Maeve's pov
The morning after I found out, I got out of bed and called a place I knew of to make an appointment.
" Hello, this is West Elm Mental Health, Trish speaking, how can I help you today?" The receptionist answered.
" Hi, I was wondering if you do anger management therapy here?" I asked semi-quietly as to not wake Mari up.
" Sure do, would you like to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists here? We have a few taking new patients." Trish replied.
" Yes please." I replied trying to not get anxious.
I told her my insurance information and she said it was covered there so we could move forward with making an appointment.
" Okay so the soonest I could get you in is Friday with Melissa Stein. Your options would be the 8:00 am session or the 4:00 pm session. Would either of those work for you?" She asked me.
" Uh yeah the 8:00 am works, I'm working during the other slot." I said and noticed Mari come out of the bedroom groggily.
" Great, I'll write you down for that slot. Can I get your name again? I don't remember if you told me." Trish asked.
" It's Maeve, Maeve Marquez." I answered.
" Alrighty, see you 8:00 am on Friday Maeve, please bring your Id and insurance card." She told me.
" Sounds good, thank you, goodbye." I said and waited for her to hang up.
" What was that about?" Mari asked as she poured some orange juice into a glass and came to sit by me.
" I have an appointment for Friday." I said as I leaned back on the couch anxious but relieved.
" Really? That's so great love." She said smiling. " And I was thinking about it, I should probably see someone too."
" Great, let's do it. I don't think my place takes your insurance but let's do a little research and figure it out." I said as I opened my laptop.
The two of us browsed until we found a good match and I called and made Mari her appointment which would be three days after mine, on that Monday.
" This is good." Mari said. " Thank you."
" Of course and I agree, this is good." I replied.
As the next couple of days passed I found myself trying really hard to not get angry with things but it was hard.
On Thursday Mari relapsed.
" I need to tell you something." She said when I got back from work.
I told myself to take a big breath so I did, before I replied as calmly as I could. " Okay, what's going on?"
" I cut myself again today. I'm sorry Maeve. I tried not to, really I did, but the urge was just too much to bear. I just wanted to be upfront." She told me as tears began to fill her eyes.
I pulled her in for a hug so she didn't have to see me clench my jaw. I told myself to comfort her now and get angry later, alone, because I couldn't yell at her again, it would destroy her.
" It's alright love, thank you for telling me. Did you clean and bandage them?" I asked, trying to focus on her injuries and not my emotions.
" Yeah I did. I didn't want to make you do it again." She replied and pulled up her sleeve to show me that she had done as such.
" That's good, you did good." I said inspecting the bandage lightly. " If you need my help I'm here to help though okay, just know that you don't make me do anything, I want to help you if that's what you need."
" Thanks baby." She said. " So you aren't mad?"
I physically bit my tongue to avoid saying yes.
" No baby, I'm not mad. I'm just glad you're okay." I said.
It's not that I wanted to be mad at her, or thought her actions deserved my anger, I just was, but I was at least happy I didn't let her find that out.
That night after Mari fell asleep I finally was able to release my anger. I quietly went into the living room and out the back door onto the small porch.
I sat on the chair wanting to scream but knowing I couldn't, so I looked around for things to punch. I then realized there was nothing for me to punch that I wouldn't break, and then Mari would find out, so I had to think outside the box.
I looked down and realized there was something I could hit that wouldn't break, myself. I quickly looked through the window to make sure Mari was still in the bedroom and then repeatedly punched my thighs until I felt release.
I started to cry when I realized that I was a hypocrite. There I was getting angry at Mari for hurting herself when I had just done the same thing. This only made me angrier so I did it more and more until I was too exhausted to continue.
I went back inside and silently climbed back into bed with Mari.
In the morning my alarm went off at 7:00am. It woke Mari up too but I just kissed her and told her to go back asleep. She did online work so she didn't really have to get up early.
I went into the bathroom to shower and as I took my clothes off I saw bruises on my legs. A lot of them. I felt disgusted with myself, but weirdly proud, proud that I took my problems out on myself and not Mari.
I got ready quickly and by 7:30 I was ready to head out.
" See you after I get off tonight love." I said and kissed Mari goodbye.
" Hope your appointment goes well!" She sleepily called out to me as I left the room.
I drove to the place and got checked in with the receptionist. When eight o'clock came around my name was called.
" For Maeve." An older woman in her late fifties to early sixties said.
