"Happy Speak Now (Taylor's Version) release day!" I gave one of the crew members a Speak Now themed friendship bracelet. I've been handing one to every crew or staff member that I passed as I walked to the tent.
I had made 113 friendship bracelets just for today, all related to Speak Now. It was release day and on release days, we celebrate big. I made it mostly for the crew members of the Eras Tour, the dancers, the vocalists, the band, staff members working at the Stadium, the people on Taylor's team, and the people in the tents but I plan on handing some out to fans if there are some left. I made Taylor one as well — a Never Grow Up bracelet because that's our song — and I made her promise to wear it throughout the entire concert. Everyone on stage with Taylor also agreed to wear their bracelets during the concert, which made me so happy. They've been nothing but kind to me and I love being around them. They treat me like I'm one of them and it's always so much fun to talk and goof around together.
Once I was out in the main part of the stadium, I went to the tent that I wasn't going to be watching from first; the one to the left of the stage from Taylor's point of view. It was quite a walk. The stadium is so much bigger in person than it looks in pictures. I'll never understand how football players are able to run this distance. I'd give up so quick.
It took longer than it was supposed to since I was swarmed by quite a bit of people. However, with the help of Taylor's security guards, I thankfully didn't get trampled in the process. It's always so scary and overwhelming when so many people come up to you with cameras facing you and recording every move you make, while also screaming at you and trying to hug you or just grab your hand. I can't imagine what it's like for my sister and my friends who are actually celebrities.
There were eight people in the tent when I got there. I knew most of them so it was a nice little reunion. Unfortunately, there wasn't a lot of time left before the concert started — 7 minutes left to be exact — so we couldn't talk as much as I wanted to. We said hi, traded bracelets, and quickly caught each other up on what's been happening in our lives before saying goodbye to each other.
To go back to my tent and still make it in time for bracelet trading before the concert started, I had to run. Walking was gonna give people more time to form crowds and, as much as I love trading bracelets with people and talking with them, I really wanted to watch the show. I also didn't want to interrupt anyone in the tent while they were enjoying the show so I had to give them the bracelet before Taylor came out on stage. I let the two security guards that were with me, Trey and Paul, know that I was planning on running back. They gave me the okay to do so.
As soon as we stepped outside of the tent, I started booking it. I was a little worried about accidentally leaving Trey and Paul behind but I don't even know why I was worried because I can't even run fast. They're literally trained to do these things, of course they're going to be able to keep up with me. My running is probably just a slow jog for them.
"Welcome back," Joey said, laughing at how out of breath I was.
"Thanks," I managed to get out. I was still hunched over, my hands on both my legs while I tried to catch my breath. "I have a bracelet for everyone." I practically had to scream over the noise to make sure everyone in the tent heard me.
"We do too!" Both Taylor Lautners made their way over. I've always called the guy Taylor 'Lautner' and the other one 'Taylor'. It makes everything so much easier for me.
I started handing everyone the bracelets as I wished them all a happy release day. I picked out ones that I associated with them, or the ones of their favorite songs. In return, they also gave me bracelets that they apparently made specifically to give to me. Writing the friendship bracelet line was one of the best things Taylor ever did because this tradition is so fun. I never want it to go away.
"The show's starting!" Someone let us know from the front of the tent. All of us quickly finished up trading bracelets and made our way over to the front so we could enjoy the show.
When the time came for the Speak Now era to start, I was so excited. I knew everyone was gonna go feral after realizing that there's been a slight change to the setlist. I knew I was gonna go feral too.
Enchanted was beautiful but just today, I couldn't wait until she finished singing that song. Not because I don't like it, but because I'm impatient. I eagerly leaned against the railing of the tent as I watched Taylor and sang along with her. She was glowing as usual. Sometimes, I can't believe that someone so gorgeous and talented and perfect is really my older sister.
When the time came for the next song, I did what I wasn't expecting to do. I ran out of the tent and went up to the barricade so I could witness this up close. I heard Paul yelling for me to wait for him but if I did, I would've missed the start so I kept running. I guess Taylor saw me running towards the middle because she looked confused as she grabbed her guitar and got ready.
