Ellie knew that her Mom was nervous about leaving her while she was at the VMA's... but for the first time since she'd been with Taylor, she wasn't the slightest bit nervous. Andrea and Scott were going to be looking after her - it was so exciting. She'd also noticed how happy her Mom had been lately. Always smiling down at her phone, always excited to go to their support group meetings. Her Mom had been stressed lately, she knew that. But she was smiling a lot more, her shoulders seemed less tense. She'd seen her Mom happy before... but this was more than happiness. It was so much more than that, but Ellie hadn't put her finger on it yet.
She was excited to get to spend time with Taylor's parents again. She missed seeing them weekly on tour. Scott had told her that the two of them would go out and grab dinner! And Ellie was excited at the thought of it. She didn't really get to go out for dinner very often - except to Margot's Dad's restaurant last week. She didn't mind it - but it was exciting to think about.
"Bee?" She heard Taylor calling her name. Taylor had been anxious all day - biting her nails and trying to convince Ellie she wasn't stressed. But Ellie knew she was.
"Yeah?" Ellie called out with a smile as Taylor walked past the doorway before finding her.
"Are you sure you'll be alright?"
Ellie nodded, standing up. It was weird, knowing she'd be here without Taylor, and it brought a lot of emotions and feelings and thoughts back... but she was figuring out that she'd be okay. Those thoughts wouldn't kill her. Or at least, she hoped they wouldn't.
"I'm gonna have the best time ever," she grinned. "But I want you to have the best time ever too," Ellie told her. "Andrea and Scott will look after me... I've really missed them. I'm gonna get to show them all my toys and the chickens and the horses! I've been on my own with them before."
Taylor smiled down at her. "I love you so much, Ellie bee."
"I love you too but you've gotta have a fun night and do fun things! And you've gotta tell Blake and James and Inez and Betty and Evelyn that I say hi!" Ellie giggled. "But most of all... will you promise me you'll have fun?"
Taylor grinned down at her. "Okay, okay. I promise."
"You've gotta take lots of pictures because I wanna see them!"
"I promise I will."
There was a knock on the door, and Ellie scrambled downstairs to greet Taylor's parents.
Taylor was in the car on her way to the venue. She was busy texting Selena - who was no more looking forward to the evening that Taylor was. The two of them were stressed and they'd been talking about it the whole day. Today was day two of being in New York without Ellie. It just reminded her so much of everything that happened at the end of July. When Ellie had been taken away. She was terrified of something happening to Ellie when she wasn't there.
Logically she knew Ellie would be fine and it was only a night - but she'd had nightmares about losing her. About being in a crowded supermarket and losing her. Being in a deserted forest and losing her. Someone tearing her out of her arms. She'd been meaning to go and see a therapist herself about it - because it was becoming a problem that was increasing in its power. It was becoming something she worried about so much that she couldn't sleep, couldn't go anywhere without Ellie.
One thing was for sure, Taylor couldn't wait to get some alcohol.
Her phone pinged as she arrived at the venue, trying to take it all in her stride. This had been what she'd missed with Joe - it had been what she'd craved. But she didn't feel that craving anymore - although, she was the tiniest bit excited to essentially have a night out. She hadn't had one in months - and she couldn't wait to see her friends. She'd had dinner with Blake and Ryan and a few others last night - and for a few hours she'd been able to laugh and have a nice time. But she'd had to go to sleep alone. In a bed alone. With no Ellie beside her.
Alone.
She'd lasted half an hour in that bed before she'd given up and went to sleep on the couch.
But here she was, hair and makeup done. Ellie had begged her to leave her hair curly - she'd said that she looked so pretty with it curly. So she was wearing the curls, she'd left the straightener at home.
Glancing down at her phone, it was a Snapchat from Derek. They'd both added each other on Saturday night, Taylor told him that she wanted to see photos of the food he was cooking. She said that, but really, it was an excuse to see him. They mostly communicated through text - but Snapchat was easier sometimes - especially when they were talking about things they didn't want the kids to know about.
She smiled as she looked down at the screen, before going into the Snapchat. It was a photo of Derek, standing in an empty kitchen, holding a giant zucchini, with a thumbs up. Taylor laughed. He'd said, and Taylor had giggled like a school girl when she saw it. She'd told him that she didn't really want to go, and it meant so much that he'd taken the time out of his evening to make her smile.
I believe the kids these days say 'you're gonna eat this up.' Well, my diners will be eating this zucchini, but you'll be 'eating up' the red carpet. Anyway, have fun, make some memories and dance like no one's watching. Ellie will be okay without you for a couple of nights, you deserve a good time too.
Taylor clutched her phone to her chest, a smile on her face. She was blushing from ear to ear, unable to contain her sparkles.
Taking a quick selfie (which meant retaking it five times to make sure she looked good...) she typed out a quick message.
I'd rather be eating your famous zucchini ribbons. Thanks. I needed that.
Taylor bit her lip as she debated on a reply. Did she add to it?
