Cole's POV
Inside, I was burning. In every possible sense of the word. For days, I hadn't been able to stop thinking of that kiss at the races, and it was ruining my mood. Seeing him in my own home, rubbing something I couldn't have in my face, was more than I could bear. He looked incredible tonight; I couldn't take my eyes off his body. His thighs, his abs, his pullable hair... I couldn't take him dancing in front of me with my friends while everyone had their eyes on him. I'd heard more than a few of them utter obscenities about him, and I was surprised by how much it affected me. I was usually the first one to say stuff like that when a hot person was around, but people talking about Justin that way drove me mad.
When I'd seen him with my phone and realized what photos he was looking at, I'd felt pity for him and rage at the people who were hurting him, especially his ex-girlfriend, but that didn't mean I'd planned to take him into my dad's office and make out with him. Obviously, I'd had a few too many drinks and didn't realize what I was doing until the lights came on and I saw it all clearly. His cheeks were pink, his lips swollen from my kisses... Jesus, just thinking about it made me want to go back for more. But I couldn't, not with him. He was my stepbrother, dammit, the same person who was screwing up my entire life and had made me lose my car.
I tried to clear my head by going outside. I wanted to stay away from him. I couldn't sleep with someone who was living in my home, someone I'd have to see every day and who just happened to be the son of the woman who had taken my mother's place, a place I'd learned to forget about a long time ago.
I stayed outside until everyone started to leave. The house was a wreck, with plastic cups all over the lawn, beer bottles everywhere — a complete disaster. Frustrated, I walked to the kitchen door, where I could see the last few stragglers, among them Jenna and Logan. She was sitting on his lap, and he was kissing her neck, making her giggle.
I almost threw up in my mouth. Who'd have ever thought those two would end up that way? Logan was the same as me; he liked women (except I'm starting to question myself with Justin), parties, races, drugs... but now he'd turned into a little girl's lapdog.
Women were only good for one thing. If you let it go past that, you'd have problems. I knew what I was talking about from experience.
"Hey, bro!" Logan shouted, and I turned around. "Tomorrow there's a barbecue at Joe's. See you there?"
Barbecue at Joe's. That could only mean one thing: a party till dawn, hot chicks, and good music... but I had plans for the next day, plans six hours away that excited and depressed me in equal measure.
"I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow," I told him, making an ambivalent face he instantly understood.
"All right, man. Have fun and say hi to Daniel for me," he replied.
"I'll see you both when I get back," I said, and then crossed the house and walked upstairs to my room. There was a soft light coming from under Justin's door, and I wondered if he was awake, but then I remembered he was afraid of the dark.
Someday when things calmed down, I'd ask him about that. But for now, I just wanted to sleep. The next day would be a long one.
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My phone alarm went off at 6:30 in the morning. I groaned and turned it off, telling myself I'd need to get the lead out if I wanted to be in Atlanta by noon. I hoped a long drive would help dispel the bad mood that was lingering from the night before. I got out of bed and took a quick shower before putting on jeans and a T-shirt, remembering the hellish heat in Atlanta, which I'd hated since the first time I ever went there. Atlanta was amazing as long as you stayed in the air-conditioned hotels, but outside, no one could stand more than an hour in that heat before it got to them.
As soon as I walked past Justin's door again, the memory of the night before assailed me. As if I hadn't had enough after dreaming of him all night long!
I walked downstairs to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Prett, our cook, wouldn't get there until ten, so I had to figure out how to make a halfway decent breakfast on my own. At seven, I was in the car and ready to take off.
With the music distracting me, I tried to ignore the feeling that always overcame me when I went to go see Daniel. I still remembered the day I found out he was born. It horrified me to think that if it hadn't been for a simple coincidence, my brother and I would have never met. My life had been pretty fucked-up at the time: I wasn't living with my father, Logan and I had been roommates, and we'd been getting into hella trouble. One weekend we'd gone with some friends to Atlanta. I'd always hated Atlanta because it was where my mother lived with her new husband, Robert Grason.
