Lies:
Beginners luck
I was right.
Stella did have a pair of extra skates.
Perfect fit even.
She was even so kind to give Céline her spare gloves.
But that's what you get for playing cupid on my first game playing for Harvard.
And luck was on our side as there was nobody on the ice. It was already later afternoon in between practices so those periods are always pretty calm.
"Wait here, I'm going to get us something." I smirk while I watch her tie the shit out of her laces. By the time I'm back from my secret mission she's staring up at the ceiling waiting for me. Sneaking up on her I lean into her ear from behind. "Here Princess." I whisper, laughing as I startle her.
"Jesus Rémy. Why don't you give me a heart attack while you're at it." She smacks her hand into my arm, but it quickly falls to her side when she notices the helmet in one hand and two sticks in the other.
"Here." I look down at my hands before pushing my helmet into her hands. "Number twenty-seven. It's mine. Put it on, I don't want a rogue puck to crack your pretty skull."
"How romantic." She looks up at me before her eyes waver to the helmet and she takes a deep breath.
"Something wrong?" A frown falls over my face.
"N-No." She shakes. "I just now realize I haven't skated since..."
Since she almost drowned.
"Shit." I mutter. "I'm sorry, this was a bad idea."
It's dumb apology, I know it.
"No, it was a great idea. Besides I suggested it. I just," Another deep breath fills her lungs. "It's time." She laughs, putting on the helmet like a warrior facing her biggest battle yet. "Let's do this." She pulls down the visor before grabbing a stick from my hands and marching towards the ice.
God, this girl is what dreams are made of.
"Hey." I call out, making her turn around. "I got you." A stupid wink pulls at my face and it makes her smile multiply by a ten. And a half. "Always." I tell her as my hand disappears into the curve of her back.
✨
She does a few unsteady laps around the rink, anyone who hasn't skated in year would.
It's annoying.
Not this, the stupid smirk I wear the entire time while watching her is. I set up the goalpost and some pucks while I watch her pick up some speed and now, I nearly dislocate my jaw. "Dammit, you're fast. Slow down on the-"
Yup, she's doing the most perfect cross overs.
Unreal.
"You little liar." I chirp while joining her.
"What do you mean?" She shrugs, continuing to speed across the surface with the cutest smile tugging at her glossy lips.
Also my helmet on her... Hot.
Unbelievably. Undeniably. Hot.
"Were you a figure skater before you know- the accident? Because you know how to skate." I pause, watching her skate edge deep into the ice. "Damn well."
"Ha!" She snorts shrugging. "Figure skating? If I was, I would have done some spins by now wouldn't I?"
"True."
"My dad taught me how to skate."
"Your dad knows how to skate then. Does he know how to net a puck?" I nod towards the goal I set up earlier.
"Does he? Maybe?"
Maybe?
Okay, she's trying to keep this interesting.
"Alright, show me what you got baby girl." I tease her, her face literally blank for a moment, her cheeks so beautifully red now.
"I got nothing actually." She skates over to me, pushing her stick into my chest. I refuse to believe she didn't even try, someone who can skate like that, must know how to slap a puck. "Teach me."
"Seriously?" I cock her a defiant brow.
"I'm not going to ask again."
I quickly keep my mouth shut and whisk my arm around her waist to draw her into my chest as I position the stick into her hand, the correct way. "Just swing it." I tell her playfully before softly tapping her helmet. "Who cares about technique, you're here to blow off some steam."
Her heads twist back, looking over her shoulder with a smirk that tempts me to haul that helmet off her head and sacrifice my soul for the greater good.
God almighty!
She slaps the puck right into the right corner of the net and now I'm almost on my knees begging this girl to marry me. "No Shit!" I'm just standing there, astound. In total awe with that beauty of a clapper. "Again." I tell her while pushing a puck towards her with my stick and then she does something other than win over my heart. She completely melts me with a damn TDR, that puck hitting going bar down. "Holy fuck."
"Did I do it the wrong way? It went into the net, no? doesn't it count when it hits the crossbar."
Does it?
The wrong effing way?
"Babe, you did not just do a perfect TDR. Impossible." I'm still looking at her like I just saw a ghost. Well, Sidney Crosby in the flesh, if he wasn't still alive and breathing.
"A what?" She turns to me, frowning. Like a deer in headlights and it's stinking cute.