I'll have a drink for you, and don't worry. I always dance like no one's worried and I'm sure a video of it will find it's way to you 😂 Have fun, Chef. I miss Nashville already.
She was going to say that she missed him, but figured that it was too soon for that and that was stupid. They were just friends, just parents. But still, the thought of him put a spring in her step and a shimmer in her eyes.
Taylor walked to her seat, gritting her death when she realised that there was already a camera in front of her face. She hadn't quite expected to have one... right in front of her. But... she'd be lying if she said that she hadn't realised that meant that there's be more opportunity for Derek to see her. Of course, she knew enough about him to know he barely knew anything about this part of her life... but she couldn't help but wonder if maybe he'd look for it. She smirked, thinking about it. Was he curious? Was he a little bit intrigued by the whole thing? Taylor bit her lip, adjusting her dress and her necklace.
She wanted him to be the tiniest little bit curious, even if that made her a bad person.
Finally, someone came around with a drink.
Taylor gasped, glad that finally she was getting her hands on a drink. She'd been checking her phone occasionally, worried that her Mom might have called and she wouldn't know about it. Worried that someone awful might have happened to Ellie.
"Ooooh! What is it?" Taylor asked with a smile, knowing that it didn't actually matter what it was - she was going to have it.
"Vodka," her friend and artist Isis - or better known as Ice Spice - told her with a laugh.
Taylor picked up the plastic cup, before thanking the waiter.
"You look stunning," Isis told her. "I mean, look at you."
Taylor laughed. "Have you seen yourself? You're on fire tonight!"
"How's your kid?" Isis asked her with a smile. Immediately Taylor's face relaxed - talking about Ellie was one of her favourite things.
"Oh... I've had a panic attack about that," Taylor laughed. She wasn't joking, but laughing made it seem less like the worry was consuming her whole. Taking a huge sip of the drink, she smiled. Ellie was fine. She was fine.
Checking her phone again, she saw that Derek had snapchatted her back.
Opening it with a straight face, as not to alert the cameras to whatever she was looking at, she bit her lip.
Oh look, there's you. Somehow the VMA's ended up on the TV in the kitchen? Not sure how it happened tho.
Taylors chest tingled with happiness. So he was curious.
Must have been the wind, she replied with a selfie. She was smiling in the photo. Finishing her drink in a couple of mouthfuls, she got up the courage to reply. Do you like the dress?
She slammed her phone down on the chair, not wanting to see his reply as she realised what she'd sent. She laughed, the effects of the alcohol beginning to surface. She was allowed to go out and have a fun night.
"We'll don't you look stunning," a familiar voice called out to her.
One of her best friends Selena Gomez was walking towards her, looking gorgeous in a scarlet red dress. Taylor stood up, excited to see her. Pulling her in for a hug, Selena laughed.
"Well this is a change from the gumboots and chicken feeding attire you've been wearing of late," Selena joked.
Taylor laughed. "You look... gorgeous! Amazing! Wow." She whistled to her friend. "You made it here in one piece."
"Just," Selena admitted. "I'm here for you, actually." She nudged her. "You know, drunk Taylor is always fun."
Taylor chuckled. "I'm not even drunk yet," she told her with a shrug and Selena raised an eyebrow.
"Oh?"
"What? I'm not." Taylor told her with a grin as Selena went to find her seat. Okay, maybe she was a little bit drunk. Maybe it was the glass of red wine she'd downed before she walked out the door. Maybe she was a little tipsy.
Taylor sat back down, checking her phone. She was a little disappointed at the fact that there was no new Snapchat from Derek.
"Hey Tree, hey Tree," Taylor called out to her publicist who was sitting a few seats down. "Hey Tree, hey Tree..." Taylor waited patiently for Tree to hear her. "Hey Tree."
"How are you already drunk?" Tree told her, and Taylor laughed. "Did you drink water all day like I told you to?" No, she hadn't. She'd been too scared to drink anything. She had forced herself to have a slice of pizza beforehand but that was it.
"I'm not even-"
"I'll be back. I'm getting you some water." Taylor sat back in her seat. Was Ellie okay? Was she safe? Was she happy? What if she was panicking?
Her phone vibrated against her leg and this distracted her from her anxiety.
Derek had replied. Taylor couldn't help but smile.
You look beautiful, Taylor.
The alcohol was making her feel fuzzy, and she couldn't help but feel butterflies at his words.
While she was thinking about a response, he'd sent another photo.
I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever watched the VMA's. Just for you. Just so you know, Ellie and your parents are currently looking at the menu right now, if it makes you feel better.
Taylor blushed, and she didn't care if the camera saw it. It did make her feel better. She quickly replied before Tree returned with her water.
My publicist is already making me drink water 😒 thank you, thank you thank you thank you. I can't stop thinking about it and her and... ufhfcuufu.
She quickly sent the message, and Tree handed her a cup.
Taylor took a sip and went to hand it back to Tree, saying thank you, but the woman just walked away. She didn't want water. Taylor sighed, knowing that she needed more alcohol if she wanted to keep her worries about Ellie at bay.
