AN
I wrote this chapter entirely blurry-eyed. The title says it all. Strangely I hope you do, too. it's the same feeling when a friend asks you for a book recommendation and you jump in excitedly "you'd love this book-" and then it's a book that shattered your soul. anyway, if you don't end up tearing up, well...there's not much i can do about that. enjoy greatly,
lots of love,
s
__
The next morning, they did wake up early, Fred woke her up with a cup of hot coffee, put it next to her nose so she'd breathe in the scent.
She let out a soft and pleased sigh before she opened her eyes, and when she did, she was greeted by his beautiful smile, "Good morning, my love." He pressed a couple kisses on her face and handed her the coffee. She didn't talk, simply smiled gratefully, because she had just woken up.
She stood up and took small sips of her coffee, saw that Hermione was tending to Ron's arm already and the few possessions they had laid out during the last few weeks had been tidied up.
Sarah's eyebrows raised a bit out of surprise, "Did you let me sleep in?" she asked Fred.
He was folding their clothes and putting them one by one inside her charmed bag. At her question, he glanced at her and nodded.
Small moments, that's all they had, that was all they could hope for in times like these. But his soft gaze although she'd just woken up and probably looked like a forest creature and her lovestruck smile before his thoughtfulness was more than enough.
When he got up to gather the rest of his things, her gaze followed him, the joyful feeling she'd felt before faded, something greater and darker took its place and left her wondering why he would even care to do such a thing? What was his endgame? What happened while she slept? She had never thought of something Fred had done this way, it surprised her. But when she glanced down, she saw the locket hanging around her neck and it became clearer. She needed to be aware of it, then.
Sarah wore it for the day, and half-way throughout, she understood why people had acted the way they did. It didn't have the same effect on her as it did on Harry. She didn't want to yell or to hit something, she felt lonely. Her steps grew heavy, she displayed no will on walking any further, thankfully Harry suggested they'd made quite the journey and they could set up camp for the night.
It was the first time she wore it this long. And when Hermione asked her to hand it to her, she did so reluctantly, her mind still fully in thought.
She expected a night's sleep to somehow make it better, but the next morning she still felt strange, a general feeling that stretched over the next couple of days, wherever she was, she was out of place. And when it was her turn to wear the locket again, she welcomed it, although she felt it twist her insides. She couldn't bring herself to decline, everyone was wearing it, it was a responsibility, maybe a reminder, too. Of what they were fighting.
But it did nothing but darken her thoughts. Twist words. Everything seemed annoying, maddening. Every act of kindness seemed to have a back thought of manipulation and deceit.
She retreated into a secluded corner with a book and her Walkman, sending out clear signs of 'I don't want to be bothered' and everyone knew better than to cross that line. She observed from the corner of her eye her friends and Fred talking, smiling, just living together. It wouldn't have been much, but she watched them all differently, like with different eyes. She was long past rationalization and realizing that she was seeing a distorted version of the world.
And as she watched Fred say something to Selena and George and chuckle with them, she thought that if she were to drop out of the face of the earth in this moment, it wouldn't matter. She stared bitterly at her book, wondering why she ever let her guard down before them, why she allowed herself to believe she mattered. The only person she could count on was herself at the end of the day. It had been decided, carved into stone, on her skin.
Fred noticed the sudden change, he was more sensitive to it. She rarely talked, he couldn't convince her to eat much, either, and what struck him the most were the nights she spent with her back on him when normally, after all those emotionally and physically draining days they spent, she would either bring his head down on her chest and run her fingers through his hair until he fell asleep listening to her heartbeat, or fall asleep on his chest with his arms around her. And if he was being honest, either one of those setups were his favorite part of the day. He wouldn't have thought much of it, figuring she just needed space, but along with everything else, he knew something was wrong. Especially when he realized that today, he hadn't seen much of her and for the last hours not at all.
"Have any of you seen McCauley?" he asked the people around him.
"I think I saw her walk out?" Harry informed him with uncertainty. Fred sent a quick glance at each of them and he realized no one inside the tent was wearing the Horcrux. That wasn't good. When he wore that thing for too long, he snapped at her for the first and last time in his life when she asked if he wanted tea.
