To say these past few weeks have been a lot, would be a major understatement. It's taken a toll on my mental health and I can tell it's getting to the others as well. No matter how hard they try to hide it, they're affected by this as much as I am. Their faces aren't blurred in those "exposed" pictures of us and their names are no longer unknown.
Yes, people have asked for Asher's name and relationship with me at the café. His name tag reveals the obvious, but as for the rest of the inquiries he's gotten really good at changing the topic or avoiding the question all together.
Julian has even been approached by one of his clients. Well, ex-client I should say. Turns out he was a fan and he was not happy with the fact that his dog's vet didn't give him all of the wonderful details that is his private life.
As for Sebastian, well, most already knew him somewhat. There used to be a phase where people would fangirl over his looks in random pictures taken of Alexis, since he would usually be found in the background somewhere.
What I'm trying to get at is: It appears that all sense of privacy and "mind your own business" has completely left the building. It has definitely been getting to us and I understand why. It's been a beyond scary and overwhelming situation. And some have been taking it harder than others.
"Ash..." Julian has been attempting to calm an almost hysterical Asher for the past hour in their room. We've been sitting here on their bed for a while now, talking about anything and everything really when the hot topic of what we encountered throughout the day came up. Tears have been trying to escape my own eyes at the too familiar sight. This has been going on constantly for weeks. He'll come home and tell us of the latest encounter he's had with another customer either asking for one of our numbers, our address, or specifics on our relationship. The guilt that has been rising ever since he shed his first tears at the situation is not a fun feeling at all.
However, even I surprised myself. A few months back, I would've practically begged for them to let me go back to my apartment to make sure they don't have to deal with any of this. They shouldn't have to. A thousand apologies would've come from me, but I stick to one a day and they quickly stop my feeling of doubts before I can even finish uttering the word: "sorry."
It took everything I had in me these past few weeks to remind myself that they don't have to go through this with me, but they actually want to. And they show that to me every single day.
A few months ago, I would have never felt such determination to fix things the way I do now. I don't want to leave them. I want to bring this situation to an end with them. I can't walk out of here now without knowing wholeheartedly that I've tried. That we've tried.
So, instead of expressing my guilt and taking that energy with me throughout the day, I use it to fuel the fire. We will get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later. If not for me, then for all of the fallen tears from Asher and to rid the taller two of the lovers of those worried expressions they've been adorning for weeks now. This isn't because of me.
My mind can try and get to me as much as it wants, but this isn't something I asked for. The person or even people behind this are to blame. I don't care who it is, they won't get away with it.
We'll make sure of it.
One positive thing that has come out of this is getting to know each other on a whole different level. As per usual, Sebastian and Julian have been the steady forces during this whole thing. Being in a consistent state of vulnerability around them has definitely been an experience all on it's own. Having Asher actively seek out support from me, to have me as the shoulder he wants to cry on, means more to me than even I could've thought. And vice-versa. We understand each others' concerns and sometimes it almost feels as if we feel what the other feels because we experience things so similarly in our hearts and minds.
It's refreshing not having to explain every little thing going on in my brain. To have someone listen and nod in actual understanding, not some mirrored sympathy of some sorts.
We get each other. Just like how Sebastian and Julian get one another. They're logical way of thinking simply makes sense to them and that's such a wonderful thing. I get it now.
How they make it work
I get why things didn't work out at all in my previous relationship.
I get it all now.
And it's because of this new way of thinking that everything worked out the way they did last night:
"How are you feeling today, Noah?" Sebastian's voice echoes gently throughout my room and I spin in my desk chair to find him leaning against my doorframe in a calm, cool and collected manner; as per usual.
"Fine, actually," I stand from my seat, my back enjoying the break from being in that same seating position for who knows how long. "I've managed to distract myself all afternoon for once," I joke and it actually brings a small grin to his face.
"This whole thing will be over before you know it," he pushes himself off the frame and walks over to me with long strides. "We were thinking we go out for dinner tonight?"
My eyebrows raise, "I thought we agreed for all our safety to lay low with the outdoor dates for now?"
His warm hand cups my cheek, the thumb rubbing back-and-forth right under my tired eyes, just like that one night in winter when they all took care of me. That same gentle touch. "We did, but that doesn't mean we can't be innovative," his other hand takes me by surprise as he interlocks our fingers and pulls me towards my door.
"Where are we going?" I stare down at both myself, our hands, then to his own attire that matches my own in the sense that we're both very much so in our pajamas. "We can't go out like this..." He simply ignores my logic and keeps tugging me forward. I let him, of course, who am I to deny one of the men who have blossomed this feeling in my once shattered heart?
