I was restless the whole journey back home, people probably saw me running off the train as if I was about to miss some other train after that. And I was happy to not find a seat on the subway for once, because I surely couldn't have gotten myself to sit still.
By the time I walked out of the station my brain still hadn't realized I was back in New York, but I'd never been happier to be in a city before. It felt like I'd left ages before, even if it'd only been less than a month.
I'd texted Sam to make sure she was home when I'd arrived, and I didn't even bother to go upstairs and leave my stuff before knocking on her door.
"Hi bab-" she said as she appeared in front of me, but I cut her off as I immediately dropped my suitcase and jumped into her arms to kiss her.
As soon as my lips met hers, she cupped my face in both her hands and I could tell she was smiling through the kiss. I didn't know how to explain it, but I also could tell we both felt how much the kiss was filled with need, and more desperate than any other kiss we'd ever shared.
I wrapped my arms over her shoulders and behind her neck, as if trying to make sure I was actually there with her in person. She moved her hands to my back and then further down, and unexpectedly attempted to pick me up, which I allowed, wrapping my legs around her waist.
"Hi" she chuckled, momentarily parting her lips from mine to kiss my forehead.
"Hi" I said with a giggle, kissing her again.
I didn't want that moment to end, I wanted to feel the softness of her lips on mine, her grip on my body, her floreal scent I'd missed so much, the sound of her light laughter and the sensation of her body pressed on mine forever. I could never get tired of it.
She moved to the other side of the room, still carrying me and not interrupting the kiss, until she gently leaned down to the couch, allowing me to lie on my back. But I didn't want to let go of her, so I just kept kissing her with my legs wrapped around her back as she laid on top of me.
"Hi" she repeated with another chuckle, caressing my cheeks and smiling so hard that dimples had formed on the sides of her mouth.
"Hi" I also repeated, quickly kissing her again.
"I missed you" she pecked my lips right before smothering the rest of my face with kisses, from the tip of my nose, to my forehead and my cheeks.
"Me too" I giggled, blushing at all the sudden attention. "I can't believe I'm here. I still need to process this"
"Well I'm right here, and not going anywhere" she said as she moved next to me, wrapping her arms around my waist.
"I'm all sweaty" I said, looking up to kiss her cheek.
"I don't care" she kissed the top of my head.
"Okay, then" I giggled as I somehow kicked my shoes off and curled myself closer to her, leaning my head on her shoulder.
"How was the journey?" she tucked my hair behind my ear and gently rubbed her thumb on my cheek, seemingly also not believing we were finally together again.
"It was okay. I was restless all the time because I couldn't wait to be here" I said, not able to to stop smiling.
"I've been restless all day too, couldn't sleep last night" she chuckled, gently moving my chin to peck my lips again. "You remember when we kissed for the first time here on this couch? It feels weird to think eight months have passed"
"Well, it wasn't technically our first-"
"You know what I mean" she cut me off with a chuckle. "Who would have thought that we'd be so desperate to see each other after just a few weeks of being apart a few months later"
"I did my share of daydreaming about that at the time. Not only during the day, actually" I laughed.
"Me too" she chuckled. "But you were definitely less subtle about it"
"Stop" I hit her arm.
"What? It's the truth. You just looked at me as if you've never seen a woman in your whole life all the time"
"I did not come back here to be bullied. I'll go upstairs if you go on" I jokingly pouted.
"No" she readily said, wrapping her leg around mine. "You know I'm just kidding"
"I know" I once again kissed her. "But I'll have to eventually go upstairs. I need to unpack the suitcase I just threw on the floor"
"Not now" she tightened her grip. "I want to stay here for a while. Until I'm sure you're actually here"
"Okay" I giggled. "Is everything okay with your car?"
"Yeah, I don't know what happened. It just randomly wouldn't start" she said. "I luckily didn't need it for anything important"
"Okay, I'm glad you weren't like in the middle of the road when it happened"
"Same. That would have been bad"
"I would have been scared for the people around you with how angry you would have turned"
"Oh, so you wouldn't have been worried about my wellbeing?"
"Of course" I laughed. "But like...you can be scary when angry"
"It's not as if you don't find it attractive"
"I mean...yeah" I shrugged, starting to sit back up. "I need to unpack my stuff"
"Why do you need to do it now? You've just arrived"
"I won't stop thinking about it if I don't! I'll get stressed"
"Why am I just learning that you're that kind of person now?" she laughed.
"What kind of person?" I asked, confused.
