A/N: We are down to our 5 final chapters! Chapter 42 will be end of the Book 1. Thanks for all your support so far, and I hope you stay til the end!
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The moonlight guides my way back to the estate. I move sluggishly, feeling the weight of the knife in my pocket as my mind replays the events of the evening. The blade of the knife stabbing into Zofia's skin. The blood staining her uniform. The sound of her screams. The way her body was already growing cold when my mother and I tossed her into the river, hoping it would carry her downstream. I can see the fire in my mother's eyes again, telling me that the knife that I carry will also be the one to slay Asteria. My stomach, with nothing in it, already is threatening to empty itself again when I think of the choice laid out before me.
First, though, I stealthily make my way back to the estate. Though no one suspects anything now, they will soon when Zofia does not return for her walk, and I am carrying a major piece of evidence. Thankfully, the estate remains quiet. Only crickets and frogs are here to witness me.
When I return to my bedroom, my limbs are shaking. Safe in the privacy of my room, I remove the knife from my pocket, staring at it under the light. The blood has dried, covering the knife's metal sheen. I am tempted to wash it, but I would rather not look at it. I glance around nervously, finally settling on layering it in between my undergarments in one of my drawers. I would hope it is the last place someone would look for evidence.
I glance down at my hands, still finding Zofia's blood on them. I quickly undress from my maid's uniform, knowing I will need to do my laundry first thing tomorrow. Though my outfit was nowhere near as stained as my mother's, tiny drops of blood on the white fabric would be enough to damn me. I toss it aside for now in my hamper and quickly navigate to the bathtub.
It feels like an eternity for the water to fill the tub. All the while, I pace around nervously, hoping Asteria will not call upon me. Finally, a warm bath awaits me, and I spend the next several minutes vigorously scrubbing my body from the soles of my feet to underneath my fingernails. Though the blood has long since washed away, I scrub obsessively. My breath comes out quick and rapidly, and my heart beats so fast that I am afraid it is going to leap out of my chest. A sob escapes my lips, and I bury my head into my knees.
In truth, I do not mourn Zofia. She treated me disrespectfully the moment I arrived and tried to kill me herself, but that does not mean she deserved her fate. My tears fall more rapidly when I think of my mother. How could a woman I looked up to murder someone like Zofia with no remorse? How could she threaten me, when she would not even listen to what I had to say about Asteria? In the moment, I have never been so frightened of my mother before. I think back to when the knife was outstretched toward me, and I think guiltily how I almost assumed that I would be her next target. Instead, however, she intended for the next target to be Asteria.
I bite my lip to hold back tears as I think of the choice my mother has laid before me. Kill Asteria or do not bother coming to Magewell at all. It is true that in this moment, I realize that everything tonight would not have happened if I never strayed from the plan. I want to berate myself, tell myself that I was foolish, and yet, I do not regret my love for Asteria. However, I cannot so easily deny my role in the plan. Even now, I still long to be responsible for the end of the Magnuvian royal line, excluding Asteria.
The hot water begins to make me dizzy, so I wash myself one last time, still not confident all the blood has been cleansed from my body, and dress into my evening nightgown. I gaze at my bed as I step out of my washroom, doubting that sleep will come to me easily tonight, if at all. Though out of sight, the knife in my drawer threatens me at every moment, reminding me of the choice I have less than a week to make.
I jolt as a knock at the door moves my gaze away from the drawer.
I glance at the clock, seeing it is late. I panic, suddenly wondering if Zofia's body has already been found. Is Alba here to question me? Are the guards here to arrest me?
However, when I open the door, I merely see Asteria, looking as bright and beautiful as ever. Her face is enough to calm me.
"I have been waiting ages for you, you know!" Her tone is teasing, but I can tell that she has been annoyed by my absence.
"I'm sorry," I say, trying to keep my voice as normal and steady as possible. "I had a visitor this evening. She was a relative of the family I used to work for. I ended up going on an evening walk with her. I wasn't sure if you were asleep, so..."
Asteria's hand falls into my own. "Come with me," she says.
I nod and follow. Alone in her room, I sit beside her on her bed. When her head moves downward to kiss me, I foolishly look away.
"Fe? Is something wrong?" she asks.
Zofia's lifeless body continues to flash in my mind. My limbs threaten to shake again at the thought of it, but I can't risk Asteria thinking something is seriously wrong. Instead, I shake my head and turn to look at her.
"No," I tell her, with a smile on my face.
