But I hear the music, I feel the beat.
And for a moment, when I'm dancing, I am free.
~)(~
Whenever I thought of the Summer Court, I thought of warm beaches and clear sky. This was definitely not something I expected. It was raining. Pouring rain with thunder and lightning above us.
The trees rustled with the gentle gushes of wind that came as the earth breathed through each strike of light. Tiny rivers of water traveled over the ground across an invisible path that cut through the dry dirt.
I could hear each plop of water that collected on the branches and splashed against the ferns. Each bird cry as they tried navigating the cold and wet. And every rabbit and fox that hunkered down between the roots and earth to watch the light skip across the sky.
Each vein of electricity was a flash. They jumped through the clouds, scattering in millions of jagged lines. With each strike, there was the banging crack of thunder. Which would bounce off the mountains and trees, would seem to shake the ground beneath us.
Even as days and nights rolled over, the rain still came. The grey clouds still filled the sky above. All I could feel was that electric tingle before each strike of lightning. There was nothing else. Just the absolute silence that the rain brought.
"Why do they call this place the Half Moon?" I asked once we entered the stables. Rain seeped through the ceiling and collected in metal buckets around us.
It was Jurian who said, "that's why—notice anything about those mountains?" He pointed to the large peaks in the distance. They circled most of the city, and their tops eroded to reveal white stones.
I shook my head. "It's just a bunch of rocks."
Jurian laughed. "Not just any. Two reasons it's called the Half Moon. The first, from above, it's shaped like the moon—and its white peaks make it look even more similar. Second, once a year—the stones atop the mountains glow in the moonlight."
"They... glow?"
"It happens at the same time as Starfall," Azriel said from behind me. He wasn't looking at us, and instead occupied himself with removing his horse's saddle. Why he even needed a steed was a mystery never to be solved.
He finally waked over to us and peaked out the window. "An ancient temple is up there—ruins now. Once a year, the whole thing turns blue."
I couldn't help but laugh at the idea of a blue mountain. "Any reason why?"
Jurian shrugged his shoulders. "Magic. Anything without an obvious explanation is always magic."
"Ah, so you must be magical," I said, raising a brow at him before walking away. He started grumbling up a few responses, but couldn't just choose one.
I pulled up my hood and followed everyone into a nearby bar that was packed with loud music and dancing. There was laughter and singing along to songs I never heard before. People played drinking games and told stories to each other, hoping to impress.
I really wanted to enjoy it with them, but found myself detached. I didn't know why.
Something occupied my mind. I didn't even know what it was. Just something. Something that related to another thing that I didn't want to think about. Almost two months. Two months since I set sail for Prythian.
And it had been a month since I left that camp. Since that night when I couldn't stomach the idea Lord Beron proposed. The night I found an enslaved girl and didn't even think before I helped her escape.
I looked across the room and found the shadowsinger watching me from the opposite end. For a moment, I had to wonder if he was thinking the same thing as me. Almost two months... it didn't feel like it.
Maybe that was just because it was something so... so intense. It wasn't at the time—but the more I let it sit with me, the more I realized just how heavy it was. I left. I wasn't the same princess as a month ago—I don't even think I could call myself one anymore. Not if I didn't feel like one.
Who was I, then?
I couldn't stomach this loud bar anymore. Couldn't watch the smiling faces and laughter without feeling my heart sink deeper beneath the floorboards. I wanted out. Wanted to get out and run. Just run. As far as I could.
But I couldn't. I was stuck on the ground, my feathers trimmed so they could use me as a show. My uncles doing, and now it followed me everywhere I went. I bit down on the inside of my bottom lip and drew blood. What was I even thinking? I needed to get out of my own head for once.
The wind brushed my face with stray water from the light rainfall that came onto the patio. I pulled up my hood in case it got worse, but it didn't look like it was. The lightning was now far away, the thunder even farther. Whatever storm we found when arriving here was now leaving.
I leaned over the railing and looked down at the small stream that ran across and into the forest. From the looks of it, most of the year that brook was dry. I looked up at the mountains in front of me. The rocks looked like snow from down here, and all those tall trees reminded me of prickly fur.
