Kabanata 25
Shattered
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko sa sinabi ni Arshed. He looks so serious to the point that I question my trust in Jardine.
No. Jardine won’t do that. I know he’s friendly to someone else but I know he wouldn’t do what Arshed accusing, lalo na at nandito ito sa Canada.
Nauna akong lumabas sa elevator ng walang kibo. I can feel Arshed following me, and even heard him sighed.
Hindi ko ito pinansin. My mind was still hooked up on what he just said.
‘I saw it with my own eyes. He didn’t see me because his attention was on the girl he’s with.’
I closed my eyes tight and blew a loud breath. When I felt that I already calmed myself, I got my keys in my pocket.
“Captain…” Tumigil ako dahil sa pagtawag ni Arshed sa akin pero hindi ko ito nilingon.
“I won’t ask for an apology for what I have said earlier. It’s better that I said it than let anyone hurt you.” I didn't say anything, I just stayed facing my front door.
“I don’t care if you’ll get mad at me for telling the truth. I don't care if you loathe me for being honest to you. I ain’t one of the heroes who is willing to sacrifice you for the betterment of the world. I am a villain who would rather burn the world than let them control and hurt you.”
I flinched because of the cold dripping in Arshed’s voice. He made sure that what he said will be carved in my mind. He made sure that I will feel the assurance in his words, and yes, he did.
Hindi ako umimik nang hindi na nagsalita si Arshed. I continue what I’m doing recently and open my door completely and get inside without saying anything to him. I’m still processing what he just said.
As my back leaned on the back of my door, my tears started to welled up in the corner of my eyes. My heart hammered and my hands were shivering.
I am so full of shit recently and what I had discovered earlier is breaking me entirely.
Is Jardine really cheating on me?
I tried to process it.
No. I know Jardine won’t do that. He promised me that he won’t hurt me.
Or am I sure that he won’t? Do I really believe what he had said? Did he really mean his promises to me?
Kahit na pagod na pagod ako galing sa biyahe, sobrang late ko pa ring nakatulog. Kaya kinabukasan ay muntik na akong na late sa trabaho.
I called Jardine in the dawn because he wasn’t in my condo, he left a letter saying that he'll be with his friends kaya hindi ito mag-e-stay sa condo ko, but he didn’t answer my call. I assume that he fell asleep already, but a part of me is laughing at me for thinking that way.
Jardine is a soldier, they’re trained to stay alert, kahit pa natutulog sila.
I gaslighted myself that maybe his phone was set in silent mode since he was on vacation, that’s why he didn’t hear my call. I left a message that he’ll call me back if he receives my message. Pero nag-landing na lang kami sa Istanbul, wala pa rin akong natatanggap na mensahe o call back galing kay Jardine.
My heart hammers as I park the aircraft I’m maneuvering on the white painted ramp, in my designated area. Panay ang lingon ni Arshed sa akin habang bumabiyahe kami kanina. Siguro ay tinitimbang nito ang sitwasyon. He didn’t talk a lot, unless it’s needed. Ganoon din ako. I focus myself in aviating while we’re on the coastline of the sky, kaya ngayong naka-land na kami, hinayaan ko na ang sarili kong isipin ulit ang mga sinabi ni Arshed.
I know Arshed didn’t do anything wrong—unless, of course, he’s just lying, which is unusual for him. I know he won’t lie about such things, that is why I am so torn. Either I believe in him, or I will confront Jardine about it, and both will hurt me.
“Captain, don’t you want to go to the cafe?”
Nilingon ko ang pintuan ng flight deck nang marinig ko ang boses ni Devon. Pareho silang nakatingin ni Arshed sa akin—si Devon ay nagtataka, samantalang si Arshed, hindi ko mapangalanan ang emosyong naglalaro sa kulay asul nitong mga mata.
I shifted my eyes from Arshed to Devon.
“Ne?” (What?) wala sa sariling tanong ko.
Devon sighed and looked at Arshed’s direction, bago ulit tumingin sa akin.
“Sabi ko, hindi ba kayo bababa? Papunta kami sa cafe, ayaw niyong sumama?” ulit ni Devon kaya nilingon ko rin si Arshed na nakaupo pa sa right cockpit.
“Ah... susunod na lang ako. I have an important call to attend now,” saad ko at sinipat ulit si Arshed. Tumango si Devon.
“Okay. Ikaw, Officer Salvaleon, don’t you want to go outside?” Bumaling si Devon sa gawi ni Arshed, ganoon din ulit ang ginawa ko. His eyes were just staring at me—unbothered by Devon’s questions.
“We’ll be there together after Captain Yara takes her important call.”
I raised my brow at him and looked away before I pursed my lips.
Why does he look at me like that? E, hindi naman ako ang nagtatanong e.
Tumango si Devon. “Okay! We’ll be at the cafe, then,” saad nito bago bumaba ng eroplano kasama ang iba pang crews kasunod ng mga pasahero.
Naiwan kami ni Arshed sa loob ng eroplano. I didn’t hear anyone outside the flight deck kaya alam kong lahat ng crews ay nakababa na rin.
I heard Arshed cleared his throat. I swallow hard.
This is fucking awkward, him sitting beside me, waiting to whatever I need to do.
“You don’t need to wait for me, Officer Salvaleon. You can join them... I’ll just need to stay here for a while,” saad ko.
Hindi nagbabago ang paraan ng pagkakatitig ni Arshed sa akin habang sinasabi ko iyon, kaya nag-iwas ulit ako ng tingin at bumuntonghininga.