"Are you sure?" Asteria asks again. She traces my cheek with her hand, and I shiver underneath her touch.
"Oh, it's just the usual homesick feeling I get when someone visits me," I lie. I lean my head up, and my lips meet hers. It feels wrong savoring in the feeling of Asteria's lips on mine when my mother just killed one of her maids a few hours ago. My stomach churns when I think of how my mother asked me to kill the woman in front of me. I wring my hands around Asteria's neck, pulling her closer to me and deepening the kiss. Right now, I desperately need a distraction. Thankfully, when I pull away, I can see desire reflecting in Asteria's eyes.
Lost in passion, I barely think of Zofia and my mother when Asteria's fingers and lips are tracing over my body. Each whimper, moan, and utterance of "I love you" helps mask the loud thoughts inside my head. For a brief moment in time, I am able to forget what Zofia's dying screams sounded like or the resolve in my mother's eyes when she handed me the knife. I do not even think of the murder weapon that lies hidden in the crevices of my bedroom drawer. All I can think about in the moment is Asteria and my love for her.
However, the night drags on, and Asteria and I grow tired. Eventually, we turn out the lights, and Asteria quickly falls asleep. However, trapped in the inky darkness with no one to talk to, my thoughts return to me. I gently trace my fingers across Asteria's bare back and kiss her forehead. She mutters something incomprehensible in her sleep and curls closer to me, letting out a deep sigh. I gaze down at the woman who has fallen asleep on my arm and hold back tears. How can I kill her? Would it really be worth it to do so? Just for a chance at revenge?
And yet, I saw the fire in my mother's eyes today. Would she act the same way toward me if I failed her? I think back to that night when I dreamt my mother was saying horrid things to me. At the time, I assured myself it was silly to think those words would ever pass through my mother's lips:
I'm disappointed in you.
Now, however, I am not quite sure if I believe she would never say them.
I grapple with my thoughts awhile longer, once again weighing my love for Asteria with my loyalty toward my country and family. I think of what will happen with Zofia's death. Will they find the body? Will they find the murder weapon? What will tomorrow bring?
I sigh, wishing I could tell Asteria everything, but to do so would break our relationship beyond repair, not to mention it would probably cost me my own life as well.
I lay awake for I am not sure how long until sleep finally overtakes me. I thrash in my sleep, dreaming again and again of the knife plunging into Zofia's chest and the blood that I cannot remove from my hands no matter how hard I try. I am trapped in an endless swirl of horror, only awoken when I feel hands on my shoulders, shaking me awake.
I wake with a gasp and glance up, finding Asteria hovering over me. She has taken the time to put her nightgown back on, meaning she must have been up for a little while at this point. Shards of sunlight line her room. Morning has come, and my mind feels no clearer than last night.
"Fe? Are you okay? You were moving around an awful lot," Asteria says. She places her hand to my forehead, which is slick with sweat. "I think you're feverish."
"N-No. I was having a nightmare," I say. I rise slowly, holding the covers to my body. "Sorry. You must have been waiting. I can dress you."
Asteria bites her lower lip. "Actually, that was not why I woke you. Alba is calling for you. I lied and said you were finishing dressing me."
"What about?" I murmur groggily.
"She says Zofia has gone missing," Asteria says. Worry reflects on her face, and my heart immediately sinks.
"I-I'll hurry and get dressed," I say, climbing out of bed and pulling my nightgown back on.
"Be careful, Fe," Asteria says nervously while I dress. "I am bothered by the news of her disappearance. Perhaps I was not paying as careful attention to my father in Magewell as I should have been. What if the spies—"
I cut her off with a kiss. "I will be okay. I promise," I tell her. It is the truth for once, but not for the reasons she would expect.
When I head back into my bedroom, I dress quickly. I briefly reach into my dresser, checking the knife is still there. I let out a sigh of relief when I feel the handle. I quickly cover it back up again with my undergarments and head out the room quickly. When I arrive to the maids' quarters, Alba has lined all the maids up in the living room and looks at me with a scowl.
"We sure waited a long while for you, Miss Fe," she says.
"My apologies," I say. I stand intentionally next to Maria, hoping to put some distance in between myself and Arabelle and Josie. They were the closest to Zofia, and no doubt they will be the most anxious about her disappearance.
"I trust the princess has filled you in?" Alba asks.
"I heard Zofia is missing," I say.
