I wake slowly in the morning to the feeling of fingers threading delicately through my hair. In my drowsy state, I believe it to be my mother comforting me. I sigh contently, knowing now that she never meant those words she repeated to me last night; that she still cares deeply about me whether I succeed in my mission or not, and that she'd never be disappointed in me. However, when I open my eyes, blue eyes, rather than brown, peer into my own.
"A-Asteria?" I murmur weakly.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," Asteria says. "You just looked so peaceful." The sunshine invading her bedroom illuminates her golden hair, making it appear almost heavenly. I push down my initial disappointment that it was her who woke me, and not my mother, but when her lips gently trace my cheek, I feel content once again. "You can go back to sleep. I can delay dressing until later."
I shake my head. "No. I feel rested. Don't worry."
"If you say so," she responds.
As we both begin to stir and ready ourselves for the day, Asteria makes no mention of my nightmare; nor do I make an effort to bring it up. We let whatever moment transpired in the early morning hours pass. I do not want to think of the possibility of my mother ever saying those hurtful words to me, and I don't think Asteria wants to upset my mood by bringing up whatever it was that was troubling me. Asteria rather shifts the conversation to a different subject while I brush her hair out.
"Today I suppose we should begin acting more subtle about our affection towards each other," she says disappointedly.
"I agree," I respond, as much as it hurts to do so. I take another strand of her long, blonde hair, and brush it out slowly. "Even if I am not finding as many spare moments in between my duties to see you, I hope you know it does not mean any less of my feelings for you."
Asteria smiles warmly. "I wouldn't expect it to. The same can be said for me. I suppose these moments when we are in the solitude of my bedroom or the garden will only become more special."
I hum in agreement and pull the brush away from Asteria's golden locks. Her hair routine is now complete, and we are both ready to begin our duties for the day. Asteria rises gracefully and turns to face me. Slowly, she leans down to press her lips against mine. We do not kiss long, only for a few lingering moments, but I do my best to savor the warmth of her body against mine as I kiss her back gently and press my palms into her waist.
"You're already making it difficult," I say when she pulls away.
"I know," she responds playfully. "Shall we head off to breakfast, then?"
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
For the next few days, Asteria and I keep our affection for each other subtle. We limit our kisses and embraces to private areas of the estate where we know we won't be interrupted. We often wake early to share slow and lingering kisses before I dress her. And though we often are off doing our separate duties during the day, I always look forward to sharing breakfast and dinner with her. Finally, each night, I sleep soundly in Asteria's bed, comforted by her warmth. I even have brought over my maid's uniform and some clothes into her room to prevent being caught going back and forth between her room and mine.
Though this routine runs smoothly and eases my concerns about dutifully performing as a maid, it does not calm the guilt raging through my body as I think about how I am lying to Asteria, how I am being disloyal towards my country, and how I am neglecting my mother's wishes for me. It has been two weeks now since I have sent my mother a letter, and I know she must be impatient for a response. If I do not think of how to proceed soon, she will no doubt arrive to Esterpool, demanding to take me home as she has threatened to do once before.
One afternoon, Alba stops by my bedroom to deliver a letter. I grab for it shakily, already knowing the sender. I am only thankful that there is no visitor waiting for me at the back gates this time around. I shut my door and take a seat at my desk, slowly opening the letter and bracing myself for its contents.
Dearest Fe, it begins.
I am most upset to hear that you will not be writing as often. I had thought you knew how much I enjoyed and appreciated your frequent letters. I grow quite worried when I do not know how you are doing, and though I have the ability to visit you, it is always difficult finding the right time.
Haukea is excelling profoundly in the royal guard. She writes to me many times a week to share stories of her time there. She is growing quite used to the castle and its inhabitants. She has even had the pleasure of interacting with the king and prince on multiple occasions. I had hoped, given your proximity to the princess, I might hear more tales from your days serving her.
