Grace though slumberous, had too much on her mind. She knew daylight would bring an inquest. And that worried her. Things were about to change. That really worried her. She had set out to seduce him and had succeeded. Succeeded beyond her wildest dreams. But the time to pay was fast approaching. Later this morning she knew she would be held to account for her actions. If only she could postpone that inevitable discussion.
Grace sat on the wooden steps hugging her knees as she gazed into the distance. Her blue cut off jeans left her knees and ankles bare. Her hair was damp from the shower she had recently taken and she was lost in thought as she stared unseeingly at the horizon. She had woken early, unable to sleep and worried about facing Joshua. He had slept soundly. And she had taken those minutes to watch him sleep. After a few tentative minutes she had stealthily climbed out of her bed and left him to sleep on.
The fact that it was barely six o'clock was a clear sign of just how agitated she was. Grace wasn't a morning person, never had been, and the fact that she had got out of bed without having to argue with herself, showed just how unsettled she was. She took a shower, rummaged in Sasha's room for a clean t shirt and shorts, because she didn't want to wake him up, and had made herself a cup of herbal tea before heading for the back door step. Strange how old habits never died. She remembered the last time she had felt this vulnerable and faced making a challenging decision. She had made it sitting on this very step. Then she had been flanked by her sisters. She was nearly twelve Briar was mid way between her tenth and eleventh birthday, and Sasha had just had her seventh birthday. Yet, at that age, the three of them had sat on this step and decided how they were going to tell their parents that Grace was going to take the bus to the school in Auckland.
They'd all been contributing to the long running drama about Grace's scholarship, but their lack of funds meant that Grace couldn't board. So she had come up with plan B. She and her sisters had talked about it, sitting on the back door step, they had talked through the plan and how to present it to their parents. And her sisters helped her to execute it. She had had butterflies in her stomach, wondering whether she really knew what she was doing then.
Now, almost two decades later, she was feeling the same. She felt vulnerable. All because last light she realised that she was no longer in control of her feelings. Realised that for her, the man sleeping in her bed was the one. The one she had dreamt of as a little girl, the one she had thought about as a teenager, the one she had waited for. The one she loved. And that scared her. She had grown up surrounded by love. Loving her sisters and parents, and being loved in return. But while she knew that she loved him, and she knew that he wanted her, she didn't have the faintest idea whether he loved her. But she knew that he had a disproportional view of responsibility. Of honour. Of integrity.
She should have told him. Earlier, much earlier, she should have told him. Too late for that now. Having spent time with him, she knew he would feel guilty. She closed her eyes, tried to visualise sitting here talking to her sisters, asking for advice. With a quiet laugh she opened her eyes. Sasha would tell her to get over herself and if the sex was good to just keep going! Briar would not doubt tell her to take the relevant precautions. Grace groaned. Too late for that now. They hadn't even used a condom. She felt like a naïve twit. But what had happened between them last night and the way it had happened, had been perfect. It had been more than she had been expecting. Her first orgasm was the most honest candid carnal miracle she'd ever felt. She had waited her whole life to feel so replete, to feel so magnificent. Even now, just thinking about it, she could feel her heartbeat escalate. He made her feel like she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
Without previous experience to count on, she had gone with her own imagination and learnt from his lead. She had always been a fast learner. And he was a good teacher, really good. She had reasoned that the touch that set her heart pounding, as if it had just worked through a marathon at a sprinters pace, would work on him too. So she had tasted with her tongue, raked with her nails and brushed with her lips. His response was electric. She could still hear his heart, feel his thrusts as he'd tensed and yelled and joined her in that bone melting climax. Just thinking about it was making her damp. She closed her eyes, saw his. She could remember exactly when his changed to register shock as he realised that she wasn't experienced. She knew he would make an issue of it, take responsibility, and probably subconsciously feel that she had misled him.
"Morning."
Her thoughts had conjured him up. Joshua stood in the doorway, bare to the waist, creased black evening trousers covering his long legs. He had more clothes on this morning than the morning she'd walked into him in the bathroom, but today, she couldn't handle it with quite the same urbane flippancy. Too much had happened between them.
"Hi" She replied softly.
"Grace.."
