What We Do In the Shadows: "The Fiendish Plot of (human) Laszlo and Nadja Cravensworth"...
Summary: Back in the regular but sort of AU universe of WWDITS, you thought the season was about Guillermo. It wasn't. (Well, in this AU anyhow.)
Part V...
"You...You're Dracula?" Guillermo stared at the elegant late-fifties-ish man in elegant overcoat smiling at him. "The guy from the books, movies, TV shows? But you're a doctor, now?"
"If you won't laugh, my boy..." smile. "It's Acura...Dr. Philippe Acura. My wife chose it, rather sporty, really." Acura smiled. "As for the fiction, mostly tales my worthless grandnephew and heir by default spewed to that Irish writer, claiming to be me, when he was hard up for cash...Though I do have to admit I rather like that Lugosi and Sir Christopher Lee's portrayals. And Frank Langella did capture some of my earnestness with the ladies. Don't mention that to my wife." Wagging finger, grin.
"And my great-whatever, ancestor was not your enemy but your friend?"
"When Abe found out I was truly seeking redemption, yes. Though fortunately the good Doctor has a brain in his head and made sure of my sincerity. Saved my wife as well." Beaming nod. "She'd've come but she had a raging headache...We're now rather but not quite mortal after our resurrection/my redemption and she actually still gets periods, PMS like I can't tell you." Shakes head. "But I'm here, at my dear Abraham's behest to see how I can help you out of this quagmire you've gone and got yourself into. As well as help our friends Laszlo and Nadja here."
"As for my current profession, a little tribute to your ancestor, my friend...But I am pleased to find I really have some skill as a heart surgeon."
"Really?" Guillermo blinks.
Dracula the heart surgeon...Has a certain logic to it.
"But I'm partly transformed." He sighed.
"Any part my counter played, truly sorry, bro." Derek noted, turning from his conversation/courting with Edith.
"No problem, it was my choice." Guillermo shrugged.
"And therein lies your problem, boy." The Ghost of Van Helsing frowned.
...
Human souled Nadja in crypt to cameras, leading them out...Sssh! Finger to lips...And shutting door carefully...
Loud squeeeaaakkk...
Followed by light squeak of coffin lid from inside...
"Darling? Anything wrong?!" from Laszlo's coffin inside crypt.
"Oh, nothing, my love! Just peeked out of my box a moment! Alls well, as you can tell by my sounding like I'm speaking through a wooden door!"
"Quite right! Good day, my darling!" Sound of lid closing.
"You too, sweetheart..." fond tone.
"He is so sweet, really...Of course it's his dear human nature seeping through..." eyeing cameras. "Imagine how wonderful he'll be when his soul is back...Oh, I really made a fine courtship choice, indeed! And, ok...It will not be too shabby to be addressed as 'Lady Nadja Cravensworth' of Wherever the estate is." Sheepish grin. "The first British-American-Antipaxosan 'lady of the county' in my family..."
"But I don't want him or my own counterpart to suffer. I do want them to find happiness...In Hell. Where demonic essences belong. While Laszlo and I fuck our brains out and maybe do some good here. We could use our powers...Oh, yes, it seems we keep some things...To help descendants of our victims, nice people, save the world from evil, that sort of crap."
She offers coy smile.
"You know...It would make a nice documentary... 'Laszlo and Nadja, Underworld Heroes'...Maybe even a TV show? Eat ya heart out, Buffy!!! Next time maybe you'll save Spike, instead of leaving him to roast!" cries, softly. "That was awful. I could never do that to Laszlo, especially if he got his soul back for me?!"
"Which is exactly what he means to do!" gleeful smile. "Though, naturally, I had to do it first." Frown... "Though he had no doll to run into..."
"And of course, restored us'd devote ourselves to helping..." Pantomining staking... "Our fellow sufferers...And I guess helping some get Redemption City." Yeah, yeah...Gotta do the atonement thing, thanks demonic halves, really. "I think the folks upstairs...Powers that Be...Whatever...Send guides to find such and help them find....Heroes." beam. "Like us. Heck, we did. Actually, let me tell you...Oh...?" her face falls a bit, just a bit miffed.
