! (tw: mentions of homophobia, EDs and panic attacks)
I knew something unfortunate would happen at some point, especially after my parents hadn't been too happy about me not going to church with them after I said I'd think about it.
So, for the sake of them not talking about it anymore, I decided to just do them that one favor and go with them the following Sunday. Just for that once.
I surely wasn't gonna go with them and also wear the clothes they probably wanted me to wear, so I just settled with jeans and a graphic t-shirt, not really caring about the looks I'd receive.
And I also knew that up until then I'd only spent time with the right people from high school, mainly thanks to Vic, but all of the wrong ones to be with were gathered in that place.
"Aren't you going to talk to anyone? There's so many people you know here, honey" my mom asked as I'd just been standing beside her, while we waited to actually walk into the building, my dad already talking to his usual friends.
"I- I'm good here for now" I nodded trying to seem convincing while I actually wanted to bury myself into a hole.
I spent the whole service trying to hide how much I did not want to be there, but grateful that at least I didn't need to have any kind of social interaction with anyone. Once it was all over I immediately got up, ready to finally leave and put an end to all the suffering. But apparently people stop and talk to each other after mass. How was I supposed to remember that?
"You should go and say hello to Father Michael, Eleonor" mom said, causing me to almost laugh in her face.
"Uhm, no, I don't think so mom" I said, really struggling to contain myself.
"What? Why? He'd be happy to see you"
"No, I'm not sure he'd-" I attempted to say as she took my arm into hers and started walking towards where most people were.
"Father! You remember my daughter, Eleonor, right?" she said as she scooted through all the people around the man, making me feel more embarrassed than I already was.
"Hello Mrs. Brown!" he enthusiastically said. "Of course I remember Eleonor" he smiled. The sight of him already made too many negative memories resurface.
"Hi" I sighed, not even trying to hide my frustration.
"How are you? Your mom told me you've been studying in New York, how's that?"
"I'm good" I just said, ready to walk away. The last thing I wanted was to have unnecessary anxiety because of that man.
"I'm glad. I haven't seen you here in a long time, why is that?" he asked, and that was the last straw for me. What kind of dumb question was that?
"Take a guess" I raised a brow, trying my best to ignore all of the flashbacks I was having.
"What?"
"Don't you think it made sense for me to stop coming here after you told me I was sinning and was still in time to change my mind about wanting to live such a life? Or better, after you were blatantly homophobic to my face?" I blurted, grateful that my mom had wandered somewhere else by then, and feeling weirdly relieved.
"I was only trying to help you" he confidently said, causing my anger to get even stronger.
"Well, you definitely made my life worse for at least a year. I'm glad I stopped listening to assholes like you now" I said before storming off, not fully comprehending what had just happened but glad it had.
People probably saw me almost running to the exit, but I just really needed some air before I passed out from how fast I was breathing. Right as I'd walked down the two steps in front of the door, I looked up to see the last person on earth I wanted to see at that moment.
"Ellie...hi" the blonde haired young man said, looking as surprised as I was.
"I- Hi Jonathan" I sighed, not believing my eyes. What the fuck? What the actual fuck?
"How are you? It's been...a while" he asked, getting over the surprise definitely quicker than me, as he adjusted the collar of his white shirt.
"I'm...I'm good. You?" I mumbled, just to get over with it as quickly as possible. The last thing I wanted in that moment was a conversation with my ex.
"Same, I'm pretty good. Happy to be here" he nodded, that stupid little smile on his face making me want to punch him. "I assume you've just come back too? Your parents told me you ended up moving to New York just like you said you would, that's great"
"Yeah, just a week ago. And yes, I did. It's great" I said, not wanting to know why the hell he'd been talking to my parents and deciding not to remind him about the fact that he spent months trying to convince me not to move to New York.
"I'm glad. I'm doing finance in Boston, as I'd always said I would" he went on, as if I'd even asked about his life. "Are you sure you're okay? You look startled or something"
"Well, I mean..." I thought about lying for a second but gave up. "I'm not that happy to see you, to be honest. You kind of ruined my life last year, along with more than one person in this place"
"What?"
