"Alright everyone! We're going to go around the circle and say one interesting thing about ourselves. It can be anything that you feel is interesting, whether it's what you had for dinner last night, or how you're great at maths, or what you did last week. " Ellie wasn't nervous now that she had Margot. Ellie hadn't met a kid who had a similar story to her, and it was reassuring to know that she wasn't the only one out there with birth parents that didn't treat her right. She was sitting cross legged on the floor, sitting beside Margot. She was surprised at just how many other kids there were in the circle, but it made her sad that they'd all been treated like she had been. Kids didn't deserve that. Kids didn't deserve to know pain and hurt the way that she had.
"Ellie, do you want to go first?" Lydia asked. "You get to hold the magic ball while you talk," she smiled. Ellie nodded even though she didn't really want to go first. Taylor would love to hear she'd been fearless and gone first out of everyone. So Lydia through her the magic ball. It was sparkly - it was lots and lots of little glass squares all stuck together in neat rows. Ellie hadn't seen one before - but she'd heard Taylor talking about them.
"Hi. I'm Ellie... I'm nine years old and an interesting thing about me is..." Ellie could think of lots of little interesting things about herself. Like how she'd seen her birth mother's dead body or how she had a scar on her foot from when he birth father got too angry or how she didn't like showers or how she could only drink water out of a drink bottle... there were so many things she could say. But she didn't say any of them. Because Taylor had told her that there were lots more important things about her. There were so many other things that made her Ellie, not just those monsters.
"I... I helped my Mom come up with some of the dance moves for her tour."
"Woah," Margot audibly exclaimed. "That's like the coolest interesting fact ever, Ellie."
Lydia smiled. "It sure is! That must have been so fun! Alright Margot, it's your turn next. Ellie, could you pass the magic ball onto Margot?"
Ellie passed the ball to Margot with a smile, proud of herself. She'd spoken up! She'd never done that at school - she'd never raised her hand or spoken... but she'd done it today.
"I'm Margot and I'm nine and three quarters." She giggled. "My Daddy has a dessert on his menu that's named after me."
"What is it?" Ellie asked.
"It's a caramel ice cream with chocolate mousse andddd a little tart thingy. It's really yum. It's really fancy too. He always serves mine with extra chocolate," she giggled.
Taylor hadn't expected to get into the nitty gritty details about how it felt to be the parents in the situations they were involved in. She hadn't expected to be talking all about their thoughts and personal stories like they were.
"I think there's a lot of focus about the kids and what the kids have been through, and there's not so much of a concern towards the parent helping them through the situation." Kirsten acknowledged. Taylor watched as many of the adults in the room nodded, and felt a sense of validation that it was hard being a parent.
"Of course, parenting itself is hard, but when you're raising a child that has been through some sort of nightmare that you couldn't even begin to imagine... at the hands of other adults. I have a daughter who I gave birth to, but I also have a son who was beaten every time he spoke out of hand, and raising them is completely different." She paused, glancing down at a sheet of paper.
"Derek, what's something that you do with Violet that you couldn't do with Margot when you first brought her home?"
Taylor wasn't overly fond of the questions, and felt like she was back in Highschool again.
"Margot was absolutely terrified of being on her own," Derek admitted. "At night, we'd have to take turns sleeping beside her. She had to feel one of us touching her at all times, just to feel safe. It was normal for us, and it's only in this past year that she's been to school and gotten some independence that she's realised that she will survive being on her own." He paused, running his hands through his hair. The sun was shining through a crack in the curtain, and was making his burnt sienna skin glow, lighting up his eyes. She liked his eyes.
Taylor didn't know why she noticed that.
"It was weird to us, when Violet was born, that she could just... sleep anywhere. Whether she was alone or with someone... we've never really had to sleep with her. It's odd," he shook his head. "I'll Sometimes hear Lottie cry in the middle of the night and I'll panic, thinking that she needs me, that she needs someone to comfort her... but she's perfectly capable of doing it herself in a way that Margot struggles with sometimes."
"It's like that with Jason," One of the other parents spoke up. "It's really hard because you want them to gain independence but you also need to comfort them when needed. And I think that being there... all the time... it's a way of soothing yourself too. Your fears and your anxieties about it."
"You don't want to coddle them, but it's hard because sometimes... sometimes they need to be pushed, even just a little bit. Sometimes we need to be pushed too, I guess." Another parent added.
Taylor was too nervous to even begin thinking of what she could add to the conversation. Glancing down at her hands on her lap, and sighed softly.
Of course, she'd expected to feel a little overwhelmed, but she was feeling slightly more than a little overwhelmed at this point.