I grumbled a sigh and dropped my head into my hands to rub my temples. If only I could take control of my mind and force it to do as I wished. That would make my life so much easier. But alas, I couldn't. I couldn't do much of anything.
It was funny, really. I was a princess—I was the crown princess. I outranked my own cousins. And yet, I didn't have control over anything. You'd think that I'd have all the power over people simply because of my status, but I didn't. Not here. Here I was simply another female High Fae.
I couldn't decide if I liked it better or hated it more. I wasn't used to having no power. It was like a slap to the face that left me in total shock. But I also liked it? Somehow? I thought it was fun—fun to not know what will happen next, to not feel like everything was superficial.
I rested my head on a hand, my elbow digging into the metal railing. Mother above, it was all so confusing. I let out a long sigh that brought steam to my face from how cold it was.
"What are you doing out here?" A voice asked from behind me. I turned around and leaned my back against the railing.
"I'm thinking," I said to Azriel, who stood a few feet away from me. The wind rustled his hair, which fell into his eyes.
He raised a brow. "About what?"
I tried to hide my tired eyes with a small smile. "I'm just thinking about life."
He walked over and leaned on the railing beside me. I could feel the warmth emanating off his skin. Like a walking furnace. It was nice.
"Do you need someone to talk to?" He asked.
I took a deep breath, brows knit. "I thought you didn't enjoy talking to me?"
"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't."
"You're... very confusing."
He chuckled. "Should I apologize for it?"
I shook my head. "Apologies are important, and should be used only when necessary. That way, they actually mean something."
He nodded and looked around the empty patio. "So, what's on your mind that's keeping you from enjoying the party?"
"I've... I've been gone for two months now—since I left Hybern. It doesn't feel that long."
"Time is strange, doesn't always act how you want it to," he said, smiling softly when I looked up at him.
I shrugged my shoulders. "It's all kind of hitting me now, all that I did. I wonder if my uncle will come looking to save me or kill me."
"What would you prefer?"
I huffed a laugh. "Both sound terrible."
There wasn't much of a difference between them saving me and hunting me. It would feel all the same. Right now, I was free. If I went back, I was just returning to a cramped cage where I could be watched. Just the thought of that made my throat dry. I hated the idea of it.
I dropped my head in my hands and shuddered a breath, saying, "do you... do you ever think about how—how unfair this all is?"
I could almost hear him thinking as he took a deep breath and moved to lean on the railing beside me. "More often than I should."
I blinked hard and fast to keep myself composed. "Sometimes I have to wonder if we just... if people like us are just born to suffer. Just made to take all the pain from other people, so the lucky few live as happily as all those people inside. I just... I wish I didn't have to feel this—this thing."
"Would you rather pass it on to someone else?"
I shook my head. "I wish it just disappeared. That it was all... spread even instead of clumped up. No one should feel this much... what kind of god takes away people's childhoods?"
Azriel took another breath, his wings rising as he tucked them closer to himself. He stood a little straighter and looked up, and I couldn't help but stare at him—at how the moonlight made his skin glisten.
"I think... only a real god would do that."
"Then maybe the Mother shouldn't exist," I mumbled.
He tilted his head. "Even if it wasn't the Mother, it's just... how things are. We can't change it. There will always be some imperfection in life. That's just how the world keeps from tipping over."
"For once, I think you've become the more optimistic one," I said, smiling slightly as I tried to lighten the mood.
Azriel chuckled. "Just about that one thing. I have to have a better outlook on that, otherwise it makes life feel... meaningless. If it was all horrible, and if these things given by gods are always cruel, then what is the point? What is the point of everything if there isn't something to believe in?"
"you believe in..." I didn't finish the question.
"Hope," he said simply.
I couldn't help but smile at his answer. Something about it was so... so opposite everything I tried to make myself. For a time, I wanted to hope—desperately wanted to hope. And it was surprising that I could understand his reasoning, because I held that same reasoning once.
Something happened though—I wasn't sure what—but it was probably just a slow adding of small, almost invisible things. Whatever it was broke any trust I had in hope. And for so long after, I did whatever I could to keep myself from feeling that childlike hope.