He got out of the tent and searched his surroundings. It didn't help the sun had set and it was dark out. What did help was that he knew her better than anyone, and if he had to take a guess, she was either hiding behind a tree or pacing angrily somewhere she couldn't be seen. She had indeed spent a while resting against a tree, but now, she was pacing angrily, cracking small stones beneath her boots next to a small stream.
"Are you a fairy water or something? You just keep finding bodies of water wherever we go," he said jokingly.
She glanced at him, barely, and when he saw her face, he understood it was not a time to be making jokes. "Why don't you have a jumper or a coat on you? It's freezing."
"I'm not cold," she grumbled, her arms crossed and turned from him, proceeded to pace the opposite way.
"You've been wearing that thing all day, why don't you take it off. Please?" Fred knelt and jumped down to reach her, took off his coat and handed it to her, "And put this on. Every muscle of yours is shaking."
"Stop doing that, stop babying me," she spat, giving him a cold shoulder, "I'm not a child, Fred." She left him hanging a bit awkwardly for a second with his arm raised until he finally dropped it.
"I know that," he said, a bit taken aback. As mad as he'd seen her since they were four, she'd never acted like this.
"What are you still doing here? Goodbye," she intoned, sounding annoyed, yanking her arm towards the small lit up tent.
Fred shook his head, his feet planted into place, "No."
"No?" She let out a hollow laugh, "Why, afraid I'll fall apart? I can manage very well on my own. That's what I've always done anyway," she mumbled the last part, Fred only caught a few words.
"I'm not leaving you like this," he told her, taking a step towards her, crackling sounds coming from his steps. "You've been acting strange for the last few days. What's been going on?"
"I don't want to talk about it," she shrugged, taking her pacing a few feet away from him. "Go back inside, you really don't have to be here."
"Of course I do," he quivered seeming helpless, he wasn't sure what to do to not make it worse, "Tell me what's going on, we can figure it out-"
"The mighty knight in shining armor, aren't you?" she piped shrilly, okay, she'd yelled alright. "Only I'm not a bloody damsel in distress who needs assistance."
Fred definitely didn't see that coming. She was now blaming him for checking in. He was trying his best to not let his anger rise at the contempt he was met with, it wasn't Sarah, his best friend and love of his life talking, it was that thing around her neck. And he hated it. Before he could think of an answer, her head jerked abruptly towards him, he thought she'd yell again but her voice grew softer. She was going through a panel of emotions and thoughts at full speed and she felt suffocated, overwhelmed.
"Why do you even care, Fred, huh? Really. What's in it for you, dating this broken mess? Because I know damn well it isn't that five star resort," she pointed at the tent, "Or this outdoors getaway I got us into, and definitely not this fight we're having under the moonlight in late fucking October!"
That was Fred's last straw, "Why? Why! Because I love you!"
"Right." She let out a laugh like that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.
"Hey! No, no, you don't get to do that!" he argued. "Sarah!"
Her head snapped towards him like it did before and she seethed, "You cannot!"
Fred frowned, that doing nothing to extinguish his anger, "What do you mean I cannot?"
"I mean you can't! You can't! You cannot love me! You just-Can't...How?" she finally admitted out loud, tears forming in her eyes and it tasted bitter in her mouth. This was the first time they'd fought as seriously, the first time it ended with her voicing an actual intrusive thought.
"Sarah..."
"No, don't," she raised a hand to stop him, faced the other way, not bearing to see any pity in his eyes, she didn't need it, she didn't want it. "Don't look at me like that, just leave. Leave me alone."
Fred went to take her hand but she yanked her arm and walked away from him. The way she was acting reminded him of another time, a time that was far away, it seemed, only a year ago at a time where they weren't together yet but it felt like a lifetime ago. A time he didn't particularly like to revisit, he guessed she didn't either, which is why he had to bring her back here, back to him, in the present. "Don't walk away from me, please."
He took a few great and quick steps towards her and put his coat on her shoulders before she could react, grabbed both sides of the coat therefore somewhat trapping her with it. Served a double purpose, she was standing in front of him so he could talk to her, and it'll also warm her up.