This was all so new to her. She clenched her hands together, trying to stay calm. How was everyone so good at talking about their feelings? So open and honest about the things in their head? Taylor started picking at her fingernails, worrying about whether she was good enough. She wasn't good at talking about her feelings, and she did soothe herself by making sure that Ellie was okay all the time. Did that make her a bad parent? Did that make her silly? She felt her stomach knot, felt her chest tighten. Sure, she could get up and perform in front of a hundred thousand people, she could write award winning songs about her life and stories from her heart... but this scared her. This terrified her. She didn't like being open and honest with a group of people she didn't know. Especially because it was a topic that Ellie was so involved in.
"How are you feeling?" Derek pulled her aside after the group was finished talking and they were just waiting for the kids to finish up too. Violet was back at the cookie table again, which made Taylor laugh. She had these bright eyes, and the biggest smile that Taylor had ever seen.
"I'm..." She tried to find the right word to describe it. Tried to act like she wasn't panicking.
"Overwhelmed by it all?"
She nodded with a smile, but began to stress that someone had seen right through her. She thought she'd been doing a really good job at hiding it. "That just about sums it up."
"It's a pretty overwhelming thing - talking about our feelings like this as adults."
She agreed, "I haven't had to be this open in front of a group of strangers in many years."
He laughed. "You'll get used to it, I promise. I've met some of my... closest friends at this group."
"Does your wife come to the group sometimes?" Taylor asked, and watched a fleeting look of sadness pass across his face.
"She used to," he told her with a smile. "She used to be the one who remembered to put Margot's shoes on in the car. And the one who stopped Lottie from eating all of the chocolate cookies on the table. And she'd be the one who would explain things so perfectly in the group. I mean, I go to speak and all the words just fumble out of my mouth," he chuckled. "But she passed away a couple of years ago."
Taylor wanted to cry, wanted to slap herself for bringing it up. How could she be so stupid? How could she not tell that he'd flinched when one of the other parents brought it up earlier?
"I'm so sorry to hear that," she breathed. "That must be so hard for you - and the girls, too... but especially on you."
He shrugged, glancing over at Violet. "It was cancer," he almost whispered. "It was so hard on her towards the end... that it was better for her to not be in pain anymore. It was brain cancer, so it just... it took everything from her." Taylor could tell that he didn't necessarily believe all of this. That if he could, he'd still want his wife here.
"What was her name?" Taylor couldn't help but ask.
"Melody," he smiled as he said it. "You know, people think that I don't want to talk about her anymore because she's... gone... but it feels nice to say her name out loud sometimes. Anyway... enough about me. You told me that you had-"
"Daddddyyyy can we pleaseeeee have Ellie over for a play dateeeeeeee!" Margot skipped into the room, holding Ellie's hand. "Like right nowwwww!! Because she's like my absolute best friend in the whole wide world!"
Derek laughed, shaking his head. "I'm sure Ellie and her Mom have lots of places to be, Magpie."
Margot dramatically sighed. "Do you have places to be, Ellie's Mom?"
Taylor laughed.
"Margot," her father glanced apologetically to Taylor. "The offer is out there if you don't..."
"Would you like that, Ellie?" Taylor watched as Ellie's face lit up.
"Yes please!"
"Would you like to come back to ours?" Taylor didn't want to admit that she probably shouldn't go to another person's house, or that she'd probably have to tell her security and that she would probably... she felt guilty. There were just certain things that she couldn't do. She couldn't just go and have a play date with a random person she'd met an hour or so ago. So she offered the next best thing, for them to come around to their place. Derek didn't seem to mind.
"If that's okay with you, it's okay with me."
"Oh my gosh Margot you're gonna get to play on my jungle gym!" Ellie exclaimed, and Taylor's face softened. Her daughter was radiant.
"Can I give you my phone number and you text your address to me?" Derek asked.
The two of them exchanged phone numbers, before they headed out to the car.
"Margot's my best friend in the wholeeeee world," Ellie told her the moment they were in the car.
Taylor felt her heart flutter at the words. Seeing Ellie happy made her happy in a way that nothing else did.
"Really?"
"Yup!" Ellie did up her seatbelt. "She's super nice and she's really loud and funny but I like that about her."
"Did you have a nice time?"
"Lots of the kids had the same stuff happen to them," Ellie told her as Taylor pulled out of the parking lot. "It makes me really sad that there's just a bunch of kids growing up in houses like I did."
Taylor sighed, but Ellie kept talking.
"But... I guess it's good 'cause I can see that there's lots of other kids who made it to the other side too," she giggled. "Margot says that her Daddy always forgets to make her put shoes on in the morning."