It had been painful to see my mother after years, especially with a baby in her arms. I had frozen — so had she — and we'd looked at each other for a few seconds as if seeing ghosts from our past. My mother had abandoned me when I was starting to become a teen. One day I'd come out of school, and she hadn't been there to pick me up. Since then it had just been the two of us, me and Dad, no one else.
I'd always had a good relationship with my mom, and even if, when I'd grown up, Dad had hardly ever been home, it had been fine because she'd been enough. I could still remember the hole in my heart when I realized I will never see her there again.
But that sorrow had soon turned to hatred toward my mother and women in general. The only person who was supposed to love me above all else had traded me for a millionaire hotel mogul in Atlanta whose name my father had cleared after he'd been accused of fraud to the tune of tens of millions of dollars.
Dad had told me the whole story when I was old enough. My mother had never been happy with him. She'd loved me, but with every day that had passed, she'd become more and more obsessed with money. It hadn't been enough to be married to one of the most prestigious lawyers and businessmen in America — no, she'd wanted to get in the bed of that fraudster Grason. The man who'd forbidden her to see me or have any contact with my father. And when she'd agreed, that had been the end of any relationship between us.
That meant my father had gotten full custody and my mother had renounced all parental rights. When things had gotten weird was when we'd seen each other again. I had known that boy with the blonde hair and blue eyes was my brother, and even if I'd wanted to pretend I didn't care, at a certain point, I'd realized it meant something to me.
I told my father, and he had been even more surprised than me. He'd asked me what I wanted to do. If I'd wanted to get to know him or have some kind of relationship with him, he'd promised to help.
Dad and I hadn't been getting along great at the time. He'd gotten me out of jail twice, and I had been totally out of pocket. The pretext of helping me with Daniel had gotten him what he wanted: to keep me on a short leash.
After a year struggle with lawyers, the judge had finally given me permission to see my brother twice a week, as long as I had him home by seven. Mom and I had no contact whatsoever — it was a social worker who brought Daniel to me so I could pick him up and spend time with him. Because of the distance, I didn't get to see him often, but at least twice a month, I'd take him out and enjoy the company of the only person I will ever open my heart to.
That meant I had to give up the life I'd known before then. I had to go back home, and promise not to get wrapped up in any more problems. My father was unequivocal: if I screwed up, no more visits with Daniel.
Mom and I didn't see each other after the trial, but it was impossible to act like she didn't exist. My brother talked about her all the time and told her things about me. That was the worst thing because it meant I could never really break off the relationship. The pain would always be there, hidden deep in my soul. In the end, she'd always be my mom.
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Six hours later, I stopped at the park where my brother always waited for me with the social worker. I made sure the present I had for him was visible in the passenger seat, and I got out, walking toward the fountain in the middle of the park, where there were kids running around and playing. I'd never been a fan of little kids, and I still hated how they were so whiny and needy, but one of those whiny, needy little kids had captured my heart.
I couldn't help smiling when I saw his little blonde head from behind. Just then he was bending over the fountain, not in the least afraid of falling in.
"Hey, Dani!" I shouted, getting his attention and watching his eyes swell as he saw me there, ten feet away. "You thinking of taking a dip?" I asked. A huge grin crossed his angel face, and he ran over to me.
"Cole!" he shrieked as he reached me. I bent over and lifted him in the air. His short hair blowing in the wind, and his blue eyes, just like mine, gazed at me with full excitement. "You came!" he wrapped his little arms around my neck.
I hugged him tight. That little boy had my whole heart in his hands.
"Of course I came, it's not every day a little boy turns five years old. What do you expect?" I set him on the ground and placed a palm on top of his head. "You're huge! How much have you grown? At least thirty or forty feet!" I said, seeing the pride on his face.
"More than that, more like a hundwed twenty!" he said, hopping up and down.
"Soon you'll even be taller than me and I'll be jealous," I said as the tall, tubby woman with the folder under her arm came over.
"What's up, Anne?" I asked the woman overseeing my visits with my little brother.
"Getting by," she said in her usual tiredness tone. "I have tons of work today, so I'd be appreciative if you'd bring your brother back on time, not a minute earlier or later, okay, Cole? We don't want a repeat of last time, do we?"
