I'd been in bed for three days, feeling too worn out to do anything if not sleep and cry. I'd only got up to go to the bathroom and to grab the minimum amount of food to keep me alive from the kitchen. My parents hadn't once checked up on me, not even asking how I was if I happened to see them somewhere in the house.
But it was probably better that way, the last thing I wanted was to get into another argument. So I just ignored them back.
Just like I ignored both the fact that I eventually was going to have to go back to New York, and whoever had tried to contact me in the past days.
It honestly all felt pointless to me, I didn't even want to go back to the city just to not have anywhere to live if not somewhere I could barely afford if I worked everyday, and to feel completely alone there. Anything related to the place reminded me of Sam, especially the university campus where I was going to have to go to if I didn't want to fuck up the only good thing I'd managed to do in my life. But I really didn't want to be reminded of her.
I obviously still loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone, but I didn't want her to suffer because of me. I really didn't.
I was probably better off alone for my whole life, and I just needed to accept that.
My phone screen lit up for something like the tenth time that day, and it'd been the same the two previous days. But I didn't even want to check who was texting or calling me, because hearing from Sam would have just made me feel worse, and I just couldn't be bothered to hear from Vic or Mei.
But I figured that I might be missing something important if I kept ignoring my notifications. Even though nothing really seemed important enough to me at that moment.
Among the few texts and calls I'd gotten, a few stood out.
sam<3 [3 days ago] : Please don't do this
[3 days ago] 1 missed call from sam<3
Which were the last notifications from Sam I had.
vic<3 [2 days ago]: hi el how are you
vic<3 [2 days ago]: haven't heard from you in a while, how was england? we should call to catch up, i have some stuff to tell you too :)
vic<3 [yesterday]: everything okay?
[yesterday] 1 missed call from vic<3
vic<3[10:16am]: ellie :/ i'm getting worried
vic<3[1:34pm]: are you okay?
[2:01pm] 1 missed call from vic<3
you[6:24pm]: hi vic, sorry if i ignored you
you[6:24pm]: i'm not really okay
I figured that maybe talking to her wouldn't be a completely bad idea, even though I could barely talk in the first place. Maybe saying my thoughts out loud would help.
"El! Hi!" she said as soon as she picked up.
"Hey Vic" I mumbled.
"Are you okay? You haven't been answering my texts"
"No, uhm, I feel like shit. I broke up with Sam three days ago" I said, already feeling like I was going to cry. Great start.
"What????"
"Yeah. I know, it sucks"
"Why the hell did you break up with her? Did something happen in England?"
"No... England was great. But I had to go back home for a day and my mom said her and my dad weren't going to pay for my rent anymore. I already knew they hated me, but this was the official confirmation. And I realized that if I can't even get my own parents to like me, I just must be a really fucked up person. And they're probably right, I don't really deserve anyone else to like me. I'm too much for anyone. I don't know why you still-"
"Slow down, El. Don't even say that. You know whatever your parents say about you is complete bullshit, right?" she interrupted me.
"It's so easy for you and Sam to keep saying that. You don't get it. You both grew up with supportive parents who love you and accept you for who you are. You will never get the feeling" I said, annoyed at hearing that once again.
"Okay, we might not get it, but we know you well enough to say you're an amazing person. And how did that even lead you to break up with her?"
"I'm the opposite of an amazing person if anything" I sighed. "And I told her about the rent, she said I could come live with her and I started to spiral really bad because I don't want her to have to deal with me all the time. I realized that I'd eventually end up hurting her if we stayed together, and I want to avoid that. So I basically ran away and I'm back home now, because I know she would have just told me the same shit you're telling me if I'd stayed"
"Oh, Ellie" she said, sadness in her voice. "I don't know what to say to convince you, but I promise you wouldn't end up hurting her. You both make each other really happy, I can tell"
"Because she hasn't been with me long enough to realize how difficult it is to be with me. I'd just end up ruining her life"
"Don't say that. Don't you think I would have realized you're this horrible person you claim to be by now? All I know is you're a kind, strong, caring and funny person. And anyone who has you in their life is lucky, honestly"
"That's not true. I'm a fucked up person with crippling anxiety and trust issues. No one deserves someone like that"
"You can't let your anxiety define you like that, El. I'm quite sure no one's expecting you to be a perfect person with no issues. Everyone has their own personal stuff going on. Sam has her own problems too, I'm sure. You wouldn't be saying the same stuff you're saying about yourself about her, would you?"
