Confession
Mabilis na nilisan ko ang library. Nagmamadali akong naglalakad sa hallway nakasalubong ko pa ang iilan sa myembro ng organization na sinalihan ko pero hindi ko na nagawang bumati pa. I couldn't calm myself while waiting vehicles to stop on the road because I'm gonna cross. The St. Anthony is just near our campus that's why I'm just walking. Nanginginig ang mga binti ko habang tumatakbo papasok sa loob ng hospital.
"Where's the room of Silas Henley Abella miss?" I immediately ask the receptionist on the reception when I enter inside while catching my breath.
Nakita ko na pinasadahan nito ako ng tingin bago sumagot. She look in her mid 30's she's wearing a white cloth so I conclude she is a nurse but I'm not sure though. Not all wearing a white clothes are nurse.
"Kaano-ano ka niya ba?" Her eyebrows rised up.
Napatigil ako sa kan'yang tanong hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot sa kan'ya. Dahil ako mismo ay hindi ko rin alam kung ano nga ba kami ni Silas. We look like a couple but in reality we really not.
"A f-friend." I hesitate to answer.
She gave me another look before answering my question earlier. She lowered her gazed.
"Room 18." She uttered.
"Thank you."
I left immediately after thanking her. Nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko habang naglalakad papunta sa room ni Silas. At nanunuot ang kaba sa aking kalamnan. I just hope he's fine. Napatigil ako nang marating ko na ang room 18 na sinasabi ng babae kanina. I remain in front of the door seemed afraid of what I would see when I opened it. I heaved a deep sigh before I decided to open it.
The white room welcome my sight and there is a bed in the middle of the room where Silas is lying. Napatikip ako sa bibig nang makita ang kalagayan niya. There's an apparatus hanging on his body. Nakapikit ang dalawang mata nito na tila nasa mahimbing na pagkakatulog. Walang tao sa silid maliban sa kan'ya.
I gently closed the door and went to his bed. Merong nakadikit na head bandage sa kan'yang ulo. I seated on the wooden chair beside the bed. Napatitig ako sa kan'yang maamong mukha. A tear escaped my eyes while looking at his state. I held his resting hand on the bed.
"M-Magpagaling ka Silas please... I promise I won't hurt you anymore. Magpagaling ka lang..." Napayuko ako habang pinapalis ang mga luhang pumapatak sa aking mga mata.
Even his hand was wet because of my tears. I caress gently his hand. Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang ginagawa ko iyon. Ipinagsalikop ko ang kamay naming dalawa. Now my feelings are clearer. I like him so much. Hindi naman ako malulungkot at iiyak ng ganito kung hindi ko siya gusto.
I like him I'm just in denial because I am afraid where this feelings will take me. Kaya pinaniwala ko na lamang ang sarili na hindi ko siya gusto pero ang totoo ay gustong-gusto ko siya. Masyado kasing mataas ang kalagayan ng pamilya niya. Natatakot ako na hindi ako tanggapin ng pamilya niya lalo na nang makita at makilala ko ang mga ito.
I kept our hands interwined for a few minutes. Ano man ang magiging kahihinatnan ng naramdaman kong ito ay tatangapin ko na lang. I will not hold back anymore. I will not stop my feelings to him. Masyado na akong pagod para gawin pa iyon lalo na't makita siya kalagayang ito.
I won't think about what others have to say if they know about us. Tama na ang ilang beses pagtutulak ko kay Silas papalayo. He didn't deserve all of it. He deserve to be loved. He deserve the pure love.
After I visited him in the hospital I go back to the campus because I have still classes. I was busy writing on my yellow paper when Allen called my name. Napatingin ako sa gawi nito. He's smiling when our eyes met that made my forehead furrowed.
"What?" I asked.
Lumapad ang ngiti nito sa labi. Our facilitator didn't show up from the room but he gave us a task. It's an 500 words essay.
"Gala tayo ulit pagkatapos ng klase. Punta tayo ng sm meron daw show don." He giggled.
"I can't sorry. I have plans." Mabilis ang naging iling ko sa paanyaya niya.
I will visit Silas in the hospital again that's why I won't go with him. Napasimangot ang mukha nito sa naging sagot ko. Bumalik ako sa pagsusulat sa papel. I'm already in last part of my essay which is the conclusion. Kaagad kong ipinasa sa nag-co-collect ng papel namin nang matapos ako. I was the first one who finished the essay among us.
I said goodbye to Allen that I will leave first before I stepped out from the classroom. I tide my hair while walking on the corridors of cm building. Napansin ko na medyo mahaba na pala iyon. I forgot to cut it before the second sem starts. Wala naman akong ginawa nong break namin pero nakalimutan ko pang pagupitan iyon.
Maybe I will cut it when the second sem ends. I didn't let my hair grow long. Hindi ko talaga iyon pinapalagpas sa balikat ko dahil hindi ko gusto para sa akin ay nakakaabala iyon lalo na pag may ginagawa ako. Ngayon lang talaga lumagpas sa balikat ko ang buhok ko.
I get passed the hospital already but I will not go straight there because I will go to the market first. I'm gonna buy some fruits.
"How much is the orange po?" I politely ask the woman selling the fruits.
"Ten pesos ang isang piraso ma'am." Sagot ng tindera sa akin.
Nakita ko pa ang pagpasada niya ng tingin sa akin mula ulo hanggang paa. I just awkwardly smile because her stare made me uneasy. She looks like reading me.
"U-Uhmm 5 pieces po." I muttered.
"How about the apple po?" Tanong ko ulit.
"25 ma'am. Foreigner ka ba ma'am?" She asked.
