Author's note: Those who are coming from book 2, already know this book will have some exhilarating scenes, since our FL is quite something. So, be patient. :)
..
4th April
"How are you feeling these days?"
"Troubled."
"Please elaborate."
Ritu sat on the plush couch in Devina Mukherjee's cozy office, her legs folded beneath her.
It was Shreya who introduced Ritu to Devina after her doctor suggested she needed counselling. Ritu never asked Shreya how she knew this friendly psychologist. Because, truthfully, even the most naïve person could speculate the reason.
Abhimanyu, himself, had been avoiding the counselling sessions, but he insisted Ritu must attend all of them. It was to deal with her traumas that kept coming back from time to time in the form of flashbacks.
Devina's office was a haven of tranquility, adorned with earthy tones and soft textures. Sunlight filtered through sheer curtains, casting warm, gentle patterns on the floor. A tranquil painting of a serene meadow hung on one wall. Devina occupied a cushioned armchair nearby. Her kind eyes and gentle demeanor completely aligned with the serene ambience. Her shelves were adorned with a collection of books on healing and self-discovery. A soothing aroma wafted from a softly lit aromatherapy diffuser on a side table, infusing the room with lavender and chamomile scents.
"Lately, I've been feeling like a disappointment. I'm aligned to believe that I experience more disappointment in myself than others feel toward me. Whatever steps I've taken till now, always have ended in a twisted cruelty to my fate." Ritu looked down; her chest tightened as the intrusive thoughts crawled into her mind once again. "Everyone thinks I lead an easy and extravagance life being born as the only daughter to the renowned businessman. But, they... don't know how... wrong they are!" Ritu sighed; her shoulders shivered. "I... feel like the black sheep of my family. Everyone in my family is involved in business. Cause they understand the market. They know how the world works. But me! I don't know anything! I have no idea how things work in the practical world! I- I'm not street-smart." She snorted, "And I'm afraid I'll ever be. I don't understand how people can be so selfish to fulfill their desires! They don't even think twice before conning innocents. I...I opted for fashion, you already know that." Ritu looked up making eye contact with Devina.
Devina nodded in affirmative and gestured her to continue, which she did after a brief pause. "Fashion world isn't any different. In fact, in the world of fashion you can find equally upsetting deceit. The fashion industry's dark truth remains concealed behind the dazzling runways and glossy magazines. You can't even take a step here without the influence of discrimination. Discrimination thrived here in the shadows. The fashion industry is biased, filled with millions untold stories of prejudices and silent struggles. And I am not sure, where the hell I stand in this ugly world masked by its glamorous façade." Ritu paused and clasped her fingers together. She felt exhausted all of a sudden.
Devina said, "But, wasn't it your own decision to pursue a fashion career?"
"It was. Yes. At that time, yes it was my decision. But I'm not sure anymore. I'm not sure if it was just to defy my mother or my stupidity."
"But you have a good sense of fashion."
"Do you think so?" Ritu smiled. "Thanks. Honestly, If I be truthful, I don't stand a chance if I wasn't the daughter of Abhiraj Roy. These days, I wholeheartedly doubt whether it's an advantage or a disadvantage to be my father's daughter. Because the price I've been paying is substantial. I have zero privacy outside my house. That's not a privilege, right? It can't be! I can't meet people I want to meet. And somehow, even if I get successful in that, I end up as the talk of the town. Why is it so?"
Devina nodded, acknowledging. "Yes, I've seen that clip. I'll be truthful to you. It wasn't really a pretty sight watching you lashing out like that. You were all out there. It definitely looked like you had no restraint over what you were talking. What made you so angry?"
Ritu scoffed and rolled her eyes. "It was a disastrous day of my life."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
"Alright. Please continue with what you were saying earlier. How are you feeling these days?"
"I don't know how I'm feeling most of the time. Then...there are times when I'm just confused. I... I feel...I feel exhausted pretending to be okay. Do you know, I can't cry in front of others? It feels like I'm burdening them. Sometimes I feel, if I cry, they'll think I'm weak. My father doesn't want me to be weak. I can't let him down, can I?" She stared at Devina expectantly.
Devina responded softly. "Did your father asked you not to cry?"
"Not really. He just...want to see me... act responsibly."
"Okay. So, you feel like others won't understand the meaning of your tears. Is that right?"
"Yes, exactly." Ritu nodded her head several times. Having someone else say what she felt encouraged her. "They expect so much from me. So, I can't be a burden to them! Can I? You're understanding, right?"
"Yes, definitely."
