Swasti's pov
After dropping Vihaan at the location he left the car, we both proceeded towards the ginormous palace.
The palace was in silence filled with tension as thick as it was since morning. Walking into the palace we realized that there were barely any people there, except those who assisted in its well being. I climbed up to ma's room as vihaan went to my room which right now had become "our" room.
I knocked on the door, but no response followed, so I knocked twice, still no luck. I was curious and pushed open the door to find an empty room, surrounded by an echo, filled with silence. Feeling confused, I rushed back down and talked to one of the helpers. She said ma was in the backyard and so I walked there to find her resting there under the ocean blue sky, dressed with sparkling stars. I sat next to her as her eyes also sparkled like the stars when she glanced at me.
Ma; Swasti!(She whispered before hugging me) I swear please listen to me once swasti!(She said in a begging tone)
I just nodded as she gave me a HUGE smile and broke the hug.
Swasti; Ma, I don't know what u have to explain, but please know that I really don't think so I'll be able to forgive u and move on like nothing ever happened no matter what the reason is, cuz one thing I know is that I was a child and still am ur child, I deserve love which to be honest I've never received from u, and its been 24 years ma, its not something I can forget and move on, alright?( I said softly)
Ma; I know swasti, I just want to clear everything, i know I've been a horrible mother to you and nothing I say to u will be excusable, but I have alot to explain( She looked at me for permission to continue as I just nodded)
Swasti, u said that I'm selfish, I gave away sachit because I was pregnant with him without marriage, that's not true, I don't care about my reputation, either today or that time, one day my reputation had to be crumbled and I knew that, and if I did care about what people think of me so much, I wouldn't have run away with ur father in the first place swasti, u think it was easy to run away from ur family at that time? I've still not been granted the chance to see ur maternal grandparents! I don't even know if they're alive or not, even when ur grandparents accepted me as their daughter-in-law and I came here, I have heard so many people taunt me, gossip about me cuz of the fact that I ran away. No one ever blamed ur papa for anything, cuz that generation was male-dominated, anything happened it was always the female at fault, yes ur papa was extremely supportive that time, but it isn't easy swasti, I was already struggling when My dad sent me to study far away from home, girls weren't allowed to study in that generation, it was my dad jinhone dil pe pathar rakh ke mujhe utni aazadi di, and on top of all this, I ran away with a boy!
You think my reputation wasn't affected that time? Infact not only mine but I'm still living with guilt of how much my parents must have had to hear from the society cuz of my deeds. They were ready to go against society's beliefs and neglect them by sending me far away into a field of higher studies into the most prominent universities around the world, and on top of that I ran away and indirectly proved the society's statement "bohot padhi likhi ladkiyan achi nahi hoti" right, my parents must have had to hear so much! It's not that I regret marrying ur papa, but the guilt I have for running away like that leaving my parents to hear the world taunt them is killing me internally!
Also if I cared so much of my reputation, I would have never called sachit in my room to discuss property, won't the truth reveal itself when sachit becomes the next heir, won't my image be crumbled now?
So it was never about my reputation or my image, whether I took sachit that time or now my reputation is going to be affected and I don't care about it anymore, especially not if I have to prioritise between my reputation and my children! But as I said earlier, everything was falling in place after long and we couldn't spoil it for both sides, the reason why ur grandparents had forgiven ur buaji was cuz of their grandchild, if they came to see no child the situation would have become worse , they would have thought that ur buaji lied and then even those tiny pieces of hope to be forgiven would have been crushed.
Swasti; What about u nd papa? How was it helpful to u both?( I asked, still dissatisfied)
Ma; Okay in this case I will agree that if ur grandparents found out that I was pregnant without marriage, they would have definitely not accepted me, so the best option for both of us was to hand sachit to ur buaji, it worked both way, moreover u have no idea how helpful ur buaji and fufaji were, from running away from Bali to America to making us settle down perfectly in America, they helped us significantly, something wayy beyond your imagination. They never failed to lend a hand, even though we went through slight problems, including financial loss. They made sure we felt loved and wanted, more like a heaven feel. It's very hard to find such a person in this world swasti, so as I said, it was the least we could do.
And we were planning that once everything cools down and me nd ur papa r married we will bring back sachit but it never happened, he became too close to ur buaji and fufaji and vice-versa that it felt wrong to take him back at that point, yes u were right, we had a chance to bring sachit back, to be his parents and being a mother nothing was impossible, at this place I will accept that u are right but the reason to not bringing him back was not because of my reputation. It was mainly cuz me and my papa couldn't bring ourselves to take sachit away from the people he was attached to since birth.
