The next morning, I feel better about things. It's a new day to begin moving forward. I don't worry about the blonde boy; I just dismiss him. I drag myself out of bed and everything is just the same as the morning before. I make it onto the bus without incident and to Algebra without seeing the teen.
I was resolved to forget about him when I woke up, but that has proven to be a challenge. I feel stupid for even looking for him, but I do. He is cute and just seeing him makes my stomach flip. I try my best to focus on my studies; but it's hard when all I want to do is think about this stupid boy. I don't even know his name! And he tried to kiss me! I should be disgusted just at the thought of him; but instead I want to see him again. Just a glimpse is all I want.
I sigh, staring at my sneakers. "Miss. Suffolk?" I hear my Algebra teacher, Mrs. Summer say.
I look up startled. "Yes?" She is standing at the board, an equation displayed on the board, without the answer of course. I stare at her and she looks confused and worried.
"Do you know how to solve this?" She asks timidly.
"Oh...yes." I say once I look it over. My face turns red and then I clear my throat. I give her my answer and she nods in approval, but she continues to look confused as she finishes the lesson. She keeps looking over at me to make sure I am listening and I try my best to watch her, so she doesn't call me out again.
When the bell rings for first period to end, I grab my things and head to the door. I'm glad to get out of that class, I was feeling so stupid.
"Miss Suffolk?" I hear my teacher say again. I turn to her, and she motions for me to come to her desk. I swallow and head toward her.
"Yes, Mrs. Summer?"
"Is everything alright?" She asks, her hands folded under her chin, her head resting on them.
I nod. "Yes, everything is fine. Why?"
She shrugs. "You just seemed distracted during class. Usually, you're the first one to answer the question. I was just checking." She smiles.
I give her a smile back, and shake my head. "Everything is fine. Thank you though."
"Alright. Well you should go, I don't want you to be late." She says sitting back in her chair.
As I leave, I'm angry with myself. It's because of that stupid boy. I walk to my next class, fuming, and then I see him. He is standing outside, leaning against a window, a cigarette in his mouth. He looks so cool, standing there, tall and punk. Since when was I attracted to the punk guys? Since when was I attracted to anyone? I needed to talk to Alex about this, I'm getting worried. I can't like a guy who acts like him. That would just ruin me.
___
That night I finish my homework before 7, when my family and I have dinner. I'm happy that I got it done so quickly. I even checked over all of it to make sure it was correct. Sandra comes up to get me and I follow her downstairs. My parents are still in their work clothes, but I've changed into sweatpants and my ratty old sweater with the word Disneyland spelled across it. It was something Alex's mom, Mrs. Neptune, got me for my birthday.
My mom eyes me and leans in to say to me, "When you have a meal with your parents, you shall come dressed appropriately. I don't want to see this outfit ever again at dinner. Is that clear?" Her eyes flash with anger and I nod my head, looking down at my gray pants.
We eat in silence for a good 5 minutes before my dad says, "How did you do on your biology test?"
I nod and smile. "Very well, sir. I got a perfect score."
He nods and mumbles something, and then continues to eat.
"John is finally leaving work. So, I'm getting a promotion." My mom says a few minutes later. Her tone is barely out of monotone and her lips are pursed. This is her version of a smile.
"Excellent, darling." My dad says, smiling at her. He loves her, I know that for sure. He only ever smiles at her.
"Yes, it is. Finally, my boss has seen what an idiot he is."
I want to scold her for being so full of herself, but that would only ground me. I hate that they think they are above everyone else. I think I would be the same way, and I was for a time, until I met Alex. She comes from a middle class family who are always volunteering at soup kitchens, help animal rights activists, and spend their Saturday mornings rebuilding the environment. When I met her in middle school and we became friends, she saw how hot headed I was. Alex made sure that was kicked out of me before I hit high school.
We are silent for the rest of the meal, and I think I prefer it that way. I don't have to pretend to be all high and mighty to please them, and my parents don't have to talk like they are the best out of everyone. When the meals are cleared, and my dad excuses us, I head up to my room. I plop on my bed, putting in my ear buds to listen to my classical music, and text Alex. She is the only one on my contacts besides my parents. I barely even text Alex, I find it to be pointless. Talking face to face is better in my opinion, but I'm bored so I text her.
Me: Hey
Alex: Hi! You bored?
Me: Yes, I finished with my homework early and I have nothing to do.