"Sorry, I got too excited," I apologized to Paul when he caught up with me.
"Just give me a heads up next time," He laughed and rolled his eyes.
Taylor started strumming her guitar along with her band and I looked up at her in awe. This song was so special to everyone in the stadium. Long Live being added to the setlist was definitely the right move and I know so many people, including me, appreciate her for it.
I started screaming the lyrics with everyone else in the stadium. I haven't heard this song live in forever and it was nice to experience it again. It made me emotional thinking about the fact that Taylor was singing this song with her fans, who she wrote this song about; she's singing with the fans that stayed even after all the shit that people said about her and all the drama that people tried to start with her. It makes me so happy to see how loved she is by so many people.
I didn't even realize that I was crying as I screamed the lyrics at the top of my lungs. At one point, Taylor and I made eye contact and I could tell that her seeing me cry made her emotional as well. If I was her, I'd be a mess up on that stage. She's such a professional.
Once the song was over and she had gone backstage to change, I walked back to the tent with Paul. Thankfully, the fans were still in shock about Taylor singing Long Live so no one crowded me.
When time came for 1989, Joey, Lautner, and Presley all went backstage to get ready for surprise song time. While they did that, I sat down in one of the chairs so my feet won't be hurting as much during surprise songs. I made the wrong decision of wearing heels tonight so my feet were killing me. I needed to make it hurt less in the next few minutes. Every little break counts.
As Bad Blood came to an end, I stood back up and went over to the railing. I looked around the stadium at the people who were completely oblivious as to what was about to happen. I already know that people on Twitter are still freaking out about the little change to the Speak Now era. I can't wait to go on that app later and read everyone's reactions.
Taylor finally started walking to the middle of the stage with a microphone in her hand. She had on her yellow dress, aka her chaos dress. As she started walking and talking, she looked over to me and winked. A lot was about to happen.
She called up all three of them on stage to make the premiere of the I Can See You music video premiere like an actual movie premiere. Lautner coming out while doing flips was such a him thing to do. I wasn't even surprised.
When the music video appeared on the big screen, I didn't watch it. I mean, I was on set with them and everything so I already knew what the music video was like. I got a preview of the finished video a few weeks ago. But the reason why I didn't watch it on the big screen was the same as every other swiftie; I would much rather watch Taylor's reactions live. I can watch the music video any time I want to on YouTube but this live reaction is something I can only watch now. She's my sister so I witness various reactions coming from her on many different occasions but this one was different in its own special way. This one was a premiere of her music video. She was premiering it at her concert in front of thousands of people. She was getting to witness everyone else's live reaction in person. I've never seen her reaction to that. So of course I had to watch her instead of the video. This is what I mean when I say I'm a huge swiftie myself. I'm Taylor's sister but I still very much think like many other die hard swifties.
After the music video premiere, Taylor played Never Grow Up and When Emma Falls In Love. Once again, I bawled during Never Grow Up. I never not cry when I listen to that song. Taylor made eye contact with me most of the time, which made me cry even harder. I was already almost halfway through my summer break before college. Time was moving so fast. During When Emma Falls In Love, I was one of the very few people that actually knew the words. I felt a little awkward screaming the lyrics at first but I started to not care after a few lines. It was a great song and Taylor's playing it live. I decided to let myself have fun. It was understandably pretty quiet compared to other songs, since it was released today, so quite a few people turned to look at me. Once they realized who was screaming the lyrics, some of them turned their phones toward me and started recording me. I kinda got nervous after people started doing that because it would be so embarrassing if I got the words wrong but thankfully, nothing embarrassing like that happened.
• • • • •
Taylor invited both Taylor Lautners, Joey, Presley, her dancers, her band, her vocalists, her crew members, and her team to our room for a mini release party when we got back. I honestly thought that around 10 people were gonna show up at most but everyone showed up.
Taylor brought out a cake that she had apparently ordered. It was purple and sparkly and had the words 'Speak Now (Taylor's Version)' written on it in the original Speak Now album font. Whoever wrote that has some serious talent because I can't even copy that font on paper.