"I'm sure her Dad has lots going on," Taylor told her with a smile. Glancing over at her in the rear vision mirror, Taylor felt warm. Ellie was really, really happy in a way that Taylor hadn't seen her before, and that made her feel like none of the other things mattered.
She was nervous about having Derek and the kids over. Had she tidied the place up? Had she wiped the kitchen bench after dinner? What would he think? He was a chef, what if he didn't like her kitchen?
Was it tidy and clean and... she knew that the most likely answer was yes, but still she panicked.
"Did you make any new friends?" Ellie asked after a few minutes of silence.
Taylor couldn't help but grin. "Yes, actually."
"Who with?"
"Margot and Violet's dad," she admitted.
"Ooooooh!" Ellie's little face lit up. "Really? Are you going to be besties for life?"
"Well, I don't know him that well just yet-"
"I think you're gonna be besties! Mom?" Ellie wouldn't stop chattering, and that made Taylor happy, because it meant that she was happy.
"Yeah?"
"What do you think of Gracie's boyfriend?"
Taylor was taken aback by this question. Ellie had only met Miles once, and it had been on her birthday last week.
"I... I dunno... I just don't know if he's as nice as Gracie is."
"It would be pretty hard to be as nice as Gracie," she replied. "But we'll have to get to know him a little better, won't we?" Taylor smiled, but made a mental note to keep an eye out on Miles. She knew that Ellie was incredibly good at reading people. At reading their thoughts, their feelings. And if Ellie thought there was something strange about Miles... then Taylor would believe it. But she also knew Gracie. She would hardly go up to her and tell her that her boyfriend sucked... but she'd be watching from a safe distance.
"I guess so.... But I just think that someone like Gracie should get someone who's as nice her..."
Taylor was anxious. This was the first time she was meeting up with a normal, not famous, not... well, he was just a regular human being. Of course, he was one of the best chefs in the world and that amazed her - because that was such an achievement.
Everyone else she'd ever had around to her house had been a part of the haze of being famous in one way or another.
And Derek seemed really normal. He didn't seem like he cared that he was in the top ten chefs in the world - it just didn't matter to him. At least, that's what it seemed like.
They pulled into the driveway one after the other, Ellie squealing with excitement.
"Thank you so much for letting Margot come around," Ellie exclaimed. "I'm literally so excited right now!"
"You're welcome, little bee. Have fun, okay? Make sure you include Violet too, we don't want her to get lonely and feel left out now, do we?"
"No," Ellie smiled. "Love you, Mom."
"I love you most, Ellie bee."
"Wow, this is like... your whole house?" Margot exclaimed the moment she got out of the car.
"Isn't it amazing?" Ellie threw her arms out super wide.
"I love it! It's like... it's bigger than our whole street!"
"Margot," Derek told her as he helped Violet out of the car. He'd spent the whole time telling Margot to be on her best behaviour and not to mention the house at all. What does the kid do? It's the first thing she mentions, the moment she gets out of the car. He wanted to die of embarrassment - he didn't want it to seem like he was overwhelmed by the greatness of the woman standing in front of him.
"What?" Margot exclaimed. "It's massive!"
Derek glanced over at Taylor, apologetically. He'd never really gone to any play dates before. The parents at the support group - he'd been really close with them before Melody passed away. They'd always been having play dates... but in the last couple of years, he'd just come up with excuses. He was so scared of saying the wrong thing, he didn't know why he wanted to impress her.
Usually he was in the restaurant, and when he wasn't at the restaurant he was tidying the house. When he wasn't doing that, he was taking the kids to school, packing lunches and making dinner. The support group had been Melody's idea - he'd not wanted to go. He wasn't overly fond of talking about his inner feelings. The thoughts inside of his head were private, he didn't like a whole group knowing about it. But she'd dragged him along, and he'd found comfort in the fact that there were other guys out there who struggled with the things he did. Things like trying to make it in the world, trying to raise his daughters as if they were just like everyone else. Raising them to be good little humans who understood differences, that skin colour didn't matter, that they were just as amazing as everyone else. That was a lot of pressure for him - Melody used to be so good at explaining differences and kindness and all of those things. But then she was gone, and he was left dealing with them alone.
He just didn't seem to have that talent for words as she'd had.
He glanced over at Taylor, who was showing the girls the playground - which, in Margot's words, was ginormous - and he smiled. He'd not really heard about Taylor in real life. Sure, a couple of her songs might play on the radio and the kitchen, but he'd never gone so far as to google her.
He didn't think that most celebrities would consider going to a little support group like that - hell, celebrities didn't live in Madison, Nashville at all. Celebrities also didn't act like she did. She was just so... unexpected, and that surprised him.
"Come in," Taylor told him, taking off her sunglasses. "I've got some raspberry lemonade, or tea, or coffee... or water."