Last time, my brother had cried so much when I'd told him I had to go that I'd ended up an hour and a half late to my appointment with Anne. All hell had broken loose: she'd called the cops, Social Services and I'd almost lost my right to even see Daniel.
"Relax, I'll be here at seven," I said to her, picking up Daniel and taking him to my car.
"You know what, Cole?" he said, running his fingers through my hair. Since he'd been old enough to do it, his favorite pastime had been messing up my hair.
"What?" I asked. Despite our joking earlier, my brother was smaller than normal for his age. He suffered from type 1 diabetes. His pancreas didn't produce any insulin. For two years, he'd had to take shots three times a day, and we'd had to be very careful about what he ate. It was a common disease, but that didn't mean it wasn't dangerous. Daniel had to keep a blood sugar monitor on him at all times, and if his glucose levels got out of whack, we had to give him shots or food.
"Mom said I can eat a hamburger today," he replied with a radiant smile.
I frowned at him. My brother didn't lie, but I didn't want to take the risk of letting him eat something that would make him feel sick. And I definitely wasn't going to call his mom to find out if he was telling the truth. Contacts like that had to go through Anne, and she hadn't said anything to me.
"Dani, Anne didn't tell me anything about that," I said as I put him in the driver's side. He opened his eyes wide and stared at me.
"But Mama said I could," he insisted. "She said it's my birthday and I can go to McDonald's."
I sighed. I didn't want to force my brother to miss out on something all little kids like. I hated that he couldn't just enjoy a normal life. I'd had to give him injections in the stomach, and I hated the bruises that the continual injections left on his pale skin.
"Fine, I'll call Anne and see what she says." I told him, opening the trunk of the car and taking out the car seat.
"Cole, will you play with me today?" He asked.
It was evident to me that the caretakers who were raising my brother didn't like to play the games he liked. My mother was never home; she was always off traveling with her dickhead husband, and my brother spent too much time with people who didn't love him as he deserved.
"Speaking of playing, I've got a present for you," I said as I adjusted the seat. I stretched out to grab the round package wrapped in shiny paper with a big bow that the sales attendant at the store had wrapped for me.
"Yay!" he shouted, jumping up and down.
With a smile, I handed the gift to him. Its contents couldn't have been more obvious.
He ripped off the paper like an animal, revealing the grey-colored soccer ball.
"Ooh," he said. "I love it, Cole! It's my favorite color. Mom never lets me play soccer, but I can play with you, right?" He shouted, almost bursting my ear drums.
What can I say? My brother loved soccer, way more than any of those crappy football his parents wouldn't stop buying him.
I looked at his green soccer shirt, his black-leather shoes, and yellow shorts.
"Who dressed you? None of these clothes match," I asked, picking him up again. He was light as a feather; he probably weighed less than the ball I'd just given him. He was like my mother in that way, and just looking at Daniel always gave me an ache in my chest. He was a consolation in a way for losing my mother when I was so young. The only ways he resembled me were his bright blue eyes and his dark lashes. He even had my mother's dimples!
Dani gave me a sour look — a look he clearly learned from me.
"Miss Lillian wouldn't let me put on my soccer uniform. I told her you and me played together, and she chewed me out and said I shouldn't be doing exercise because I'll get sick, but it's not true, I can play with you as long as I've had my shot. You know that. We can play, right, Cole, can't we, can't we?"
"Easy, kiddo, of course we can play, and you can tell Lillian that when I'm here, we'll play whatever we want, got it? I'll get you some clothes so we can do it without messing up yours." I kissed him on his head and strapped him into the seat. He wouldn't stay still; he kept toying with the ball, and it was several seconds before I finally had him snug and could return to the driver's seat.
I called Anne along the way and asked about the hamburger, and she said yes, McDonald's was fine. Once that problem was resolved, I talked to Daniel while I drove to my favorite McDonald's in Atlanta. Before I got him out, I grabbed his backpack with the injection he had to take every day at the same hour before lunch.
"Ready?" I asked him, and lifted his shirt, pinching a bit of skin under his belly button and bringing the needle close to his translucent skin.
