I stare down at the contact in my phone. Khalil. Why did I even keep his number? I thought I had deleted it a long time ago, like three years ago, but apparently not. How did I not notice before?
One of the first steps of rehab is to get rid of all contacts who could trigger a setback or could aid one, and yet here I am, having failed step one and soon failing the entire rehab.
I type a quick message in to him asking him to come over but I don't hit send.
In my mind I rack up a list of good things going for me to distract myself from wanting to use.
Stable job.
Its not the best, but I do enjoy it. It keeps money coming in and I get to meet a lot of different people.
My own place.
I worked hard to get my own place, super hard. I sacrificed a lot of my time pulling extra shifts in order to afford this and I'm proud of it.
I'm healthy.
I'm at a good weight, I feel hunger, I listen to my body. I don't feel tired or annoyed all the time now. I'm not crazy thin anymore. I'm doing good.
Jaime.
I'm reconnecting with him for the first time in six years. Until he learns that my reconnecting is getting distracted by Tony. He's going to find out eventually, they're in a fucking band together.
Tony.
He's into me, clearly, but how could I be with him when I'll eventually just end up letting him down like I do with everyone in my life?
I take a deep breath in and hit send on the message. If this is even still Khalil's number he'll be here shortly. He was always quick to deliver which is what made me keep him around for so long.
I'm fidgety while waiting for an answer. I doubt he'll answer, he never used to.
I put my phone down on the table, pushing it so its out of arms reach.
Maybe I should text Noel and see if he needs someone to work tonight. I know Sam's on the schedule for tonight, Fred and Bailey are too I believe. There's no way they'd need someone else to join, but who knows. Its worth asking.
I grab my phone, convincing myself its to see if Noel needs help, but I instantly check my message to Khalil. Its still marked as delivered.
Hearing my mom say I made her lose her faith really fucked me up honestly. She's had her faith through every single obstacle in life and yet her breaking point is me, her drug addict daughter. How could I not want to go back and numb myself from this feeling?
Whatever.
My finger hoovers over Noel's name and just as I'm about to call him there's a knock at the door.
My heart goes into overdrive realizing what situation I've put myself in now. I'm sober and I know I need to numb right now, but is this really the answer? My legs automatically carry me to the door, my brain wanting to give in to the cravings more than it doesn't.
I swing the door open expecting to see Khalil but instead I come face to face with Tony.
"We're not supposed to hangout tonight." I say bluntly before I can even stop myself. The cravings are putting me on edge.
"I know." he says slowly, clearly taken aback by my rudeness. "I thought it would be a nice surprise. Did you have other plans?"
"No, no." I say quickly. "Come in."
I pretty much throw him into my place, peering nervously outside to see if Khalil is there before closing the door quickly. I whirl around to look at Tony who is looking at me as if I'm acting super fucking weird, which to his credit, I am, he just doesn't know why. I never knew how to have the whole 'I used to be a drug addict!' talk with people, so I just haven't.
"Something going on?" Tony asks me.
"No, nothing." I say.
"You're acting super weird Alia." Tony says, his face having the same perplexed look on it.
"Just had a day." I say quickly. I need to get him out of here but now I've acted so weird he wont leave.
"Come here." Tony says and never thing I know I'm stuck being held by him. Usually I'd love being close to him, I'd probably even make a move on him, but now is not a great time for that.
I glance at my phone thats behind him. I need to break out this hug and text Khalil right now and tell him not to come anymore.
"You must really being feeling shitty, you haven't even tried to touch me." Tony jokes with me, pulling back to look at me.
A force a super awkward laugh that makes us both cringe at it.
"Whats going on, Alia?" he asks. "Did I walk into something I shouldn't? Is someone else here?" he asks.
"What?? Tony, no." I say quickly. I take a deep breath, ready for my brain to come up with a great excuse, but its interrupted by a knock at the door.
I feel my eyes widen in fear as I look at him. I know to him this situation is different than it is. He thinks I'm seeing some other guy tonight and I am, but not in the way he thinks I am. But I can't tell him.
"Wrong address." I say to him before I can stop myself.
"You didn't even check who is it." he says.
"I didn't need to, I just know." I say.
He runs a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. "Okay, well I'm gonna go, have fun with whoever that is." he says then starts for the door.
"Tony, no!" I say, grabbing his arm to pull him back. "I can't explain it, okay, but its not what you think it is."