"A raspberry lemonade, please. This place is amazing," he told her as the two of them headed inside. They could see the playground through the French doors in the kitchen, which Taylor opened.
"It's still a bit of a mess," he heard her say as she put down her keys. "It's the... homiest house I own," she paused. "Not that that makes sense." He hovered as she pulled out a glass jug of pink, sparkly liquid from the fridge. She glanced up and saw him studying the sparkles, and smiled.
"Ellie loves glitter almost as much as she loves raspberry lemonade. I figured I'd combine the two."
"You made it?" His brows raised in surprise. Taylor blushed, nodding.
"It's been a trial and error thing; I've finally got it perfect. Well, Ellie loves it at least. Can I get your girls some?" It made him flustered, the fact he'd never done the whole play date thing before. What did you talk about? When did you know to leave? Fuck, he stressed - he should've said no. He should've made up an excuse as to why they were busy. He was in Taylor's kitchen, and he was just... he was here. He couldn't believe it.
"I'm sure they'd love that, thank you." He smiled.
Taylor handed him a glass, pulling out three plastic Bluey cups for the kids.
He tasted it, and he was shocked at the taste.
"Oh my god, Taylor, this is delicious. Far out." He shook his head. "It tastes like summer," he couldn't quite believe it. Earlier, she'd described it as perfect - and he realised why. Because it quite literally, was perfect. It was the sort of drink he'd been trying to create for months, to go on the menu. It was summer in a glass, it was perfection.
"You're being kind," she laughed. "It's definitely not that good."
"No, it is. I want to put it on my menu," he admitted. "I can never seem to come up with drink ideas - but this... oh my god, it's like... can't you just imagine sitting by the pool on the hottest day of summer with this in your hands?"
"Are you serious?" Taylor stopped what she was doing. "I can write it down if you want it..."
"God, yes. I need it." Derek was worrying he was coming across too strong - like he was sucking up to her. That wasn't the case at all, but he just wanted the raspberry lemonade in his restaurant.
"I'm going to call it 'Taylor's homemade lemonade,'" he added with a laugh.
"Girls!" She called as she brought their drinks over to the table.
"Ah! Mom's raspberry lemonade is the best ever!" Ellie squealed. The three of them charged towards the table, and took their cups onto the porch. It took Violet a little longer than the other two, but she got there in the end. Derek smiled at the three of them, sitting on the front porch step with their matching Bluey cups.
"I take it you've seen every Bluey episode in existence?" He asked as Taylor sat down at the table.
"Oh, I've seen them many, many times. Even the new ones." She spoke. "Your daughters are truly so beautiful."
She looked over at Derek, a questioning look in her eyes. "Did it take Margot a long time to settle in?"
Derek nodded, finished his raspberry lemonade already. "I would say it took nearly two years for her to be okay," he glanced down at the table. "Unfortunately it felt like everything was just finally falling into place, and then Mel got her diagnosis... and it unravelled itself again."
"My Mom was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago," Taylor's breath hitched. It always hurt - even now. "She... she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015... and then again in 2019."
Derek's eyes were warm, but saddened by what Taylor was telling him - she knew he understood. "That must have been so hard for you, Taylor. I couldn't imagine going through all of that twice."
Taylor glanced out the doors, trying to warn off any tears that were threatening her.
"I once thought it was the hardest thing I'd go through, but that was until I met Ellie. Like
I said, it's a long story, and it probably wouldn't make any sense to anyone else but me."
"Try me," he told her gently. "It's nice to get it off your chest. It's a heavy thing, adoption. Especially when it's involving kids that are coming from terrible conditions. No one tells you how hard it is - supporting them through it while trying to make it through yourself." He shrugged. "Sometimes we need help just as much as they do." He continued, and Taylor's brows furrowed together slightly. He was seeing right through her - into all of her cracks and bones and rust and fear and panic... he had walked into her life and seen through it all.
It was terrifying. She knew that to most people, she came across as if she had it all together, that she was on top of the world in sequins and spotlights... Taylor knew that people saw the loud, funny, cute person on the stage, knew that they saw the smiles and the speeches. But most of them missed this side of her. Fuck, Joe had barely been able to acknowledge this side of her. The side of that was actually so insecure of herself, of her body, her ability as a lyricist, as an artist... and it scared her that Derek saw it the moment he'd met her. It made her wonder if she hadn't been hiding it as well as she'd thought. How much Ellie being taken away had hurt her. Had crushed her and shattered her and destroyed her. Maybe she wasn't as good as pretending she was okay as she'd hoped.
Because she could be on top of the world one minute, and then broken on the sidewalk the next.