I got up from my seat and followed her back. She led me into a room and told me to sit down on the couch so I sat.
" I'm Melissa, nice to meet you." She said and I reciprocated with a "you too". "So I heard you're looking for anger management tools, tell me about your anger Maeve."
" Well I've sort of always gotten angry really easily, but I didn't notice how bad it's gotten until recently. I'd find myself yelling at my girlfriend more and being really mean, and this week I found out she cuts herself and I went off on her when I should've been comforting. I just, I need to stop." I answered ashamed.
" I understand how that might be a bothersome situation Maeve. Can I ask, has your anger ever led to physical violence? So like throwing things, breaking stuff, hitting? Any of that?" Melissa asked me calmly.
" No, well." I said stopping mid sentence.
" Well what? You can talk to me, I get payed to help not judge." She assured me.
" Well before last night no. Usually yelling helps me release all my anger and then I feel better, but my girlfriend told me she cut herself again yesterday and I didn't want to explode on her so I held in my anger until she fell asleep." I said getting anxious at the thought of continuing.
" And what happened after she fell asleep? Did you break something?" Melissa inquired.
" No I, I went outside and looked for something to punch but I knew everything out there I would break if I punched it, and I didn't want my girlfriend to find out, so I punched myself. Repeatedly. And then I felt like a hypocrite for getting mad at her hurting herself when that's exactly what I did, so I did it some more." I rambled.
" Did you feel anything else after? Other than anger?" She asked me.
" Yes actually, I felt proud. I was proud that I'd finally taken my anger out on myself rather than my girlfriend, or someone else. I know that's wrong, but it's true." I admitted.
" Okay." Melissa said as she scribbled stuff down on her.
" It sounds to me like a lot of your anger comes from self hatred." She said and I looked at her surprised. " Let's use your outburst at your girlfriend as an example. What were the things that made you mad?"
" Well I was mad because I thought she was cheating on me because she was being quiet and secretive, but it turns out she was cutting herself and so I got mad at her for that too." I explained confusion on where things were going.
" So the cheating thing. Has she ever cheated before, do you think she is the type to do that?" Melissa asked me.
" No, she's not." I replied.
" Then could your anger possibly stem from insecurity, thinking you weren't good enough for her so she'd want to find someone better?" She told me in the form of a question.
" Yeah maybe." I agreed.
" And the cutting, were you mad at her for doing it, or were you mad at yourself for not knowing or not preventing it?" She prepositioned.
" The second one." I said starting to understand her point.
"So you see, I think this anger you have, has to do with you, and you just take it out on others, would you agree?" She asked.
" Yeah I'd agree." I said
" Okay, so how we combat this is to work it out like we just did. When you find yourself getting angry, think if you're actually angry because someone did something or if it's anger towards yourself. If it is towards yourself you need to communicate that calmly. So in our examples, you'd find yourself getting angry right?" She asked.
" Yeah." I nodded.
" Okay, so then you need to work it out in your head before you say something and once you figure out the origin, explain that. So for the first one you'd tell your girlfriend something like " Hey, so I've been feeling a bit insecure in this relationship and I could use some reassurance that I'm still what you want." You see?" She explained as I listened intently.
" Yeah that's good." I acknowledged.
" Good now you try, with example two." She suggested.
" So maybe I could apologize for not being someone she felt she could come to? Cause then I'd get the source of the anger off my chest right?" I asked.
" Correct, see you can totally do this." She said pleasantly.
" Thank you." I responded.
" No problem Maeve, so I'm gonna book you in for the same time next week yeah?" Melissa asked.
" Yeah. Sounds good." I said and stood up.
" Before you go Maeve. You should tell your girlfriend about what happened last night, and we'll talk more about that next session okay?" She told me.
" Okay." I said. " You're probably right."
" I am." She said with a slight laugh that I returned, and I left.
I went to work after that and when I finally got done I drove home.
" Welcome home." Mari said as she opened the door for me and I saw she had cooked dinner. I felt guilty.
" Woah this smells so good baby, what's this all for?" I asked.
" I'm just proud of you. Seeing someone is a big step and I can't imagine it was easy." She said smiling. " So how did it go?"
" It went good. I think it's really gonna help me." I said truthfully.
" That's great love!" Mari exclaimed.
" Very." I said smiling and thought about telling her what I did but I just couldn't do it.
I didn't want to be a burden when she was in such a time of need. I decided against telling her, at least for the time being, so I put it to the back of my mind and enjoyed the meal with her.