a/n: so i did not lie when i said college was gonna beat my ass. um. apologies for taking so long to update! also i started watching lost and sawyer is soo ... like hey wifey !!
qotc: fav game? (mine is overwatch and hades!)
sotc: abstract (psychopomp) by hozier
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the trickling of rain beats down against ajax's apartment window as the smell of mixed spices and meat fills the apartment as the man mixes a concoction of meat, spices, and vegetables as he watches haruki sleep soundly on his cheap couch. the boy twists and turns as he lays under a dark quilt his mother had given him. haruki had never slept well by himself and ajax didn't know if that was because of his general sleep issues or because of his uncomfortability in his own home. either way ajax didn't mind and enjoyed the boy's company.
the news plays quietly in the background and ajax knows he should be focusing on something else but he can't. he's tried so hard to watch any other sort of television program- sports, scripted shows, game shows, everything. and everytime he watched something his mind always drifted back to kazuha and his possible state.
kazuha- he was so young. he is young, he was the youngest of his friends. he was barely fifteen. he would help ajax no matter what even if sometimes kazuha did annoy him with how happy he was at all times no matter what but now, he needed it so fucking bad. he needed kazuha to tell him it was okay and tell him some random facts about nature that he had somehow always found a way to integrate into conversation. but he wasn't. he wasn't here and it fucking sucked.
ajax's eyes darted to a stack of paper on his coffee table across from the television. ajax sighs as he stirs the pot absentmindedly, he couldn't help but think of it as ayato and heizou and come up with possible reasons as to why he was taken or even how he was taken. ajax feels as if he should be really offended but he wasn't. he couldn't possibly be when they were the only two attempting to help them. sure, heizou's ideas tended to go in a horrific and terrifying way but he preferred that over ayato's weird conspiracies that didn't really help.
it was nearly a month since kazuha had gone missing. no news, no new evidence, nothing. all they can do is pray and hope now.
ajax turns the stove off with a soft click to it as he puts a cover over the small pot and heads to sit on the couch across from the television. ajax sighs as he scoots haru's socked feet away from the edge of the couch as he sits down and sets haru's feet across his lap. the boy still slept soundly through the night with the loud thunderstorms booming across the small city. the light from the television reflects off of it onto the table and haru's own pale skin. the blue light of the television nearly blends in with the yellowing bruises on haruki's face- the old ones had nearly faded but as always, people found a way to mess with it.
the news keeps on playing with a lively brunette man making jokes about how they'll have continuous rain for nearly the whole week. ajax sighs, he's never very fond of the rain due to how just depressing it felt. the news station quickly changes scenes to a woman with short black hair that stares at the camera with such round lively eyes that it nearly makes ajax smile at the sight of her. the woman speaks brightly about god knows what she had been assigned to speak of- it's many stories about recent news of politics, schools, and nature. they typically speak of kazuha so it's very odd when she does not utter a word of the boy.
her voice lowers as the information changes behind her and the scene changes color and a picture of kazuha is shown beside her. ajax pauses- this felt off. something was wrong.
she purses her lips as she speaks, "a break has been found in the case of the missing fifteen year old student, kazuha kaedehara."
ajax stares at the screen full of nervousness as she explains how and when he disappeared- information he knew very well. ajax's eyes dart to haruki who was still fast asleep on his couch. he was tempted to wake the boy up but he wouldn't. just in case they came out with the worst news possible.
"a letter was found from the young boy near his home." she says and ajax's brows furrow, a letter? a letter is the only new evidence that they've found? everything was so ridiculous at this point.
the woman continues on, "the letter was found crumpled with the boy's own dried blood and dna belonging not to him but someone who the police think are his captor."
ajax is so tempted to cheer because hey, it's done- it's over! but ajax can't help but feel as if that's not right because really? a letter that someone had let kazuha send is what catches them? why would they even let him if they wanted to keep him for as long as possible?
the woman purses her lips, "the police are working on identifying them as we speak. we will update you as this case unfolds."
the rain trickles down slowly as the lights in the apartment flicker as all ajax can do is stare at the television screen blankly as the newscaster changes her mood quickly, moving onto another fun and not as depressing topic.
sudden ringing of his phone wakes ajax out of his thoughts as he moves to the phone quickly, hoping haru wouldn't wake up from it.
ajax picks up the phone, pressing it to his ear and before he can even greet the other person on the line they speak, "did you see the news?"
ajax nods, "i did. do you think they'll actually find him and whoever, you know?"
he can hear ayato sigh on the other line, "no. no, i don't think so. the letter, it's not enough."
ajax furrows his brows, "you've seen it? the letter?"
ajax swears he can hear ayato purse his lips on the other line, "yeah. i- yes, i have."
"really?" ajax asks as he continues, "do you think... you could maybe-"
"ajax." ayato says firmly, "i could. but i don't want you to see it. it's horrible."