Before I know it, we reach the front door. At first, I thought he wouldn't really think to go out to a restaurant like this, but here we are. The beeping of the security system Sebastian set up rings out briefly as he opens then promptly shuts the door behind us. We don't even have proper shoes on...
My toes peek out from my open-toed slippers and I shake my head at the sight. Well, this will be a fun date...
As we make our way to the garage, I mentally prepare myself for all of the stares we'll get. Not that I would particularly care, but I'm surprised the others-
A full on gasp leaves me as soon as we round the corner by their garage. Their backyard. I completely forgot they have a whole backyard. I've only seen it once, but it most certainly didn't look like this last time I checked...
A sort of canopy has been set up in the middle of the space, fairly lights hanging off the sides that are most definitely sweet Asher's doing. A hand ushers me forward on my lower back, my eyes flitting around the beautifully set up backyard. A flickering ball of light steals my attention, the many candles keeping the bugs away and add that fancy touch that comes with Julian wherever he goes.
My shaky fingers grab the table right as the warmth on my lower back leaves. I take the moment to take everything in. The pink rose petals on the table that must be new as I've never seen it before. A beige table cloth hides the surface if it and wooden stools line the sides perfectly symmetrical.
"This is-" I spin around mid-sentence, wanting to express my genuine gratitude and amazement at the sight. My heart has been racing ever since I caught sight of the backyard, but as soon as my eyes take in the new sight before me, my heart basically stops for a moment.
All three of them are standing there with three different bouquets in hand. Their eyes ablaze with the flickering lights of the fire and my hand has to physically squeeze my chest to ensure my heart can take this. "What-"
"Hm... these past weeks, no, months really have been quite a lot all at once," the brunet of the group starts, stepping forward with a bunch of sunflowers in hand, "but I've enjoyed every moment with you to the fullest," his voice lowers to a whisper after each word spoken. When he takes a step toward me, I finally see the pile of picnic blankets ruffled up by their feet. And right there in the middle of that huge pile of various patterns of fabric lay a really familiar one. It's the same blanket we took with us on our first date.
"To be completely honest," he's barely even a step away from me now, his warmth mixing with my own on this particularly hot summer evening. "We weren't sure how to broach the subject with everything going on lately," his hands push the vibrant bouquet into my chest and he smiles one of his biggest smiles that rivals the flowers' brightness, "but we figured what better time than now, ya' know?"
I look past his shoulder, seeing the other two with equally as bright smiles, which is almost a rare sight for a usually grinning Julian or a smirking Sebastian. "What subject?" I release a shaky breath, my hands tightening around the steams of the strong and lively sunflowers.
"Making things a little more official," Julian finally takes a few steps towards us, carefully sidestepping the blankets, unlike an excited Asher who somehow hopped over them just now. Sebastian is right behind him and the proximity between the four us feels electric. The tension is nearly tangible, our own heat rivalling that of this heatwave.
"We don't want any of that nonsense on the media to take this moment away from us, we've been contemplating this for weeks after all," the blond beauty speaks up, his bouquet of pink tulips joining the sunflowers in my hand carefully. His rings graze my knuckles, sending a cold twinge up my spine before the warmth of his fingertips quickly replace it.
"W-Weeks?"
"We thought we were perfect the way we were, if we're being completely honest..." a bouquet of the classic red roses join the rest in my hand, my shaking fingers barely managing to keep hold of all of it. "We never even thought of bringing a fourth person into this relationship, thoroughly content with the way our lives were going," he shares a look with his other two lovers, the three of them smiling and a look of distance crossing their features as if replaying memories for a moment.
Then, they turn to me with those same looks, a fire in their eyes that completely engulfs that of the reflection of the candles. That same dazed look is being shared with me and my knees attempt to give out.
"But when you stumbled into our lives, it sent us all through a flurry of emotions that we definitely were not expecting," his hand takes the flowers out of my quivering ones, placing them gently on the table behind me, inching our faces closer in the process, "and we couldn't be happier to be where we are now with you,"
"With all that being said, and much more still left to say I'm sure..." Julian continues, his hand resting on my shoulder and his other hand holding Asher's who's smile still hasn't faded during this whole thing. "Would you be our boyfriend?"
"Pretty please?" Asher adds.
I pause. Everything, including my breathing, comes to a standstill. They really want me to officially be apart of something so beautiful? Something I used to heavily question and didn't want to get to close to in fear of hurting again in the process?
Tears force themselves into my eyes. I've become so accustomed to showing my everything to them that even crying comes easily whenever I'm with them.
My reaction, which is definitely being falsely misinterpreted brings Asher's smile down slightly and their hands slowly loosen around me.
"You're really really sure you want me?" I ask. Call me immature or insecure, or anything else that may come to mind, but I just need that one more push. I need that one last reassurance.
"Never been more sure of anything."
