~ ALEX~
[Situation: How to ride a bike?]
I've always liked how the sun shines brightly in my room when I wake up. It always reminds me that today is another day.
"Morning Xander, would you like to have breakfa -"
"Sorry mom, I have to go somewhere for today, maybe next time."
"Oh okay. Take care."
Every morning for over a week now, it became a routine to go for a run around the mountains just to get my head out of the problem.
It does give relief but it isn't permanent. At the end of the day my marriage is still on the rocks.
~
In my family there's no mom and dad, it's always been mom or dad.
When my parents divorced we moved to where my grandmother resides.
It was miles away from home, in a small village almost no one knows.
In place of new beginnings where the sun burst through the horizon.
"Mabuti naman alam mo na magsalita ng hindi English, Xander. Nauubusan na ako ng words na sasabihin sa 'yo minsan."
"Hindi mo naman kailangang mag-English palagi. Nakakaintindi pa rin naman ako ng Tagalog."
"Hm, pero bakit kapag kasama mo si Bria, nauutal ka?"
"Of Course not!"
"Liar. Nauutal ka kaya. Minsan nga nakatulala ka lang sa kanya. Nakakainis tuloy."
"Bakit ka naman maiinis?"
"Kasi kapag nandiyan na siya, nakakalimutan mo na ako. "
" Hindi kaya."
" Liar. Kahit anong pilit kong kunin ang atensyon mo sa kanya, hindi mo ako pinapansin.Invisible na ba talaga ako sa mata ng mga tao?"
"No you're not. Kapansin-pansin ka kaya."
"Paano mo nasabi?"
"Hm, 'cause you're like the sun.You shine bright when you smile and you illuminate the skies with your presence."
"Just like the sun."
"Yes. You're like the sun, Brielle. My personal light."
~
The sunrise by the viewdeck has always been mesmerizing. It gives off hope for a new day up ahead.
"Nandito ka lang pala."
"I didn't expect you to be here as well, Brianna."
She responded with a smile before settling at one of the benches that overlook the sun rise.
"How is she?" I sat next to her without sparing a glance. She knows who I'm talking about, and I know she's been watching over her for a while.
"She's...thinking."
"Thinking, huh."
How long will that process be? How much time will we need to go back from before? How much more do I have before the pain subsides?
"It's not that she hated you, Xander."
I know.
"Av - Brie, just needed to face her problems head on. Matagal na niyang ipinagpaliban lahat ng problema niya kaya mas lalo siyang nahihirapan lalo na kapag kasama ka. Pero babalik din naman siya."
"I don't know. I am the cause of her problem."
I know Brielle hated me for always pissing her off, but more than that I hated myself for ignoring her feelings.
"Insecurity. It is not a sin nor a disease. It's part of human nature."
"I never seen nor interpreted it with such negativity," I responded.
"And you never really look much into it."
I never did. Hindi dahil sa wala akong pakialam ngunit hindi ko lang inasahan na mahaharap ako sa ganitong sitwasyon.
"It's no one's fault, Xander. It just so happens that Brielle wasn't able to handle her emotional insecurities well more than the others."
"But - "
"Don't be too harsh on yourself. If there's someone to blame, it should be me." A sad smile appeared on Brianna's face before continuing, "I've been with her the longest yet I wasn't able to help much."
"I'm sure Brielle thinks otherwise. She loves you so much."
Brielle has always adored her sister. She always brags about her and cares about her so much she sometimes forgets about herself.
"And I love my little sister too," she chucked. "Did you know she's the reason I took up psychology?"
"First time hearing about it, but after reading your email, it makes sense."
"I see. Mga bata pa lang tayo marami na akong naririnig na bulong-bulungan sa paligid. Minsan tungkol sa 'kin, sa pamilya, o kay Brielle. Noon hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangang pagusapan ang mga tao sa paligid, ang mga nagawa nila, pagkakamali at mga bagay na kwentong barbero lang. Pero dahil din sa mga usapang iyon, mas natutunan kong bumasa ng tao at maging aware sa paligid."
"You've always been skillful. "
"I just know how to keep things in check, especially my fears. Hindi madaling balansehin ang emosyon at lalong hindi madaling komprontahin ang mga kinakatakutan natin. May mga araw din na hindi ko alam ang gagawin at nawawala ako sa sarili. Hindi naman ako perpekto gaya ng inaakala ng lahat"
"But you managed to deal with it."
"Because I seek help. When someone's afraid, problematic, or dealing with stress, don't let them keep it in. Extend your hand and help. Be it someone who listens, someone who can give a simple hug, or act of kindness, it will lift up a person's heart. That's the only thing I can do to survive and feel that I'm not alone."