"Do it again, and I'll explain." I shove another puck her way and she does do it again, this one even more powerful, only this one flies into the boards. Thank God it does, I was starting to think she was the incarnation of some hockey legend. "Toe. Drag. Release. TDR. It's a shooting technique." I explain while pushing off my glove and throwing a confused hand through my hair. "You just delivered it perfectly. Holy fuck eh." I'm laughing now, still overcome with surprise. "How?"
A light shrug moves her shoulders while she turns to me, grabbing another puck before slamming that one onto the boards again. Thank god, she's human. "I don't know. Beginners luck?"
"That's pure fucking talent." I twitter at her, pushing another puck towards her. "If you don't try out for the girls' team next season, we can no longer be friends."
This time she doesn't slap the puck towards the net at all, instead she stands up straight resting her chin on top of her hands as they're leaning on the stick that's far too big for her. "That's not possible. We'd have to be friends first." She smiles cheekily while my thoughts cloud with confusion.
What?
We're friends?
No?
"So?" I shake, gliding towards her until I'm facing the cute sassy expression on her face. "This isn't the best friendship you ever had?" She shakes to disagree.
Fuck.
Disappointment waltzes over me.
"Okay." I mutter, directing my gaze towards the ice.
"I don't remember ever putting you in the friendzone." She whispers and now this place got really cold, really quick. "Stop moping." Her laugh fills the entire rink while she skates forward, skating into my shoulder, completely catching me off guard. "I learned from my mistakes Rém. I'm done friendzoning cute guys I want to kiss."
Oh.
Ooooohhh.
"You got me there." I laugh as I watch her skate away, trying to take a puck with her. "Also did you just try to manhandle me?" I skate after her, petty me instantly taking the puck from her but she's not letting me go without a fight. "Come on miss beginners' luck, not so lucky anymore huh?"
"You ass!" She cusses while I hear her skates slice the ice behind me.
"Fuck me, how are you so fast." I'm fully sputtering in laughter now as she has almost caught up with me. "Seriously! You're bad for my ego!"
"Aww, you bet I am! I just don't like to lose." She yells after me in a competitive voice, and I'm glad she gets to get rid of all the anger she was bottling up earlier. "Watch it twenty-seven." She laughs while she slaps the puck into the boards, both of us going after it. It's my lucky day indeed, because as I let her grab the biscuit first, it's the perfect way to corner her, softly sandwiching her between myself and the boards. Laughter erupts from us both until she turns around in my arms and her head falls back into the glass as her gaze fights to capture mine, both of us equally as out of breath.
We fail to calm our breathing as the position we're in is far more exciting than chasing any kind of puck. As her chest moves heavily, my free hand gently pushes up the visor, a smile instantly appearing on my face. "You have definitely done this before."
She shakes as my hand settles into her shoulder, my thumb pushing her chin up. "No, I swear." She swallows and now she seems at a loss for words. "This is so much fun though. You are a lot of fun. Always." She joins my smile as her hand wraps around my wrist.
It's silence and cold fresh air that falls upon us when her eyes scan my face, her gaze once more lingering on my mouth. I stroke her cheek and now my breath hitches inside my throat, completely under a spell that's called Céline.
It's magic.
It's a damn funking twisted curse.
Because as soon as I inch forward, she ducks under my hand and it doesn't take very long to process she has skated off with the puck. I smother a groan, squeezing my eyes at that menace across the rink. "Okay. Not fair!"
"I win." She laughs as she laser beams the puck into the net once more. Perfectly. Like she was born to do nothing else.
"No, you don't!" I grin as I come up to her, spraying her with snow as I stop abruptly. "I was totally going to kiss you."
"Oh really?" She freezes and then bursts out in a cute giggle. "Didn't think you actually had the guts to do it."
I tilt my head, biting on the inside of my cheek. "Oh really."
"Really." Her eyes turn wide as I take a step towards her and then it turns into a quick pout. "Wait, I didn't get to show you my celly? Show me your favorite one."
Your...
Fuck.
Where does she come from?
"Céline, the hockey terminology. So, fucking hot. You have no idea. You're killing me."
It's true.
She's turning me on with words.
Now there's no way back.
I am kissing her before the clock strikes midnight.
She's nervously biting her bottom lip. "Come on, show me."
It's with a smirk I pick up a puck, going around the goal post with it and tucking it into the net.
Miller style.
Time for the celly.
Celly of choice, the cupid also known as the heartbreaker.
I lunge forward, sliding and using my stick as cupid would use his bow and fire and imaginary arrow at her until she dying with embarrassment and blushing with cuteness. I get up and lean into her ear for the best one-liner I have been dying to pull on her. "I'm a forward, but baby girl I'll protect you like my best defenseman."
