialogue ending with an exclamation mark. I hope that makes sense.
You do the tags right when they end with a comma, it's only when there's punctuation like a question or exclamation mark.
While on the topic, sometimes you end the dialogue with a period but still have a tag. Also from chapter one:
"You are the one who devours the food." The young male rebuked...
I'm assuming "The young male rebuked" is intended to be a dialogue tag. In that case, it should be this:
"You are the one who devours the food," the young male rebuked...
Another thing for dialogue: I'd suggest using less "over-the-top" tags, for lack of a better term. There are many tags that feel too much, such as "growled" and "asserted." Those two are used often, but I always strongly suggest authors never used growled and avoid the "fancier" tags like asserted, warned, chimed, cheered, etc.
I'd suggest reading my dialogue chapter in my "Most Common Writing Errors" book since it goes over the 50-30 guide to dialogue tags, where 50% or less of your dialogue should have tags, and of that 50%, at least 30% should be said or asked, but preferably more than 30%.
It's not a rule, but it's a good guide. Remember dialogue tags do nothing for the story. They are telling over showing, which is why so many authors advise against using them often, let alone the "fancier" ones. Dialogue tags have one purpose, and that's to tell the reader who is speaking. Key word: tell. If you want to avoid telling over showing, I strongly suggest using less tags, and especially using less of the "fancier" ones.
I'm not saying never use dialogue tags that aren't said or asked, I'm simply suggesting using more actions to show the audience who is speaking instead of telling them, and also using less of the "fancier" ones to limit the telling over showing.
Since we're talking about telling over showing, let's talk about adverbs. I suggest using less adverbs. Like with dialogue tags, I'm not saying never use them, but I am suggesting cutting out as many as you can because they are telling over showing and also don't do much for the sentence anyway. I'd suggest going into Google Docs or Word and using Find & Replace. Look up 'ly,' then cut out the ones you think aren't necessary for the sentence.
You have some capitalization issues where you're inconsistent with capitalizing words. You either spell Hyejin as Hyejin or HyeJin. I don't think there's anything wrong with either one, but you should be consistent with it.
Now let's move into the creative suggestions.
This is a small thing, but chapter 2 ends very abruptly. I was confused because it felt like there was more to the chapter, but it wasn't put in. I feel like even ending with Jungkook saying "Okay" to Jungsoo's words would have made it a more proper conclusion. As is, the chapter ends a bit out of nowhere and it feels like Jungkook and Jungsoo still have more to say. It's fine if there's a cliffhanger, like the "Okay" I mentioned (that would end the chap on a cliffhanger and still feel complete), but this doesn't feel like a cliffhanger, more like there's more that should have been in the chapter.
The same applies for chapter 7. It feels like there was more meant for the chapter, but it didn't make it.
Some of the dialogue is stiff and/or overly formal. I understand Korean has formalities, but I mean even between close friends they're speaking too formally. Some of it comes from word order.
For example, from chapter 6:
"I and Hayoon are going out for some coffee."
It should be:
"Hayoon and I are going out for some coffee."
The first line comes off as stiff because of the incorrect word order. Some other lines come off as stiff and overly formal because of the lack of contractions.
While you do use contractions, and there's nothing wrong with not using them as long as they don't hurt the flow of the sentence, there were some lines where the flow would have benefitted from using contractions.
Also from chapter 6:
"Like seriously, you are questioning my dressing sense when you can't tell an obvious fact that she likes-"
That entire line is very stiff and unnatural. Here's an alternative:
"Like seriously, you're questioning my fashion sense when you can't even tell she likes-"
There's no need for "you are" instead of "you're" in the beginning, "dressing sense" doesn't make much sense, and "an obvious fact" makes the line clunky and you can shorten it. I hope that makes sense.
It's one thing if one or two characters have an overly formal way of speaking, such as Seora (out of all the characters, her lines are the most overly formal), but most of the characters speak that way.
I wrote a character that used no contractions in her speech and was overly formal for a very specific reason: character development. So I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it's purposeful, but it does become an issue when every character speaks in a similar way.
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Summary:
- Good job building tension
- Very immersive despite being only seven chapters (as of time of reviewing)
- Interesting characters
- Good worldbuilding
- Good pacing
- Common concept, but it's executed in a unique way that makes it stand out
- Technical issues (dialogue tags, capitalization, etc.)
- Some overly formal and/or stiff dialogue
- A couple chapters feel like they end abruptly
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Overall:
Hey Eomma, Hey Appa is an intriguing time travel AU that follows interesting characters as they unravel parts of their past and struggle to cope with death. While there are moments of humor, the story carries an overall serious tone that's handled well. I recommend this story for those who are fans of sci fi concepts and like reading books driven by characters and themes.
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Thank you for submitting your story. I hope this feedback is helpful and steers you in the right direction while you work on future chapters. Please let me know if you have any questions or want a review on your future works!