"Why does everyone keep pretending to not understand what I'm saying?" I groaned. "You fucking ruined my life, and you know it" I raised my voice, not caring whose attention I'd attract.
"No need to use that language. And I thought we were over that, it's in the past" he shrugged, looking almost amused.
But I really didn't find outing me to my parents and not defending me when they almost kicked me out that amusing.
"You're twenty years old and scared of me saying 'fuck'?" I involuntarily laughed. "And it sure as hell is in the past for you, it didn't affect your life, or maybe you even profited out of hurting me like you did. You gained approval from other dumb, close minded, homophobic people in this town. That's great! But you literally made my parents hate me more than they already do and I'll never be able to ignore that" I almost screamed, lots of people probably looking at me by then. But I didn't care. I needed to do that.
"Ellie, I-"
"And you know what? I never even liked you. I only wanted to because I thought people would like me more if I was with you" I added, once again ready to walk away and trying not to laugh at his stupid little shocked face.
Once I thought the situation couldn't get any worse, I realized my mom was next to me as soon as I turned to my side.
"First the priest, and now him? What do you think you're doing?" she just asked in a whisper, grabbing my arm and walking away.
"Why the fuck have you and dad been talking to him?" I ignored her question, absolutely not matching her tone.
"Language, Ellie"
"I'm twenty years old! I can speak however the fuck I want, okay?" I groaned in frustration. "They were being assholes to me, that's why I said what I said. Which is just the truth, by the way"
"I am not going to talk to you out here if you keep using that language" she said, her expression being a mix of disappointment and embarrassment.
I really had to try and contain myself in the ten minutes that passed during the walk between the church and our house. The previous year myself would have been scared shitless of my mom's possible reaction, and probably wouldn't have even talked like that to both the priest and my ex. But that wasn't who I was anymore.
"I told you that coming to church wouldn't end well" I said once we'd arrived.
"Couldn't you try to make me happy for once? I thought I wasn't asking for too much" she asked, looking angry more than anything else.
"If making you happy means putting up with homophobic people, then I'm sorry but I can't do that" I shook my head.
"Stop using that word"
"What? Homophobic? You're scared of me saying that?" I couldn't help but laugh. "You know that's what you and all of them are"
"Stop changing the topic. Why did you have to be so disrespectful with the priest?" she crossed her arms, probably convinced she was completely right.
"He just asked why he hadn't seen me in a long time and I told him the truth" I shrugged.
"You know he's always just wanted to help you. It's you who never let him"
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I shouted, my heartbeat getting faster by the second.
"Don't talk to me like that Ellie! And why were you so mean to Jonathan?"
"How...how much did you hear?"
"Practically all of it"
"I- I wasn't mean. Once again, I just said the truth" I nervously said, not even knowing why I was starting to get so nervous. "Why the hell have you been talking to him about me anyway?"
"You know we've always liked him... his family has always been a friend of ours. And he's such a nice boy, we were all hoping you'd get the chance to talk to each other these days, him included. But of course, you had to ruin it all. Wouldn't be the first time you did something like that" she started to walk to the living room instead of just standing next to the entrance.
"Excuse me?" I followed her.
"What?"
"You really expect me to be happy to talk to him after what he did last year? The fact that you're still treating him like he's your own child is concerning enough" I really didn't know if I felt like laughing or crying at that point.
"You're the only one who did something wrong to him, honey" she shrugged. "And maybe it feels good to take care of someone who isn't constantly creating problems, you know?"
"You don't mean that..." I mumbled, knowing she probably did.
"Am I that wrong for wanting my daughter to be with someone who could give her the life I want her to have?"
"What if I don't want that life, though?"
"See, I told you you don't care about making me happy. You would have never left him if you did"
I suddenly felt a ball of anger rising in my chest, not believing the insane things she was accusing me of, and I felt like my brain had temporarily stopped working because of it.
"Stop it, mom!" I yelled.
"You're the one who asked why I've been talking to him" she chuckled.