Next to the chain of the locket, he saw the other two chains of the necklaces she never takes off, her mother's and the one he gave her. He took off the locket and tossed it on the ground, gently tugged on his coat and wrapped his other arm around her waist, "Look at me, Sarah."
She did, and it took a minute. It took a while for all that venom to evaporate. Fred didn't know exactly how long but he didn't care, he would have stayed like this for as long as he needed to bring her back.
Her eyes slowly softened, the wrinkle between her brows disappeared and small glimmering pearls of tears of realization gathered at the corner of her eyes, over everything she said, everything she thought, how she acted. Her lips parted from the shock, utterly speechless at first until she could breathe out a poor, "I'm so sorry."
She squeezed her eyes shot, retracing steps and thoughts that now made absolutely no sense, "Godric, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry-" She felt more exposed now than she'd ever been, the atmosphere felt eerie, she didn't like where this discussion had led them. She didn't like the fact she yelled or that she blamed him when he only tried to help.
Unlike during that old lifetime, Fred now had the courage to tell her what he was thinking, "You're asking me how I could love you? How could I not, that's the question. Why would you say that?"
She stayed silent for a second, didn't know what to say exactly, if something ought to be said or not. She wished she could have taken it back, but she couldn't. "You shouldn't have to-" her voice broke off, she had to clear her throat. "You don't deserve this, look at where you ended up because of me. On a godforsaken quest. All you've been through because of me. I can't stand the thought of you hurting, it's not fair to you-"
"But I'm not hurting," he chimed in quickly, "I told you from the start, McCauley. You and everything that comes along with it. It doesn't matter. You matter." His hand was bunching the fabric of his coat, holding it so that she couldn't really move her arms, but she wasn't shaking anymore. "You say it isn't fair to me, but it's not fair to you, either. You didn't ask for any of this, isn't it better to have someone by your side?"
A small wrinkle between her brows, indicating she was about to cry again, she sighed out, "Of course it is, but too much has happened, too much is happening, the Horcrux chase, the Protector stuff, me getting kidnapped, my parents, all this trauma..."
She tried her best not to sniffle while she talked, everything she's thought of over the last few days crashing onto her, like a gate had opened and she couldn't keep another word in. "I don't deserve you," she uttered tearfully, "I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, this constant threat over my head. I just know that I'm not meant to have these moments, the smiles, the laughs, the peace, the love. There's something more going on, I can feel it in my bones, I- I thought it would go away but it doesn't. It keeps nagging me, telling me that it's not mine, you are not mine, and I should never have hoped in the first place."
"I hadn't! I hadn't dared to hope, not before you kissed me for the first me, that's why I never told you, I would've spent my life loving you from afar because I knew there was something wrong with me and I couldn't see you get hurt because of it. I thought I could sort it out, work through it, because I'm supposed to be brilliant, a genius, but I can't do it. I can't. And so many terrible things around happening around us, and they all circle back to Harry, which means they have to get through me first and-" She gulped, took a second to breathe in and out through weeps, "I am so scared something terrible will happen, because I escaped unharmed so many times, how good luck cards to I have left? I don't know what to do anymore, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"
Fred couldn't talk, he couldn't keep his tears from falling either, he just took her in his arms and wept against her hair while everything she just told him echoed inside his brain. He had no idea she had this much going on, though he was glad he knew now. He hesitated Disapparating both of them from here, take her away right now, somewhere nothing terrible can happen. But she'll never forgive him for abandoning the fight. He'll never forgive himself, either.
There were no words exchanged for a long time, only tears and muffled sobs. It was the first time she voiced those thoughts, she kept them away for such a long time, she thought getting them out would break her, but it only made her feel lighter.
"You deserve every bit of good this messed up world has to offer," Fred's voice cracked a bit when he tried to talk normally, he started whispering halfway through.
"And I promise you, every single moment we've had, every laugh, every smile, every tear, every touch, every kiss, every night, are no one else's but yours and mine. They're yours as much as I am. Utterly." He pulled away and cupped her face, brought it close to his, "You're scared. I am, too. Terrified, if I'm being honest. Everyone is, and it's okay. It's great even. It means you have a beating heart and a working conscience. Only a fool wouldn't be scared of what's happening."
