What We Do In the Shadows: "The Fiendish Plot of (human) Laszlo and Nadja Cravensworth"...
Summary: Back in the regular but sort of AU universe of WWDITS, you thought the season was about Guillermo. It wasn't. (Well, in this AU anyhow.)
Part IV...
"You, a Vampire Hunter by ancestry, a descendant of the noble Abraham Van Helsing! For shame, Giz, for shame." Ghost Laszlo shakes head.
"You drain people dry and leave them...Well for me to clean up...And it's Guillermo." Guillermo frowns.
"No, I do not." ghost Laszlo archly, intensifying his bluish glow. "For as you can now see...Guillermo, sorry...I am the ghost of human Laszlo Cravensworth, back from ...The Other World."
Huhhh....Guillermo, appropriately startled, then calming...
"What Other World?"
"The Other World, you moron."
"You mean like, Heaven? Or what?"
"Well, not exactly Heaven, though that is the stop of final destination, God...You did hear that, right?...Being a truly merciful sort of guy. I've up to now, excepting when we got summoned last year, been hovering round vampiral Laszlo in another, not exactly exciting, though pleasant enough excepting the viewing of the horrors my counterpart has committed, dimension...The Other World. And by the way, I have brought friends. Someone who's anxious to meet you. And someone who literally died meeting you."
Uh-oh...Guillermo, nervous.
"Great-great-grandnephew...You little prick!" a blue-glow surrounded form of a hearty and manly figure in 19th century broadcloth coat, open linen shirt to waist, with long, wavy hair and...Stake in left hand.
"Oh, no..." Guillermo gasps. "Great-great..."
"Yes, yes..." the ghost of Van Helsing impatiently waves hand. "I am the ghost of Abraham Van Helsing, your ancestor...And I am...Disappointed in you, boy."
"And hi..." glowing ghost of young woman appears. "I'm Edith Parker, I live...Used to...Downtown. You lured me to the mansion for a job interview as a part-time cleaner and your friends killed me?"
"Oh...Yeah..." Guillermo nods, hesitantly. "How are..."
"Not bad, not bad." Edith notes, brushing back brown hair. "My family took it a bit hard when I disappeared, though my stepfather was kinda mean about it... 'If the bitch wants to run off with some guy...' Geesh...I never...And he was the one who tried to come on to me, truth be told. How've you been?"
"Oh..." Gulp... "Fine..."
"Liar." She shook head. "Your soul is dark and heavy with your evil deeds. All the worse for being done voluntarily."
"Young lady..." Van Helsing interrupts. "Not meaning to curb you, but that's my admonition which I told you and Mr. Cravensworth of and it is my relative."
"Sorry...Please..." Edith waves.
"Yes. Well, Guillermo de la Cruz, do you know why your miserable attempt to join the Darkness has failed to date, in part?" Van Helsing sternly eyes Guillermo. "It's not the gay thing, some of my best friends..." he notes.
"Great. I don't know. I've been trying to find out. And it is my..."
"Living Death...Forever. For you, and your blackened soul, laden with your crimes..."
"Edith, dear...Those are Dr. Van Helsing's admonitions..." ghost Laszlo notes.
"Sorry, sorry...I was an amateur actress before I was gruesomely murdered. The lines are just so neat and Victorian." Edith shrugs.
"It's fine, but please..." Van Helsing puts up ghostly, glowing hand. "Guillermo, your soul is in dire peril. Nothing but the flames of Hell for those who pledge themselves to Evil."
"Evil? Well... Well, Laszlo and the others..." Guillermo tried.
"We were victims...More or less innocent souls ejected by our foul demonic essences." ghost Laszlo noted.
"I love that line." Edith beams. "Yeah, ejected by our foul demonic essences."
"Not you, dear." Van Helsing notes. "You never were transformed."
"Oh...Well, what happened to my foul demonic essence?"
"Never made it out of Hell, I imagine." Ghost Laszlo commented.
"Never? Poor thing." Edith sighs.
"Getting back to the point..." Van Helsing frowned. "Guillermo, your soul not your demonic essence has been cursed by the Darkness. It means eternal punishment for you...And not the fun kind that just gets boring on 'Twilight Zone' and such. Believe me, it's pretty bad. Plus, Hitler, Stalin, Jeffrey Dalmer? Not a really personable crew of mates to spend Eternity suffering with. And all because you couldn't deal with Life as it was. Oh, don't start, boy...I've heard all the stories. I was one of the first psychologists as well as a physician. 'My mother was cold and cruel, my father a rapist and brute, or an insensitive money-grubber, no one loved me...I was always the despised/neglected Outsider...Wah, wah, wah.'"
"Hey..." Guillermo frowns.
"But...I counseled Dracula to Redemption City, I can save you. If you'll be a man...And that has nothing withsoever to do with the gay thing, as I told you, some..."
"Yeah, yeah...Some of your best friends..." Guillermo waves a hand. "But it's too late. I'm transforming. Maybe I shouldn't have done it but..."