"Stop it! I literally don't even like men, I'm a lesbian, okay?" I yelled even louder, before realizing what I'd just said and widening my eyes at the word I'd just used. I'd been scared of it since I started to think about it as something that might describe me, and I'd never thought of saying it out loud.
"No you're not" my mom's grin immediately turned into a worried look.
"I- I...I am" my voice trembled and my breathing started to pick up. Why did I say that?
"I really thought that moving somewhere new for a while would make you better than you've been in the past years and erase all of those thoughts from your mind, after all of the money I wasted on that stupid therapist that only made you worse. At least you weren't saying these things about yourself before that" she calmly said. "Turns out you're even worse than before. I don't think it's a good idea if you keep living there"
"Both therapy and moving there have made me better in ways you can't even imagine" I tried my best not to cry. "Starting from finally realizing I didn't need to be ashamed of my sexuality. But you wouldn't understand"
"I disagree, especially on the first part. You know, I preferred it when you were starving yourself rather than when you started to think you're gay" she continued, as if that was something normal to say to your own daughter.
"W-what?" I almost whispered, feeling like I'd just received a punch in my stomach. At that point, tears inevitably started to flow down my face. I couldn't believe she'd just said that.
If she'd said something else after that I didn't hear it, because my vision had gone blurry and I could barely breathe from how much I was uncontrollably sobbing. Why would she say that?
I'd become self-aware enough to ignore most comments my mom made about me, but I never thought she'd go that far. She hadn't mentioned that time of my life in ages, no one really had, myself included, so I wasn't expecting her to say that.
I couldn't stand being in that room anymore, so I stormed off to my bedroom, surprised I'd even been able to walk up the stairs as I texted Vic.
you: can i come to your house
you: i dont wanna be in my house anymore
And she luckily replied immeditely.
vic<3: woah you ok?
vic<3: but sure, of course
I threw whatever I could think of in a backpack and went back downstairs to storm out of the house, still uncontrollably crying.
"Where are you going?" I heard my dad's voice across the hallway, not even realizing he'd come back home in the meantime.
"To Vic's" I hiccuped, not even wanting to turn around to face my parents.
"You're absolutely not going there" my mom intervened.
"I'm twenty fucking years old, you can't tell me what to do! I can't stand another second in here" I said before heading out and banging the front door behind me.
Vic's house was luckily just five minutes away from mine, so not too many people saw me walking along the street with tears running down my face and snot running from my nose.
"Oh my god El, what happened?" she asked as soon as I showed up on her doorstep in those conditions.
I couldn't even get myself to speak because of the hiccups, so I just squeezed her into the tightest hug I'd ever given anyone. I still felt like I couldn't even properly breathe.
She hugged me back and we stayed in silence for a few moments. Vic knew me well enough to know when I just needed some comfort.
"You wanna go to my room? And you can tell me everything. If you feel like it. We can just sit in silence if you want" she asked, still hugging me.
"Okay" I sniffled, following her and trying to at least be able to breathe normally.
"I just need to know if you're safe and everything, El" she said as I layed on her bed, my tears already creating a damp spot on the pillow.
"Yes...I'd say so. It's just my parents, or my mom actually" I sighed, turning on my side to face her.
"I imagined" she sat next to me, handing me a tissue. "If you don't wanna talk about it, that's okay. You're welcome here as long as you want"
"No, uhm" I mumbled as I blew my nose. "We...we kind of got into a fight after I went to church with them. I told you I was going, right?"
"Yeah. Again, I figured it was something related to that" she handed me the whole box, causing me to giggle through my tears.
"And she forced me to talk to the priest after the mass. I got mad at him for asking me why I hadn't been going to church because...well, you know. And as I was storming out of the place I ran into Jonathan"
"No fucking way" her eyes widened.
"I know. I mean, it was predictable that he'd be there, but still. And I got even more mad at him because he was just pretending to be so clueless to everything and acted as if he hadn't ever done anything wrong to me. Honestly, just seeing his face was enough for me to get mad"
"I don't blame you" she chuckled. "And your mom got upset about that?"
"Yeah. She started to go on about how I never want to make her happy and how much she was hoping that I'd talk to him these days. Turns out my parents still regularly talk to him. And she said that at least he's not always creating problems like me" I continued, my hands starting to shake just like when I was hearing those words earlier.