He spent a second looking into her eyes, again making her feel he could see right through her, that he saw it all and nothing he saw diminished the love in his gaze. "You've been through so much. I know that. You've been hurt so many times, but you've risen up so high above it all...There are a million reasons for you to give up, Sarah. A million reasons from a million broken pieces that you've glued back together imperfectly and beautifully. Unbelievably beautiful. Whenever you walk into a room, you're casting this glimmering, warm and hopeful light over everything and everyone. It's breathtaking. You've been up on a pedestal since the first year at Hogwarts, hung up so high that you forgot you're allowed to fail, to be scared, to be confused, to not have it all figured out." At those words she looked down, away, it made Fred set an arm around her again and caught her gaze again.
He needed to look in her eyes while he talked, make sure she heard every word. "I'm telling you to step away from it and look around. No one knows what they're doing. I know you don't like serious things, that's how you cope. I understand you taking so long to say all this to me. Maybe you're afraid I'll run away if you let it gets too serious. And I know lightheartedness, jokes and acting childish are my brand, but right now, in this moment, I'm standing here before you, with all that set aside, as a man who loves you."
"And it doesn't stop when you're not smiling, when you get upset, when you don't feel like laughing, or when it gets difficult and frightening, not for one second. For every time you've felt alone, for every person you have lost, for every tear you've shed and for every shattered edge you have, I'm telling you that I love you. Do you hear me?"
His thumb brushed over her cheek, his eyes softly trailing over her face, "You wonderful, wonderful woman." He angled her head up and kissed her, gently thumbed away the tears that fell on her cheeks when she closed her eyes. Her fingertips slowly went over his jaw, and they both realized they hadn't kissed like this in while, with everything that's been going on.
Her lips and the tip of her nose were cold, Fred's cheek warmed them up and he found it insanely cute. There was a split moment in time where it was alright, where it didn't feel as awful anymore.
"I didn't mean to get mad, and yell, be awful like that, I'm so sorry," she whispered, eyes bloodshot and lips a bit puffy. There were no more words she could think of except thanking him tearfully as she wrapped her arms around his neck, for everything he said, for everything he is doing, for everything he is.
They spent a bit more time by that stream. The water splashing against the rocks, nothing but cold air rushing through the scarce tree branches, leaves still falling like pieces into place, framing this stripped down moment, raw, shattering, yet somehow one of the most meaningful they've ever shared, a moment that counterbalances those million reasons, a moment to fight for.
"Don't keep me safe. Don't spare me. We're in this together." He felt her nod against his shoulder and without any logic to it, he smiled. "I wish we could just stay here. Where nothing bad can happen."
"Me too," she whispered naively. They both knew it was a stretch to even think it, but they obliged nonetheless. It couldn't hurt them any more than this war already had. Right?
"But I think we can get something swell from this," Fred breathed softly against her hair and she knew he'd smiled.
"And what's that?"
"Thank God I plucked up the courage to kiss you," he chuckled and stroked her hair gently when he pulled away to look at her.
She smiled, of course he made her smile even after pouring out her worst fears and blubbering on his shoulder for the good part of an hour.
"Although I don't think courage is the right word," he commented skeptically, "It was more a 'come what may' thought process, I was shaking like a stupid fourteen year old."
"You weren't!" she gasped, her hands sliding over his neck in surprise, "Was I that scary?"
"There was a small thought at the back of my head telling me you'll hex me, indeed, but no," he pressed a loving kiss on her forehead, "You weren't scary at all. I just had wanted you for so long I didn't want you to slip away, I would have died, I think. Or maybe burst into flames. Four years was a lot of time spent thinking about kissing you, imagining-"
"I don't know if I want to hear about this," she interrupted him, a nervous yet amused smile on her face.
"Yeah, I don't think I want to tell you about it," he chuckled sheepishly and twisted his arms around her, got her to stand on her toes, "I'm certainly not imagining anymore."
"Weasley!" she warned and he grinned, leaned in to kiss her, murmured against her lips between kisses, "We're alone, with only dead leaves and rocks around, I'm allowed to say that."