"Dude, you really shouldn't've. Even my counterpart didn't want to do it." Daryl's ghost now appeared, glowing as well.
"Say, this is really neat. I love this 'glow' thing." He noted.
"Derek?" Guillermo stared.
"Hey, Gui...What's up?" the ghost beams. "Me..." arch look as it floated up a few feet.
Ummn...As Van Helsing frowned. "But seriously, dude. Bad choice. Volunteer vampire? What were you thinking? And you a champion Vampire Hunter. A champion, man."
"But I've always wanted to be a vampire..." Guillermo, sheepishly.
"For what? Eternal life and power?" Van Helsing shook head. "To rape, murder, pillage?...Your friend Nandor did that as a human and his soul still has a chance at Heaven. No...You did it because Life was hard...Oooh...'My life is hard'. In my day, boy...We faced death and suffering at every corner. Not to mention awful food and terrible roads while traveling. Very little in the way of entertainment...And the streets in the cities...Cravensworth?"
"Awful, in my day...And in what I experienced via my counterpart in yours, Doctor. Horse shit, piss...Human as well. Few streetlights till 1879 on. Dreadful, most places."
"Fine, I get it. I'm a whiner." Guillermo sighs.
"Well...Even I didn't give up that way, Gui..." Derek's ghost notes. "And what with the Hunter thing, you had a way out...Kind of pathetic, man. Hey, there..." he'd noticed the hovering Edith. "I'm Derek."
"Edith." She beamed.
"Ok...Fine..." Guillermo eyed the floating ghosts.
Jesus, even Derek gets lucky in the Afterlife?
"But I did it and it is too late, right? Isn't it?"
"You know yourself you have not made it through the transformation. Have you bothered, in your selfish desire to acquire what you believed would be power and immortality and a bit less bullying, to consider why?" Van Helsing asked.
"Because I'm pathetic...I know." Guillermo sighs.
"Not at all, boy." Van Helsing, a bit more kindly now. "You have much to answer for but your soul is not lost completely. You can redeem yourself, shake off this curse, and become a decent human being with a chance...A chance, mind you...We don't stamp you a blank check...At Heaven."
"And Heaven's so great?" Guillermo, sourly.
"Heaven is whatever you wish it to be." Van Helsing, calmly. "For me, it's an eternity of chances to help others. And some wonderful trips and some very sweet romances." Beam.
"For others, it's wonderful in their own ways." He notes.
"Indeed." Laszlo's ghost beams. "I expect to enjoy a wonderful eternity with Nadja."
"So have you been to that club on Bell St...?" Derek asked Edith as they floated.
"So...Why do you want to help Laszlo and Nadja steal back their bodies?" Guillermo asked. "Why not just escort 'em to this great Heaven place?"
"Doesn't quite work that way, son." Ghost Laszlo noted, shaking head. "You see, although our demonic essences are the guilty parties, they are a part of us...Our subconscious dreams and desires, our 'dark side', if you like."
"Thanks for not saying 'Id'." Van Helsing notes, smiling. "I always disagreed with young Sigmund on that notion. I always maintained that we're aware of our subconscious desires, to some extent. And time and Death have proved me right."
"Well, anyway..." ghost Laszlo continued. "We are to some extent responsible, so we still must do our share of atonement. And of course we all have our little voluntary sins...Minor stuff, really. But it all goes on the Redemption Bill and it does add up. However, for a voluntary would-be vampire and assistant murderer like you...Ouch. Call Sin Debt Relief today!" nod.
"I'm afraid that is the case, Guillermo. You have foully sinned." Abraham sighs. "And it is a heavy shame to me and to all your ancestors. But you can redeem yourself yet."
"Yes..." Another figure, not glowing...A handsome, erect, grey-haired figure in homburg hat and elegant overcoat had come quietly up the street from his parked Lexus. "If Dracula can escape his fate and achieve at least the road to Redemption, you can too, my boy." Smile.
"Yes. I am...Dracula. And welcome to your hope for Redemption." The man nodded.
"So...You finding the 'Other World' nice?" Edith asked Derek who shrugged.
"It's ok. Nice to be back here though, for a bit."
"Yeah. So the club's on Bell St.? Is it mostly jazz or..."
...
"Darling...?" Laszlo, vampiral, looked about the Cravensworths' crypt...Actually a rather dank basement room. "Nadja? You in your coffin, dear?" he tapped the coffin.
"Oh, hi." Human-soul Nadja in vamp Nadja's body had entered the crypt. "Just had to go kill someone, got a bit hungry after all our intense sex when you fell asleep."
"Ah...Something yummy and virginal?" Laszlo, pleasantly.
"Oh, yes. Delicious young lady. Dumped her in a garbage bin. Harsh laws about trash here on our Staten Island, you know." She nodded, rather fervently.
Cut to Nadja on couch, in more or less, living, room...
"Had to take a leak and shit. Consequences of being almost human again." Smile. "But how do you like my clever disguise?" shows plastic fangs.
...