Why do men insist on making things awkward?
JL invited me for lunch after we got our test results back yesterday. As expected, he is the father. He called and suggested we talk over lunch today.
Now here we are and he has not looked me in the eye since I sat down.
In fact, he hasn't really said anything other than "Hi. How are you". This whole meal has been weird and uncomfortable.
"So are we going to ignore the elephant in the room?"
"I'm sorry, I guess I'm still just trying to wrap my head around it." He admits.
"No pressure. We still have a few months to go." I remimd him. Even if the months just seem to be flying by.
"There's a lot to do in those three months. I have to update my insurance, start a trust fund, update my will, research pre-schools and get on a waiting list, sort out a custody agreement, furnish a nursery, read some pregnancy books..."
"Woah, woah, woah, woah. Calm down." How is he already thinking so far ahead while I'm stuck on the day to day?
"I like to be prepared."
"So do I. But even I know you need to take a minute to breathe before you make a plan." He looks like he is just charging forward without allowing any of this to settle.
"The doctor said you're seventeen weeks. I've already lost seventeen weeks. That's time I'll never get back. Time preparing. Time spent with the baby." he looks so upset and I want to make him feel better.
"Then let's start there. I don't have any plans today, do you?" He shakes his head.
"Then you can spend time with me and jellybean."
"Jellybean?"
"Yeah, it's from my first doctor's appointment. She looked like a little jellybean." I admit.
He smiles with a warm but longing look on his face and I realise how much he has missed. He wasn't there for so much. He didn't even get to hear the heart beat.
I vow that I will try to include him on any milestones moving forward.
"How about we finish lunch then go for a walk?"
"That sounds nice."
The rest of our meal is spent in a much less awkward silence before he covers the bill. I'm not gonna fight him on that one.
"How did you find out you were pregnant?" He asks abashedly as we leave the restaurant.
"Morning sickness, late period. The usual." I confess. That was probably the most regular part of all this.
"Is the morning sickness bad?"
"It was for a bit, then I got some meds. I still get a bit nauseous from time to time, but it's no where near as bad." He needs this to not feel so left out.
"Any other problems?"
"Nope. I mean, the no drinking was a bummer, and I was a little down there for a while trying to wrap my head around this, but..."
"Why were you down?"
Is he really asking that?
"Ever since, I graduated college, I had a plan. Work hard and get a good job with room for improvement. Find a guy who loves me as much as my dad loves my mom. Get married by thirty. Have one or two kids after a year. At that point I would be financially secure enough to afford to send them to good schools, but young enough to have the energy to run after them. When they're old enough, we get a dog. That was the plan.
Instead, I am twenty-five, stuck working with a bunch of assholes, single, knocked up and I don't even have a savings. Nothing is going according to plan and it is a lot to take." Saying it out loud makes me breathe slightly easier.
"I get that. I had a plan too. I wanted to be married by thirty-five and be done having kids by forty. At that point I'll have climbed up the ladder and be in a position where I can afford to take time off to spend with my family. I think I always imagined one kid and two dogs. Huskies."
I cannot help my smile.
"That sounds nice."
"I pictured date nights and family vacations every summer. Occasionally having to kick my mom out when she refuses to leave."
"Oh, my God. My mom. If two of my siblings weren't also pregnant, I am sure she would have moved in with me by now."
"Wait, you have two pregnant sisters?"
I nod, "Well, one of them is my sister in law, but same thing."
"My sister is pregnant too."
"You're shitting me." What are the odds?
"Yeah, she's due in a month now." He smiles as he talks about his sister and I can see the love on his face.
"What is in the water this year?" I cannot help but ask. This is uncanny. Is there an environmental factor?
"At least jellybean will have a lot of cousins their age." He points out. I guess that would be nice. Most of my cousins are closer to Xavier's age so I never really connected with them. I did have a few play cousins, but I lost touch with most of them when we moved.
"How many siblings do you have?" I ask realising just how little I know about him.
"Just the one. She lives in Manchester with her husband so I don't see her as much as I'd like." Oh.
"I have three. And twelve cousins."
"Mother's side or father's side?"
"Uh, both."
He shakes his head with a bit of a chuckle.
"What?" Twelve cousins is a lot.
"I have forty-three cousins."
"Forty-th... That cannot be true." Who has that many relatives?
"Family events were always a headache."
Good God. Forty-three kids running around? I couldn't handle that.
"How do immigrants all claim to have such huge families? Are y'all playing a joke on us or do you just not believe in birth control?" He laughs some more and it is such a soothing sound.
"I cannot speak for everyone, but in my experience, Westerners only consider your parent's siblings' children cousins."
"That is exactly what a cousin is. By definition." Do they count play cousins as cousins too?
"In most cases, we count all close family members born in our generation. My grandmother's sister's grandchildren are my cousins."
"That is a stretch."
"I think it is a language thing. The same word is often used for everyone so when we translate to English, we call them all cousins."
Huh. I never thought of that.
We keep talking as we walk and JL has very visibly relaxed. I have no idea where we are going, but we keep walking and talking about our families. His mom sounds as crazy as mine. God help us if they're ever in the same room.
"How did two people from such perfect families wind up in this mess?" I find myself asking over ice-cream as we watch the sun set.
"We can't give our kid what we had." He is quiet and I know he understands what a loss that is.
"It might not be exactly the same. But we'll make sure our baby is surrounded with nothing but love from the get go." he sighs after a few minutes of silence.
"It's never that easy." I doubt Janelle will love her the same way she'll love her own kid.
"I know. But let's make an agreement now. No matter what, we agree we will always put jellybean in front of all else." He stretches out his hand and I cannot help but notice how big his hand is.
Suddenly, I have a vivid recollection of those same fingers inside me. Working me. Playing me like a fucking fiddle. I am now overcome with a burning desire for him to touch me again. For his fingers to curl as he whispers dirty words in my ear.
"No?" He asks and I realise I have just been staring at his hand silently.
"Yes. Definitely yes." My voice comes out breathy. I shake his hand and relish in the soft warmth of his hand engulfing mine.
Man gives a really, really good handshake.
"We're going to do this. We'll be just as loving and supportive as our own parents." God, his words shouldn't turn me on so much.
"Even if she wants to be an exotic dancer?"
"I don't know about you but my parents would not have supported that." I find myself laughing.
"You know, my parents met at a strip club." He looks shocked. I get it.
I tell him the story I must have heard a hundred times by now. He is howling in laughter, loving it almost as much as I do.
When I get home, I cannot help but smile. What started off awkward turned out to be really fun.
Being with JL is fun and easy.
I really think we can do this.
Even if I might have to overwork my vibrator now.