My mouth parted of her question. I don't know why she asked that. Maybe because I am speaking in english.
"U-Uhmm no po." I said shyly.
"Ah akala ko kasi foreigner ka ma'am." She handed me the plastic cellophane.
"Akala mo lang po." Ngumiti ako sa kan'ya bago umalis.
Tumawid ako sa pedestrian lane. Nakikita ko ang mga estudyante na naglalakad sa gilid ng kalsada na abala sa sarili nilang ginagawa. Some are talking with their friends while laughing. While some are just walking quietly minding their own businesses.
Napatingin ako sa magkaibigan na malakas ang tawanan habang naglalakad. I can't deny that I feel a little bit of jealous because I don't have much friends. Si Allen lang yata ang pinakaclose kung kaklase sa ngayon. And now I treat him as my friend but I'm still thankful to him tho. Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang makasalubong ko si Ellaine banda sa gaisano market.
"Hi Eris! Pauwi ka na ba?" Masigla n'yang bati sa akin habang nakangiti nang malapad.
Agad ko namang sinuklian ang ngiti niya sa akin. She's really nice even we're not that close she always great me with her usual wide smile. Minsan lang naman kami nagkausap pero para'ng ang gaan na agad ng loob ko sa kan'ya. Maybe she's really good person that's why I am comfortable talking to her.
"Hello! Hindi pa may dadalawin pa ako sa hospital. How about you?" Hindi ko talaga mapantayan ang pagiging energetic nito.
Ni wala namang kastress-stress sa katawan. She always look happy whenever I saw her. Na para'ng bang palagi siyang nag-eenjoy sa ginagawa niya. Kahit yata exam week ay masaya at masigla pa rin ito. I saw her one time during the midterms but she's not stressed out like her classmates. She is still fresh and lively after the exam while her classmates were like wilted vegetables.
"Oh? Whoever it is I hope he or she get well soon. I'm not going home yet. I will go to the pads to run some errands. Btw I will be going first, the pads might close." She waved her hands after bidding goodbyes.
I just smile at her while looking at her leaving. Nagsimula na rin akong maglakad muli nang makita na papalayo na ang pigura nito. Pagbukas ko ng pintuan ay wala na pa ring tao sa silid ni Silas maliban sa aming dalawa. They didn't visit him? Why there's no one in here? Hindi ba dapat ay may nagbabantay sa kaniya rito?
Ipinatong ko sa puting lamesa ang dalang prutas na binili ko sa lipunan. I seated on the chair and stared at Silas that laying down on the bed. I run my hands on his messy and curly hair. Masyado ng mahaba ang kan'yang buhok kailangan na iyong pagupitan. Hinimas-himas ko ang kan'yang malambot na buhok. I'm quite surprise that it grows healthy. Mas babae pa ngang tingnan ang buhok nito kaysa sa akin. Even it's long and curly it's very soft.
Lumakbay ang kamay ko sa kan'yang mukha. He look like he was just sleeping peacefully. Hinawi ko ang ilang hibla ng kan'yang buhok na tumatabon sa noo at mata nito.
"You should wake up Silas. P-Paano kita sasagutin kung nakahilata ka lang d'yan sa kama? I t-thought you would prove to me that you really like me? So, h-how could you if you're just gonna lay t-there? K-Kaya gumising ka na please ilang araw ka na d'yan na nakahiga..." I said shuttering.
Nagsimulang nagtuloan ang mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Napasinghot ako habang hinahaplos ang kan'yang mukha hindi ko na napigilan pang humikbi.
The nurse told me that it's been a 10 hours since the operation had passed already but he still didn't wake up. Okay naman daw ang naging operasyon pero hindi pa rin ito gumigising. Kaya ano ang problema? And his family isn't even here to pay him a visit.
Even it's just a quick glimpse? Hindi nila magawa? How could they do this to their own child? Ngayon naintindihan ko na may ganoon talagang mga magulang na kayang pabayaan ang kanilang anak. At kayang tiisin ito. I shifted my right hand to his hand resting on the bed. Marahan ko itong hinaplos habang nakatitig sa maaliwalas niyang mukha.
"Ang gwapo mo pala." I shifted my eyes to his hand when I felt his finger moved.
"You just realize that now?" My mouth parted in appalled when Silas speak.
Agad akong napatingin sa kaniya. Napahawak ako sa aking bibig habang pinagmamasdan siyang bumangon. He's now back to his usual self with his playful smile and annoying smirk. Nang mabalik ako sa ulirat ay pinigilan ko siyang bumangon dahil hindi pa siya lubusang magaling. He needs a lot of rest.
"Don't move, yet. You still need to run some test." I motion him to just lay down on the bed but the idiot just smirk at me.
My forehead furrowed while looking at him smirking. What's so funny? What he's smirking?
"What?" Medyo irita na ang tono dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang kilos nito.
But he didn't speak. His eyes drifted to our hands that interwined and then a small smile appeared in his lips when he looked at me. My face were crimson after the realization hits me. Shet! Nakakahiya! Mabilis kong kinalas ang kamay ko sa kan'ya ngunit hindi ko ito naalis ng tuluyan dahil masyadong mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya rito.
"So, what now?" Nangingiti niyang saad.
My eyebrows arked of his question.
"What do you mean?"
Napakamot ito sa ulo sa naging tanong ko sa kan'ya. Ano bang ibig niyang sabihin? I couldn't understand him.
"I wake up already. So, you will now agree that I'm gonna court you again? U-Uhmm I heard you saying that a while ago. You shouldn't break what you said."
I couldn't speak because of surprise that he heard it. I thought he was in a deep sleep. Kaya hindi ko inakala na maririnig niya pala iyon.