He gives me a look as if he doesn't believe me. I know he doesn't. I wouldn't believe me.
Another set of knocks rings through the awkward silence in my place. I don't think he's going to give up.
"Okay, Alia." he says dully. "Have a good night."
I watch as he turns and heads back to the door. I can't let him leave like this. I know if he leaves tonight that he wont come back again, he's just that type of guy, and I don't want that to be how this ends.
"Don't go." I say quickly. "I'll explain later, but please stay."
He stares at me unsure. His body is still pointed towards the door so I figure he's going to keep headed that way, but instead he turns and heads for the couch. I, on the other hand, head to answer the door so I can tell Khalil to leave.
I open the door a sliver so I can try and slide out, but Khalil bursts in clearly excited to see me for the first time in years.
"Alia!" he says happily as he hugs me. "I knew you'd text me again sometime."
I push out the hug and take a step back to put some space between us. "It was a mistake, I don't need anything, I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Khalil waves me off with a hand. "You always said that." he reaches into his pocket and pulls out two dime bags and slaps them into my hand. "I got an extra for you as a welcome back kind of bag."
"I don't want it." I say, pushing it back towards him.
"I know you didn't call me here for nothing." he says.
"I'll pay you double if you just take it and go." I say, pushing it into him, trying not to obsess over the way it feels through the bag.
"No payment necessary, I'm just happy you're back in."
"No, Khalil I don't want it, I'm not in." I say, my voice becoming more and more shaky.
I don't even want to know what Tony thinks about the scene in front of him. This random guy coming to my place late at night to bring me coke and here I am shaking and nervous almost crying over it. I know he's going to leave after this. I can feel it.
"We're all going to the same spot we used to, meet us there later if you're down. Clearly you still hang like that." Khalil says before glancing down at his phone. "Gotta go, but let me know how it is. Purest cut for you." he says with a wink and then just like that he's gone.
I don't even bother looking back at Tony. I know he's sitting there waiting for me to turn around and explain myself, but how can I? Oh, sorry Tony, I'm a recovered addict who clearly isn't doing so well on the recovery, I hope you still like me. As if.
"Alia?" Tony's soft voice says softly behind me. "What was that about?"
"Nothing." I say lamely, feeling like I'd rather die than live this moment any longer.
His hands find their way to my shoulders, rubbing them in circles. I focus on the sensation to try and calm myself down. Slowly one of his hands finds mine and takes the bags out my hand, slipping it into his pocket.
"I've dealt with this before." he says. "Not me, personally, but someone in the past who I was really close to."
Much to my horror I feel the tears starting to build up in my eyes. I don't want to cry in front of Tony, he shouldn't ever see me like this, but I can't help it. I can't fight the feeling of failure.
"I think I need to be alone." I mumble.
"No."
Its such a shock to me that I actually turn and look at him. His dark eyes bore into mine, making me feel vulnerable but safe at the same time, a feeling I've never felt before in my life. A feeling I kind of ... like?
"I'm not leaving you alone, especially not right now." he says to me. "Come on." He grabs my hand and tugs at it so I let him guide me.
We make our way past the kitchen that we had coffee in after that first night, we pass beside the bathroom I hid in from him and get to my room. My bed is half made and last nights PJs are on the floor beside it, same with a mug that was filled with tea. He doesn't notice that, though, as he leads me into my bed. He gets in beside me and pulls me into him, my head resting against his chest while his arms hold me snuggly against him.
"I dated a girl who got into the party scene when she was with me." he tells me. "I thought it was fun at first and so I went along with it, but then she started using during random weekdays. It started on Thursdays, then eventually Tuesday and Wednesday, and next thing I knew it was every day multiple times. She started hiding it from me, and then she stopped caring altogether if I even knew."
"Did she stop?"
He doesn't answer for a second too long. "No, she didn't."
"So you ended it?"
"She did." he answers. "She died from it."
I think back to my friends that I've lost due to the exact same thing. I wonder how many of them had partners who wanted desperately to get better yet they never did. I think of my mom, who even though doesn't have her faith, she has me. Maybe that's enough for me.
Before I can even stop myself I'm telling Tony.
"I saw my mom the other day." I say. He doesn't answer, he's listening intently for me to continue talking. "She used to go to church every single week but because of me and my addiction she stopped. I made her lose her faith."
"Did she tell you that?" he asks me.
"Not directly." I admit. "But it was obvious."