"No, but that's different. Trust me, I'm better off alone for her mental well-being's sake"
"It's not different. And why the hell are you home? That's only gonna make you feel worse"
"If I stayed in New York I would have felt worse about Sam. And my parents are literally ignoring me anyway, so it's as if I'm alone"
"I'm coming tomorrow"
"What?" I asked, surprised.
"You heard me"
"But you just went back to Boston. You can't just come back here"
"I can, though. I am not letting you stay there all alone"
"Nothing's gonna change if you come here, Vic" I sighed.
"Well, I'm coming anyway" she said.
I was too tired to fight her back, so I just let her do whatever she wanted. I was fairly convinced she was just telling me that so I'd react to the situation, but I was not intending to do anything if not spend the rest of the day exactly like the previous ones.
But it turned out she actually meant what she said, because I heard knocks on my door the following morning, and no one had tried to come in since I'd first arrived.
"Door's open" I just mumbled, my face buried in my pillow.
"Oh my god" I suddenly heard Vic's voice as the door opened.
And I also suddenly remembered the state my room was in. The bed sheets were tangled and all over the place, used tissues were spread on the mattress and on the floor, as well as food litter and empty bottles. I hadn't opened the window or the shutters ever since I'd first walked in the room, so the air was probably hot and not so good-smelling either.
"Are you insane?" I turned on my back, not believing Vic was actually there.
"Are you insane???" she asked, emphasizing the word 'you'.
"No. I'm just sad because I hate myself so much I broke up with my girlfriend. I don't think I've ever felt this sad in my whole life, honestly" I said as if I was saying something completely normal. "I'm so sad it physically hurts. My chest has been hurting for like three days now, I'm starting to think it'll never go away"
"Ellie" she scratched her forehead, as if trying to figure out what to do. "I won't let you do this to yourself" she sat on the bed.
"Why did you come? You didn't need to"
"As I said, you can't do this to yourself. You're my best friend, I hate seeing you like this"
"Well, too bad. I'm gonna be like this for a very long time" I just said, rolling back on my stomach. Vic didn't seem to be saying anything before I realized she'd gotten up to open the shutters, light suddenly invading the room. "Vic!!! What the fuck?"
"The darkness was depressing, sorry"
"That's because I'm currently feeling depressed" I mumbled.
"Okay, Ellie" she sat on my side of the bed. "I'm really, really sorry you're feeling like this. I really am. But as I said, you're my best friend and I love you a lot, so I'm not gonna let you close yourself like this. And the first thing you need to do is get out of here, because you're just gonna feel worse if you don't"
"What if I want to stay here?" I covered my head with a cushion to shield myself from the light. My head was already hurting enough.
"I know you don't want to. Look, I'm not telling you to go back to New York, but come to my house, at least"
"And start burdening you and your parents too? No way"
"You know that's never true, El" she said. "You can't be under the same roof as the people who caused you to feel like this. You'll let their lies and bullshit get to your head even more if you do"
"They're not lying. I deserved to be hated by them"
"You don't. Look, I care about you a lot, I really do, and I hate seeing you like this. I know you well enough to know you're only making yourself feel worse by doing this. You really shouldn't have come here"
"I told you I don't wanna be in New York because of Sam. Now leave me alone"
"But New York makes you happy. You've been happier than in a long time since you moved there. This place makes you anything but happy, you know it" she said, completely ignoring the second part of my sentence.
"It made me happy because I felt like I could be myself there, and because my girlfriend was there. Turns out being myself isn't a good idea, and I don't have a girlfriend anymore. So that's that."
"You'll have to go back there soon or later, though"
"I don't wanna think about that right now"
"Okay, you don't have to" she sighed. "But what if I help you clean this room for a start? Being in these conditions surely won't make you feel any better"
"I can't be bothered" I just said.
"Have you even showered since you arrived here?"
"Do I stink? Because I haven't"
"No" she chuckled. "I just imagined you hadn't. Have you eaten something decent?"