She's snorting.
I'm hurling at my own words.
"That's the cheesiest thing I have ever heard." She lightly pushes at my chest and I'm letting her.
"I agree. That shit sounded so much better in my head." I'm shaking my head, knowing my brother, the king of poetry would give me eternal crap for it. "Come on, now show me a celly. Anything." I cannot contain my smile around her, it's the hardest job on the planet. "Make it embarrassing too, so I'll forget about that monstrosity of a one-liner."
"I'm going to put your celly to shame." She chuckles before flying towards the goal with puck and stick, it goes in, she turns to me to celebrate yet she loses all her footing and dives forwards onto the ice.
"Céline!" I utter with worry as she's just lying there, her elbows supporting her while her gaze is directed towards the ice, completely frozen and still. "Are you okay?" My chest clenches like I have just been nailed in the back. I'm next to her but she's not answering. "Céline?" I desperately try to grab her attention, rubbing my hand across her back, and as far as I can hear she's not even breathing, or whimpering in pain. "Fuck!" I bite down on my words as my throat clenches shut with fear. Something's wrong and I will do anything to get a reaction out of her. Looking around me I shake off my glove and try to put my warm hand into her neck softly stroking her with my thumb. "Babe, come on." I whisper, barely able to squeeze the words out and just like that she snaps out of it.
"I'm okay." She whimpers as she rolls onto her back, taking a deep needing breath. "I'm okay."
I sit back onto the ice, relieved, yet compactly taken by fear, her fear. I rub one of my hands across my face while my other one feels around for her hand, grabbing it as soon as I find it. "I'm okay, just a little-" I look over at her as her gaze is directed to the ceiling, her breath still frazzled.
"Shaken, scared? I know I am." A hasty confession escapes me while the thudding of my heart doesn't seem to eb away. "Is it always like this?"
Please don't say yes.
It's going to break my heart.
"Yes." She nods while she slowly tries to sit up, her hand still holding mine. "I freeze and dissociate a lot. Or the opposite, sometimes I black out completely, like when I was in Eli's room. This time I got sucked into my head. I went back." Her gaze meets mine and I'm only now realizing I was holding my breath the entire time she tried to explain. She takes off her helmet and puts it down onto the ice, her ponytail now a cute mess. "I drowned all over again." Her lips twist and quiver and she's trying to hold back a sob. "What did you do to make it stop?"
I shake, take a deep breath, and then pull at her hand until she's safe and scrubbed up against my chest. "I just touched you." At my words she releases an anguished whimper, hiding her entire face into my sweater. "Did falling trigger it?" I'm careful, yet it's still the first thought on my mind.
"No." She shrugs lightly, her hands grabbing my sweater like she's never going to let go. I don't want her to ever let go either. "Watching the ice up close did." Another brave and deep breath fills her lungs until she props her head up to look at me. I instantly rush a hand through her hair to flatten all the frizziness. "I'm not going to let it ruin this." Another breath. "A month ago I couldn't even imagine putting on skates, let alone skate again." Another breath. "I refuse to let my this stupid PTSD ruin this." One last breath. "I win!" She said it right before falling, she said it again, to make her weakest moment just a hiccup in the timeline, as if it never happened. But it did happen, and I believe it was meant to happen. Even more so. I believe we were meant to happen to each other, whether that's in or out the friendzone. Whether I decide to finally kiss her or not.
A smile finds its way to my face, as my heart thuds fast in my chest.
Like falling heart first.
"I'm insanely proud of you." I whisper while wiping a solitary tear from her cheek.
"I'm insanely hungry." She smiles back and both of us shudder with a laugh next.
"Want to go home, order some takeout?" I realize I use the word home to describe my place. As if home is wherever she is. I'm not even lying, because it's the god honest truth. I have never had a home, a safe place, a place where I could truly be myself, be vulnerable.
I was wrong.
I was wrong about it being a place.
Home is starting to feel like person.
"Sounds great." She nods at me while I carefully help her to her feet.
✨
There was some hugging and playful banter going on between untying our skates, putting away my helmet and sticks, all the way to my car.
She's sitting in the passenger seat as the sun starts to set early behind the houses we drive past. The sky is painted in my favorite color, my hand on her thigh while she tries to order us some take-out. We had a ten-minute discussion on what place we would order from, but in the end, she insisted on Thai food with a pout and an eyelash flutter.
How could I say no to that huh?
"So, do you want noodles or rice?" She asks as she's scrolling on my phone through a menu.