"ayato-" ajax says but before he can even continue he can hear ayato sniffling.
"ajax, you know that if we get kazuha back, he won't be the same?" ayato asks, "do you know that?"
ajax is quiet. he knows that. he knows that kazuha won't be the same happy-go-lucky and fun to be around boy that he always was if kazuha came back. he's afraid to think about what could have changed about him. he's not even sure if kazuha will be the same person.
"i do." ajax whispers.
"do you?" ayato asks, "even this small letter, he's changed so much. this doesn't even sound like kazuha."
"what... what does he say?" ajax utters out and he's scared of the silence on ayato's line. all he can hear is soft sniffling and cars in the distance before ayato speaks.
"are you sure?" ajax makes a noise of confirmation, "i don't remember it all but he said everytime he touches me i hope that this is the moment that he kills me. he's not well."
it's silent. ajax doesn't know what to respond to him with- ajax can't respond to him especially with this new information. he can hear ayato take a shaky breath as nobody speaks. ajax feels as if he can't utter a word.
"do the cops know who-" ajax begins only for ayato to promptly cut him off.
"no, not at all. they hardly have anything- their suspect list is quite honestly, laughable." ayato chuckles dryly.
"who?"
ayato sighs on the other line, "one of them is kazuha's own father."
his father? ajax has seen him around a few times before the whole incident and he seemed like a nice man. he would always help around the community with kazuha. he would smile so widely that it seemed as if he were the sun itself. but as of late it had seemed like a light switch had just turned off, making him and the whole world dark around him. it made sense to ajax- somebody had taken his son, there was no way he could live without what was practically his whole world.
"they're also thinking it's haruki."
ajax is silent. of course, it makes sense- he was the last person to see him. haruki could never do such a thing, well, as far as he knows. he tries not to suspect him but it's so easy to with how he was the last person to see him and just how he acts over-all.
"you know that's not true." ajax whispers in the case that haruki could have woken up and be listening to his phone call.
ayato doesn't speak for a moment. he can hear the soft clinking of dishes in the background and some tv show on with recorded laughter playing.
"i don't know that." ayato says simply and ajax frowns, furrowing his brows.
"are you serious?" ajax breathes out. ayato had probably hear his quiet anger on the other line, despite how hard ajax tried to keep it under control. "haruki has done nothing and even despite that, you all want to believe it's him."
"it's nothing against him."
"no, it very much is! he's trying so hard to help and yet you still believe that he may be the one who took him!" ajax can't control his volume as he practically shouts at ayato.
"i'm sorry." ayato apologizes and all ajax can do is furrow his brows as he stays on the phone.
"what are you sorry for?" ajax says exasperated, "you haven't done anything. you're just- i don't know, but-"
"i wasn't talking about this." ayato cuts him off abruptly, "you know what i mean. i was a child- a rude child, but still one. i shouldn't have done that to you."
"now really isn't the right time to apologize, you know that?"
ayato nods but he realizes the other cannot see him, "... right. i should have realized that."
ajax nods and he knows that ayato can tell as ayato continues speaking, softer this time.
"i miss you."
ajax pauses. he doesn't understand what he's saying but he does- he doesn't want anything to happen with him again. he can't hurt again like he did when he was a child.
his couch creaks softly as haruki yawns, rubbing his eyes as he wakes.
"i have to go." ajax says and ayato makes a noise of confirmation as they quickly say their goodbyes.
haru's hair is sticking up in every corner as he stretches, some of his bones popping as he removes the quilt from his body. he's still slowly waking up and ajax knows he can't possibly break the news that a letter from kazuha has been found and the fact that he's a suspect for it.
"how long was i out for?" haru mumbles as he rubs his cheek.
ajax sighs, counting the hours out in his head as he looked up at the apartment ceiling, "maybe... sixteen-ish hours, maybe?"
"jesus," haru yawns, "has my mom called yet?"
haru gets up from the couch as ajax begins to speak, sluggishly walking on the cold hardwood floors.
"just yae but that was so i could tell her that you were sleeping over. nothing from ei."
haru chuckles softly, "i'd be shocked if she did call."
as haru moves to the bathroom and shuts it, ajax calls out to him, "there's food on the stove. it's lunch because of the time but still food."
the toilet flushes loudly and he can hear the rush of water from the faucet in the bathroom.
"thank you." haru says as he opens the bathroom door to walk to the kitchen, "any news?"
ajax is quiet as he stands still, listening to the clinking of utensils.
"nothing?" haru asks as he pours some of the stew into his bowl, steam rising from the pot that was opened.
"uh, they found a letter from kazuha."
"really?" haru says, his mouth almost perked up into a grin- ajax hasn't seen him smile like that, well, since kazuha went missing. he can't possibly tell him what else they found. he doesn't wish to see his happiness disappear so quickly.