"Your other guys are talking to ghost Laszlo and crew right now, eh? So, you know about Van Helsing and Dracula and all that? Great." Sigh. Then on reflection, eager smile...
"But I can give you the whole story, from the woman's perspective..." shrewd nod, raising finger.
"I tell ya...I've been in the entertainment business, cookie and I know. This angle is gonna sell your documentary like pancakes to the starving...If they had cash."
"So, when our souls were summoned earlier..." She begins.
"I told you." Annoyance at the interruption of a question... "Nandor's soul's found happiness in the Ether with his horse."
...
"Anyway, that dark night, hovering round this our/their Residence..." Human souled Nadja continues. "Our Ghosts chained to their darker selves, lamenting their crimes. What? Oh...Like this... 'Oh, wurra, wurra, wurra, woe is us, the horror, oh the horror' that sort of thing but in Greek in my case. Yeah, a Greek chorus. Very funny." Glare.
"Anyway..." waves hand.
"Gotta tell you, it is really neat to have a full-sized human hand to wave again." She beams, shaking hand.
"...For the first time we three manifested visually and our counterparts became aware of us. And we got on surprisingly well, given they were demonic essences spawned from the Darkness. I really felt a connection with Nadja the demon essence, and the same for Laszlo. Nandor, the soul, just wanted to apologize to his horse for eating him, in his human life. He did not, I might add, apologize to me for burning my village. Though to be fair that was centuries ago. Fine."
"So...Laszlo Ghost form and I had long been in psychic communication...He wrote me such nice love poems, so lovely, so vibrantly pornographic..." rolling eyes lavishously, fond beam. "But God, were we anxious to get it on...Though we did of course get sensations from Laszlo and Nadja..."
Cut to 1800s shot of Laszlo and Nadja getting it on in English village near corpse of milkmaid...Ghosts of Nadja and Laszlo eagerly hovering, looks of ecstasy...
"Funny story there...Laszlo enthralled the milkmaid and I...I mean Nadja the demonic one...But in a way, me too...Got terribly jealous, 'cause the poor thing got all dewy over Laszlo's calling her a 'rustic goddess' or something and telling her he'd sweep her away to his country estate...That sort of crap men feed gullible women...But it only worked on me, once...Unfortunately, with a vampire...When his job was simply to obtain the night's meal. Well, I...Nadja the demonic essence...Really got steamed, listening from her bat form on hiding place. Angry as well as horny...Me, I mainly got horny...And burst in on them before he had struck."
"So, there the poor thing is, pleading for Laszlo to protect her from this hideous monster...I gotta say, it was not one of my best looks, but Nadja was also pretty pissed...And he trying to talk sense into Nadja. So, finally, he bit the girl while she was thinking he was saving her...Which, really, in a way he did. Two ways...The kid had contracted the plague and was doomed, and I...Nadja, the demonic one, was about to rip her head off. Seriously, I have seen her do it with other girls and I sure think I could...I remember I was one tough gypsy broad. And she passed out and Nadja took her share and so on, till the poor kid died. I...The hovering soul...Told her soul passing I was truly sorry, but you know...Better than plague death and much better than death by head ripping."
"So, to move along...That night our ghosts could finally see each other clearly...Very difficult to see through the eyes of your demonic hosts through the Ether, you know...And well, we already knew how we felt..." blushing bow of head, warm smile... "...But that confirmed it. We had to move this along and get our bodies back. No more waiting patiently for Judgment Day or whatever. And by the way, no, computers are not going to take over, guys. They're programmed, come on...They'll probably save our asses from us."
"So...We were ready. Ready to do whatever Redemption takes. Which we assumed meant at first lying to our counterparts. And, yeah, I did feel badly about lying to Nadja to some extent, to stay by her and live in that stupid doll and an eye out for the main chance. But, hey...No physical form, no Nadja gets some with the man of her dreams, you know? And of course, no noble Redemption and saving lives, that crap." Waves hand. "Yeah, I told ya, we are committed to that stuff...And I want to save babies and kids and all from fiends of the night, but is it so much to ask that we get something out of it? Right?"