I never realized how fast that thought was eating me. It was hollowing me like a black hole. Slowly gnawing at my bones, drinking my blood, making me sick with numbness and the desire for it to consume more—more—more.
Azriel looked away for a moment and then said, "Rhysand asked about you. He's upset that you didn't greet him."
"I got distracted," I said quickly, voice dipping low as I dropped my head.
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "I have something to apologize for, though."
I raised a brow in question. "I don't think you've done anything wrong."
"I'm sorry you had to deal with me a week ago."
I tried not to show any surprise at his words. For him to think that he needed to apologize for that—it made my heart hurt. I pushed off the railing and took a few steps so I was standing in front of him. "Don't apologize. You did nothing wrong."
"No, but you still shouldn't have dealt with it." He dropped his head.
I crossed my arms. "Azriel, there's nothing wrong with it. I don't want an apology, not when I don't think I even need one."
"Right, then forget I said anything." He avoided looking at me as he pushed off the railing and started walking back to the entrance.
Against my better judgment, I reached out and grabbed his arm. He looked at my face, then my hand, then back up to my face. I didn't know what to do now that I got his attention back.
I let go of him and said, "I don't think you should feel like those kinds of things are supposed to be handled alone. You should ask for help."
"You sound like Rhysand," he bit. It made me blink back in surprise.
"Well, he's right. Bottling it all up isn't going to do you any good."
"My father said it makes a tough soul," he said, voice cold with a sharpness to it.
I knew I shouldn't challenge further, but I would not let this go. "Your father doesn't sound like someone I'd get along with."
"He wasn't," Azriel said bluntly.
The stab of his words made me take a step back. Damit. I should've stopped talking when I had the chance to keep this from getting worse. I tried to save it.
"I'm sorry," I said.
He shook his head, avoiding eye contact. "Don't be. He was a wicked man. I—I'm going to find Rhys. Goodnight."
I watched him walk back into the bar and disappear into the crowd. I turned back around on a heel and smacked the side of my head. Idiot. I couldn't stop causing problems and ruining already strained relationships.
It was probably no fault of mine, though. I was new to this entire world. I didn't know how to make friends, how to communicate properly. All I was used to was having people constantly agree with me because they were afraid that if I got angry, my uncle would have them killed.
I leaned against the railing and tapped a finger on the metal. It was just... learning by doing. I needed to look at all the mistakes I made and make sure to never let them happen again. It would be easy... right?
I looked back at the entrance and saw Rhysand talking with Jurian and Miryam. It looked like he was being introduced to her. I looked down and took a deep breath. The first step was actually talking to people.
I entered the bar and had to blink to adjust to the lights. There was loud music coming from one corner, and everywhere there were conversations piling on top of each other in varying pitches. It took a moment to reel myself in before I walked over to the group.
Rhysand smiled wide and said, "glad to see you could make it, princess. Miryam was just talking about you."
"And digging up old wounds," Jurian added, huffing a laugh when Miryam elbowed him.
"I was telling him about how you saved me from Beron's fireball on the hill." She grinned, and the red on her cheeks told me she had one too many drinks.
I forced a laugh. "Yes, it was quite the experience."
Rhysand seemed to look right through it, but it was hard to tell. "Faebane tipped arrows, of all things. Did you even know?"
I shook my head. "Didn't really give it much thought in the moment."
He nodded slowly before clearing his throat. "Well, I'm glad we're all able to get some rest and you can finish celebrating that victory before my men and I leave at the end of the week."
"Where are you going?" Miryam asked.
"I'm joining the High Lord in his campaign on the continent. My father thinks that with me on the other side of the ocean, we might turn the tides there," he explained. "The Loyalists have lost Prythian—and they know it."
"I'm sure we all will eventually cross that ocean," Jurian said, a frown on his otherwise bright face.
The air around us changed at Jurian's words. All because he was right. In every way, he was right. It was an almost guarantee that everyone in this room will eventually go to the continent. That is where the fighting mattered most. That is what we were fighting in Prythian for.
If the Loyalists controlled Prythian, they controlled the continent. The same went for us. That is why my uncle was such an important member. He was at the head of the fighting here. With him gone, Prythian would consume itself in whatever held the most power, and then spread through the continent.