It was his tone that panicked her. She wasn't used to these morning after chats. And at thirty she was too mortified to talk about her lack of experience. Intuitively she felt she was about to face the inquisition she was dreading. So she should have told him, before he went to bed with her, but it was too late now. What had happened, had happened, she didn't want to track through her dearth of experience, or the guilt she felt in seducing him without telling him he would be her first. And she just knew he would do the gentlemanly thing. She knew it.
"No post mortem please." She interrupted hastily as a frisson of alarm uncoiled within.
"I wasn't going to..."
"No." She tilted her head to look up at him, her eyes flashing in suppressed warning.
"Grace," He dropped down to sit by her, "I was going to say, sorry. I wouldn't have..."
The gentleness went unnoticed by Grace, as the apology registered. He was sorry they'd made love? And here she'd been, sitting in constant reminder of last night, mulling over the most exquisite moments in her life, reliving every moment as if it was the most brilliant thing she'd ever done. It was. And he was sorry he'd been a part of it. He was sorry. She knew he'd feel guilty, but sorry, sorry she hadn't expected.
"Sorry?" She screeched, as she shot to her feet. She knew she was being overemotional. But she couldn't stem the words. "What the hell for?" She jammed her hands on her hips as she glared at him in mounting outrage. Apprehension and anger took over. Defence mechanisms went into play. What the hell was he sorry for? For going to bed with her? For making love?
"Damn it." He growled aghast as he realized that Grace was misreading his apology. He was trying to explain that he shouldn't have assumed she was experienced. That based on the way she had responded to him, he thought she knew the score. He wouldn't have been as demanding if he'd known she was inexperienced. But she was misreading his apology. Grace jumped, "I thought you'd be, well, I assumed you had some experience." He informed her, tipping his head to look into her eyes as she stood looking down at him, "I must have hurt you." He explained, anxiously trying to placate her. "I thought you were experienced." He got to his bare feet.
"You patronising bastard." Stormed Grace, moving off the step altogether as she flung the words at him.
Joshua stood rooted to the spot. He was shocked. It wasn't her words, it was her anger. What was the matter with her? Why was she so angry? Was she already regretting last night? Had he been too rough? If he'd known she wasn't experienced he'd have been considerate, he certainly wouldn't have taken her with such demand. He'd made no concessions. From her responses, from the way she touched him, he expected her to have had other men. She certainly knew how to kiss. How was he supposed to know that she wasn't experienced, no virgin would have responded like that. No one without experience would have allowed him to take so many liberties. Hell, how could he say that? He'd never been with a woman who wasn't experienced.
Grace was totally unaware of his thoughts. She was too far enmeshed in her own confusion. Inexperience, vulnerability, need, heightened nerves and anger; they all played a part in her emotional irrationality.
"You bastard." She repeated, "What the hell gave you the idea that I was experienced huh?" She yelled.
It was a lucky thing she had no close neighbours. She was certainly yelling loudly enough for Mr and Mrs Kelly two kilometres down the road to hear, fortunately they were both partially deaf. Joshua felt trapped between a rock and a hard place, he could hardly tell her that it was her behaviour, her reaction to him. The way she had touched him, the way she had kissed him, the way she had looked at him. Sophisticated, that's what he'd thought. She knew what she was doing. Joshua shrugged in response to her hostile question. Determined not to get into the argument he knew would follow if he explained that her behaviour gave no indication of her lack of experience. She wasn't in a frame of mind to listen.
But Grace refused to let it go, "I want to know what made you think that I slept around?" She demanded as she faced him squarely.
He thought about the question for a long time before answering. This was going to be tough. The question was, how to find a way back to the state of amicability they had achieved yesterday.
"I never thought you slept around," The placatory tone was lost on her. "just that you'd have been with someone by now, that's all." He knew he'd blown it before she even replied.
"Why?" She stormed indignantly at him.
"Several things" he said quietly, coming down the stairs to stand beside her, knowing that this explanation was not going down well. But there was no other course of action. She was furious and he couldn't find a way of appeasing her. The truth was all he had left.
"Like what?" She snapped totally unaware that he was fighting hard to remain patient. She wasn't giving an inch and he was rapidly loosing his tolerance for her unwarranted wrath.
His own temper fused into life, "Like," he stated bluntly, "for one, your age. In this day and age a thirty year old virgin is rare."
"Huh." She snorted, incensed by that ridiculous comment, "How would you know? You didn't even recognize one when you saw me."