His eyes always watered, but he never complained. My brother was brave, and I hated him having that disease. If I could have it, I would have had it in his place without a second hesitation, but life was like that: unfair.
"Yeah," he whispered.
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Ten minutes later, we were eating, surrounded by lots of laughter and people with screaming children.
"Is it good?" I asked, watching him get ketchup all over his face.
He nodded. It was nice to see his eating.
"You know what, Cole? Soon I'll be going to school," he said, stuffing his mouth full of fries.
"Mom said it'll be lots of fun and I'll meet tons of new kids. Mom says when you started school you used to get in fights with boys because you were flirting with their girlfriends."
I tried to conceal my anger at knowing my mother was talking about me as if she'd been there for me, a good mother and not one who had left me when I'd needed her the most.
"That's true, but that won't happen to you because you're way more fun to hangout with" I said, taking a sip of my Dr Pepper.
"I'm never going to have a girlfriend," he affirmed, and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Are you in a relationship, Cole?"
For no apparent reason, Justin's face appeared in my mind. I wasn't in a relationship, but I would like to do things with him if we were in a relationship. GOD — what was I thinking?
"No, I'm not in a relationship," I said. "You're the only person for me." I bent over and started messing with his hair like he did mine earlier.
Daniel smiled, and we went on talking. It was fun to chat with him. I felt relaxed, more like myself. Strangely, being with a five-year-old boy brought me more inner peace than being with anyone. After lunch, I took him for a drive around Atlanta, I bought his a complete an all gray soccer uniform, cleats included. The rest of the day flew by, and before I knew it, I had ten minutes until Anne would come pick him up. We were already at the park, where we'd been kicking the ball for half an hour. I knew this next part would be hard.
My brother wasn't good at goodbyes. He didn't understand why I had to go or why I couldn't live with him the way his friends' brothers and sisters did. He was a mess, and anytime we separated, I was left with horrible sorrow and an unbearable urge to take him with me.
"Listen, Dani, soon Anne's going to be here," I said, sitting him on my lap. We were stretched out on the grass, and he was running his hands through my hair again. But when I said that, he stopped, and his lower lip started to tremble, just as I had feared.
"Why do you have to go?" he asked with glassy eyes, and the pain struck to the depths of my heart.
"Hey, don't cry," I said. "We always have such fun when I come here. If I lived here all the time, you'd get bored of me." I wiped his tears away with a finger.
"I wouldn't get bored," he said, heaving slightly. "You love me, you play with me, and you let me do fun stuff. Mom won't let me do almost anything."
"Mom's just worried about you. Anyway, I promise you I'll come more often." As I told him this, I swore to myself I really would. "How about I try to be here when you start school?"
His eyes lit up.
"But Mom will be there."
"Don't you worry about that," I said, calming him down, just as I saw Anne walking up the cobblestone trail.
I got up with Dani in my arms, and he turned around and saw the social worker.
"Don't go!" he screamed, crying and hiding his head against my neck.
"Come on, Daniel, don't cry," I said, trying to keep my own feelings under control as well. "It's okay." I hated seeing him like that. I rubbed his back, trying to console him.
"No! Stay with me!" he begged. My T-shirt was wet with his tears. By then we had reached Anne, who stretched out her arms to take Dani away from me. But I stepped back. I wasn't ready to let him go.
"If you stop crying, I'll bring you a very special present next time. What do you say?" I proposed, but he just went on howling with his arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I struggled to get free of him; he was clinging with all his might.
"I'm sorry Cole, but it's time," Anne said calmly.
I liked her, she should've been Daniel's mother.
"Dani, you've got to go," I said, trying to calm him down. Only after a minute did I pull hard enough to get him off me, and I saw his face streaked with tears.
Anna took him in her arms, and he reached out, shouting my name.
"See you next time, drive safely, Cole," Anne said, carrying him away. I wanted to grab Dani from her and take him far away, where I could care for him and give him the love I knew he needed.
"I love you, see you soon," I said, walking over to kiss him on the head and then turning around and not looking back. My brother's wails were the only thing I could think of during the six hours it took me to drive back to Palm Beach.