"I think you're blaming yourself. I'm sure it did hurt your mom, but it hut her because your her daughter. She couldn't help you in a situation where you needed it, and now you're blaming yourself because you feel you deserve it."
I stare up at Tony. Who even is this guy? So emotionally mature, able to work through issues I didn't even know how to start.
"That's really insightful." I say to him. "I didn't even want to do it. I just didn't want to feel."
He squeezes me tighter against him. "You need to work through it. Feeling is the only way to get through it."
"I don't like to feel."
"I noticed."
I turn my head and look up at him. He has a smug smile on his face like he's just said the funniest joke in the entire world.
"You suck." I say, pushing myself off of him.
"No no no you're staying here." he says as he grabs me, pulling me back.
"Nooo!" I say as I giggle, trying to squirm out of his grasp.
"You're not going anywhere." he says, pulling me more and more against him.
I decide my best bet is to wiggle around to face him, then I can throw myself backwards. I start wiggling around, putting my plan in place, but as I do I realize just how close our faces are. It seems Tony does too because his grip loosens.
We stare at one another, our faces so close that if one of us moves even two inches we'll be touching. I wonder if he wants to do it as much as I do. He's not moving or saying anything, so I think that means he wants to, but what if he feels like its not a good time. What if he's not even into me like that?
His hand comes up and softly grabs the side of my face. His thumb runs over the side of my cheek, his eyes still stuck right on mine. He glances down to my lips for a split second but its enough to make me excited.
He swallows hard before bringing me into him. I close my eyes and let our lips collide together, something I've been waiting for for WEEKS now.
Instantly I'm lost in the softness of his lips, the passion of his kiss and the general hotness of the moment. I adjust myself so I'm straddling him and I deepen the kiss, my mouth hungry. He matches my kisses, clearly wanting this as much as I do. Slowly I start to grind my body against his which causes him to groan against my mouth, turning me on even more.
I break our kiss to whip my shirt off in almost a single second. I probably broke a record to clothing removal, but right now that's not important.
As soon as my shirt is off, my lips are right back on his. His hands slid to my back, then down to my ass to push me into him even harder. My hands are on any part of him that I can access, sliding from his arms, to his chest, to his neck, back to his arms.
I slide my hands to the edge of his shirt and pull it off. His skin is covered in tattoos, all of which I make a plan to explore when I have the time to slow down and appreciate them, which wont be now.
My hands go to his belt, pulling desperately to get it off.
"Wait." Tony says breathlessly, his hands stopping mine. "We can't do this."
"We're already doing it." I point out.
"I know but we can't go further. I can't."
I know everyone has the right to say no and I respect it, but the sexual frustration I feel right now is beyond anything I've ever felt in my life. I want to beg him for it, I want to convince him, but my morals wont let me.
"Because we're not together?" I ask him.
He nods. He's as frustrated as I am right now, I can see it. It must have taken everything in him to stop us.
He brings our foreheads together and we sit there, me still on him. "I'm sorry." he says.
"You don't have to apologize." I say.
"I shouldn't have kissed you." he says. "I started it."
"I'm glad you did."
I can still feel the way his lips felt on mine and it drives me crazy. I want him so fucking much.
"Alia are we ever going to do this?" he asks me. "I need to know."
Half of me wants to say yes just so we can have sex but I know thats not right. The other half of me wants to say no, to bury my feelings and go back to my uncomplicated feeling-free life but I know I don't really want that. I'm too scared to fully commit, though. There's also the impending Jaime issue. Its like a balloon that keeps getting bigger and bigger and I know it's going to pop soon but I keep pushing to see how big it can get before it explodes everywhere.
"I want to." I say hesitantly. "Its hard for me."
Tony groans, this time in real frustration. He lets his head fall against my headboard.
"You leave soon." I point out.
"Not that soon."
"Almost two months."
"And I'm not gone for long. This can work, I know it."
I bite my lip, not knowing what to do. I want this, I really, really, really do. But he's leaving. I'll be alone and I know myself. I'll get bored of being alone and want other people and that's just going to hurt him. I'm going to hurt him.
"I shouldn't put this pressure on you, it's been a long day for you." Tony says.
I nod as if thats really whats happening here.
"Stay with me tonight." I say to him. "We're already in bed."
He smiles warmly at me. I love his smile.
Twenty minutes later we're ready for bed, all snuggled up together. As we lay beside each other I can't help but think how nice it is to have him here. A thought hits me, one that catches me off-guard.
I never want him to leave.