Alex: Lucky. I'm still doing mine.
Me: Do you want to come over? I can help.
Alex: Sure, I'll be over in ten minutes.
Ten minutes later there is a ring at the bell and Alex stands there, her hands full and her backpack slung over her shoulder. She smiles sheepishly and I laugh.
"Come on in. Want some coffee?" I ask, heading toward the kitchen.
"Yes, please." She says, fumbling with her notebooks and binders.
"Sandra, could we get two coffees please?"
"Yes, ma'am." I hear her say.
"That must be nice." Alex says sighing.
"What is?"
She shrugs. "Always having someone to make things for you. You don't have to lift a finger!"
I smile. "Yeah, but sometimes I wish I could do things my way. It seems lazy and bratty."
"It's not bratty, it just means your family has worked hard enough to be able to pay for someone who can do things for you. That's pretty nice."
"It doesn't mean everybody else doesn't work hard either. Some people don't want to be doctors and lawyers, but they still work super hard."
"Of course, I'm just saying it's nice." We stand in silence for a minute. We have discussions like this sometimes, it's not a fight exactly, but a misunderstanding.
We sit on the couch as Sandra brings us the coffees and I blush as she sets them before us. No matter what Alex says, I feel so bratty and privileged compared to her family.
"So, I need help with math first. I'm so confused. How do you even do this?" She throws her hands up in the air and lets them slap the couch as they come down. "Nice leather couches by the way."
"Thanks, my mom thought our old stuff was too 2010. She needed new colors." I shrug.
The room is now even more modern, with brown leather couches and a white carpet under us. There is a giant flat screen across from the couch, hanging there by itself and a giant brick fire place to compliment it. The windows are daunting, covered by white curtains that have lace on them. The coffee table top is pure glass and a giant metal giraffe sits on top of it along with our coffees.
"Ok, so what the heck is this?" Alex asks, pointing to the fifth question on the paper. I smile and start to show her how it works. About an hour into her work, she has finally completed her math and now works on her world history project.
My thoughts have drifted; I look out the window, the sky is growing darker and I wonder what the blonde boy is up to right now. Is he smoking? Is he kissing someone else? My stomach twists at that. Is that jealousy? It can't be, I pushed him away. I find myself thinking about him kissing me. I can still remember the pressure and the metal of the ring.
"So what do you think of this?" Alex asks.
"What?" I say blinking a few times.
She smirks. "What were you thinking about?"
"Nothing! I just was thinking about algebra."
"Mhm." She says. She puts the poster board down and folds her hands. "Spill."
I shift in my seat, uncomfortable and grab my coffee mug. It's cold in my hand and I only drank half of it, but this is my only escape from answering. "Nothing!" I say, taking a long sip. Then I need to breathe, so I put the cup down.
"Oh come on! You are never distracted! I have never had to repeat myself or get your attention 'cause you were daydreaming, so what is it?"
I blush and sigh. "Fine. I was thinking about the new kid."
She squeals and I wince. "Sorry, I know this is new for you, but I'm so excited. Finally, you have a crush!"
"It's not a crush!" I protest.
"Oh, please. You're thinking about him; you blush when we talk about him. You were thinking about that kiss weren't you?" She says smirking.
I look down, playing with the sleeve of my sweater. "Maybe." I mutter.
She laughs. "You are finally a regular teenager! I have been waiting for the day!"
I sigh. "It's whatever, it's not like anything is going to happen anyway. I pushed him away and he is probably onto the next girl. Besides, I wouldn't let him in. I wouldn't date him because I care about school too much."
She readjusts herself in her seat and looks at me very seriously. "Sam, I love you. You're my best friend. But, all you do is talk about school. I know why it matters so much to you, but honestly, you need a life. Hearing you talk about a boy is refreshing! Seriously, if you have some fun, it's not going to kill your grades."
I look down and sigh. "I know." I mumble.
I look up at her to see her smiling. "Find a hobby, make some more friends. It will be good for you."
I nod. We go back to her project then, every other subject dropped, but by the time she leaves I'm feeling like an awful person. No wonder I don't have any other friends. I scare them away with my refusal to have fun.
___
On Wednesday night, after dinner and after my homework is done, I sit on my bed thinking about what Alex said last night. It hurts to know that the reason I don't have other friends is because I'm too focused on stupid grades. I surprise myself as I think this. If it had been a week before, thinking grades as stupid would not have crossed my mind. Now as I sit staring out my window, listening to my classical music, I'm disgusted with myself.