So she gulped down the water, before grabbing a drink off the next waiter that walked past.
Demi Lovato was on stage, and Taylor was dancing. She was dancing, like she'd told Derek she would. She was dancing, because she knew he was watching. Maybe a little bit because it was a good song that she hadn't heard in a while. Maybe it was because she'd had four drinks and a glass of wine by now. Maybe it was because she knew he was watching. Maybe it was because she knew that Derek was watching her on the TV.
But she was dancing. She was singing. She was almost entirely sure that no one could tell that on the inside, she was still worrying about Ellie. She was a performer, this was an act. She was having a good time. On the outside, she was partying and having fun and smiling and being goofy, but on the inside, she was anxious.
Andrea's name lit up Taylor's screen, and Taylor's heart softened to see a photo of Ellie at the restaurant, an ice cream sundae in front of her.
She wanted me to send this to you and say two things. The first being: Mom, I'm having a really fun time and you don't have to worry about me. The second being: Margot's dad is singing in the kitchen and I think that would make you laugh.
Taylor took a photo of the stage, replying and taking a deep breath. Ellie was happy and she was having a fun time. Derek was singing in the kitchen. She grinned, taking another drink and pulling out her phone to take a photo.
Derek.
Was all she said, and put her phone down.
She'd already won four awards - she'd already given her song acceptance speech for song of the year. Derek had asked if she'd had it all planned out or whether she'd come up with it on the spot. Taylor had told him that usually it didn't matter because she'd have forgotten it all after the alcohol anyway.
Taylor. He replied, a photo of a drink bottle on the bench.
Do you want to know something? She replied, sending a photo of the stage.
I think your publicist needs to get you another glass of water 😂 He told her, and she laughed.
Butttt do you want to know something like, really important? Taylor beamed.
Of course I do. He answered, and Taylor realised she'd never get tired of seeing his face. Of his chef clothes. She knew they had a fancy name but right now she couldn't remember what it was. She laughed at the fact she couldn't remember what it was called.
You're the reason I like Nashville so much better.
She typed out the message, initially debating it. But ultimately, she decided that it was the truth. She needed ti be honest.
Okay, you. You need to get a cup of water or something. He replied, and Taylor sighed.
You're also the reason Ellie likes zucchini now and that's like super important too.
Taylor...
I'm serious!!!!? I'm literally one hundred percent serious right now. I'm at an awards show and I'm winning these awards and I'm in a nice dress with expensive jewellery on and all I want is to be in your restaurant with you.
I'd like that very much too, but right now you've got to be focusing on accepting your awards.
But I can't focus on anything else. I try, like I really try because I don't want to like... like... be annoying and pestering you all the time but it's like all I can think about. Like I know I've only been in Nashville and known you for less than a month but but... but I can't help it. Obviously I'm not going to... well, I wouldn't... act on it at all, because I know that you're not in that place yet and that's like, so fine with me but I... I don't even know what I'm saying and I don't think it makes sense anymore lol.
Taylor hesitated before she pressed send, and then took another mouthful of her drink. Fuck, why would she think that was a good idea? She wanted to unsend it right now - but it was too late, he'd already opened it. Fuck. She felt stupid. But she knew that the words were a jumbled, messy form of the truth. Fuck fuck fuck.
Taylor. She could practically hear his voice, and it made her smile. This is not a conversation to have over Snapchat in different states, no matter how tempting it may be to continue it. Get your head out of your phone, have a good night, and I promise we can talk about it when you get back to Nashville. But I will say one thing: Nashville certainly isn't the same without you.
Taylor almost squealed at his response. Was the ending a hint? Was he alluding to the fact that he felt the same way?
You're right. She typed. I'll get my head out of my phone. I'll let you get back to your chef duties.
And find some water.
Okayyyy and I'll find some water. I'm sorry for being annoying 😂
You weren't annoying - you aren't annoying. It's sweet. But you'll regret it tomorrow if you don't start drinking some water. Looking after kids is no fun with a killer hangover, trust me. I did it once and NEVER AGAIN.
True. You're right. Okay. I'll find some water.
Goodnight, Taylor. New Jersey is lucky to have you.
Taylor beamed down at her phone.
And Nashville is even luckier to have you, Mr Taste Master.
Did you really just come up with that right now 😂
Yes, yes I did. My talents aren't just limited to songs, you know 😂
Alright, Miss Muse of all things from nicknames to award winning masterpieces. I'm heading off now - I've got a big group about to walk through the door so the kitchen needs all hands on deck. Ellie's happy, she safe and she's having a great night. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. DRINK WATER!!!!
Taylor found herself a glass of water, and realised that she'd not felt like this in years. The sparkles, the feeling of happiness bubbling in her chest. Happiness was a feeling, and this kind of happiness made her whole body tingle. She could feel it when she was excited about something. She could feel it. Everywhere. She felt it, and maybe it was the alcohol... but she wasn't scared of what that feeling meant.