"That's fucked up. You know it's not true, right?"
"I've learnt to ignore all of those bullshit comments through the years, so it wasn't too much of a big deal. I was just a bit overwhelmed by everything that happened and meeting...him. But, uhm, I got really angry at her talking about wanting us to get back together and I...I kind of told her I don't even like boys" I said, my cheeks growing hot at saying that out loud again.
"Oh" Vic said.
"Yeah" I cleared my throat.
"That's true?"
"I guess so" I shrugged.
"Cool. I'm glad you're figuring stuff out" she nodded.
"Thanks" I vaguely smiled as much as I could. "But it got worse after that, predictably. My mom did not like that. And she said something horrible"
"Fuck. What did she say?"
"She...she said..." I attempted to repeat her words without bursting out crying, but failed as soon as I started to speak. "She said that she liked it better when I was starving myself rather than when I told her I'm gay, basically" I sat up to hug Vic again, my head resting on her shoulder as I once again sobbed against it.
"Shit" she comforted me, rubbing her hand along my back. "I'm sorry, El. So sorry. Please don't listen to that, whatever you do. It's a completely fucked up thing to say and no parent should ever tell their kid that"
"I know. But it still hurt a lot. How can she like me suffering and almost risking my own life more than me finally being myself?" I asked, my eyes covered with tears. I really couldn't get myself to believe my mom actually said that.
"I don't even know" she sighed. "But please know you're so loved by others, and that I'm so proud of you for...everything you've accomplished in the past year. I really am"
"Thank you" I mumbled, reaching for another tissue. "But it still sucks to know I can't give my parents what they want from me, you know? They're still important people in my life and they hate me because of something I'm not in control of. It really sucks"
"It really does suck, I know. Just remember that you haven't done anything wrong, and as you said, you're not in control of who you are. It's their problem if they don't like that. But I get it, it does suck" she squeezed my hand in reassurance.
"Thank you" was all I could get myself to say, starting to feel exhausted from all the crying. "Can I stay here tonight? Or a few nights, actually"
"Of course. My parents will be back from work in a few hours but I'm sure they'll be fine with that. Still have that spare mattress I can bring in here" she nodded with a chuckle. "Do your parents know you're here?"
"Yeah. They weren't happy about it. So predictable, right?" I attempted to joke, but it didn't come out right, with my voice still shaky.
"Absolutely" Vic laughed. "Need another hug?"
"Yeah" I said as I once again squeezed her really tightly. "I wish Sam was here" I added as I let go.
"You want me to leave you alone for a while so you can call her?"
"No, it's okay. I don't want you-"
"El, I can cope with not being in my room for a while" she chuckled. "I was actually gonna make myself some lunch, maybe you should eat something too"
"I'm absolutely not hungry, but maybe I should" I said. "And thanks, I won't be long"
"It's okay, take the time you need" she reassured me.
Sam's name was at the top of my contacts list as always, so it didn't take long for me to call her and hope she'd answer as soon as I can.
"Hi baby" she said after a few seconds. Hearing her voice already made me feel ten times better.
"Hi" I said, realizing I hadn't really planned on what to say.
"Is everything alright?" she asked, probably because my voice still sounded as if I'd been crying my eyes out.
"No. Not really. That's why I called. I hope I'm not disturbing because I know it's one of your last days of work and-"
"You're never disturbing. What happened?" she cut me off.
"I... I got into a fight with my mom and... she told me... hang on" I couldn't help but burst into tears again after just thinking about it all.
"Ellie" she said, worry in her voice. "Take a deep breath. I'm not in a hurry. Just take a deep breath for me"
"Okay" I breathed in deeply. "Okay. I wish you were here. I really need you right now. And I miss you"
"I miss you too, my love. So so much. But you're worrying me now. Are you safe?"
"Yeah, I'm at Vic's house. I think I'll stay here for a few days at least"
"Is it that bad?" she asked, to which I replied with the shortest version of what happened I could think of.