Swasti; So u agree u were wrong here!( I voiced as I looked her in the eye)
Ma; I agree! They r many more places where I'm wrong dear, but just know one thing swasti, in life not everything can be categorised into right and wrong, u will come thru so many situations whereby the decisions u make are neither accepted nor denied. They just can't be expressed but somewhere inside u, u know what ur doing, u don't know if its right or wrong but it's what seems to be the best at that moment. I really don't know how to express this swasti but I can definitely guarantee u, they will be one day, one time, one situation, when u grow up to understand my words and make that one decision in life that will maybe raise an opportunity to an answer in future or will remain constant to you on whether it was worth the push or not.!( She explained as she glanced at me, wearing a serious face, that determined her honesty upon this.)
As she said, I didn't understand what she just said,like I understood abit abit only.
Swasti; Is there anything else left to let out?(I interrogated after a few seconds)
Ma; Yes, still alot! You asked what I have done for u right?(I nodded) waise toh ek ma kabhi Gina thi nahi about what all she has done for her child, but if u really want to know, then listen, u know when u were only 5 months old u caught pneumonia, u had high fever, as well as uncontrollable breathing problems, also unusual coughs! Ur papa called a doctor immediately and we had to admit u to the hospital! Ur condition was a serious one, decreasing your chances of survival. I couldn't stop crying. You were admitted for 3 days, ur fever high continuously. I spent those 3 days awake, day and night, I dint close sleep for a blink, Tumhare piche meri jaan laga di thi mene. As the fourth day arrived, your fever reduced significantly and after checkup, you were discharged. As two weeks passed, I never failed to abandon you as I had made sure that your fever must settle down completely. Thise 2 weeks felt like a game changer to me. I know I've never told u I love you, I have never even done something to prove that, and I'm realising my mistakes now, I've always been thinking u r good on ur own u don't need my assistance but I failed to understand that u needed me the MOST in each nd every step of ur life, nd I left u alone to pave ur own way out not by choice but by default, even when it wasn't necessary.
Honestly, I'm feeling really guilty swasti, I know even my apologies wouldn't fix anything, but I would give my life away to be able to express the amount of guilt I'm held hostage to swasti!
And it's true, it's completely true I never supported u in ur achievements, but I have my reasons dear.
As I said, this generation and that generation were completely different. It wasn't a piece of cake when I came back, each nd every single relative u have right now had been against the decision of me nd ur papa getting married. Udaipur itself was against me! I've suffered alot swasti! In each and every step of my life after I returned to Udaipur was like walking on burning coal barefoot, infact even worse! Sitting in the mandap doing the rituals as u hear a group of ladies gossip right behind u calling u characterless and a witch that has done black magic on the Prince of Udaipur, is not easy! All this shit that the world says right now "ignoring is a bliss" and "mind ur own business" was not there back then, many even used me as an example as to y girls should not be educated too much!
Marrying ur papa wasn't a mistake, not at all, but yes, the method we used was definitely one that I'm still regretting about!
If u think my life was all "happily ever after" after getting married then no! Ur own grandmother, despite agreeing to let her son marry me, didn't miss a single chance to taunt me after marriage, I was a middle-class girl thrown to be a Princess and the future queen, the amount of hate I have received is something completely beyond ur imagination, yes ur papa was of great support, but sometimes the words some people say pierce my heart in such a manner that there is no remedy to heal it swasti!
Ofc, who will know it better than me? Credits to my ex-husband btw!(swasti thought)
I wasn't a rajkumari and settling down here was truly another journey i had to embark on, especially with everyone around u hating u to the core, I was always reminded of how I'm not capable enough of becoming queen and to be in the palace itself.
Which is y, I tried to make YOU the best rajkumari, I was strict with u all time trying to discourage u in any activities that were not suitable for a rajkumari, I never wanted to give someone a chance to tell u anything, I didn't want u to sail through a journey like mine, I didn't want to hear a single comment abt u from the world. I wanted my daughter to be the best of best, me and ur papa had tons of arguments regarding my behaviour towards u, but I always fought back saying ur my daughter just as much as ur his, I know what I'm doing, I'm a mother afterall, but today when u actually raged and vented everything out, that moment looking at u made me realize how wrong I was, how wrong I have always been, today looking at u made me realize that u r so strong, so I can't explain...um....capable... u r literally the definition of perfect, every single parent would want a daughter like u, and all this is not cuz of me, its cuz of ur papa, the person who truly understood ur potential and I failed, I was the person who was cutting ur wings in every step of ur life, I didn't realize when I started forcing my decisions on u. I had always thought that I was shaping you into a better person, but I was wrong. You're already a perfect rajkumari, infact, you're an Independent, young, strong and highly spirited woman!(She expressed in a proud gesture, with eyes filled with water waiting to trickle down her cheeks)
Swasti, all I can say is SORRY!! Sorry for being a nuisance and not understanding your problems that were much similar to mine.I know this apology cannot compensate all those years I have failed to be a mother you dreamed of, but the least I can do right now is this, but please, one thing I really need u to know is..I've always loved u swasti, I have always tried to look after u.... it's only that I chose a more problematic path, a method sinned upon. I diverted u to walk on a lane that u never really needed! I was forcing my dreams on YOU.