I hope you find some time to write to me soon, and I hope the stories you share are more than enough to make up for your limited writing as of late. Do not overwork yourself in Esterpool. Know that your position is only temporary, and the princess can always find someone to replace you.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Elsie Holland
I fold the letter away slowly, not wanting to reread any portion. My mother's message is abundantly clear: continue writing with information, or I will be pulled from Esterpool. Only a short while ago, I was frightened by my failure to live up to her expectations, but now I fear leaving Asteria just as equally, if not more.
I bury my head into my palms. Who do I choose? My loyalty toward my country? Or my love for Asteria? I am angered the answer isn't more clear. For now, I will need to continue writing to my mother, as much as I hate doing so. Perhaps the bits of information I give her do not need to be explicit in detail, but they need to have some semblance of usefulness for her to allow me more time in Esterpool.
Time. That is truly what I need. In time, I will be better situated to make a decision. For now, I will write, even if it is not truly what I desite to do. I glance at the pieces of parchment on my desk, knowing that this means I will need to start invading Asteria's privacy again and asking more intimate questions. I am sure she would answer to whatever I ask of her, but I feel guilty doing so.
I glance up at the clock in my bedroom, realizing I cannot linger much longer. There are chores to be done, and even if Alba no longer supervises me, she will notice if I am slacking. I will have to return to my letter later, when I have more valuable information to share.
I busy myself throughout the day with the usual chores – sweeping, laundry, dusting, coordinating with the chefs, and so on. When that is not enough to distract me from my thoughts, I seek out Maria so that we can enjoy afternoon tea together.
"Are you sure you have time for tea, Fe?" Maria asks. "I know you're busy with your duties."
"It's been a while since we last spent time together. I'll catch up on anything I missed tomorrow," I respond. Asteria is in another meeting with some royal officials, which seems to be happening more often lately, so I must turn to Maria for company instead.
We find a seat outside between the maid's quarters and the garden to sip on some tea. The weather is warm and pleasant, with the summer months finally beginning to issue in. It makes me long for back home, where the weather is warm year-round and the sun is nearly always shining.
"How are your head maid duties coming along?" Maria asks as she sips on her tea.
"I am getting more used to it," I respond. "Although," I let out a large yawn, "it is much more tiring."
Maria looks at me, alarmed. "Be sure you are taking care of yourself, Fe! I know your injuries are healed now, but rest is important. I am sure the princess can lessen your duties if needed. She appears compassionate enough to do so."
I smile weakly, not willing to tell Maria that the reason I am so tired is because I am acting as both Asteria's maid and...lover? I realize that neither Asteria or myself have truly defined our relationship. I care for Asteria, most deeply, but neither of us have admitted we love each other, nor have we done anything beyond kissing and holding each other while we sleep. I have been so focused on my mother's plan and how my feelings for Asteria will affect it that I have not even deeply considered the nature of my affection for Asteria. Do I love her? I cannot say for certainty just yet, but I have no intention of stopping our love affair, or whatever it is we are doing.
"Fe?" Maria asks, breaking my train of thought.
"Sorry. Perhaps I do need some more time to rest. Enough about me though. How are your duties going?" I ask.
Maria fills me in on how Alba has been praising her more often as of late, and Asteria has increased her duties while the other maids continue to have slimmed-down roles after the incident. I listen intently, happy to hear Maria is doing well.
"I am going home next week," Maria tells me suddenly.
My eyes widen.
"Not forever!" Maria exclaims, waving her hands. "Since I have been doing so well, Alba is allowing me a quick visit home to Okchester. It will have been a year since I have seen my family."
"That will be exciting for you," I say.
"What about you? Will the princess grant you any time to visit your home country?"
I shake my head. Though I see my mother and Taika more often than I would like sometimes, it has been months now since I have seen my sister. My heart pangs at the thought.
"There is not much for me to go back to," I tell Maria truthfully. "I am content staying here for the time being."
Maria frowns. "That's too bad."
I shrug. "I do not mind it. Enjoy your visit home, Maria. I will be excited to hear all about it when you get back."