"Uhm." I shake. "Both?" I give her a quick glance and she knows by the look on my face I'm being serious.
"Right, I forgot you eat like an ogre."
My jaw falls, a little offended while she's looking at me with that teasing little grin. "Leave Shrek out of it. I have to eat a lot or else I get wacked into the boards too easily. It's called surviving."
"Fine, noodles and rice it is. Too bad though. I would kiss you all better if you end up a bit blue and bruised after your next game."
Yup, that went straight to my heart.
Don't forget mister dick as well.
He's having a hard time right now.
I'm thinking about it, Céline fully determined to kiss away all the darn bruises that cover my body. I might as well let myself get wrecked next game.
I mean, what's a fucking bruise or two when you get a kiss or twenty right?
"You're pushing it." I smile at her while squeezing her thigh.
"You're-" her smart mouth is instantly back at me but then she stops and frowns at my phone. "Uhm." When I see the name across the screen I frown even more. "Who's Sally?"
There's slight worry in her voice, there's spewing anger in mine when I answer her. "Nobody."
I mean it.
Sally, equals nobody.
"Nobody?" Céline goggles her eyes at me, while I pull over and shut down the car. I need to grab that phone from her before she does something like... Pick up. "She's nobody?" She flicks a brow and I'm trying to swallow my angers as the phone keeps buzzing in her hand. "What's wrong?" Filled with wariness Céline snaps at me, as I try to grab the damn phone from her. She pulls back, it's still going off. It's still causing my chest to clench. It's still almost making me cry on the inside. "Oh god." Céline suddenly laughs and shakes her head. "Is she the other one?"
I frown and when the phone stops making that awful vibrating noise I can sit back, somewhat relaxed. "Other one?"
"The other girl you're seeing?" It's a soft whisper, almost a whimper, Céline's face just filled with sadness.
"The fuck." I grit, but not at her question. Unfortunately, I'm uttering my anger again when I see Sally's name appear on the screen again and it even has Céline rolling her eyes.
"Great, she's calling again."
"Give me my phone babe." I ask her, calmly.
"Don't call me babe." I'm not fooling her with this play pretend. I'm not calm. I'm about to storm out of my car and throw that damn phone into an open field somewhere. "If you're seeing someone else, that's fine. I can handle that. Just don't beat around the bush and fucking admit to it."
"Give me the phone Céline." I try once more to keep my voice down as I try to haul it out her hands before the phone call is over. I can't avoid Sally forever. I'm going to end this wiht one phone call and then I can go on with my life. I grab the phone, but she doesn't want to let go. "Sally is my mom, now let go. Please." Her jaw drops as she instantly let's go and watches me pick up. "What do you want?" I ask my mom, mother, the woman who absolutely ruined my life.
"Rémy sweetheart." She bawls into the phone, her voice hoarse and unsteady.
She's drunk.
High.
Both.
Add completely emotionally unstable to that list.
I clench my jaw while I grip the steering wheel. "You don't get to call me that." I snap at her and now all that rage is coming out in words, a sharp tone, my knuckles white. "Three years, three fucking years you let me be. So, what is it you need from me. I know you don't call because you care. You never did."
"Doyle left." She replies.
Good.
Even that piece of shit realized she's a ship named sinking Sally.
I'm frowning, trying to figure out what it means though. What she needs because of it.
Drugs, booze, money, her kid maybe?
"So? He kind of stuck around a lot longer than I thought he would."
"He just left this morning without saying anything. Rémy he took every last penny in my bank account. I don't have anything left! You need to help me. I'm your mother! I have nothing left!"
Money.
There you have the motive.
Not her son.
No, of course not.
It's never her son. Not even when her boyfriend beats me to shit. Even then I'm still her last thought. I am her first thought though when the police officers asked who started the fight. That's the only time she picked my name first.
And even then, it was a lie.
It was always Doyle.
It was always her defending him as she looked right through me.
As she watched me cry for help.
"I hope he buys himself some counseling with it."
"Rémy stop! You have to help me. I can't pay the house, food. I have nothing. I only have you left. Your brother won't pick up my calls. You're my son. My beautiful baby." My chest clenches but it's with disgust.