I sucked in a breath and forced a smile. "Anyone for a round of drinks?"
Rhysand jerked himself out of some headspace and grinned. "That sounds wonderful, Jurian?"
"If I end up so drunk that I'm singing, you will pay," he said, pointing a finger at Rhys.
Miryam pushed his hand down and pulled him with her as we all started walking to the bar. "If you get so drunk, I will simply have to take you to bed."
"That sounds risque," Jurian said, smiling at her.
"Perhaps he's already drunk," I commented, side-eyeing him.
We made it to the crowded bar and ordered a round of beers, which Jurian insisted on chugging. That ended with Rhys pulling a stool behind to catch him as he fell backwards. Miryam laughed like a bell and clanked her glass with mine, spilling beer on her hand.
I took a seat at a table and watched with Rhys as Miryam tried and failed to lead Jurian our way. Instead, they stumbled onto the dance floor. I cackled and slapped a hand to my mouth when seeing how hard Jurian tried to get her to dance with him.
The music seemed to soar with all the couples twirling together on the polished wood floor. I couldn't help but clap along and laugh at all of Jurian's missteps, which would send Miryam off balance and nearly tumbling. It was hard to keep from smiling wide, waving whenever I caught sight of Miryam in the crowd.
The music was a muddle of drums, violins, a harp, a flute—so many components to create a somewhat coherent piece that led this dance. It was upbeat and slowly growing faster. Almost everyone in the room was clapping along with those on the dance floor, dancing to the music in their own way.
Rhysand rose from his seat and extended a hand for me. I shook my head and laughed. No, I was definitely not going to be dancing when I've had this much to drink—or ever. I was a terrible dancer.
Yet, he was insistent, and somehow managed to pull me from my seat and into the crowd without me tripping over my feet. Mother above, what was happening? I was definitely a little drunk, and dancing so fast it was making my head spin.
But I was also laughing so hard that it made my stomach ache. I was singing along with the others—not having a clue what each lyric meant. I danced with Rhysand until Jurian and Miryam collided with us and switched places. Then it was Miryam and me dancing, and Jurian and Rhys dancing. It made Miryam cackle.
The song ended with a trill of the drums and a bang of symbols that had everyone cheering and clapping. For a moment, I thought that was it. But the night was only beginning. Someone placed another full mug of beer in my hand, which at this point tasted closer to water.
I found myself singing with Jurian on a tabletop. The people below were clapping and slamming their fists on the wood where our shoes stomped and spilled glasses. Jurian and I belted out lyrics of tavern songs from years ago—some I hadn't heard since I was a child.
"And what did she say when she slapped him away?" Jurian shouted, laughing as he did.
I gestured around the room and we all belted together, "oh what can he do when he hasn't got a clue?" The bar erupted in laugher at the end of the song.
I linked my elbow with Jurian's and we drank from our glasses while trying not to lose balance. I finished the glass and hopped off the table to find myself another one. Or perhaps a piece of bread to hold me off a little longer. Some food would keep me from passing out.
Rhysand long ago sat himself down at a corner table, where he had been in a drooling sleep for the past three songs. Azriel hadn't been seen since the band packed up two hours ago. Miryam ran up to us and jumped to hug Jurian. He stumbled into me and sent me down.
I thought I would hit the ground, but instead it was hands under my shoulders that pulled me back up to my feet. I spun around to see Azriel there. He looked tired, but held an amused smile.
I simply laughed and grabbed the nearest two glasses of mead. I put one in his hand and clanked it with mine before going for a drink. He took the mug from me and set it down on the table, saying, "you've had enough. Come on now, time for bed."
"No—no, I'm not a child," I drawled. "I am completely fine. See, I can walk in a straight line." It looked more like I was walking on a rocking ship.
"You are very drunk and I think you'll thank me in the morning," he said, trying to take my hands, which I flailed above my head.
"Uh-uh. Not until I get one last dance!" I walked over to Jurian and pulled him back to Azriel. He pulled Miryam with him.
Azriel looked the two of them up and down and said, "I can't leave any of you alone for more than five minutes."
"He's just jealous he missed out on all the fun," Jurian said, laughing.