She cut all of us a piece of cake and handed a plate to everyone before grabbing one for herself. I had promised myself that I would stop making Taylor sad but this was a little too much for me. Yes, it was release day and those are a very big deal for her. I want her to have the best time. However, I had already eaten way too much today.
Taylor made me order breakfast from the room service menu so I decided to get a yogurt parfait. It was healthy and not too high in calories. I put the TV on to distract myself from the feeling of food piling up in my stomach. I couldn't freak out about this. I've been a burden to Taylor enough times.
Lunch time came around and Taylor's team appeared with many Domino's pizza boxes in their hands. I guess Taylor could tell that I was pretty freaked out about the fact that I had to eat pizza because she grabbed the smallest slice of cheese pizza and handed it to me. It was just one slice while everyone else was eating at least three. The thing is though, they ordered the biggest size pizza that Domino's had, meaning one slice was huge. Even the smallest size was very big compared to other pizzas out there. I was starting to freak out but again, it's release day. I didn't want her to feel anything but joy today so I couldn't cry and have a panic attack in front of her.
The first thing I did was grab a paper napkin and dab all of the excess oil off of my pizza. It was dripping with oil. This wasn't disordered behavior and no one could stop me because I saw at least eight other people doing it too. After dabbing the oil off, I took a small bite out of the cheese pizza. I missed pizza — I hadn't eaten it in so long because it's one of my fear foods — but the joy of eating pizza faded away within seconds. My head was soon filled with numbers and excuses to get out of eating this. There wasn't an excuse that didn't involve making Taylor feel any negative emotion so I resorted to my next option: to go where no one can see me.
When one of Taylor's crews went up to her to ask her a question, I quietly snuck off into the back, making sure that she wasn't looking at me as I did this. Sometimes, she catches me in the act of doing these things and she has to sit with me the rest of the time until I finish eating. Luckily, she was very engaged in this conversation that she was having.
I sat behind a big box and stared at my pizza, which only had one tiny bite taken out of it. All I could see and think about were numbers and how much weight I was gonna gain from this.
On my way to this hiding spot, I had made a brief stop at the bathroom to get some paper towels. I had also brought with me a plastic knife that was placed beside one of the pizza boxes. I pulled them out of my pockets and placed them beside my plate. I cut up my pizza into small piece and started wrapping the pieces in the paper towels.
"Whatcha doing?" The sudden noise coming from behind me made me jump. My heart started beating at a million miles per hour. I completely froze, too scared to look behind me and come face to face with this person. "Sky?" They walked into my little hiding spot and sat in the tiny open space in front of me. I slowly lifted my head as curiosity took over. I needed to know who it was.
I don't know who I was expecting but it was definitely not Tree. The last I saw her was on stage next to Taylor. I was so worried about Taylor seeing me that I didn't look around to make sure everyone else wasn't looking either.
"What are you doing here?" I asked her, internally panicking about the fact that I got caught in the act of trying to throw my food away.
"I asked you first," Tree raised her eyebrows.
"I'm just eating lunch," I played it off.
"Eating lunch or throwing it away?" She asked even though it was pretty obvious she knew the answer.
"Eating, duh," I rolled my eyes.
"It looks like you're about to throw it away," She pointed out.
"Why would I do that?" I laughed. She shouldn't know. I know Taylor didn't tell her. And everything on the media are just speculations so she'd never believe anything on there unless we confirmed it.
"Sky, I know you've been struggling with eating," Tree's voice softened.
"What?" I put on my best confused expression as I tried to steer Tree's suspicions away from the truth. She sighed before starting to talk again.
"A few months ago, someone got a video of you throwing your food away for a week straight at school. They sent it over to one of the gossip sites and it almost got published but I was able to stop it in time." She explained. This scared the shit out of me. Not just the part about someone else finding out about my habits but also the fact that someone was watching me and recording me from afar without my knowledge while I was at school. That is a whole another level of creepy and weird.
"Well my friends gave me all these foods to try but they were foods I didn't like so I threw them away when they weren't watching. I'm a picky eater." I continued to lie. There's no way she can confirm everything from just that. I could've been eating somewhere in the school that can't be seen from the outside and I could've been eating both breakfast and dinner. It's just not enough information to accuse anyone of anything.