( By this time Ma had broken down as my soft beating heart felt the guilt she faced)
Swasti; Ma!(I hugged her tightly as my eyes also watered)
I let her cry in my arms for a while before she calmed down and I pulled away.
Swasti; It's true that I am here cuz of papa, but somewhere along the lane if I'm a good princess then the credit does go to u. I'm not saying u were right, but all those efforts u put in had to bring a result afterall, I'm not going to sugar-coat my words ma, atleast not today, yes ur apology is not enough to compensate all those years of my life and honestly I can't suddenly bring myself to love u unconditionally like I used to, atleast not when I've just found out how much I have actually hate u my entire life, but at the same time if I try putting myself In ur shoes, I'd understand the pressure put on you as you paved way towards escaping a nightmare. But I can't ma, no matter what, I AM ur daughter and the part that made me your daughter doesn't allow this to be an excuse, even when I try to think in ur perspective, the daughter in me always finds a way to kick in and give a reason y YOU r not reasonable, all I can say is, I can't look at u the same way ever again but all the love and passion I've had and still have for you won't just fade away in one go. I love u ma, I really do, but I love u as the woman u r, if I am strong than so r u to stick around all the troubles u faced after ur marriage, but I can't love u as my mother( I said to her caressing her hand then looking at our hands, making sure no eye contact or I would cry)
Ma; U r absolutely right swasti, I don't even blame u dear, I know I've been the wrong one here, but one thing I can surely do from now onwards, is atleast try to be a mother, I'll make sure that one day, u will love me as ur MOTHER swasti!(She said gently with a tone of determination and slight pain)
Swasti; Come here ma!(I said giving a small smile, rubbing the tear that was to drop and pulling ma into a hug)
Today is a sweet nd sour day, I finally vented everything I had in me nd so learned much about the women in my arms, it felt perfect, yet incomplete and will always stay that way.
The person I miss the most right now is papa, between all these confessions one thing was for sure. Papa has truly been a great man, yes I'm still hurt that he hid the fact about sachit bhai from me but I can't deny the fact about how much he actually loved me, as words can't express my gratitude towards him, we shared an unconditional and unbreakable bond, his absence was irking my heart.
A few moments of thinking later, I felt another arm embrace me and noticed sachit bhai.
It felt different, yet so comforting. I'm really curious to start a conversation with SachitBhai soon enough,but something tells me that now isn't the right time.
I've always considered sachit bhai as my real brother, but now that i know that he IS my real brother, it feels abit unsettling, u can't expect me to just suddenly set in right? However I beleive it will be quite easier to accept the truth since I have never thought of him as my cousin. A strange feeling always kept me connected to him, just like that of twin telepathy! It was like my heart knew he IS my real brother, but my brain interfered the connection with "you share everything with him that's y"
My feelings all mixed with a combination of awkwardness, anger, somewhere inside me happiness and many more unexpressable emotions.
But look at the irony, I'll never experience a complete family ever in my life, and this fact kind of fueled my burning anger kept deep within me, reason being this specific secret that I was completely unaware of.
I was the first one to break this incomplete "family hug" as I saw the other 2 wipe off their fresh tears.
Swasti; Ma, Sachit bhai, we still have something more to discuss not today but the fact still lies that u have betrayed me by not letting me know about my own brother! And I really don't think so I can forgive both of u or anyone that knew about this!( I said in a serious tone)
Sachit; Tomorrow(He promised as he nodded)
Swasti; I'll take my leave for today. I doubt my body is capable of dealing with any more drama (I sighed)
They obliged as I wished them goodnight and made my way to the terrace where my special secret place lies. I didn't want to see Vihaan's face cuz I'm in no mood to have an argument, hence rejected the idea of going to my room.
Just when I had settled down, I got a call from mom, I didn't want to talk to anyone but I had got a missed call from her earlier as well so I couldn't turn it down again.
