COURTNEY'S POV
You know what's the hardest part about this decision?
It's knowing that whatever I choose, I'm going to regret it. I'll miss out on something that would have been the best thing to happen to me if only I had taken the other route.
But what is the other route? Even with that, there's no guarantee it is for the best. That nothing will bad will happen.
I just have to choose what I think is right and hope for the best.
What is best about this anyway?
I had to pretend I didn't want to be near the person I care about. Act as if nothing is wrong, as if I didn't want to be near him, as if I had no feelings for him. Yet, deep down, it's killing me.
My heart feels like it is breaking into a million pieces.
But even though it hurts me to do this. Even though it's so hard to keep up this act. I must put on a brave face and protect him, no matter how much it might hurt me in the process.
I wonder, would it be easier if I hadn't confessed to him? Would it be easier if I didn't know how he felt about me? Would it have been better if Troy had come earlier?
I guess I'll never know the answer. All I can do is accept the way things are and carry on the act.
"You might think that I will believe every hurtful word that you say, but I can assure you that I won't."
Chad's tone was firm, his face was serious.
I could feel my heart racing at the sight of him. I was so moved by how he was so sure that I was only lying to him, that this was just an act. Despite all my efforts to convince him, he wouldn't budge.
Chad could see right through me.
It made me feel so exposed, so vulnerable, I couldn't look. I knew he was onto me and I couldn't bear to see the determination in his eyes.
I had to look away and pretend I didn't care. I could feel his gaze on me, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings.
It made me wonder why I was resisting, why I kept on doing this lie and act? Chad would definitely understand me, right? If I told him what was going on, he'd get it. I am sure he would be able to come up with some ideas on how we can resolve this issue.
In the cafeteria, watching him from a distance was painful. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't avoid looking at him, even secretly. I could see the look in his eyes. He was shocked to see me there and I could tell he was trying to process why I was with Troy. I could see the confusion and pain on his face and my heart sank.
And to make matters worse, Troy was extremely clingy at that time. He showed me around like his trophy—his possession.
And I hate it.
The girls saw me, too. And they weren't happy. They kept messaging me asking why I was with Troy, what really happened. I couldn't explain myself. I had no idea where to start. They kept pressing me for an answer, but I just couldn't bring myself to give them one.
They wouldn't talk to me unless I got my act together.
They know me too well.
Was my decision stupid?
Is this selflessness or selfishness?
I recalculated my thoughts.
What could possibly go wrong if I came clean? If I told them everything? I knew it was a risk. I had to tell them the truth, even if it meant I could lose everything. But then, what Troy said awhile ago kept pushing me back to my original plan.
"Why does that geek keep staring at you? "
"Oh, Troy, drop it. Everyone is looking at us, as always. What's new?" I tried to divert his attention away from Chad and feed his ego instead.
"Everyone can look, but not him. I still can't believe you tried to break up with me because of that useless geek. I don't want him near you, let alone looking at you. I can't promise I won't do anything if this continues. You know what I mean." Troy's tone was menacing. I had no idea where this was coming from-his sudden jealousy and possessiveness.
He was insecure! Very unlike him considering he was damn narcissistic.
I wanted to use my influence to ruin him. There's no doubt I could do it. I'd get my friends to help, and make it look like an accident. But then, I couldn't help but worry about Chad.
Troy.
I've never seen him act like this before. I didn't know him well enough to be so complacent. He was usually chill and outgoing with everyone. But since he came back, his behavior was erratic and he was clearly agitated. I was worried he might do something reckless, so I decided to stay and keep an eye on him.
Bowing to anyone is not my thing. I hate submitting, especially to someone like him. I am the Courtney Collins, and my old self couldn't handle this!
But it's different now. I have to think of others as well.
Chad.
I just learned he received a scholarship from Stanford. He deserves it. He worked really hard to get where he is today. I'm so proud of him and excited for this new chapter of his life.
I wouldn't ruin this for him.
I will do my best so he doesn't end up like Jeremy.
I felt Chad's hand touch mine and I was pulled out of my musings and brought me to the present. There was a look in his eyes that made my heart race, and I felt like surrendering. There was a part of me that wanted to hug him.
Stop.
Hate me.
I don't want to be the one who would ruin your dreams.
"This is why you get hurt, Treyson. You trust people so easily." I swatted my hand so that it would break free from his grasp.
Chad stepped back, his face hurt. This left a constricting pain in my heart.
"You can say whatever you want, Courtney, but it won't work. I'll get to the bottom of this. Whatever manipulation or threat he puts on you, I won't let him get away with this."
Stop.
Think about your dreams.
"You are hopeless." I said spitefully. "Wake up, Chad. This is me, the real Courtney. What you saw before was just an act. I take winning seriously, you know? And now that I finally got what I wanted--passing my grades without your help, I have no use of you anymore."
I swallowed the sob that threatened to escape from my lips. My hand trembled. If I stay any longer, he would see right through me.
That his hunch was right. This was all an act. I didn't mean anything I said. In fact, it was the opposite.
I want you.
I need you.
I love you.
I love you to the point that I want to see you achieve your dreams, even without me in them.
I was in a verge of breaking. Any minute now, I would burst into tears. I wouldn't want him to see that.
So, I rushed my way out and walked past him to get into my car immediately.
Chad didn't stop me this time. He let me be. It's fine, because I know that once he does, I will give in. I would drop the act and tell him everything.
I think it's better that he didn't so I have the courage to say this.
"Stop trying to save me, Treyson. I don't need it. And I'm not your precious Olivia that you think you could fix. This is the real me. I love to be popular, and there's no way I will leave this for you."
I was ready to leave. I can't bear to see him like this; it's too painful. I have to keep my distance and pretend that nothing matters, but I can't help but feel my heart breaking with every step I take away from him.
"Okay." Chad said. He had a hint of resignation in his tone. It felt like he gave in to my demands.
This made me stop.
"But I want to make things clear. I never ever thought of fixing you, Courtney. Because you can't fix someone who isn't broken. I saw you as perfect as you were. You were so sure of yourself. You know what you want. Your confidence and determination--that draws me to you. That made me lose the game we played."
I felt my heart skip a beat when he said those words. I was overwhelmed with emotion.
It never occurred to me that he looked at me like that. He saw beauty in my flaws, strengths in my weaknesses. I never thought he would see me for who I am.
I wanted to tell him that he was the one who made me feel so alive and so sure of myself. But I couldn't find the words to express it. I was speechless.
"And you're right. You're not Olivia. Because with her, at least I know that her feelings for me were genuine and true. What we had was real. She didn't trick me into loving her. She just chose a different path, and I get it. People become ambitious at some point in their lives. I didn't try to fix her. I didn't try to change her because I know that if someone wants to change, they will do it themselves not because someone told them to."
I didn't trick you! My feelings for you were genuine too!
I wanted to shout those words, but before I could even open my mouth, he already said,
"I let it be. I let her be. If that's what makes her happy, fine. If this was your plan all along, if this was part of your grand scheme..." He stopped for a moment, I heard him took a deep sigh and finished with a word that broke my heart.
"Okay."
I was too late.
-END OF CHAPTER 46-
A/N: Oh... it was painful for me to write the last part of this chapter. Taylor Swift's song "You're losing me" was playing when I write this.
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