"Hey guys and welcome back to our channel!" Janelle chirped into her phone camera set on top of a mini tripod. "It's me and Grace, and Ezra, our special guest today!"
I awkwardly waved to the camera, sitting in my makeup chair with my hair tied into a lazy bun. I was already swaddled in the gorgeous red dress Martha had given me, paired with thick black heels that shot me into the six-foot range. All that was left was our hair and makeup that would arrive soon. A.C., or Alex a rapper in the competition, as well as Kristen and Winona, were both waiting.
Including being college students, a waitress and a Best Buy sales associate respectively, and part of Nebula, Apparently, they also did Youtube.
"So we're here five hours before the show starts and we couldn't be more excited," Grace announced. "I hope that you as followers would be so kind as to vote."
"So kind," Janelle repeated, holding her hands together and shaking them. "We'd first like to thank you for all the support you've given to us. If you guys vote and we make it, we're going to announce our fandom name."
"Ooh," Grace awed for the audience. "So we're backstage waiting to get our hair and makeup done, and personally I think Ezra looks gorgeous."
"Stand up and give us a twirl!" Janelle exclaimed.
I stood up and twirled just like she instructed, and turned around to show the viewers my dress. I loved it so much that I wondered if I should ask to keep it. I quickly shot the idea down in my head. It would be weird anyway.
"I'm so excited for this," I said, inputting to the conversation on my own. "I'm so nervous!"
"But Ezra is a mad good singer," they told the camera. "Could you believe that was her first time singing in front of an audience?"
I smiled in response. Janelle picked up the conversation. "Ours was when we were thirteen and in theatre camp."
"Y'all went to theatre camp?" I asked.
"Of course!" Janelle exclaimed. "That's where we met. If you had only watched us earlier then you would know."
"The horror," I fake sighed, and they laughed.
"Honestly, there's three years of Nebula lore you have to catch up on," Grace said. "Anyway, guys please vote for Ezra too because she's our friend, and women support women."
"Yes!" Winona yelled from the background.
I couldn't help but linger on the word 'friend'. I never did much with my school associates, outside of times when they made plans in front of me and said 'You could come I guess'. It felt so weird being included like this.
They turned off the camera and set it down. "I think that's enough footage for this section," Grace said, clasping her hands. "I'm going to put it back on so that we can have our hair and makeup recorded."
"We'll edit it by tonight," Janelle reminded.
"That's if we're not doing other things," Grace said, wiggling their eyebrows. I almost flinched.
"Anyway, are your guy's families going to watch tonight?" I asked.
Janelle noticeably stiffened. Grace cut in. "Mine are probably going to be all over this. They're very happy for me."
"And I love that for you," Janelle replied. "What about you Ezra?"
"Once my sister hears about Andre being a judge she's never going to stop harassing me to talk to him," I sighed. "I guess I just have to brace myself for it now."
"Honestly, I haven't even met Maria and I aspire to be her when I grow up," Grace said. "She's so iconic."
"Well, that's going to throw off the balance of nature because she's only fourteen," I explained.
We laughed more. I didn't even have to think of what I was saying most of the time. It's like I didn't have to say anything weird to be added to the conversation. They just let me in.
Eventually, the hair and makeup people came in, kits loaded with God knows what amount of beauty products on me. A man with a platinum blond asymmetrical cut and a woman with long-ass braids came to attend to me.
Platinum-Man eyes me down as Martha did. "I love your facial features. You have this hidden type of beauty, so we're going to bring it to the surface and make you gorgeous," he said. Then he pointed to my face. "I'm in love with this right here."
Braid-Girl undid my low bun hanging on my head, and immediately began to spray water on my hair, then ran a wide-toothed comb alongside oil through my hair to detangle it. She brushed out the front ends and then tied my hair into a wide puff above my head. She brushed out my edges, before applying gel to them and then slicked them to my forehead.
Honestly, I looked good. I'd never really had my hair done like this before. I'm glad they at least got a Black person to do this because lord knows someone else might've done something treacherous.
I realized that there weren't many Black contestants and wondered if they got Braid-Girl just for me. All I noticed was Ray, one of the guys from that band Insomnia, and one of the girls from that girl group 5Ever.
I was probably the darkest out of all of them, meaning that people were going to see me differently. Mom and Dad never really gave me any of the talks when I was younger. I was told to wait for marriage and that I needed to be better than everyone else so that they wouldn't discriminate against me.
The people on the bus who held their purses when I walked by would say otherwise, even though my broke-ass wasn't trying to steal from their broke-ass. Or the boys at school who would blast their rap music in the hallways acting like everyone wanted to hear it, and never skipped over the N-word.
What if they didn't vote because I was Black? That couldn't be the case. Andre and Dorian both won last year, and people went crazy over them. I remembered what Andre said about how people tried to fit him into the hip-hop category. But he still won and everyone practically worshipped the ground Dilemma walks on.
Maybe I was fine. Right?
Platinum-Man applied foundation (surprisingly) in my shade, before applying highlighter on my cheeks, nose, and eyes. He then applied red eyeliner and eyeshadow subtly to my eyes to create something "bold yet subtle" in his own words and then gave me voluminous mascara. The look was completed by a bold red lip combo.