She rolled her eyes endearingly, "Don't get me wrong, I love hearing of the time you were completely in love with me although I had no idea. But whenever I think you can't surprise me anymore, you still do, greatly."
"What do you want me to say? You smiled at me one day and I became obsessed with you forever. Want to hear another embarrassing story? I'm on a roll tonight," he grinned widely at her, displaying no embarrassment whatsoever, "You need to say one, too, though."
"Okay, deal."
"All right, do you remember that time when you came in our dorm?"
"Yes, I do! I was so scared, McGonagall was so strict about that, but it was for a good cause. It was strange, though, I remember I heard all sorts of things falling when I called you, figured you were in the middle of building something for a prank and didn't want anyone to see it."
Fred snorted softly, "It could have easily been that, but no, we were just playing cards. All that actually was the sound of me completely freaking out and becoming self conscious I think for the first time in my life. Obviously didn't handle it very well, I even scared Lee. And then for some reason, I felt like had to decide if I was opening the door wearing that awful pyjama shirt I had on, a new shirt or no shirt at all."
"What?!" She laughed, leaned her head against his chest for a second, "If you'd opened that door with no shirt on, I would have stopped breathing." Suddenly she replayed the whole scene and what had been blank spaces she ignored then, now made sense, "That whole interaction makes so much sense now. That's why you were moving around like you were trying too hard. You'd just experienced self-consciousness. You poor thing, and I made it worse by flirting with you, I suppose."
"Oh, yes, completely," he maintained, "I just froze in the doorway when you left."
She gruffed and brought him down by the jaw to kiss him deeply, made him sigh out against her mouth, "I had no idea what you were feeling, it bugs me I didn't know I was making you that nervous, I sort of feel like I ought to make up for it."
"You don't have to do anything, love, believe me, that frozen dimwit in the doorway is fist-bumping the air right now."
"Well, maybe I want to," she pushed away some hairs that were falling over his forehead.
"Then tell me an embarrassing story of yours," he nudged her nose with his, her hands slid over his chest while she thought of something.
"Oh-" she poked his chest, "I spent I think an entire week after the announcement of the Yule Ball not listening to a single class and imagined all sorts of elaborated ways where you'd ask me to go or I would ask you, which I probably should have done, by the way. But anyway. Want to hear the best I came up with?"
"Obviously," Fred enunciated with a wide grin.
"Okay, so, in my mind you would still wait until it was almost too late. I'd be at the Astronomy tower, lingering after midnight class and you come find me, because you hadn't seen me all day, the Map in your hands. You have your pockets filled with chocolate that we eat while you ask me about my Astronomy lesson. Specifically 'what story the stars told today', and I start explaining, pointing at the constellations and at some point you'd ask me 'And what about you being my date to the Yule Ball? What do the stars have to say about that?' And from then it's kind of self explanatory, I'm a bit confused yet excited and you're smiling and blushing and it's just really cute."
"Not bad, McCauley, nod bad at all," he nodded impressed. "But that's not embarrassing, it's adorable. You need to do better. Come on, cough up."
"Alright, alright! Wait a second-" her eyebrows went up and down playfully, "Years later, I finally admit that whenever I sat through the Quidditch training, I was getting absolutely no reading done."
"You're joking!" he gushed.
She shook her head, tongue in cheek and looking away from him in a high corner then tugged on his collar, "Nope. I was watching player number five. Swiftly flying around the field, hitting Bludgers left and right. I remember, you'd grip onto the broom tightly with your left hand, lean back a bit and your upper-body would usually flex before striking, that's when the shot was more precise. And seriously- Butterflies, every time."
"I'm definitely asking follow up questions. And as fun as that trip down memory lane was... I'd like to come back to the present, now," he grinned and tickled her neck, a brand new wave of confidence washing over him. "Mind snogging by that tree over there?"
She slid her arms through the sleeves of his coat before wrapping them around his neck and captured his lips, backing away towards the tree he pointed at before. The much too long sleeve of the coat she was wearing fell over his ear, while his arms kept her flush against him. Just two best friends in love, chuckling softly and pressing pause on everything, except each other.