"But honestly, I'm trying so hard to change myself. I want to be responsible, like my father wants. Like my brothers are. But...but I don't know, I can't seem to do so. Everyone probably thinks I don't try hard enough. But I do! I'm...I'm just tired of failing whenever I try! Just see what happens when I try. I was locked in home for so many days, alone...and when I thought, I can now go out and socialize, things ended in a disaster!" Ritu grimaced before adding quietly, "Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to this world. This place seems too unfair. I question myself often, what am I if I'm not my parents' daughter? Nothing. I'm nothing without them! Nothing! My brothers...at least they've proved themselves worthy. But I-" Ritu stopped abruptly, feeling miserable.
"Has anyone ever compared you to your brothers?" Devina asked after a few seconds.
Ritu shook her head. "No. At least, not in front of me. But...I know. They talk behind my back."
"Okay. Have you cried recently?"
Ritu averted her gaze to the painting on the wall, trying to remember the recent time she cried. "I think, in front of Papa, a week ago."
"But you said, you can't cry in front of others."
"That's true! But after that..." a shiver ran down her spine as she remembered of those traumatizing memories. "...whenever the...memories come, I- I can't...stop. I feel so... helpless during those times."
"Understandable. Please relax now."
Ritu nodded and averted her gaze. Her eyes fell on the diffuser. The thin flames spiraled up slowly. She resumed speaking on her own, "But it's easier to wear the mask. No one needs to know what's going on inside my mind. The emptiness...and the fear...of judgment. They are all covered inside the sky-high walls... I feel... concealing my emotions from myself is the easier way out. It spares me from confronting the internal turmoil. It's the only way I can think of that might help me avoid the struggles. I said earlier that I feel confused. But truthfully, I am just... existing. Cause I'm not sure what I do most of the time. It's... it's excruciatingly difficult to take a damned decision! I feel tired all the damn time. And I... I feel exhausted...dealing with the feelings I don't even...understand. Why is that a thing?"
"Feelings that you don't understand you say?" Devina inquired attentively.
Ritu shifted her eyes on her and nodded when Devina asked her next question, "Have you ever talked about these confusions with anyone?"
"No. What's the point? They'll probably say I'm overreacting. They might even call me sensitive. I don't want that."
"Are you not sensitive?"
Ritu's eyebrows curled as she bit on her lip, pondering on the question for a moment, then shrugged. "I guess. It isn't that important."
"Why do you think so?"
"If I had prioritized my sensitivity, I'd have already introduced the person I'm seeing to my family. But I haven't yet."
"Why?"
"It's complicated." She couldn't really disclose about her mother's dislike of Pihu. Or the fact, that she was into women. Not that she herself wasn't confused these days. Coming out in a world so judgmental was already hard, and while she was grappling with her own hidden self-critic, she wasn't sure if she wanted to add to it.
"Alright. If I give you two options, which one would you choose? The person you love, or your family?"
It was an easy answer. For now. "My family. I'd be disappointed for sure, but my family's opinion matters to me. They love me before anyone else. And I know they want nothing but to see me happy."
"I see." She noted down something. Then asked, "How are your legs doing?"
"They're working. Much better than a week ago. I can walk and stand continuously for at least half an hour now. Not that I've tested beyond that. I mean, my therapist didn't let me go standing over thirty minutes yet."
"It's wonderful to know that. I hope you start running again."
Ritu shrugged with a half-hearted smile.
"And about the nightmares? Are you still having them?"
Frankly, she hadn't had those nightmares for quite a sometime. Ritu shook her head. "I had no nightmares for the past couple of days."
"That's very good." She wrote down something again. "Your unrecognized feelings, since when are you feeling so? You can trust me with anything. Nothing escapes these four walls."
Ritu glanced down on her lap while fiddling with her hands. "I...I feel guilty." She paused uncertainly.
"You can trust me with anything, Ritusha," Devina assured her again.
"The person I'm seeing is a girl." She paused, unsure of what to say. An uncomfortable silence ensued.
Devina's soft voice broke the silence between them. "It's completely okay to like a girl. If you feel attrac-"
"No," Ritu hastily interrupted, "it's not about that. I am not ashamed to accept my sexuality. But it's this other person I met the other day, that has me all worked up." Ritu paused again.
Devina waited patiently.