"Two" He interrupted heatedly, seeing that she was far from appeased, and he was still being given a raw deal, "You call yourself a damn feminist."
"So what?" She hollered like a fishwife, "Feminism doesn't equate with a sex mad licentious hooker, you imbecile. It means I have a choice."
"Three," he bellowed appalled by the way she was twisting everything to suit her illogical interpretation, "the way you kiss."
"Bastard." She flung the word at him like a manic missile.
"Suit yourself." He threw the words at her in a dismissive gesture, turning around to walk back inside the house. Grace grabbed his arm. He stopped dead in his tracks, knowing this argument was far from over.
"Don't try and change track." Grace glared at him "O.k. I'm a thirty year old woman who lectures in women's studies, I'm independent and a damn good kisser, I'm still a catholic Goan." She fired the barrage of words as if they were supposed to make perfect sense to him. She didn't give him a chance to ask her to explain, "How many Goan women do you know sleep with guys before they get married hmm?" She was still holding his arm in a vice like grip.
"None." He thundered, turning around to face her fully. He took her by the shoulder, as he pointed out in a calm laconic drawl. "But you aren't married either and you slept with me. You came onto to me." He quirked a brow at her to emphasise his point.
"I came on to you?" She inquired with a shrillness that would have embarrassed her at any other time. Glaring belligerently at him she jabbed his shoulder, "You sure as hell have got that wrong." She slapped his hands away and moved up the two steps.
"Really?" Joshua asked in what his family would have recognised as the voice of hidden fury. He was too furious now to even think through what he was saying, but he could say it in a tone of voice that was chilling. He was enraged because she was angry and, as far as he was concerned, he could see no reason for her anger. She was angry because he'd been thoughtful enough to apologise because he hadn't realized she had no experience. It was a no-win situation. He was furious because what should have been a glorious morning was disintegrating into a travesty, and he was furious because he was being left to carry the can for this whole debacle.
"So your hand was a figment of my imagination was it?" He asked in a coolly taciturn tone, "If I remember correctly, last night, on the boat," sarcasm laced every word, "you ...."
Grace was mortified. "Stop it." She demanded softly, awash with shame. She recalled the moment he had started to describe. He was right. She had made many of the moves. They had been driven by sheer instinct. Instinct and want. He stopped talking. They were both breathing hard. Tempers were beginning to be leashed. "O.k.," She was the first to speak, a bare whisper, a huge difference to the shouting she'd been indulging in for the last few minutes, "Let's forget last night. Just forget the whole damn thing. It never happened. Forget it." She sounded as if she was talking to herself. And she wasn't meeting his eyes.
"Forget it?" He thundered. His command over his temper fled and he was once again at boiling point. "Only a few minutes ago you were telling me that Goan women don't have sex outside marriage and now you are telling me to forget that we did."
"I knew it." Grace stated softly, having once again come to a totally wrong conclusion. So she had been right all along. He was feeling guilty. And taking responsibility. The honorable idiot.
"What?" His exasperation snapped the word out. He just couldn't keep up with her changing track mid flow. How had he managed to fall in love with such a difficult, touchy, unpredictable woman? How could they be so good in bed and so poor at communicating out of it?
"You think I'm pushing for a wedding ring." She jabbed his shoulder with her index finder, "Desperate Grace gets her man by conning him into sleeping with her. Her dad can't pay him to marry her, but she can through sex! Forget it. I absolve you of any commitment, responsibility, obligation, duty, ok?"
"Grace, for,...."
"I don't want to hear it." She scorched his statement before he could even get into gear let alone full flow, "You don't have anything to worry about. You owe me nothing." She marched past him, "Nothing. Thank you for last night. It was great. You were great. Thank you. But that's it." She emphasised, "Now leave." She fired a fusillade of words as she moved rapidly down the path, "I'm going for a walk, don't be here when I get back."
She raced away. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she succumbed to overwhelming emotions. The roller coaster ride was over and she had just realized that she hated roller coasters, especially emotional ones. Joshua let her go. He could have stopped her. Gone after her, but in her current frame of mind she was unlikely to listen. The more he thought about it, the more he realized they both needed a bit of time and space between them to cool off. At least for now. They both needed to calm down, think rationally. He watched her storm up the grassy incline and disappear from sight over a small ridge.