"So, I had to lie and say I just wanted to get to know my demon half...Though to be fair to me, I really did. And, which I did not say, to send her to Hell...Which may sound harsh but it's her home turf, after all."
"Unfortunately, we knew there was no such easy solution for Laszlo. Though we did consider him possessing that awful witch's skin hat. But not a good idea, as you saw with Simon Devious."
Cut to explosion of remodeled kitchen...
Sigh. "If only he'd used his remodeling powers for good, as Laszlo says. Though you know, he is still alive Undead. Just that finished his show...Lawsuits, having to pay for reconstructive surgery on the surviving victims...Explain the disappearance of his twin...He even had to mortgage his just restored nightclub in Manhattan. Laszlo, both...Howled, of course." Coy grin.
"Naughty boys." Smile.
"Well, so Ghost Laszlo got off...Yes, yes...I know, literally as well as figuratively...I was there, in Dolly. But you gotta understand, the man was holding a lot of the sex tension for a coupla of hundred of years. This is a freer, more understanding era, right?" narrow look. "Ok, then. So he did what was necessary and stayed in the shadows whilst, in communication with our guides...Really nice fellows, Van Helsing's Ghost and Count, now Dr. Dracula...Oh and his wife and their foster daughter?...Absolute lambs. She's pregnant you know, at nearly 600/42, though in fact her living body would pass for under thirty...Don't tell Vlad, she wants to be sure everything's good and surprise him..." waving nervously.
"Yeah, the Draculas got the brass Redemption ring, in my opinion, pretty much Immortal, though not much in the 'powers'. I gather he's strong, though not Superman flying strong, and can hypnotize and contact the Other World's inhabitants...A little Dr. Doolittle ability regards wolves and other nocturnal animals, but that's it. Elisabete his wife is a terrific cook, she knows how to use the spices, I tell you...Though I have not yet tasted, just seen...Oh, oh! I have got to wrangle us an invite to dinner, she really is fantastic! And, as I said, strong and a bit psychic. Very elegant girl, she was after all, a Countess...And she got resurrected earlier to try and save Vlad, Dracula, a century or two ago as a psychic nun or something but it didn't end well. Some other vamp got her, and she got turned. Really bad, crazy turned. Not good. Though I would have done the same for my Laszlo, like that." Snaps fingers.
"Oh, my God. It is so good to do that again!" softly, waving hands for silence. Snaps again. "Oh, yeah, baby. Real, corporeal fingers again!"
"Anyway, it wasn't the same sit. Drac's soul was involved...Political/religious stuff about Byzantium in the 15th century, plus he went a bit crazy and evil dark after Elisabete was tricked into thinking him dead and offed herself. Laszlo's soul was pure and free..." beam.
"Well, relatively pure. I was no angel either."Shrug.
"Anyway, Dracula hooked up with Van Helsing after seeing what had happened to his beloved wife, fighting his demon back to redemption, and they freed her, then him. A real love story, ya know? Though I would say Laszlo's and mine's is not too shabby and certainly worth of a book or TV series. One, at least. The Dracs have had dozens. Though it's no fault of theirs..." raises hand. "They're very modest, retiring types. It was their turned idiot fop of a grandnephew who took on the role and fed those stories to that guy Stoker for some hard cash."
"And now, he, for continuing his and Elisabete's Redemptions, and Van Helsing, for Humanity and the sheer fun of it, help spirits like us who seek Redemption and want to resume our lives, do some good for Humanity, have some damned good meals, and shag like there's no tomorrow...And maybe...Well...I'm not too old." Beam. "I think we deserve a little Lord Cravensworth, who isn't a reamination of Colin Robinson crawling from his rotting corpse." Shrug. "I'm not, physically, this bod is suspended in its early thirties." Frown.
"So, now...I'm back...And we just need to find a way to get Laszlo, demonic out...And Laszlo, human spirit, in." shrewd look. "Not that I don't love them both, they're the same person in truth." Sighs. "But he belongs with demon Nadja...And ma honey belongs...In here." Points, spreading legs, coy smile.