"That is correct," Alba says. "I have been asking the other maids here if they know anything about Zofia's whereabouts. Miss Morgan says that Zofia went out on an evening walk last night, correct?"
Maria nods. "Yes. Just as the sun was setting."
"The other maids have already explained their whereabouts at the time. Miss Powell was with the princess readying her for bed, Miss Riley was bathing, and Miss Morgan was returning from cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. Which leaves...you, Miss Fe. I heard from the guards that you had a visitor last night?" Alba asks.
I grit my teeth, upset that I barely have a fighting chance already when it comes to Zofia's disappearance. However, I must maintain my composure. To bring suspicion now would risk destroying my mother's entire plan, even if I do not end up partaking in it.
"Yes. It is true I had a visitor last night. It was Elsie Holland, the daughter of the Hollands who I served in Magewell. However, we did not come across Zofia during our walk," I say.
Alba eyes me with the same suspicion. It is the same look she has given me while caring for the princess too, and it aggravates me like no other.
"Were you aware that Zofia did not return from her walk last night?" Alba asks.
"No," I say. "How would I have known? I do not live with you all anymore."
"It is interesting you say so, Fe, because by all accounts, you are the one who would have been most likely to see Zofia. It is a small town, after all," Alba says.
My eyes narrow in annoyance. "What are you trying to imply?"
"We all know that you did not get along with Zofia," Josie grumbles.
"Precisely," Alba says. "While I do not condone what Zofia and these other two did to you, there would be reason for you to do something to Zofia."
Though my heart is pounding, I do my best to feign shock. "What the hell are you implying?! What I speak is truth! I had a visitor come last night, we went on a walk, and then I returned to my corridors."
"And where did you go on your walk?" Alba asks.
"We walked along the road! Where else would we have gone?" I ask.
Maria steps forward suddenly. "Alba, wait. Please do not accuse Fe. You see, Zofia did not go out for her walk until Fe returned. Fe and I briefly spoke to each other when she was returning to her corridors. She mentioned to me how she had just been out with a visitor, enjoying the evening air. When I returned to the maids' quarters, Zofia left to do the same."
I process Maria's words slowly. It is not so much a stretched truth but rather an outright lie. Though we did speak last night, it was before my walk, and certainly Zofia was already out walking by then. However, with the two other maids being occupied, they would not know what actual time that I was out enjoying my walk. Josie was too preoccupied with the princess when the guard came to alert me I had a visitor, and Arabelle would have no idea either given the fact she was bathing. I had been writing letters in my room directly after dinner, so the timing is possible that I took off immediately after dinner and then returned a bit later in the evening, before the sun went down.
"See?" I say to Alba. "I did not even know that Zofia went out on a walk last night until Princess Asteria told me this morning."
"Zofia and Fe were never out walking at the same time," Maria agrees.
"And why did you not mention this earlier?" Alba asks Maria.
Maria stares at her meekly. "I'm afraid I forgot until just now."
Alba grumbles. "It would not be the first time your mind hasn't been sharp." She turns to look at Arabelle and Josie. "Can either of you confirm this?"
"I was bathing. I heard no one enter or exit," Arabelle explains.
"And I was with the princess until the sun went down, so I cannot confirm or deny it either," Josie responds.
"You swear you are telling the truth, Miss Morgan?" Alba asks, staring her up and down.
"On my honor," Maria says.
I hate that she is lying for me, and I have to wonder why she is lying for my sake, too. However, I cannot lose the opportunity she has given me. I stare at Alba, trying not to smirk.
"Very well, then. My apologies, Miss Fe. Perhaps I misjudged you," Alba grumbles. "Still, this is concerning that Zofia has gone missing. The guards are out searching as we speak. If any of you come across anything suspicious, please alert me or the guards at once. And do not let the princess worry about this matter. She is aware of Zofia's disappearance, but I do not think she needs to know how grave this situation might be."
We all nod and slowly begin to disperse. I do not want to stick around in the maids' quarters after having been correctly accused, so I excuse myself to return to the main estate. I have only just made it towards the garden when I hear someone shout behind me.
"Fe! Wait up!" Maria calls.
I spin around, waiting for her as she rushes over to me.
"Do you not have chores to attend to?" I ask.
"I do. But I wanted to speak with you," she says. "Perhaps we should talk in the garden?"
I nod and walk with her. I worry that Asteria may be out on a stroll, but I remember she is not even dressed for the day and would not be escorted to breakfast without a maid beside her. Maria leads me to the garden's edge. I wish Asteria's secret garden were accessible, but I suppose this spot, slightly isolated from the rest of the garden by hedges and flower bushes, will have to do.