Swasti:Hello!(I greeted mom)
Mom; Hi dear! How are u?(She asked concerned)
Well I'm not okay at all nd my life is a complete mess, 50% cuz of my own mother nd family and the other 50% cuz of my ex-husband. I really wanted to let out a scream towards anyone who asked me how I am, but I held myself hostage from these grudges cuz its not mom's fault, and she's genuinely concerned.
Swasti; I'm okay mom, how r u?(I lied with a dry throat)
Mom; I'm okay too, I just called to check upon u, I hope I'm not annoying u, I understand if ur bus-(I cut her)
Swasti; No no mom, not at all, don't even think that ur annoying me, earlier i was abit busy that's why I couldn't pick up!(I softly voiced)
Mom; Ohh, and is Shikhsha ji okay?
Swasti; Yh ma Is also okay, how were Ritika's exams?(I asked, gladly remembering she had exams)
Mom; They ended just yesterday as per her perspective, she really loved them! The results are most likely to be announced next month. For now she's on a short break for 2 weeks (she replied in a calm manner)
Swasti; That's great! (I replied back as comfortable silence set in)
Mom; Swasti (She called me softly)
Swasti; Yes?
Mom; If there is anything u want to share, I'm always there alright?(She told me with motherly tone)
I almost decided to tell her everything, luckily ALMOST, I didn't actually spill the tea.
Swasti; Thank you mom!(I genuinely voiced)
Mom; no problem sweetie, u must be tired, i'll call u later alright?
Swasti; Yes, good night! (I wholeheartedly wished her, which she returned)
After I cut the call, I glanced at the city lights as I let the cold breeze sway upon my body to calm my nerves.
As I stared at the flashing lights of the city, I thought through my entire life and how messed up it was. My life was simple, my only aim was to become a CEO that's it!
Then came marriage, honestly marriage was still fine if it was done with the right person, here I was married to some dude with fucked up mind all cuz of a fucked up bitch.
Honestly speaking I don't even feel bad for him, it was his fault, HE chose that bitch over his own damn friends and sister, so serves him right for being such an idiot!
Looking at him makes me feel so proud i avoided such toxic relationships with anyone, okay fine, not LITERALLY!
The main reason was cuz I was too busy working my ass off to become the CFO and after I become one the next goal was CEO, nd any normal human being doesn't just become a ceo, it takes alot of time,patience and hardwork. For me I will agree I was quite lucky to have one of the best businessmen as my father so I had seeked his guidance all the time to reach to where I am right now.
Whenever I think of vihaan the only thing that comes to my mind is that he's a duffer, its even so hard to beleive he set up his own business and it runs well, but then again, revenge is a hard feeling , which is why he is such a great businessman right now or else I doubt he would have been anywhere, I mean no offense to him but today God has decided to make me speak the truth so if that's what he wants then listen!
Moreover I feel so angry and fed up on literally EVERYONE in my life which also includes ME!!! I don't get why I married such a pathetic asshole and ruined my life, I mean why should it be me clearing his mess? I wasn't even supposed to be in the picture bro, it was about him and that hoe, what the hell am I doing there????
Nd u know what's even more upsetting? That I had a chance, I literally had the chance to call off the wedding, I had so many chances ever since that engagement, it wasn't like I was put on a gunpoint to get married, all ma-papa wanted was to see me married but to who wasn't specified right?
At this point I don't even know what I have been thinking about the whole time I was married, infact I can't beleive me- THE SWASTI SINGH went thru all this, like I let him disrespect me, hurt me, manhandle me, ruin my life and all this time I spent on nothing but crying, and even after all this I was still ready to give him a chance and was internally hoping he would grab the hint!!! Like I want to slap myself at this point if that was ever possible, the swasti I have been this entire period ever since my engagement was just clearly not me, I'm known to be a nightmare, a bitch infront of whom u will rather invite the devil, but I have no idea where that swasti went since that engagement when the truth is, I should have been even more bitchy ever since my engagement, like literally no one gets to joke with ME especially when my self-respect's at stake! And this entire time he has been crushing it like a scrunched up piece of paper(surprisingly, I even let him!)
And when I think of the excuse I gave myself, I'm starting to think about being a sucidal. I was telling myself that I need to do this for my family the whole time, and what did my family do??
So practically looking at it, I ruined my ENTIRE life for my family that never even bothered to consider me worthy enough to let me know that I have a brother for 24 years of my life infact even today when I know about it, it was all cuz of an accident, if I hadn't eavesdrop, who knows, I would have died without knowing about this just like my grandparents!