"The kind of person who needs to unpack everything as soon as they arrive back home. And probably starts packing like three days before leaving"
"I...I just don't like having the thought of needing to do something in my mind for too long" I shrugged. "And I'd rather pack in time than do everything last minute and probably forget stuff"
"Well, you're gonna have to help me in a few days before we leave for England, then"
"Why am I just learning that you're a disorganized packing kind of person?" I laughed, mimicking what she'd said moments before.
"We can compensate each other, I guess" she chuckled. "Stay here for another while. Just a while"
"Okay" I moved back to lying down right after giving her another kiss. "I am quite tired anyway"
"You must be after the journey. You need to rest" she said, probably just to convince me to stay longer, starting to run her fingers through my hair.
"Just for a while" I agreed, looking up and smiling at the sight of my girlfriend looking at me with such loving eyes. "I love you so much" I added, realizing that the constant sense of sadness I'd been feeling for weeks had vanished completely.
"I love you too. A lot" she said, kissing my forehead and letting her lips linger on my skin for a few seconds.
"You know I'm gonna fall asleep if I stay here like this a little longer?" I asked with a giggle.
"It's okay, you can sleep"
"No, I won't be tired tonight if I sleep so late in the afternoon" was the last thing I said before I snuggled next to her and most likely fell asleep not long after.
I woke up in the same position I was in earlier, but without Sam next to me.
"Shit..." I mumbled, rubbing my eyes as I looked at the time.
I walked to the kitchen just to see Sam casually cooking dinner, a sight I'd really missed.
"I thought you were just exaggerating when you said you were going to fall asleep" she chuckled once she saw me.
"I wasn't" I shrugged, walking to her so I could kiss her. "And now it's dinnertime and I still haven't unpacked"
"I missed having dinner with someone. I mean, I've been to a few business dinners with colleagues lately but it's not the same" she said.
"You'll have to wait like twenty minutes. I'm going upstairs"
"Can't you go wait?" she furrowed her brows, wrapping her arms around my waist.
"Stop encouraging procrastination! I'm not trying to disrupt my packing habits" I shook my head, trying to free myself from her grip.
"Alright" she pecked the tip of my nose. "But you're coming back here as soon as you're done"
"Of course" I nodded with a smile.
I felt like I hadn't been in my apartment in ages, partly because I'd been spending all my time at Sam's the days before leaving. But being in there gave me a strange sense of peacefulness.
Maybe I was being slightly dramatic about the whole unpacking situation because I hadn't taken that many things, knowing I had most of what I needed back home. And I kind of knew I was going to end up exploiting Sam's washing machine instead of washing my clothes by hand, but still.
So it only was about twenty minutes until I was back with Sam, having dinner together as if no time had passed since the last time.
Our conversations in the past week had mainly been centered around me, because she wanted to make sure everything was fine and I'd been able to cope, which was comprehensible. But it felt good to listen to Sam talking about what she'd been up to in the meantime, I wanted to forget whatever happened the previous week and never talk about it anymore. I could have honestly stayed there listening to her talking all night.
"What are you looking at me like that for?" she suddenly snapped me out of my thoughts.
"I'm...I'm just happy to be here with you. I missed this" I shrugged with a hint of a smile.
"Oh. Me too" she smiled back.
And we both realized something we missed even more was getting in bed together, just for me to snuggle up against her as usual.
"Sleeping here felt so fucking lonely without you" she said, leaning down to kiss me.
"I know. I've been missing being here with you a lot" I replied, kissing her back.
But the kiss unexpectedly turned out to be longer than I thought it would, Sam climbing on top of me and taking my face into her hands, gently rubbing my cheeks with her thumbs and occasionally parting her lips from mine to smile in a loving way that almost made me feel like crying.
"You're so beautiful" she said, almost whispering.
"You too" I smiled, my heart beating faster than usual for some reason.
"No, but" she went on, placing quick but soft kisses along my jawline and further down on my neck. "There's not a day that goes by without me wondering how I got so lucky"
"I know the feeling" I mumbled, closing my eyes to the feeling of her lips on my skin.
"I've spent the past few days feeling helpless at not being able to do much while you were going through stuff. I hated it" she moved back to my face's level.
"You being there for me was more than enough" I reassured her.
"I know. But I still wished I could have done more" she pecked my lips, sliding a hand under my shirt.
"You've really done more for me in the past months than anyone else in my life" I kissed her again. "I love you"
"I love you too. I really do" she repeated the same gentle motion of her thumb on my side's skin. "Can I make you feel good now that you're finally here with me?"
I just nodded with a smile, feeling like I was getting so many butterflies in my stomach that I couldn't breathe properly.
"I think you deserve to properly relax after everything that happened, don't you?" she asked, kissing me one last time before moving to my collarbone.