"It's also pretty obvious that you've lost an unhealthy amount of weight compared to a few months before," Tree said. Damn she's straightforward. I mean, she always has been but it feels really weird sometimes whenever she points out the obvious facts and I never know what to say in response to those things.
"I've just been working out a lot," I used the classic excuse. I couldn't come up with another excuse in the very short amount of time that I had before she knew I was just trying to come up with a lie.
"Paparazzi would've gotten a picture of you going to the gym if you were working out," Tree made another valid point.
"I used the home gym," I was starting to run out of things to say.
"I've been in Taylor's apartment many times Sky. She doesn't have a home gym in there." And just like that, I had walked right into Tree's trap. There was no way out of this. I did the only other thing I could do right now.
"I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." With that, I quickly got up and ran to the nearest bathroom. I locked myself in one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet. It wasn't the nicest toilet since I was in a football stadium but it wasn't super dirty either.
After exactly 10 minutes of me sitting in there and trying to figure out a way to avoid everything that I knew was about to happen, Tree walked into the bathroom.
"Alright Sky, you've been in there long enough. Why don't you come out?" She said. I ignored her and pretended like I wasn't there, which was stupid of me because she could see my feet from under the stall. "If you don't come out in the next 30 seconds, I'm telling Taylor what I saw." Tree used her mother tone with me. I internally cursed her before unlocking the door and grudgingly walking out.
"You cannot tell Taylor about this," I pleaded, looking at Tree right in the eyes.
"I won't tell her if you eat that pizza," She said.
I flipped her off before walking back to my original hiding spot to face my pizza. To get it over with as quickly as I could, I stuffed the pieces of pizza into my mouth and swallowed it after chewing a few times. My eyes started to sting with tears but I didn't let that stop me. If I didn't think, I wouldn't freak out. I heard Tree tell me to slow down but I ignored her and finished everything that was on my plate.
After swallowing the last piece, I pushed the paper plate away from me and leaned against the box. I felt too fat and I hated that Tree was right in front of me to see me in such a vulnerable state. At least she won't be telling my sister.
Having had to eat both breakfast and lunch, I really wasn't up for eating this cake.
Lucky for me, there were a lot of people here so Taylor wouldn't notice me slipping out for a brief moment to throw the cake away. If anyone asks, I'd just tell them that I had to make a phone call so I stepped out.
After checking that no one, not just Taylor, wasn't looking at me, I slowly backed myself out of the crowd towards the door and snuck out of our room. I made sure to grab our room key on my way out.
I quickly ran to the nearest vending machine and ice machine room. They usually have trash cans in there. I double checked to make sure that no one followed me and that no one was outside, before closing the door behind me and disposing of the cake that was on my paper plate. I smeared a little bit of the frosting on both the plate and my fork, and scattered some crumbs around to make it look like I ate the cake during my phone call walk around the hotel floor. I covered up the cake with paper napkins that I had brought, just in case someone decides to come in here to buy a drink and happens to look inside the trash can.
On the walk back to my room, I pressed my phone up against my ear to pretend like I was talking to someone, just in case someone was outside of our room. I pretended to end the call once I was outside our door and walked back in.
"There you are! Where were you?" Taylor greeted me as I walked in.
"Oh I was calling Rachel. She was wondering when I move in to my dorm to see if there's a time we can all hang out again before school starts. I stepped out because it's kinda loud in here." I gave my thought out answer, which she seemed to believe. I saw her glance at my plate and, though I got a little nervous that she was gonna start asking me questions, she seemed convinced that I ate my cake.
For the rest of the night, we all sang and danced to her rerecorded album. It was a good thing that Taylor had booked the whole floor for the Eras Tour people because otherwise, we would've gotten a complaint.
I would've had fun either way but I think I was overly happy because I got to skip dinner. I was so proud of how much I thought out my plan tonight and how believable everything was. It gave me hope for the future, knowing that I can continue to restrict as long as I think through when I answer their questions and make sure that everything is connected.
I may not be losing weight as much as I used to but I'll get there again. I need to.