Azriel simply raised a brow. "Alright—all of you—to bed. Come on, there's work to do in the morning."
"No, there isn't," Miryam hissed. "We are fine... I know it."
I threw my hands up and let one drape over Jurian's shoulders and the other over Azriel's. I looked at both of them and said, "you guys are the best—you know that?" My voice cracked as a wave of emotion crashed through me.
Jurian wrapped his other arm around and pulled me into a hug. "No, you're the best."
Azriel peeled me away from him. "Okay, definitely time for bed."
I finally let him lead me away, and said through tears, "you are amazing—you know that? You are so, so cool."
He nodded and hummed a response. "Yes, good to know."
I pressed a finger to his chest when we reached the staircase and said, "I mean it. You are so, so cool. Just... totally. Cauldron boil—just the best."
He raised both brows at me and said, "alright, then. Come on, up the stairs."
I tripped on a couple that looked like they were one step. Then stumbled along the rug once we reached the top. He had me lean on him as we walked down the hallway. All while I went on, and on... and on...... and on about how cool he was.
We reached my room, and he walked me over to the bed. I sat down and immediately pulled off my shirt, to which he simply turned around and sighed.
"Princess," he started.
"What?" I drawled, while lying on my back and trying to take off my pants without undoing the buttons.
"If you're going to undress, then I'm leaving," he said. I looked back up and saw his back turned to me. His wings flared slightly to cover his peripheral vision.
I grumbled a sigh and said, "can you get my nightgown out of the dresser?" I kicked off my shoes and sent them banging against the wooden floor. The pants finally shimmied off, and I sat waiting for my nightgown.
He walked over with his eyes closed and held it out in front of him. I pulled it over my head and lifted my arms up. "There, done," I said. My eyes closed with a sudden weight, and I yawned.
Azriel pulled back the bedsheets and then helped me into bed. For some reason, the whole world was spinning around me. I laughed when he helped get my feet under the covers. Then I pulled the sheets up and looked at him. He simply smiled, crouched beside me, only a few inches from my face.
"Thank you," I whispered.
His smile widened an inch. "You're welcome. Goodnight, princess."
I watched him walk out of the room, blowing out the various candles on his way. The door closed with a click and the turn of the lock, and I relaxed into the bed.
The demanding weight of sleep washed over me. The kind of demand that came after staying awake multiple hours too long. It almost burned my eyes and made all my bones pop as they relaxed with my now sore muscles.
~)(~
Everything hurt. That wasn't even close to an exaggeration. Everything was in pain.
It was cold, it was bright, and it was too loud. I didn't even know why I decided to train with the shadowsinger—I regretted it wholeheartedly. I was so tired—so sore—and had a vicious headache.
The barracks stood a few feet away from the field where Azriel and I trained. Other soldiers that Jurian dragged out were unsurprisingly loud when going through their drills.
It was late morning, and we had already been training for a few hours. The soldiers were now running laps around the barracks, and I was resting a moment with my head between my knees.
"This is the worst—you do this every day?" I asked, looking up with squinting eyes.
Azriel gave an amused smile. "Every morning. You'll get used to it."
I shook my head. "I wish I was one of those princesses that stayed inside knitting."
"Is that what you really want to do?"
I huffed a laugh. "I'm here because I didn't want to do that." Then I stretched my back and twisted to pop the pressure out of my spine.
"What will you do?—when this is over?" He asked, raising his tattooed hand.
"You mean when I'm no longer forced to follow you around?" I took a deep breath and looked back to where Jurian was ordering the group of men in a set of exercises. Then I looked back at the shadowsinger and said, "I don't know. Maybe I'll find somewhere quiet to live out the rest of my days... maybe I'll join Rhysand on the continent and see if they could use my help."
His gaze softened an inch, and he looked away from me. "When this war is over, I'm going to devote my life to helping rebuild. So that I can see Prythian as it should be."
"Sounds like a plan. A very difficult plan," I said, leaning on a lone fencepost.
He shrugged. "Every plan is difficult until you execute it."
I couldn't help but smile and nod in agreement. I looked up at the mountain that sat in front of us. It looked like a painting from here. A muddled painting, with clouds dotting the sky above.