Maria smiles warmly at me in response and agrees to do so, and shortly afterwards, we part ways, leaving me alone with my thoughts once more.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
After Maria has helped ready Asteria for bed in the evening, I quietly slip into her chambers. Asteria is seated on her couch, reading a book, when I enter. She looks up from me and smiles, causing my heart to leap in its chest. Though we only saw each other a short while ago at dinner, there is no denying my excitement each time I see her again. I thought the butterflies would have subsided by now, but my stomach still does hurdles every time I see her.
"Good evening," I say as I find a comfortable seat next to her on the couch.
Asteria closes her book and sets it down on the table across from her. "Good evening," she responds. She closes the gap between us almost immediately and begins kissing me. I meet her lips eagerly, and my hands find a comfortable resting place on her shoulders as we continue to kiss. Asteria's fingers curl around my waist as she pulls me closer to her, and it is only then that I am aware of how fervently she is kissing me this evening. Normally, our kisses are slow and gentle, lingering at times, especially in the morning hours, but I feel hot, as if with fever, and Asteria seems to feel similarly if the way her mouth crashes down on mine gives any indication for the way she is feeling.
Asteria's hands trace up my sides, causing me to shiver underneath her. Her lips roam across my face, kissing my cheek, jaw, ear, and eventually, my neck. A moan escapes me when she licks and nibbles my neck. I pull her tighter to me as her hands roam the expanse of my back. Her body heat engulfs mine, and she continues kissing me with newfound passion until eventually, I can feel her loosening the strands of my nightgown.
"W-Wait," I sputter, breaking free from her grasp.
Asteria pulls her hands back, alarmed. "S-Sorry," she stammers.
"It's okay," I respond quietly. "I think...I think I need some more time before we..." I cannot get the words to form on my tongue, embarrassed by their nature, but judging by Asteria's nod and the way her hands fall to her side and remain there, it is clear she understands.
"My apologies, Fe. I got caught in the moment."
I shake my head. "It's okay. I wanted to speak with you, actually."
"What about?" Asteria wonders.
"What are we? Are we lovers, or something different, or...Forgive me, Asteria. I can't find the right words. I am new to romance," I admit embarrassingly.
"I don't think there is a word to define the nature of our relationship," Asteria says. "I suppose lovers might be the closest, but I don't think that it encapsulates all that I feel for you. I care for you, most deeply, more than anyone else. That is how I feel about you. Maybe one day we will have a word to better define that." Her hand reaches out to gently cup my cheek, and I lean my head against her palm.
"I feel similarly," I say. "I am so happy with you. I do not want to lose that feeling. I only hope you'll be patient with me since I am so new to this."
Asteria leans forward to kiss me, slow and gentle this time. "Of course," she says. "That is a promise. Are you ready for bed?"
I nod and follow her to her bed, still slightly nervous and heated from our earlier kissing. Nevertheless, I crawl into bed with her, feeling her fingers thread through my hair. It is clear that neither of us are ready to sleep just yet. I think of the night before and my nightmare, and suddenly I remember the blank piece of parchment sitting on my desk in my bedroom. I bite down on my lip, then turn to look at Asteria. Guilt floods through me, but I know it is in both of our best interest. If I do not send a letter to my mother, I don't know if I can remain here.
"Asteria, can you tell me about the castle in Magewell?" I ask.
Asteria glances down at me. "The castle? Did you never have the chance to visit it when you lived there?"
I shake my head. "I only saw the outside. I'd love to hear more about it. How many rooms are there? Are there truly a massive number of guards? Where did you and your brother most often spend time?"
I am afraid Asteria will be confused by my questioning, but I have told her often about Landiani, so I suppose she must think I am curious about her home as well. Slowly, she launches into stories, sharing bits and pieces of information. I close my eyes and listen, seemingly content, but in reality, I am crafting a draft in my head for my mother with all the information she has shared. Thankfully, Asteria does not share any highly secretive information that would make me feel even more guilty, but what she gives me will hopefully be enough to appease my mother for now.
"Are you asleep, Fe?" Asteria asks quietly as her words die down.
"Just about," I murmur.
"I'll turn the light out then. Good night," she says, kissing my cheek.
"Good night," I respond groggily before curling up against her side, where sleep overtakes me once more.