Each time I thought or said my mom's words aloud, it felt like they were getting more real. And painful. By the time I was done, a new puddle of tears had formed on the bed's spot I was on. Especially because I'd talked to Sam about my past, but never shared many details about that specific part of it. It wasn't something I wanted to remember.
Sam waited a few moments to assure I was done talking before saying something.
"I'm so sorry. That's horrible. That's absolutely horrible and completely insensitive for her to say. No mother should tell that to her own daughter. Please never, ever forget you are so loved. I love you so so much, okay? I love you" she said, her voice also suddenly shaky. "I wish I could do something more than reassure you right now"
"Thank you" I said between sobs. "I just wished I was loved by my own family too. I don't want them to hate me"
"I know, love. I know. I can only imagine. But you know they're in the wrong for this, right? It's not your fault if they can't accept who you are. You can't do anything about that and there's nothing wrong with who you are. And I know it's probably making you feel lonely, but you are not alone. You are so loved by other people, me above them all. Please remember that"
"Yes" was all I could say, my breathing starting to pick up again. "I don't wanna be here for another ten days. I can't. I wish I could come back to you. I...I need you" I started to feel more panicked than before, suddenly getting extremely lightheaded.
"I'm right here, my love. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for as long as you need, okay?" she said, repeating the same thing until I replied.
"Okay" I tried to calm myself down, but the realization that I was going to have to be in my town for another ten days had already sent me into a spiral of panic. "Sam, I don't feel good"
"Ellie, take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?" she asked. "We can do it together. I'm right here. Just breathe in as deeply as you can"
"I can't" I said, my hands incredibly shaky by then. I felt like I was literally suffocating, my chest tighter than I'd ever felt it. "I can't"
"Yes you can. I know you can. I'll do it with you, okay? You're gonna be fine. You're okay"
"Okay" I said as I closed my eyes and tried my best to follow the sound of Sam's breathing as I imitated her. After a few minutes of nothing but doing that, I started to feel better. "Thank you" I added after a while, my anxiety slowly fading away.
"How are you now?" she gently asked.
"A bit better. I can breathe. And I'm not that dizzy anymore. Just a bit"
"That's good. I'm glad, my love. I can stay here with you as much as you want"
"You don't have to work?"
"Don't worry about that now. You're more important" she reassured me. "Is there anything that could help you right now?"
"I just need to talk to you a little more. Then I'll go have some lunch with Vic. But I need you right now"
"That's a good idea, eating something will make you feel better. Also, I'm glad you have a safe space to stay in"
"Yeah, me too" I said. "I'm so grateful, for both Vic and you. Thank you. And sorry for-"
"You don't have anything to be sorry about. Don't even say that" she lightly chuckled. "Really, my main priority is making sure you're okay at the moment. I don't care about work or anything else as much as about you"
"I love you" I said, getting teary eyes again but for a very different reason this time.
"Me too. Never forget that, as much as you might feel lonely there, okay?"
"Yeah" I sniffled. "How's your day going?" I asked, wanting to hear something to distract me.
"Boring, honestly. Last days of work are always just filled with paperwork and exam last minute grading" she chuckled. "But it's honestly nothing too demanding so I don't mind. The only problem is that the streets seem to have gotten busier, I don't know if it's because of tourists or what, but it's taking me longer to get to work"
"You could take the subway, you know" I joked.
"I could" she snickered, because we both knew she wouldn't.
"I can't wait to be back in New York. Or just with you, really" I sighed.
"Ten days will go by faster than you think. And I'm here whenever you need me. I'll call you again this evening, yeah?"
"Okay" I smiled to myself. "I think I'll go now. I'm getting hungry, weirdly enough"
"Have a good lunch, my love. Are you sure you're okay now?"
"I probably won't be totally okay for a while. But I'm better than before for sure"
"That's already something, then. Please always remember how much I love you" she repeated.
"I love you" I also said for something like the twentieth time in that call. "Bye, hear from you later"
"Of course. I love you" were the last comforting words I heard before the call ended.
I was really lucky to have someone as caring as Sam I could count on, and knowing that probably prevented me from feeling more terrible than I would have in that situation.