"No, mom. I'm only your son when it's convenient to you. My brother doesn't answer your calls because he knows you only call when you need something from us. He's done with you, and so should I. You were never there for us! We don't owe you anything! You don't care about the house. You just want money to buy some more drugs. You only care about your next fix and your call sheet of boyfriends. I can't fucking do it anymore! I can't do it anymore! I can't. I'm done! I'm fucking done!" I'm spewing out my thoughts, consumed by resentment. So much so I completely forget Céline's sitting right next to me until her hand folds over my shoulder. I look over at her, a pitifully look painted across her face and I want to yell. I want to yell at Sally for making me look so fucking weak in front of her, for making me feel like I'm so irrelevant to anybody and I want to yell at Céline for pitying me, want to yell that I can take care of myself, that I always have. That she left me no fuckin choice.
I just want to fucking yell!
I do.
I put the phone down and slam my hands onto the steering wheel letting out every bad memory that phone call made me remember. All of them, a lot of them, my entire fucking life minus the last three years. I keep slamming it until my pleading cries turn into sobs and I fall forward into the wheel, my hands covering my face, my palms collecting tears.
I fucking hate this shit.
I hate my fucking life!
"Oh my fucking-" I screech through my teeth, but I continue to sob and shudder, my hands now violently shaking as they disappear into my hair.
"Rémy please." The sound of Céline's soft and caring voice pierces through my destructive thoughts. "Rémy tell me what I can do?" She's trying to find a way not to make me feel so wrecked, but I wish there was one.
Nobody can help me, really. This shit is just always going to chase me. I have tried to embrace it, countless times, over and over, but now I just want to fucking escape it. "I just need to be alone." I flinch when her hand folds around my wrist, trying to pull it away from my face. "Please just leave me alone."
I can't stop shaking.
I can't stop crying.
I can't stop caring about five-year-old Rémy who watched his mom overdose for the first time.
I can't stop thinking about seven-year-old Rémy who suffered with pneumonia, who's mom refused to go to a doctor until he had to be hospitalized.
I can't apologise enough tot eight-year-old Rémy who nearly died because he thought his mom's molly was candy.
I can't stop feeling for ten-year-old Rémy, who received his first beating by one of his mother's boyfriends when his brother was at skating camp.
I can't stop feeling sorry for myself, for every single day, every single second of the past fucking twenty-one miserable years.
"Rémy, you're not okay. You can't possibly expect me to leave you alone tonight." Another whimper echoes through the car as she tries desperately to rub her hand across my back. "I care about you!" She says louder, convincing. But it's going to take a lot more to make me believe anything that has care and you in the same damn sentence.
"No." I raise my voice at her. "Please don't. It doesn't fucking matter. I don't matter."
"Yes, you do!" I can tell my harsh words made her cry, her voice desperate. "Rém-"
"Leave! Please." I plead with her; I cry.
"No!"
"Please! Go away!" I turn to her in anger and I'm dazed to find her looking at me with the most worried eyes. They're red from crying, the green in them almost ten times greener than they have ever been.
"Okay fine." She mutters, her voice breaking. "My dorm is just a few streets down the road." A shrug hurdles over her shoulders. "I guess I'll walk home." She's staring at me as tears just flood my face. She continues to stare for a minute until disbelief clouds her expression. "You're not going to stop me? You're really going to let me walk home? In the dark?" Her disappointed look hits me right in the chest and it fucking hurts but I'm out of myself. I'm devastated and I'm in no shape to drive her home, let alone stop her.
My gaze falls, my shoulders drop as I sit back. "I need to be alone, please."
I can't bear to look at her as I collect my hands on the wheel and stare ahead at the dark road ahead, faint streetlights painting the pavement orange. "I actually want to help you Rémy, but you have to want it first."
"I-" I don't know what to say as the truth makes my throat hurt, the lump in it now keeping every word deep down in my chest.
"It's okay. If space is what you really need, I'll give it to you." She whispers while the corner of my eye catches her taking off my sweater. "When you're ready you can back come to me." Her whisper sounds so careful, so sweet, so kind. "I got you." Her actions sugarcoat he words as suddenly she drapes my sweater over my shoulders. "Always." There is it, the crack in her smooth voice that crushes that stupid thing inside my chest. It's even more deafening than the harsh sound that fills the car when she slams the door shut behind her. She got out, leaving me a sweater that smells so distinctively like her now, vanilla mixed with lavender. Like she knew I needed it more, even though she's probably freezing now on her way to her dorm.
I lean back, grab the sweater, burry my face in it and curse. I curse everything while I break down once more.
✨ I'm not crying, I'm not crying. Who am I kidding, yes I am. :(
✨ Poor Rémy. I feel like if anyone, Céline could really have helped him. I hope e realizes that sooner than later. I also hope Céce got home safely because if now we will never forgive Rémy. Will we?
✨ Any thoughts on this chapter? I'd love to know.