I don’t really know what I should do right now. I want to check my phone for an alibi, but I don’t feel like doing it anyway. Not when Arshed is watching every move I make like a fucking hawk!
Lumipas yata ang halos limang minutong walang nagsasalita sa pagitan namin ni Arshed, that’s why when he shifted from his seat and a growl slipped on his lips, I know he felt the same.
“How are you?” parang hirap na hirap na tanong nito sa akin. This is the first time since this morning that he asked me something that is not related to our job, and it makes me feel a little... emotional.
No one asked how I was doing these past few days, not even my family. Not even Jardine. He didn’t contact me yesterday about my flight, not even today after I left a ton of messages last night. And Arshed—asking me how I feel—somehow lifted the heavy feeling I have had since last night.
I felt so heavy last night when I heard from him that Jardine is cheating on me, that he thought we broke up already because he saw him kissing another girl.
It feels so unreal, but the sadness and unnamed emotion in his eyes showed me that he shared his sympathy towards me.
“I’m... fine, I think?” hindi siguradong sagot ko bago nag-iwas ulit ng tingin.
I haven’t been so confused in my entire life, not even when I learned that I am not my mother's daughter—that I am just my father’s bastard. But with Arshed, I did. Everything he did to me confused me.
“I don’t know if I believed you, but I am as confused as fuck now. My trust issue is building up again after what you had said,” mapait na pag-amin ko.
I question now my worth. Is it worth lying to me? First, my family lied to me about the real me... and then, now, my boyfriend... the supposedly man of my future.
“I want to confirm what you said. I don’t want to rely on what I heard around me—”
“You mean you don’t want to rely on what I said,” Arshed cut me off. My teeth dug on my lower lip. “I understand you, Captain. As much as I want you to see it for yourself, I don’t wish you to witness it. I don’t want to see you hurting too.”
My heart hammers because of the cold, hard voice of Arshed. He sounds like he’s so against the idea of seeing me confirming the truth. He sounds like he doesn’t want me to see exactly and proved to myself what he saw, kasi alam niyang masasaktan ako. Alam niyang mawawasak ang puso ko.
I need to confirm to myself whatever Arshed’s accusing Jardine—that’s what I have planned to do the moment we’ll be back in Canada.
Kaya kinabukasan, dahil day off naman namin, I decided to prepare a dinner for Jardine and I.
I prepared myself to go out for dinner to the newly opened restaurant that Devon said. She invited us—Arshed and Captain LeVier for that dinner but I told them that I have a dinner date with Jardine. It was a lie though, because I haven’t reached Jardine yet, but that’s my plan.
The restaurant was located across the famous bar near Devon’s condo building kaya alam ko kung saan iyon.
Alas siete y medya na kaya bumaba na ako. I don’t know where Arshed is. I didn’t text him. As for Devon and Captain LeVier, they said they’ll be at the restaurant in 20 minutes.
I called Jardine before I got in my car, and thankfully, he answered my call.
“Hey, where are you? You didn’t come to my condo today,” sunod-sunod na tanong ko nang sagutin nito ang tawag ko.
“I’m sorry, Captain, I forgot that today is your off. I am with my colleagues.”
I sighed because of what Jardine said.
“Okay. Let’s have dinner tonight?” I asked again.
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, love, my comrade from the marine invited me for dinner tonight. I said yes already because I didn't know you had a plan tonight. I really forgot that it’s your off, and I thought you’ll be late again just like yesterday.”
Mapait akong ngumisi. He didn't expect me to be home early either because of my flight schedule, right? He knew it from the very beginning.
Kaya imbes na sayangin ang pagbibihis ko, I decided to go to the restaurant that Devon is talking about. I can eat with them, instead of crying myself inside my room.
I drove off. Nang makarating ako sa restaurant ay tinawagan ko na si Devon na kararating ko lang sa restaurant. Nagtaka pa ito kasi ang sabi ko ay may dinner date ako with Jardine so I told her what happened.
The valet greeted me before he got in my car and parked it.
Devon already got us a reservation for four kaya agad na akong naglakad papasok. Kakaunti pa lang ang mga customer dahil bukod sa kakabukas pa lang nito, maaga pa ang oras para lumabas ang mga tao para maglibang, maliban na lang kung paghahaponan talaga ang sadya mo.
Nasa entrance pa lang ako ng restaurant ay agad nang dumapo ang mga mata ko sa mesang nasa malapit sa glass wall. It was Jardine and a woman I didn’t know, holding hands at the top of the table.
I tilted my head, trying to compose myself and gaslighted myself again that it was his comrade from the marine that he’s talking about.
But I know I can’t be that foolish to think that way, lalo na kung paano ko nasaksihan ang halikan ng dalawa—inside the restaurant, where there are customers around them!
My hands shiver as I slowly feel my feet shaking. Parang bigla akong nahilo sa nakita ko.
I can’t be wrong. It was Jardine fucking Elliott! My fucking boyfriend—who is kissing someone else now in a public place!
A sharp thing tugged my heart. I stopped myself from crying and decided to turn my back. I needed to leave before I made a scene here.
My eyes blurred from the forming tears and I bumped into a wall—a smelly wall. No, the smell was so familiar.
I looked up and saw the man owned the familiar scent. It was Arshed’s!
My lips trembled as I tried so hard to fight the urge of hugging him.
My heart ached as I realized every single thing. Arshed is right. Jardine is cheating on me. My family is lying to my face. I don't know about my mother. My job is getting affected because of my haywire mind. They shattered my world without me even realizing it. They wrecked me like I am such a stupid human being—like a toy that if they were tired of playing with me, they chose to drop me off and let me be shattered like useless trash in the corner.