(tw: depression, suicide)
(I'm sorry to be putting this on you guys, I really have no other place to go to)
(This is not reassuring in any way. I know. But where else do I say this?)
(I wrote this last night before going to bed, hoping I would send it out to everyone I mentioned in it. I did not have the guts to send it to anyone, though. But it's sitting in my Google docs, and i copy pasted it here, so that I don't go before someone has read it)
Hello,
I am sorry that you're reading this. If you are, then everything has gone terribly wrong, maybe beyond control. I hate to be putting this onto you, but I hope you read all of this.
Mummy, papa, I don't know where to begin.
I can't feel happiness. I've forgotten what it felt like, what any emotion felt like. It might seem sudden to you, but it's been there for a while.
I tried, I really tried to talk myself out of suicide. I tried to unkill the parts of myself that had been killed already. I tried to see the beauty of life as you told me to see. I am not strong. I am very weak, extremely weak for doing this to myself. I couldn't be strong for anyone, not even myself. I am so sorry.
I don't fit in anywhere, I cannot live the way you have told me to live, but trust me, I tried so hard. You always told me that I don't even try, maybe because you're used to seeing me try and now my efforts don't even count. But I did. I talked to everyone I possibly could about this, yet I resorted to this act. I am sorry.
This morning, I dumped my medicines into the washroom and pretended that I had them. Maybe because I lost the will to be fine, too. I have lost this war.
Aashna, Amyraa, Tanya, Florence, Jahnavi, Gauri, Aman, Shivam, Chaitanya, Aditi, Liluy, Sadhana, Estella, and everyone who has helped me throughout, endlessly, altruistically -- you guys made my days beautiful. I woke up each day to be able to talk to you all. I went to sleep each night hoping to wake up the next morning to talk to you again. Thank you, and I am so sorry for being a coward.
Can you tell my Maydays (my readers) that they will never be getting the endings to the stories I wrote that they love? I hope you know that they were the final purpose of my life.
I am sorry for not being the perfect daughter, sister, friend, author, student, person, anything. I couldn't be, even when I tried to so hard to be. I just couldnt mould myself into the perfect version of myself that you always desired.
This is going to hurt you. This is going to devastate you and leave you scarred. But it's going to be okay. Time will pass, and you'll learn to cope with it. You'll resume your regular routine, and it'll be so normal all over again. What if I'm lacking in that routine? It's just me. Just a single person. You'll be okay without me, I genuinely pray.
I may not leave this shore in peace. I may also never find another one again -- that's what I read in those books of sprituality. My soul shall be tormented because of this. I am sorry, Udeesha, i failed you too.
This letter lacks so much, it's so grammatically wrong, it's depressing but it still can't express my state of mind fully. And honestly, even I cannot. I don't know what's going on inside me. All I know is to do what you feel is right, and right now, I feel nothing. Scared, yes, because death is going to be so painful. But it'll be over soon. And I'll never need to feel anything ever again.
I am sorry. Please don't forget about me.
All the love,
Udeesha