My eyes blink at Asher, then Julian and finally to Sebastian.
Each of them so vastly different from one another, but somehow mix together so perfectly. How I would fit into that picture is the one question lingering in my mind, keeping the words knotted on my tongue.
But suddenly I remember the one night they told me how Asher used to feel when he first joined the relationship. They explained how rocky everything started. How Asher actually almost left once due to jealousy or miscommunication.
Yet, here they stand. In perfect sync with one another.
They didn't get to where they are overnight. No, it came with hardships and trials they nearly couldn't overcome. It came with tears, envy, doubt and fear.
All of my worries won't disappear when I say my next words, no, they'll probably multiply and consume me. They'll threaten to take over and tear apart what we've grown until nothing but tiny shreds of what once was are left. I'll have to be more honest than ever before if I say it.
No more hiding, no more maybes and certainly no more running can be done once I say these words.
But, my heart wants this. It wants this more than anything. And I'd be a fool not to listen to my own heart. I'd be a complete and utter fool.
I pride myself in not being a fool.
"Of course..." I finally say, tears tickling my cheeks and neck as they fall, only to be picked up and wiped away by their gentle fingers.
They tug me in the direction of the blankets and we end up splaying them out in various directions to create a large space for us to stargaze. Despite the amount of space we've created with all of the blankets, we somehow still end up as close as possible to each other on the one singular pale blue blanket we've associated with our first date.
Our heads in the center and our eyes never able to keep looking up for long since we always end up looking at each other instead.
Our hands connect the four of us together and in our little circle is a safe space meant only for the four of us.
This is how we enjoyed our night. Yes, the whole night.
We stayed up all night.
So, this is how we're now sitting in the car, Sebastian driving and Julian in the passenger seat, heading in the direction of the beach.
That same night, as we lay comfortably in their rather large bed, we ended up talking about a lot of various things. One of the main subjects being a getaway. We're long overdue for some sort of break from everything. It's practically our break time anyway from work and I already finished my photoshoots for this summer early anyways, so Sarah was more than happy to give me these few extra days of vacation after everything going on.
Asher, of course, sprinted down the stairs to grab the summer list and started reading off of it to see what we should do. It's a last minute idea after all and what better last minute trip than a "quick" drive to the beach.
On our list, one of the many things written down and definitely not crossed off yet is visiting the beach. It's a popular idea apparently that they add annually, but they make sure it's special and unique each time. They rarely visit the same beach twice.
Hot day, sand between our toes that'll be found around the house no matter how hard we try to clean it all for weeks to come, waves crashing down on us thus cooling our skin in the process and delicious ice cream of copious amounts entering our bellies all day.
Sounds like the best plan to me.
"Where are we going?" Asher whines, his body slumping over mine prompting an unsteady groan from me when his weight leans on my stomach.
Blue eyes find his from the rearview mirror, "Ash, if you ask one more time I'll make sure to take my sweet time getting us there," he warns, the low tone of his voice doing things to me I didn't even know could be done...
"How much longer then?" he grins smugly and I elbow him.
"Hey, I for one want to get there as soon as possible," I try, and he finally stops poking the bear and settles on napping on my shoulder for the rest of the ride.
Sebastian made sure we all got up with the birds this morning. We got to watch the sunset as we cruised down the highway together and carefully ate snacks the more responsible pair packed for us less responsible ones.
Now, with Asher laying on my shoulder with slow breaths coming from him, I feel more calm than ever before. The soft voice of the two up front lulling me to a sleepy state. The bright orange hues coming from the star above not even able to keep me awake at this point.
We definitely need this escape. It's been clear how hard this has been and I can tell by the relaxed shoulders of both Julian and Sebastian how much they appreciate this. Their quiet, yet genuine, laughter bringing an added warmth to my already full chest. Their hands hold each others' in the center console and I smile tiredly at the sight.
My eyes close and my breathing starts to match with the steady one coming from right next to me. His hair tickling my jaw and his hand rests on my knee. I grab hold is his pinky with mine, interlocking them before nuzzling even further into him as my ears pick up the small bout of chuckling coming from the front.
"Goodnight, my loves."
My head swirls into unconsciousness, the smile never leaving me even as I begin to enter dreamland. Another hand falls on my knee, but the strength to open my eyes isn't found. I can only assume by the sense of touch alone that it's Julian prompting me to fall even deeper.
"They're so adorable..."
A/N: Am I uploading this without editing it like I usually do? Yes. Am I probably going to regret it in the morning? Probably. Do I hope you enjoy this chapter anyways? Absolutely!
This chapter definitely was not planned if I'm being completely honest, but I won't go into too much detail on my thought process here since I don't want to ruin the flow of things.
Thank you for reading and I'll see you all next week!