Putting all this in a practical manner is really helping me confirm my decision on taking suicide as my only hope.
Above all this, even after my marriage each and every person decided to come talk to ME to save mine and vihaans relationship, like bro ur very dear Vihaan is the one that made me the victim here in the first place, so like go talk to ur laadla to do the same before coming to me, i mean okay he went thru a heart break, I understand but the same way u r telling me to give my best in this relationship u could have explained it to him too right, to move on, try to give chance to this new relationship blah blah blah!
Like, I can't be the only one trying, I'm a human being too and it wasn't my fault that I didn't go thru any heart break like him but no where does it say that I'm problem-free in this journey we call life.
Moreover, I will never ever forgive vihaan for the way he has treated me, I know he is guilty about it now but he really had no right to disrespect ANY woman the way he did just cuz of some misunderstanding that was dead-ass clear was not true!
At some point in my life Im still crying that I have divorced him, it still hurts me somewhere inside me, despite knowing that our relationship was nothing but toxic, but I know it was the best decision ever to be made, even if its hard, it's what is the best and I NEED to bring back the swasti I have always been, I can't let myself be who I have been in this marriage, my entire life.
On top of all this, i have so much stress and problems right now, Bhai is the right owner of the property, I know I'm very angry with everyone, but that doesn't make me hate Sachit bhai that I don't give him what he deserves, honestly I'm not someone who actually says this, if u ask me me my unfiltered belief it would be that Sachit bhai doesn't deserve a single penny, cuz when it's time for the property is when he is called, but it's my love for him moreover it wasn't even him asking for the property, he didn't even want to discuss about it at all nd atleast he did consider that I should now know the truth unlike ma.
Which is why I'm ready to give him everything but I don't think so I'm ready to give up being the CEO of all KKS companies, I have worked my entire life for this and having the practical genes of papa in me, its harsh but its the truth that I can go upto any extent to get the KKS companies, I don't care about the obstacles ahead of my decisions, cuz this is my dream, my right,my determination and hardwork, I wont let it go just like that, consider me cruel, a emotionless bitch or anything more, but this is what it is!
I know one thing for sure, Sachit bhai doesn't want a single penny but another thing I know again is that ma will make sure to give the property to him, I mean somewhere along the lane I can't blame her as well, she is a mother who stayed away from her son all this years, ofc if nothing she will atleast want her son to get what he deserves, however being a daughter, this sounds very biased and very heartbreaking, but I'm trying my best to ignore that as of now.
Another problem is, everyone needs to know about mine and Vihaan's divorce...hell, i don't even know how I'm going to face all this or when we r going to talk about this or what I'm supposed to even do right now, it was all in a rush, and the time wasn't right to bring all this up, tho the time right now is also not the best so this is another thing I need to discuss with vihaan.
One more thing is, when should I go back to Jaipur, I'm not dumb(I re-think this after talking about how dumb of a person I have been in my married life but envy 'em) Mom had obviously called to know when I'll be coming back now, I mean that wasn't exactly the topic, she did call to know about me but the side-topic was to know when I will be coming back, she didn't say it but I felt the message , more like my sixth-sense immediately got activated.
So yes, basically this is a summary of my life, full off drama, drama, drama nd more drama ofc! I really think that since my entire life I barely had to go through such problems, God decided to bring it altogether ever since I agreed to get married.
For now, I just sat back covering myself in my warm comfy blanket, gazing at the stars as I slowly drifted to sleep...
************************************
Hii guysss!!!
Late but long chapter!
Too much going on right?
Lately I got a comment stating how toxic vihaan is and the reader left the story mid-way, honestly I would agree that vihaan has been very toxic, but my book is a slow-going book(tho at times I feel I'm moving too fast), i'm strongly against toxic relationships and I wouldn't want my characters to suffer one, so please guys if any one of u feel the same then kindly have patience and if u feel its not possible for u and its too much, I won't mind if u stop reading my book, cuz personally I'm a reader too and I understand!
Another thing, the update was late cuz my sister left to Canada for further studies and its very hard for me to cope with it, I love my sister very much and she is another part of me, so I've been trying to not miss her so much, luckily technology such as WhatsApp exists(I would have died by now if it was never there), and I think it's getting better for me.
Moreover, my school has started and its been hectic since day 1, so I'm always too tired when I come home and even during the weekends I have so much to do that I barely get anytime, so please bare with it until I completly settle in and find a perfect way to manage my time😊
Stay tuned,
Byeee,
Thank you,
Radhika.