"Why did you lie for me?" I ask quietly. "You know just as well as I do that Zofia and I were out at the same time."
"Because I knew you were going to be falsely accused," Maria says. "The other maids, while they may have been disciplined, still don't like you. And I can tell Alba is resentful about you taking her head maid status. They were going to find a way to frame you for Zofia's disappearance either way they could. But I am your friend, Fe, and I trust you. I could not let them do that to you."
My heart warms at the comment, then shatters when I remember Zofia's lifeless body again. I've always admired Maria's youthful nature, but I realize her naivete is what is going to harm her the most. Still, I cannot deny how much she has aided me.
"Thank you," I say. It pains me to say the following words, but they come out regardless. "Truly, I was just visiting with a former client of mine. We walked along the road, and then I returned here and went up to my chambers."
"I believe you," Maria says. "If they say anything else, I will continue to defend you."
"Thank you," I say again. "The same can be said about you."
"I would hope that they don't accuse me of anything, but thank you. I only hope that Zofia is found safe and sound. I am sure she must have just gotten lost. Or maybe she went into town and had a bit too much to drink. She does like her liquor. I have no doubts she will return by this evening," Maria says, a smile on her face.
How foolish she is, and how cruel it is for me to play into the lies.
"Yes. Of course," I say. I glance back up at the estate, knowing Asteria will be waiting for me. "I should return."
Maria nods. "Take care, Fe. I'm sure we will all know where Zofia went soon."
I wish her well and depart. As I walk back to the estate, I allow myself some time to sit with my feelings, but once I am back inside, I must put on my brave face again. I dress Asteria and eat breakfast with her with the same smile I always have, wash my clothes (much needed after the events of yesterday), and dust the inner hallways of the estate. When I am afforded a break in the afternoon, I do not go to Asteria as I often do. Rather, I return to my bedroom.
In the solitude of my room, I breathe in and out, trying to calm my thoughts. Slowly, I inch toward the drawer where I hid the knife and remove it. I sneak a quick glance back at my door, ensuring it is locked, and stand in front of the mirror with the knife.
I had always assumed if my mother asked me to kill, I would never question it. Kiana and I were trained with weapons when growing up. Certainly I have all the skill needed to become a murderer. And yet, standing in front of my mirror, knife in hand, I look small and cowardly. I hold the knife not like a weapon that will be used swiftly and efficiently, but something that weighs me down and must be hidden.
I close my eyes, trying to envision the knife sinking into Asteria's side. I see the knife replaced with Zofia's dried blood and coated in hot, fresh blood instead. I think of the blood racing across the fabric of Asteria's dress. I imagine her screams, the betrayal that would reflect in her eyes. The sight alone makes me want to vomit. I should just clean the knife and dispose of it somewhere it won't be found, but ultimately, it goes back into the drawer.
My heart has never been so torn before. Whatever decision I make, someone will be harmed, either physically or emotionally. The weight feels almost too heavy to bear. I think, will it really matter to kill Asteria? She has already shared with me her disagreements with colonization, but I also remember sitting in the war strategy room, seeing her distanced stare. Even with King Ruben and Prince Stephan out of the picture, would her subjects accept her?
Angered, I toss the knife back into the drawer and continue with my day. When dinner rolls around, I eat with Asteria and accompany her back to her room. She invites me inside while we wait for Maria to come ready for her bed.
Though I readily accept her sweet kisses, I cannot help but feel guilt spread through me each time her lips touch my cheek and forehead.
"Fe? Are you sure you're okay?" Asteria asks, using her palm to wipe some stray hair from my forehead.
"Zofia going missing has gotten me slightly out of sorts," I admit. "We all thought she would be back by now."
"Don't worry. The guards are still searching," Asteria promises me.
I smile weakly at her. "Would you mind if I sleep in my own bedroom tonight?" I ask. "I don't want to keep you up with my restlessness."
"If that's what you would prefer," Asteria says. "Though you will always have a space in my bed should you need it."
"Thank you," I respond.
She kisses me softly. "Good night, Fe. I love you."
"I love you, too," I respond, kissing her once more.
Though I would love nothing more than to hold her in bed, I cannot keep lying beside her if I am meant to kill her in only a few days. Instead, I return to my bedroom, ready myself for bed, and endure a long night of tossing and turning, still unsure of who I owe allegiance to.