"yeah." ajax nods, "i don't know if we'll be able to read it or anything but-"
"no, that's fine!" haru grins, nearly laughing from his happiness at the news, "it's great! i'm just glad that, you know, there's a sign he's still alive."
ajax nods, "me too."
ajax drops haru off at his home a few hours later. the wind blows through his dark purple strands as he unlocks the door. he opens the creaky door to step inside and shuffle his shoes off as quietly as he can.
"where were you?" ei cold voice cuts through the silence. papers are scattered all over their dining room table where she sat. newspapers, work papers, multiple journals, and even something that looked like haru's own files were scattered around the table. yae was usually around when she worked on things, always wanting to help her even if ei didn't ask for it.
"where's yae?" haru asks, looking around the living room, expecting her to maybe be cooking or anything else.
"out." she answers simply, "now answer my question."
"i was at ajax's apartment. i fell asleep by accident, sorry." haru shrugs it off, yae usually understands that sort of thing, knowing how comfortable he gets with the other boy so easily.
"is that so?" ei asks quietly, she hasn't once glanced up from her papers. her thin glasses frames perch on the bridge of her nose as she scratches something out on the paper with a black pen that is held between her fingers, her dark acrylic nails scratching at the grip of it, rubbing against the textured rubber.
haru nods, "yes? ajax had told yae about it so i assumed that she had told you."
ei nods slowly, he isn't sure what she's thinking. his mother is always so cold and he can never tell her thoughts even if he tried.
a beat of silence passes before ei purses her lips and removes her glasses to look at haruki. her eyes are tired but that's how they always are, she is always so busy with not a minute to spare for him.
"i don't want you staying at that boy's house anymore."
haru pauses, "what? ajax hasn't even done shit! you're always so ridiculous." he can't believe her, really. the one and only time that yae forgets to mention that he was staying over at ajax's house is the time that ei gets apparently so upset that she just wants him to stop staying there permanently.
"it's not about him. it's about you." ei speaks smoothly, "what did you do to that boy, haru?"
"... what?" haru nearly whispers. he's in shock of what his mother thinks of him. it's one thing for nearly every kid in his school to think that he hurt kazuha in some way and that he's responsible for everything that happened to him, but his own mother? that was low.
"answer me, haruki." she says cautiously, "i cannot help you if you do not tell me."
"i didn't do anything." haru shakes his head but the way ei stares at him is as if she knows deep down he did. he can feel a knot in his throat that he wants to push down so desperately but it feels as if the more he talks the more it comes up. "i need you to look at me."
"i am."
"mom," the word trembles in haru's mouth as he spits it out, "i need you to really look at me. please don't act like this. please."
he's practically begging for her to not believe anything that some of the mothers gossip about around her or even something that some high teenager says as they pass her wherever she goes.
she still stares at him with those dark charcoal eyes that they both shared, "did you do it? the cops are telling me that you did."
"the..." the second word dies in his mouth as he stares in disbelief. they just wanted haru to admit it so they could lock someone, anyone up and close up the case. they didn't truly care for what happened to kazuha or what would happen to him. "you don't believe me." haru realizes. of course she doesn't. all she has ever done was be patronizing to him or humiliate him. she had never wanted to help him.
"i didn't say that." ei says.
"you didn't need to." haru says as he eyes her up, staring at her like she was a monster. but so is he, he comes from her blood after all.
"jesus, haru." ei sighs, exasperated, "just say it and we can get this whole situation over with. don't you get it?"
"i get it. i really do." haru says shakily, "it's just not true."
ei gets up from her seat at the dining table and haru can't feel any emotion but to run from his home and never look back. he doesn't like this feeling of dread as he waits for her next words.
"i have sacrificed everything for you." she says sternly as she looks deep into haruki's glassy charcoal eyes that look like a puddle of ink. haruki stares at her with such saddened eyes that she can almost feel her cold heart crack at the sight of it, almost. he can feel himself begging for her to gain some sense in this very moment but he knows that she will not. she is stuck in her ways.
"everytime i look at you, i see myself." ei murmurs, haru doesn't know whether she means to speak to him or herself, "and it breaks my heart to not see you take advantage of all the things i have given you so i am asking you to do this for once in your life."
"you've never given me anything i wanted." haru says, "and i've never wanted anything more than for you to love me."
ei scoffs and they do not speak. nobody can say anything, all they can do is stare at each other in silence. they share the same dark purple strands, the same charcoal eyes, the same beauty marks, the same anger and loneliness that eats them up inside. no matter how hard they try, they cannot let the anger and loneliness go- no matter how hard they would pray for it to leave. pray for the rage that is laced in their blood and the loneliness that follows them like a ghost. but if they left, who would they have? even if the anger and loneliness left all haru and ei would have is each other. they would have nobody despite being right next to each other.
only then does haru realize: there is something wrong with you that is also wrong with me.