Murdoc POV:
TW: ⚠️alcohol, Emetophobia trigger warning, semi gore(?)⚠️
After we got 2D we went on the long journey home. As much as I hate to say it I did kind of miss the little sod. I mean don't misunderstand, I don't care what happens to the little fella- he deserves some karma for leaving me to die back at that lighthouse... But I can't fully bring myself to stay angry with him, which makes me more angry! Why? I mean I guess I do enjoy some of the more.. intimate, or sentimental moments we've had.. b-but there's no use dwelling on that because if he truly had the balls to leave me to drown, then there's no way in fuck that he actually gives a shit for me. I mean I deserve to be hated by him at least, for all the shit I put him through. I know I'm no "angel" or anything (I mean obviously, I worship Satan for fucks sake). I've done some questionable things. Do I regret them? Well that's an even harder question. No, these something WRONG with these feelings. I need to make them go away, I'm not going to let 2D end up like the last thing I cared about (Cortez). I started to drown myself in alcohol, and I think Noodle is the only one who really cares. She hates it when I drink. Alcohol is one of the best things I've ever known though, it makes all your problems go away! I think my top favorites are Rum, Whiskey, and Wine (occasionally). Oh fuck, I'm startin to feel ill. I think I had too many. I went to the bathroom, leaving my room for the first time in a while, to go uh "deal with being sick" (I threw up). Hly sht.. I think.. I think stuart is here? He's talking about somethng but I cont hear him. Eventually though I was able to stop vomiting, I guess I had too much alcohol. 2D tried to help me up but I shoved him away. I'm too hungover to deal with him. I headed to my room and passed out. I think I woke up about three hours later. Noodle was in my room holding a hangover cure she made and some pain pills. I leaned up and decided to just deal with it. She usually doesn't bother be unless she needs something though, that's just sort of how we are. When one of us goes to our rooms we're to understand it's for alone time usually. Noodle is probably still in her childish habits though. I take the drink and chugged it along with some pain meds. "Uh, thanks?". She just nodded, she was always very quiet. She still hasn't left though, I guess she REALLY wants something. "Why have you been drinking so much lately?" She asked. Oh. It's about that. She always did hate when I drank, not because I hurt her or anything but because she knows how stupid I can be when I'm out of control. That's why Cortez is.. muerto.
Like I said before, I just end up destroying anything I care about. I guess that's starting to finally happen to the band members as well, I mean - IT DEFINITELY has already happened to 2D, but Noodle?.. holy fuck, if I hurt her at all I really will be proved a shitty person.. "uh.. its complicated, but why do you ask, did I do something?" I asked nervously. She shook her head. That's good at least. "Well if it's so complicated I'm not leaving until you actually explain. I promise I'm here to listen.." her tone was a bit sad at the end. How can I talk about this? What if she judges me or despises me after? We just got everyone back together too.. fuck it, it's Noodle. Nothing gets by her anyway. I sigh and decide to tell her. "Uhgg.. the reason is because of 2D, okay?! You know why.. but it's not just that.. it's something else- I..I think..I'm in love with him" I mumbled out. Noodle didn't have a trace of judgement in her. Instead she came over and hugged me, like she.. understood somehow. "Murdad, I had no idea.." She said sincerely. I almost wanted to cry but I can't show weakness, never ever: Especially not to her. "I just miss how things were before the Beach exploded.. I understand why he did what he did and I want to be angry, I'm so angry. But I fucking love him, and that makes me want to justify it all.." at this point I was completely hysterical, you could probably point and laugh at me it was so sad. "It is a very hard situation.." Noodle mumbled. I just want her to tell me what to do, because if she doesn't I'll stay at war with myself forever. "It's up to you if you want to forgive him, you definitely deserve an apology of some sort but don't bug him for one. He did it because of the way you act in the first place so, maybe to some self reflection first before trying to jump into a relationship, ok? You want to be mentally healthy before you decide to be responsible for someone and their feelings" Noodle smiles. As much as I hate what she's saying, I know she's right. I sigh "finee.. you're not going to tell Russel about this though, are you?.." I mutter. Russel despises me, I don't need him to be even more cautious of me. He treats 2D like a little brother so I KNOW if he found out about this he'd for sure kill me. Probably cut my head off with a shovel, blood everywhere. I think talking to Noodle has really helped everything at least a little though, I should be careful not to make a habit of this though. I don't want her to think she's gotta be my therapist now or anything- gross. "Well, now that I know one of your secrets, it's only fair you know one of mine, right?" She nervously tapped her fingers together. I shrugged. Actually, I don't think any of us ever ask anything of her, so she probably has the most secrets. "I'm asexual, actually. After you explaining the disgusting activity that is sex over 100 times to me in early childhood, I'm extremely sickened and horrified of it" she smiled. Wow. I am a terrible person. I mean I'm happy for her I just can't believe that I did that (I mean it is pretty like me, but still). "Uh, congratulations. We all still love you" I smiled. I mean I don't really know what to say, but I'm not at all bothered by it. I mean I'm bisexual so these sort of things aren't completely alien to me.