I couldn't believe how different I looked. I looked so beautiful, and I liked that fact instead of running away from it. I couldn't help but smile.
I opened my phone to check Twitter before it died and checked the trending section. Of course, #FindingSolstice took the top spot, and I opened the search. It was mostly people speculating who the guest judge was and some people correctly guessing it was Andre. Most people talked about Ray and how excited they were to see them perform. Once the reveal happened, the Randre fandom would single-handedly be revived by one slowed-down moment.
I clenched my teeth at the thought, but then stopped it. I wasn't bothered by them, and Andre had no bearing on my life. All was good. All was good.
I looked up Andre and then came speculations that he was going to be a judge. Seen that already. However, some were speculating that Andre had a mystery girlfriend and his stans were desperate to crack open the news. Girlfriend?
STAN was this blog that would reveal celebrity secrets. What was the most eerie about this was that they were 100% right once it was revealed. If STAN got to you, then your career might as well take its biggest hit. How could some internet rando have this much information on celebrities?
This meant Andre did have a girlfriend. I sighed. He was the most sought-after man right now. I would be surprised if he didn't have a string of women following him. If the D-1s found out, it would be over for them.
Something bothered me about this. What right did STAN have to reveal this information anyway?
Soon, I was ushered from the big makeup warehouse area and into the backstage area of the theatre.
Everything was one big whirlwind. Everyone was everywhere, running around, cameras flanked just about every corner, and a buzzing frenzy took over the contestants. Everyone marked routines, did vocal warm-ups, or just sat in nervous solitude, like myself.
I dared to take a peek through the curtains to see the glossy stage, illuminated by bright lights. I can hear the excited buzz of the audience, ready to take on whatever we have. All I can do is stare into space.
Every time I breathed, it got slower and shallow, like weights somehow got attached to my lungs. Gosh, what if I forgot my lyrics? Or what if no one liked how I sang? What if I'm too boring? What if I get eliminated?
I stopped the last thought before I dragged my parents into it. I take a deep breath and then breathe out. I repeat the process, letting serenity fill the room.
A crew member tells us that the show will be starting soon, and I catch a glimpse of Halle standing by, waiting for the show to begin. She wears a long slinky yellow dress and chunky heels. Beautiful as usual.
The crew member goes over to the fact that we'll be called in groups of four to be outfitted with our monitors and microphone packs. He goes over the setlist, and I catch my name second in the first group of four, and nervousness shoots through me.
"You'll be given a cue through your in-ears," he reminds, before taking his attention off of us. The four first people please come up."
I wobble up in my newfound heels and head over to the frontmost part of the backstage area. Halle is already on stage gleefully opening the show and introducing the beloved guest Andre.
All the judges look nice from the screen. Brian wears a typical white shirt, and Fiaoruz wears her shades and a black dress snug all the way to her collar. Andre wears a dark red blazer and a white shirt underneath, unbuttoned imperfectly perfectly. His locks are pulled back nicely. He looks nice.
I snapped out of it.
Everyone seemed so excited. I hope I don't disappoint them.
She begins to introduce the first act, and soon the theatre goes dark, as the person's intro video plays on the screen. I remember his name as Malik, and he was one of those acts who had a guitar. He walks onto the stage and sits on a barstool set up for him. As soon as his video ends, he's playing a song I've never heard before, so it must be an original.
I still wish I got to play "Across The Universe". It was such a beautiful song and I longed to hear what I could make it. It would sound so beautiful. If only Lennon could see my vision.
I forced the thoughts out of my head, not wanting to jumble the melodies. After the person who followed Malik, it was me. I hoped that my family would see me perform so that they could see how much this meant to me.
Not them.
Me.
Malik came back and Halle traded his place and announced a commercial break. I sighed in relief at the extended time. I congratulated Malik before he sat down. I hoped that he would make it. I hoped everyone would make it. But that was a far-fetched dream.
I saw them setting up the huge platforms where Penny and May were supposed to dance on and felt my stomach churn.
This was really happening. I was going to sing in my second-ever live performance. I sucked in a breath. I knew the lyrics. I knew how I was supposed to sing. I knew how I was supposed to move. It wouldn't just fly from my brain.
The commercial break finally ended, and it was time for me to face my fate. I was escorted onto the stage in the middle of the boxes and soon the commercials ended. Halle spoke from some random platform near the judge's table and introduced me.
My intro video played, showing the interviews I did over the week, and an in-depth look at my rehearsal footage. I didn't recognize half of this footage. Everything looked so polished and even different.
My intro clip moved into the screen and then faded to black. The metronome queued up in my in-ears.
Oh gosh, this was really happening.
I thought that adrenaline was my favourite feeling. I felt it every time I played music. I felt all the notes I'd studied jumble out of my head and on my hands and voice perfectly.
Maybe this way a test. I've prepared for it nonstop, but I feel like I haven't studied at all.
"Track: Call Out My Name," my in-ears told me to the beat of the metronome. "Artist in position. Intro, 2...3...4."