~
Sadness. An emotion I never felt whenever I'm with you.
Unpredictable. I never knew when and what you'll do next.
Normal. Being with you became as natural as breathing.
"Hey Brielle, Why do you always call me prince?"
"Kasi nakatira ka sa castle.''
"No I don't."
" Yes you do. "
"Fine, so who's my princess?"
"I don't know. Bakit kailangan mo?Hindi ka naman nag-iisa sa castle 'di ba?"
"My castle is lonely, I needed someone to be with me. Isa pa, hindi ba dapat kapag may prince may princess?"
"Hm, oo nga. Pero kung hindi mo alam kung sino siya, then let's go find her"
"Hah? Saan naman tayo maghahanap ng prinsesa."
"Hindi ko alam. Itatanong ko kay mama mamaya baka alam niya."
"Wait, hindi na kailangan."
"Bakit?"
"Because I already have you."
"But I'm not a princess."
"But you'll be with me forever anyway."
"Oh that's true. Then I'll be your princess."
~
Simple and nonsense conversations from childhood sometimes make me want to go back in time where problems can be solved in just a blink of an eye, but more than those memories, I can remember how much people around me had extended their hands to help.
"You see, Brielle had been blindfolded for a long time. She always denies her insecurity, even if she's well aware of her own feelings."
"Is it because she's scared?"
"Yes, like being blindfolded. Wala siyang nakitang nag-abot sa kanya ng tulong o handang tumulong sa kanya kaya hindi niya makita kung anong halaga niya sa mundo. Ang mga taong nasa palid niya ay masyadong ikinumpara kami sa isa't-isa. Hindi rin nakatulong na ang taong kinakapitan niya ng lakas at unang naging kaibigan niya ay iniwan siya."
"So it did affect her."
"Everything affects a person, but like I said. It's a matter of how you'll manage it. Brielle only found a way to manage her emotions and fears when she left home. Para sa kanya ang ang pag-alis ay kalayaan sa rehas ng nakaraan. Nagawa naman niyang maging matapang, magbago at maging palaban dahil sa taong nagbigay sa kanya ng lakas ng loob at marahil ay unang nagbukas sa kanyang mga mata, pero agad ding nawala iyon at doon mas lalong nabalot ang kanyang puso ng takot at self-doubt."
"And that's why her personality changed."
"Marahil. Pero ang minsang pagiging agresibo, rude or bossy niya ay isang defence mechanism para hindi siya magmukhang mahina at para makontrol niya ang kanyang emosyon. Ngunit hindi iyon eepekto kung may higit na emosyon siyang nararamdaman sa isang tao."
Brianna stares intently as if waiting for my response before she can continue talking. I honestly don't know how to react to what she said. All the information she's been giving were things that helped me understand Brielle's situation.
"What would happen if she lived with the person she felt strongly about? Does that affect her negatively?"
"Depends on their understanding and relationship. Pero sa sitwasyon niyo ni Brille, she just accepted the fact about her insecurity. She hasn't done anything else to take care of it, until now."
"What do you mean?"
My heart started to thump just by the way Brianna said those words. It felt like Brielle had made a decision, and that decision is something I won't like to hear.
"She planned to move away. The way she sees it, moving away would give her a chance to learn about the world. It would let her clear off her mind of the negativity and at the same time, she'll be able to balance her life and face her fears."
"And what about us? Can I not be a part of that moving on process?"
"You are, that's why you have to let her go."
That's something I'm trying to prevent.
"Xander, sometimes there are moments in life when letting go is the only option."
"It's not easy." I can't just let her go after all the things we've been through. I struggled to break all her defences through the years, slowly finding ways to let myself be part of her life once more. I can't just leave now, especially when she's slowly responding to me.
"I never said it was nor will it be. All I'm saying is let her walk the path she wants to take on her own. Let her discover things and experience something without holding her back. If we - you and I - were two of the people who've held her back, the least we can do is to push her forward and listen to her. If today she takes her first step, then all we have to do is support her and watch her back as she moves forward."
"Brianna-"
"It's not forever, Xander. It's only for the time being."
Letting go was never easy. It was never my option, not even on the choices, but what Brianna said speaks to reasons. And as much as I want to keep holding on even if I bleed, if I don't let go I'll just hurt her or at worst lose her forever.
[Conclusion: Learning how to ride a bike start off with training wheels as support, but at some point those support will be remove, even if there's no guarantee of safety, one must let go, move forward and experience all the bumps and flats on the road on their own because that's how we grow and mature in life.]
xx