"Will I ever see you again... after our bargain is finished?" I asked, looking back at him.
Azriel's gaze dropped to the ground, and his wings adjusted behind him, tucking tighter to his back. "I... hope so. But it's not up to me."
"Then who is it up to?"
"My High Lord," he answered sharply. His gaze hardened, and I could tell there was definitely some baggage around that topic. Now that I've learned my lesson twice, I kept my mouth shut about it.
I crossed my arms and tried to smile as honestly as I could. "I think I'd like that—seeing you again when this is all over... you have saved my life a few times, so it's the least I can do."
He chuckled. "Lets hope I don't have to do it again anytime soon."
I laughed at that. He smiled softly, his eyes lit up a little. I pushed off the fencepost and walked over to him. "Now, teach me how to defend myself against an Illyrian. I'd like to make sure I can properly kick your ass to the ground."
Azriel huffed a laugh. "How about I show you how to fight like an Illyrian? That way, you can use my own moves against me."
"That sounds like a better idea. Okay then, teach me how to fight like an Illyrian," I said, grinning.
"You'll hate it," he said, smirking.
I hoped he was wrong, but as usual, he was not. It was the worst form of physical torture I'd ever experienced. Yet, at the same time, I enjoyed it by the end. Not because of all the grueling exercises he made me endure, but all the things he told me. All the things I learned simply by listening to him.
Like how sensitive Illyrian wings were, and how that sensitivity was one of the biggest reasons they were so protective of them. Well, that explained a lot of unanswered questions. I learned that by cutting off an Illyrians wings; you were also removing some of their powers. You weren't just removing another appendage, but a very integral part of their being.
To threaten clipping an Illyrian's wings was the worst kind of insult. Honestly, anything you say about their wings is taken close to heart. They were extremely personal—something I didn't at all expect.
"So," I started as we left the field just as the sun reached noon. "Illyrians learn to fly as soon as they can crawl—but you didn't until you were much older?"
He nodded slowly. "Illyrians should always fly as early as possible to remove the sense of fear that can come from flight. It feels similar to falling, so by teaching them early on it removes any chance of developing such a fear."
"So... why did you learn so late?" I was careful with how I spoke. This was very bordering on a sensitive topic—I could tell by the way he looked.
"There were... many reasons. I try not to think of them," he said quickly, looking down at the ground in front of him.
I took a deep breath and nodded. "I guess I owe you an apology for all the times I threatened to clip your wings."
"It's far too late for that now." He shook his head with a laugh.
I smiled wide and said, "how about a compliment?"
He raised a brow. "You're capable of such things?" I elbowed his side and shoved him away from me. His wings flared out to keep his balance, and he laughed.
"You have beautiful wings. I don't know why, but they remind me of the night sky." I let myself speak honestly, knowing I would probably later regret it. But... that was for later.
I looked at him as anxiety rose in me. The hint of pink rose on his cheeks, and he smiled. "You know... in my culture—"
"If you are about to say what I think you are, I will punch you with a rock."
Azriel let out a loud laugh at that, one which honestly surprised me because I didn't think he was capable of laughing like that. But it was... unexpectedly nice to hear. When he laughed—he looked a lot younger than he actually was.
I wished this day would never end. I wanted it to continue for all the right reasons. It was beautiful outside. The sky was mostly blue, with each rough cloud looking like a shape of some kind. The wind blew with it a warm air that made the trees rustle like bell chimes.
I hoped that this entire week was no different. It would be good for all of us. To have a bit of rest after fighting and traveling. A breath of pause before we did it all over again. Repeated the same cycle until this war was finally over.
-Authors Note-
this is a much... slower chapter? idk but I wanted to write a more fun one. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I wanted to fit in a breather and thought this would be a good spot—let me know though.
anyway, the weather sucks so fingers crossed the power doesn't go out—it would ruin me if that happened. I'll try getting another chapter out before my school starts at the end of the week. *internal screaming*
Hoziers new album came out!!! I'm obsessed its my new personality. my fav song is Abstract, and I'm very curious to hear what yours is?
hope you have a great day/week and I'll see you later! thanks for reading!!!