I once again didn't say anything, helping her pull my oversized shirt over my head, my underwear being the only piece of clothing left on me.
(mature content warning)
"I just want to make you feel good, all you have to do is sit back and relax, yeah?" she grabbed a pillow and eased it under my head. "You're so perfect" she added, placing kisses all over my chest area.
I tried to contain the sense of positive overwhelm I was feeling and the impending tears I felt were forming in my eyes, but Sam suddenly acting so tenderly and touching me as if I was something precious she wanted to protect were making it really hard.
Once she started to leave a trail of kisses along my stomach and reached the area below my navel, she searched for one of my hands and squeezed it into hers.
"You okay?" she asked as she settled between my legs, her hand still in mine.
"More than okay" I chuckled as she pressed her lips over the still covered area, causing me to gasp at the sensation. She moved the fabric to the side after making sure I was okay, and didn't waste any time in teasing me like she'd usually been doing recently.
"I've been thinking about this for days" she said, completely removing my underwear and hooking the arm that was not holding my hand behind my thigh. "You sure?"
I gave her a nod right before I felt her tongue coming into contact with my clit, jolting at the sudden pleasure. Her tongue started to slide between my folds, and then back to my clit, and I could tell she really meant what she said seconds before.
She looked as if she was almost desperate to be doing that, as if it's all she wanted to be doing in that moment. I closed my eyes as two of her fingers approached my entrance, and there was once again no teasing or talking before they slid inside of me, instantly hitting the perfect spot.
The last thing I saw before I closed my eyes from the pleasure was my girlfriend visibly smiling as her mouth kept working on my clit, and her fingers curled inside of me.
The room would usually be filled with both my loud moans and her dirty talk in moments like those, but it was different this time. Sam looked like she was enjoying every second of it, and the only sound coming out of my mouth were loud breaths, or whimpers.
"Sam..." was the only thing I was able to say after a while, as the pleasure was starting to build up and I felt my walls clenching around her fingers.
Sam squeezed my hand a little tighter as she also gathered I was close, pounding her fingers a little faster before I climaxed, arching my back and also squeezing her hand a little more.
She didn't say anything for a while, she just collected all of my juices with her tongue, still looking as if she never wanted the moment to stop. Once I was growing too sensitive she moved her mouth to my inner thighs, softly pressing kisses all over them as I caught my breath.
After minutes of concentrating in that area, she started to move back up, tenderly running her hands up my body, until she reached my face and cupped it into her hands.
"I love you" she whispered before kissing me. "I missed you so much. Sorry if I keep repeating the same stuff but it's true"
"I don't mind. I love you too" I giggled, lacing both of my hands' fingers with hers as she laid to my side, leaving us forehead to forehead.
"It's just that..." she started to say, moving a strand of my hair away from my face. "I don't think I've ever felt...so much because I missed someone. And I've never felt so relieved at finally being with them"
I didn't really know what to say to that and I could tell she wasn't done talking, so I just let her go on.
"I'd always thought I was just, I don't know, coldhearted? Careless? Selfish? That's what people told me I was anyway. I just kept hearing everyone I've been with call me that and I guess I believed them and assumed it was true. And maybe it was true, at the time. I know people's first impression of me is still that most times. But I was so convinced I was destined to be like that forever that I tried to numb every emotion as soon as I first felt it, because it wasn't for me and all my emotions hurt me. And it all scared me. But with you it's different.
I'm not scared of feeling things with you, because there's nothing to be scared about. I feel good with you, I have never felt anything I needed to numb with you. Even if you make me feel stronger things than anyone else ever has, I want to feel them, not avoid them. I would have been terrified of suddenly missing someone so much in the past, but this time I didn't mind because it just reminded me of how much I love you.
And all of this is probably freaking you out because you're just twenty years old and just started your actual life, and even though we've always known our age difference wasn't much of a deal, you probably don't want to hear someone telling you she thinks she finally found the right person and-"
"Yes I do" I cut her off, not sure on what to say after that. "It's not freaking me out. It's making me feel...good" I smiled.
"Oh, okay" she also smiled, her blue eyes lighting up. "I guess what I was trying to say is that you bring out a version of me I didn't think existed...and it's better than any version of me I've ever known"
"That makes me really happy" I pecked her lips.
"And I know I literally just made you come so it's not really an appropriate moment to get so emotional-"
"Why are you suddenly becoming me and feeling sorry for everything?" I laughed. "I'm happy you felt like sharing that. And I'm happy you feel like that. And I love you"
"I love you so much" she caressed my cheek and kissed me.