The flashing cameras hit my face, but I wasn't fazed by them anymore. Maybe I'd have blindness later in life, but who cared?
I was at the Jade Awards! And at least I don't feel average anymore.
An instant smile spread across my face and they kind of snapped at me, but mostly at the other famous artists. The red carpet was a huge cluster of shiny celebrities, rabid photographers, and crew members and bodyguards swarming around the place. It was blissful chaos.
Here I was, one of these people, not just a guest. I was here to perform again and present the award for Artist of the Year. I wasn't nominated for anything.
Not yet.
I was still new. The competition ended in late July and now it was September and I was performing at the Jade Awards. I had moved to LA already and had a Halloween single ready for next month, and then an EP at the beginning of the year, and maybe a smaller tour.
I wasn't the only successful one. Last week, Ray and Andre revealed their relationship, and their national tour seemed to be going well. I didn't know if it was real or not, but I couldn't put myself through that anymore.
I'm not sure I would've liked Andre now that I think of it.
I'm glad I didn't have to talk to Ray now. At least our paths didn't have to cross anymore.
I surfed through the crowd and smiled. I looked good if I had to admit it. I was in a shimmery rose gold dress that looked to be dripping off of me, and a huge slit revealed glossy black heels. Dangle earrings hung from my ears and illuminated my glossy red wig.
I still felt beautiful. So beautiful.
But I was nervous.
It started in the pit of my stomach before it festered everywhere in my body. This was my first performance outside of the show. This time I could get eliminated from the overall industry if they didn't like me. Everyone was looking at me now. I had to prove myself.
But I knew I could do it.
Everybody turned around in an excited frenzy when all four members of Dilemma stepped out of a sleek black car, all in matching brown plaid suits. Andre and I made eye contact with the faintest second to turn away. I re-plastered a smile on my face.
Andre was with Ray now, even if he tried to tell me it was fake. It was okay. She got what she wanted. She got the win, and she got Andre.
Lennon, who was officially now my manager, followed behind me and my bodyguards as we entered the theatre.
I posed.
Then posed again.
Added a smile
Then a serious expression.
I even did some interviews. Some of them were short and basic because the interviewers just wanted someone to fill the time. One went into depth. I said yes to everything because I didn't want to be contrarian.
Soon we were ushered into an expansive theatre with seats hooked to the walls and seats in the front. Dua Lipa sat next to me and I tried not to freak out.
Vera Martinez was the host and wore a puffy dress and created a dramatic entrance with a comedic intro. It's kind of funny. She soon introduced the first presenter for 'Best Country Artist' and so the award show commenced.
Next was 'Best Music Video'.
Then a performance.
'Top R&B Artist'.
Then a performance.
Awards for every single genre, and category, were awarded as everyone tearfully took the stage to accept. Dilemma so far had won seven awards.
There was still the coveted award, the one that I was going to present. All the performances were good. Dilemma presented 'Overdrive'. I still didn't like the song, but I watched everything intently.
I was suddenly ushered backstage by a crew member where I was told I was three acts away from presenting the final award of the night, 'Artist of the Year'.
What if I forgot my words?
No, we had a teleprompter. It went somewhat okay at the rehearsal.
I vaguely heard Vera say my name, and I walked outside with an awkward smile as I stepped up to the presenters' table. A woman, a model I presume, held the trophy, a clear circle with a jade cube inside, held on a black swirl base. I had always found the trophy to be ugly, but there was nothing I could do.
There was a golden envelope with a jade seal on the table and cameras in front of me.
"Tonight we gather for our last award of the night, to celebrate the power of music in all of its forms," I began. "I have the privilege of presenting the award for Artist of the Year, to show an artist who has captivated the world with their artistry. They have redefined the boundaries and touched lives with music. It's beyond sales, streams, money, and awards. It's truly about the connection between the listeners."
A video went off and played, listing different bands and artists. Everyone cheered the most when it was Dilemma. They were probably going to win.
"And the award goes to," I began, opening the envelope and reading the printed words. "Dilemma!"
'Overdrive' blared through the speakers as they all stood up and walked through the stage. I clapped for them. They all filled onto the stage and gave me awkward side hugs. I lingered on a little more when it came to Andre.
While they gave a generic speech because it was their eighth award, I was ushered off the stage for my upcoming performance, and the stylists zipped off my dress immediately and finagled me into another outfit. By the time they were done with me, I was inside a tight multicolour swath of a tube top and ruffled blue denim shorts and tall black boots. My microphone was all blue and sparkly.
I breathed in and out.
I had to remind myself that I wasn't being eliminated after this. I could just live. I was now away from the certain and controlled environment of Finding Solstice. Now it was just me. I hoped everyone liked it.
I stepped onto the cool glossy stage, surrounded by all the celebrities and the people in the crowd waiting for me to perform. I swallowed. I've practised this for weeks now. I knew what to do.
'Pretty Like' had grown on me and had grown on the public, so it wasn't as hard to perform as the last time.
June Kaizer was on a platform, introducing me to the crowd. In my vision, I saw everyone. The crowd was so wide. It wasn't just in this room. It stretched even beyond this theatre. I saw a whole crowd of people around the world.
I really saw everyone. Ezra Thompson saw everything.
The metronome counted off in my ears.
Here it went.
Everything.