"Look around you, it's full of food wrappers"
"All I can see are candy wrappers, an empty peanut butter jar and plates full of breadcrumbs"
"Exactly"
"That's not proper food, El. And why the fuck is there an empty wine bottle on the floor?"
"I thought it'd make me feel less sad. It did, actually. But just for a few hours. It made me sleepy and nauseous after a while"
"Of course it did. You can't do this to yourself"
"Let me live how I want to"
"I would if you were living in decent, healthy conditions" she pulled the cushion away from my head. "Can you please just listen to me for a second?"
"No" I grabbed it back so I could cover my head again.
"Ellie" she sighed.
"What?"
"I'll clean up this mess of a room, and you can shower and get changed in the meantime. And you're coming to my house after that"
"Why would I want to do that?"
"If you don't feel better after that I promise you can come back here and do whatever you want"
"And why would I want to do all of that instead of just staying here?"
"Because you'll feel better"
"I won't"
"Just try. I promise I'll let you do whatever you want if you don't. Really"
"Are you not gonna leave me alone if I don't?"
"Exactly"
"I hate you" I grumbled, sitting up.
"You don't"
"Generally not. But I do right now"
"I literally just offered to clean your room"
"You don't have to do that"
"Well, I want to. Now go ahead and shower"
"Thank you, Vic" I said, hugging her as I tried my best to hide the fact that my eyes had gotten teary.
I really needed to be reminded of how much she genuinely cared about me, and I had the confirmation of that once I walked out of the bathroom and saw that she'd actually cleaned my room. The floor didn't look like a dump anymore and the bed was tidily made.
And as much as I hated to admit it, getting out of bed and showering actually made me feel better. Physically, at least. I still felt overwhelmingly sad each time I thought of Sam, which was something my brain would do every few minutes.
"Thank you so much" I told Vic again as we headed out of my house. I obviously didn't bother to tell my parents where I was going, they didn't care anyway.
"No problem" she smiled, throwing an arm over my shoulders. "I'm glad you listened to me, you can be so stubborn sometimes. How are you feeling?"
"Slightly better. But I've been in bed for so long that even walking feels extremely tiring"
"Good thing my house is just around the corner, then" she said. "Do you want to have lunch when we arrive?"
"I'm not hungry, but maybe I should" I shrugged.
"I think so too. You just need to get something more substantial in your stomach, whatever amount you feel like eating" she nodded.
I once again hated to admit it, but my mood had started to slightly improve after being at Vic's house for a while. Maybe I was really just making things worse by closing myself in my room. But I was just so miserable I couldn't get myself to do anything else.
"So did you actually break up with Sam or did you just walk away without specifying anything?" Vic asked right after she placed a grilled cheese sandwich on each of our plates.
"Damn Vic, I was just starting to feel better" I groaned, taking a bite of my food.
"You knew I was gonna ask about her at some point" she shrugged.
"I did break up with her" I just said, not wanting to get into details.
"Why would you do that?"
"It's for the best. I don't deserve her, and she deserves someone who can give her a peaceful life"
"But she makes you really happy. And I don't know that much about her, but I could tell you make her really happy too. You're good for each other"
"I don't wanna talk about it, Vic" I groaned. "What's done is done. She'll be happy I did it in the long-run"
"Stop saying that, you know it's not true. She would have already noticed if you were this horrible person to be with"
"Not enough time has passed for her to realize. I know it"
"But haven't you been missing her these days?"
"Of course I have. I miss her a lot. But she probably doesn't miss me"
"That's bullshit. She's most likely missing you a terrible lot right now. You broke up with her, for fuck's sake"
"Don't be so aggressive"
"Okay, sorry. It's just that...I could tell she was a good person for you to be with. She actually helped you with your anxiety a lot in the past months, and if you couldn't tell I definitely can because I've known you for a long time and have seen you at your lowest. I could tell you're happier and carefree when with her. If she really sees your insecurities as a burden, she wouldn't have helped you through them in the first place"
"I...I just know she would have realized sooner or later" I just said, deep down knowing that what Vic had just said was true.
I'd really been missing Sam a lot, and once the thought of not spending everyday with her actually became reality I couldn't help but wish I hadn't done anything of what I did. But I also had this voice in my head that kept telling me I just would never be enough for her.