After a momentary pause Ritu resumed, "My sister-in-law said something confusing but profound to me the other day. After which my emotional intelligence isn't working properly, I guess. And soon after that, I met this one person, he...he makes me so... angry." Ritu's fists curled into rigid balls. "Whenever his face rushes to my mind, I...I want to smother him. He...he has put my family's reputation at stake! I absolutely hate this person. In fact, I loathe him. But the problem is, lately...I– I can't stop thinking about him. I-" her shoulders slumped, "I don't understand why my heart starts beating rapidly when those memories flood my mind. It's so frustrating! We barely had spent a maximum of two hours together, and it has been bothering me tremendously."
"The situation you two were stuck in wasn't in your favor. Am I reading that correctly?"
Ritu nodded her head, breaking eye contact with Devina. She looked down on her clasped hands.
"Alright. Do you have anything else to share?"
Ritu shook her head, still looking at her hands.
"Well, how are you feeling after having those off your chest?"
Ritu shrugged. She didn't feel any better. Only that, someone now knows what she felt.
"Ritusha, I think that'll be all for today's session. I'll suggest you to reach out to someone you trust and talk to them. You don't need to share your secrets with them. Just talking is enough for now. And, I want you to do more art from now. Paint your emotions on the blank canvas. Use colors, of course. I'm sure you can do that."
Ritu wasn't sure about the talking part, but she could paint. She certainly could do that. "I can paint, yes."
"Brilliant. Don't skip your medicines, alright?"
"Yes, sure."
"See you later, Ritusha."
Ritu got up, nodded, then left.
Shreya was waiting for her outside the office. Irfan was there too. When Ritu approached them, they stood up. She made an eye contact with Shreya who nodded, acknowledging.
After another fifteen minutes, their car crept along the bustling street, its tires navigating narrow gaps between market stalls. Stalls overflowed with fresh green vegetables and plump, sun-kissed fruits. Their vibrant hues tempting passersby. Vendors passionately touted their wares, their voices blending into a lively chorus. The air was alive with the heady scent of seasonal mangoes and earthy herbs. Shoppers weaved through the crowd; their bags filled with nature's bounty. Amidst the chaos, their car inched forward.
Ritu broke the silence. "Why are we taking this route?"
Shreya was already looking out the window. She responded in her calm voice, "I was thinking of making fruit custard. So, I thought I'll buy some fruits along the way."
"You could've asked Dona di. She would've bought it for you."
Shreya turned her head and smiled bashfully. "If I ask someone else, how'll it reflect my love then? When we put efforts into something for our person, it develops the unspoken understanding between us. To seek external validation would diminish the sacred intimacy we've cultivated. I don't want that, do I? You know your Dadabhai. I'd like to make it into perfection, according to his preference."
Ritu rolled her eyes. "Oh wow! You're such a person Shreya, I swear."
"Anyway, are you coming with me? I'll get some strawberries and mangoes, some custard apples, dates..." Shreya would've continued unless Ritu stopped her, "Owkay! I get it. Which one do you want me to buy?"
Shreya smiled enthusiastically. "You pick up some strawberries for me, please. I'll go ahead and buy the rest."
Ritu shrugged, agreeing.
They left the car and the car went ahead to find a spot for parking.
"Go ahead," Ritu urged. Shreya nodded and went toward the lane at the right side. Irfan stayed back.
After what happened that, it be real foolishness of her to assume he'd leave her side even for a second. She sighed and walked toward the stall where the vendor was selling strawberries and jamuns.
She picked a basket of strawberries, covered in transparent wrapper and examined the red, juicy fruits inside it. When she felt satisfied enough, she reached inside her pocket to bring out the money. Since both her hands were preoccupied, one with the basket of strawberries and another with the damned walking stick, she struggled to bring out the money. As she fumbled in her pocket for money, her precarious balance wavered. Panic flashed in her eyes as the world seemed to tilt. She could feel the shift in weight, the unstable tilt that spelled impending disaster.
In the vast span of a second, as gravity began to claim her, she stumbled into a passerby. Before she could grasp the situation, her bodyguard lunged forward, his hand outstretched, desperately trying to intercept the fall.
But he was a heartbeat too late.
As her body collided with the stranger, the basket fell on the ground, its wrapper tore and the strawberries scattered all around them. Embarrassment washed over Ritu as she glanced up at the person she'd bumped into, their eyes meeting in an unexpected moment of intimacy amidst the chaos of spilled fruit and concerned murmurs.
The world seemed to zone in and froze for a moment. A frown gradually formed on his face as he steadied her, helping her regain her footing.
"Are you alright?" he asked in his gentle voice.
"You?" The word escaped her lips in disbelief. She couldn't believe her fate! This was beyond infuriating!
Before her stood none other than Jai Basu.