My parents could care less if I have good grades. I think they care a little, but they never even talk to me! How would they know if I was doing well or not? They don't care about me! I doubt they would even cry if I died. They would probably cover it up so that no one would notice. A death so early in the family would be scandalous.
I think of how Alex is my only friend. How is it that she has put up with me for so long? I'm so boring and plain! I pushed a perfectly cute boy away because I thought I couldn't make time for him. At this point I'm crying. Loudly. Since I'm the only one upstairs right now, I can cry without being heard. My parents are downstairs working on projects for work. I am shaking in my bed, the tears flowing freely and my wailing filling the room. I have never cried this hard, mostly because it always seemed pointless. There was never time for it, that's what I always thought.
I hear the door creak open and then a "Miss?"
I sit up and see Sandra standing by the door, a worried look on her face. "Oh, miss! You wait right here, ma'am. I will be right back."
Before I can stop her she has left, and I sit staring at my wall, trying to wipe my eyes. When she returns, she has a giant bowl of ice cream and pink sprinkles on top. She has a cup of coffee and an IPad already logging into Netflix.
"This might help, ma'am." She says smiling. I nod and mumble a thanks. She begins to leave but I stop her.
"Can you sit with me?" I ask quietly, sniffing as I do so. She turns, her eyes wide, but she nods.
I make room for her on the bed and she sits next to me folding her hands in her lap as I turn on an episode of House M.D. "Do you want to get some ice cream?"
She shakes her head. "No thank you, miss. It's not good for me."
"Oh ok." I say. We sit in silence the rest of the time, but it's comfortable as we watch the show. Sandra is really nice, and I feel better as the night continues on. But I have decided by the time the show ends, that I am going to fix this. I am going to fix me. I wanted a life, more than anything now, because no one would care if I changed. I could actually be happy.
___
The next morning at the bus stop, I wait eagerly for Alex. I need her advice and help very badly. When she walks up to me, in her white sneakers, skinny washed out blue jeans, and a Ramones tank top, I smile. I know she is the right person to ask.
"I thought about what you said, when you came over on Tuesday." I say when she is close enough to hear me.
She raises her eyebrows. "Really?"
I nod. "I feel awful that all I do is talk about school. I must seem so plain and boring. I don't know how you put up with me for so long."
She smiles. "I wanted to put up with you because you're not boring. I see how passionate you are about school. Being determined and driven like that is a good thing. Why do you think I care about school? You inspire me! You are definitely not plain."
I smile. "Well that's good, but I still need your help."
"Anything." She says, getting excited.
"I need a wardrobe change and I need some hobbies." I say, sighing.
She claps her hands. "Finally! Yes! Ok, well I will take you out Friday night and you aren't allowed to touch your school books! Is that clear?"
I nod. "Tell me exactly what you want me to do. I need to learn how to be a proper teenager."
"Yes you do. Oh yay!" She claps again just as the bus pulls up.
That day at school, I look around wondering if I should say hi to people, but I look down at myself and think that maybe today is not that day. I look like a mess. Do I always look this bad? Now that my eyes have been "opened" I can see how bad I look; what an awkward person I am. I let my thoughts wander to the boy, I want to know his name and maybe Alex will know. He is so cute and I refuse to be embarrassed to think so. I am trying to change a liking a boy is part of that.
When Friday comes, I put all my books in my locker and even leave my backpack inside it too. There is nothing that I have to study for this weekend. Usually I study any new things I have learned and then do worksheets online and then practice tests, but this weekend I'm refusing to do any work. It's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. A paper falls out of the locker, landing on the floor and I pick it up with a sigh. This must be that Kairos paper. I open it, just in case there is something I didn't notice before, but it's a different paper.
"Trouvaille: Something lovely discovered by chance; a windfall." And then I can't help but think of the blonde boy. How he is something so lovely that was discovered by chance. I smile, excited now by this random stranger with the random gifts.
I close my locker, taking the two definitions with me. I turn around and see the blonde boy smirking at me. I blush and look down. I want to smirk back, but I don't have the confidence for that. Especially in this outfit. I walk past him quickly and head to the bus, excited to re-invent myself.
***
The picture at the top is what Sam would look like! (minus the nose ring)