I started therapy at the start of August, I've had 3 sessions this month, I won't have one next week as both my therapist and my parents are away on holiday.
My most recent one went more into my assault and childhood trauma, which lead to a realisation...
I'm very shy and tend to hide away as a "safety blanket" I used this to keep safe after my assault, I learnt that keeping my head down and getting on with whatever at home/school/work meant I was alone, and hid myself away from everyone.
I thought I only started doing this after my SA but my therapist suggested that I started using it much younger.
When I was 19 months old, my younger twin brothers were born 8 weeks premature and extremely underweight, this caused my mother and then to spend almost 2 months in hospital with side effects of having a premature birth/labour. My therapist said that I was the oldest child and the 'healthy' one when I used my safety blanket to cover up as I learnt that the twins needed more care and attention than myself.
I know it's not the twins or my parents fault, but knowing that something that happened to me as a infant could have affected my entire life, made me cry for hours afterwards. And knowing that my mental illness wasn't just affected by my SA, but from stuff that happened 13 years before it.
One of the issues with me using my safety blanket, is that my family/friends/teachers got to know the safety blanket Tilly and not the actual Tilly. Which would explain why I struggled so much in school and making friends as I got older.
I'm slowly still not healed and may never be, but therapy is definitely helping my healing journey.