Year: 2009
I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground, I see who you are
I'm sick and tired of your attitude
I'm feeling like I don't know you
You tell me that you love me, then you cut me down
And I need you like a heartbreak
But you know you got a mean streak
Make me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why
John and I had been dating for almost two years. He is such a sweet and caring guy. He always texted me good morning and would ask me how I was doing every day. When we walked through the hallways at school, he held my hand to show everyone that I was his, and he was mine. He walked me to my classes, even if that meant that he would be late to his own.
And I appreciated it so much. Because no guy ever treated me like that. I was never really easily noticed either. I'm an introvert, and proud of it might I add. But sometimes, when you're at school and everyone has a place, it's a bit overwhelming when you have no one to talk to.
That's why it's great that I have a twin. Joel is definitely the extroverted twin, but at school, he always stayed by my side, and made sure I wasn't lonely. We shared a few classes, and during the periods we didn't, he would message me during class to make sure I was okay.
Many people have asked if I felt he was babying me. He really wasn't, he just cared. Although being an introvert, I also had severe social anxiety, and when I had classes in which I knew no one, I could have a really tough time being able to focus on the class.
I'm not that great at making friends either. I have my best friend, Abby, who I'm really close to. I take more advanced classes though, so as each year in high school passes by, and have less and less classes with her. But we still keep in touch, messaging each other how school is going, and always being there whenever we need to rant to each other about our day.
But other than Abby, I choose to be more alone than social. I find no point in being friends with people who don't care about me. So, when I started dating John, I instantly had a new best friend in some of my classes, which definitely made class easier. And although John didn't pay attention in our classes and spent a significant amount of time flirting with me, I really didn't mind, as long as he let me get my work done.
He constantly took me out on dates, and each time, he would show up to my house dressed like a gentleman, bring me flowers and chocolates each time. And every time I was ready to leave my house, he would gesture his arm out the door, and tell me, "After you, princess."
And I have to admit, I've never felt so truly loved before. And maybe it's the fact that I'm an introvert or choose to be alone most of the time. But I felt so happy. That someone would choose me over everyone else in the world.
For a while, I thought John was the perfect boyfriend. And that was true, until I began to see his true colors over time. Maybe it started earlier, or maybe it was always this way. But I really didn't notice until the beginning of June. Joel and I were finishing our senior year, while Luke was finishing his sophomore year.
There was a time in our relationship where we began to see each other less. And that made me panic. Not because I always wanted to be with him, I just worried that this relationship would end the same way it ended with Asher. And I desperately didn't want that to happen.
But I noticed that as time went on, John began to appreciate me less. He didn't try as much as he did before. And I guess that made sense. He already did all the work to convince me to date him. And now that I am, there was no point in winning me over, since he had already won me. But I began to miss those dates where he brought me flowers and chocolates. I missed those days where he would call me "princess." I just simply missed those days when I knew he loved me.
He began always coming off as annoyed whenever I spoke to him. He would be triggered by everything, as long as it was coming from me. Even if I just simply called him to ask how his day went, he would act as if I was too clingy, and needed to stop being so attached. Whenever I tried to tell him news, he ended up putting me down and making me feel bad about myself. He would never listen to me when I needed someone to talk to and would always make excuses for his behavior.
The worst part about all of this, is that it is all my fault. Because Joel warned me. And I should have listened to him. He was just looking out for me, but I chose to believe he was wrong, Because I was so desperate to be loved. To feel like I was capable of being chosen by someone.
But I decided that I would not accept defeat. The whole reason why I was so upset over my breakup with Asher, was because he didn't even want to try to fix our relationship. But I was willing to do almost anything. I knew relationships would work. If they were easy, then all of them would last. But they're not. If I just worked hard enough, maybe John could change.
If God was on my side, he would help me change John. He would help return John to the amazing and caring boyfriend that he was in the beginning of the relationship.
I began to pray more often about John, desperately waiting for God to give me an answer, a sign, anything. I needed something. I needed to know what to do. But an answer never came. Or it was hidden, and I didn't know where to find it. And for one of the few times in my life, I felt helpless.
Well, you could write a book on
How to ruin someone's perfect day
Well, I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I'm trying to say, oh-oh
I'm sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you're around
Here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you're doing to me
Tell me why
I knew that John was emotionally abusive towards me, but I decided to never break up with him. If I just was able to change him, everything would be better. We were already two years into our relationship. I didn't want to be alone and start over again.
As time went on, I became more and more unhappy in the relationship. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around John and that I couldn't be herself. I started to lose my sense of self-worth and didn't know who I was anymore. I once brought up the situation to John, but it didn't solve anything.
"John," I said. " I don't like it when you talk to me like that. It hurts my feelings."
"What are you talking about? I didn't say anything wrong," he said aggressively.
"You're always putting me down and making me feel bad about myself. You never listen to me when I need someone to talk to."
"I don't know what you're talking about. You're just being too sensitive."
"No, I'm not being too sensitive. You're being emotionally abusive towards me, and I don't like it." I was desperate for him to go back to being the John I once knew. The John I fell in love with.
"Emotionally abusive? That's ridiculous. I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you."
"Then why do you always make me feel bad about myself? Why do you never listen to me?"
"I don't know what you want from me. I'm doing the best I can."
"The best you can? That's not good enough. I deserve better than this!" I shouted at him.
"Listen here!" he said, standing up and confronting me aggressively. He put his hand around my neck and pushed me against the wall. I gasped for air, as I felt his hand tighten around my throat.
"You don't get to do that!" he said. "You don't get to say I've been a bad boyfriend when I have been there for you every single time you needed me these past two years! You need me. You have no one else! Your brothers have lives of their own y'know. Are you always going to be waiting for them to stop their lives because little Miss Perfect ran into a little situation, and needs to cry about it to her brothers?"
I began to cry, as I realized that the John I knew was long gone. I missed him. The boy who danced with me in the rain teased me over ice cream and talked about our future together under the stars. Where did he go?
"Oh, and now you're going to cry?" he yelled, noticing my tears. "Let me just go get your brother right now then, huh?"
"Jeez," he muttered under his breath. "Sometimes I don't know if I love you anymore."
And those words cut deep into my skin, and almost blinded me from reality. It was as if John had placed a spell on me. That sentence was all I would focus on from that point forward. From then on, I tried to always prove to John that he should love me. Instead of planning on how to break up with him, it was as if those words had spelled me to try the hardest I could to be loved by John.
And that's what broke me apart.
Piece by piece.
Why do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside?
Why do you have to put down my dreams
So you're the only thing on my mind?
I started skipping meals and losing sleep because I was so stressed out. I didn't know how to deal with John's toxic behavior, and it was starting to affect my mental health. I even started thinking about hurting herself because of all the terrible words he said. I didn't know what to do.
I desperately wanted to go to Joel and tell him everything. I wanted to tell him that he was right, John was a horrible boyfriend, and I knew he would help me get out of the relationship. And if I told him my mental health had gotten worse again, I knew he would help me every step of the way, make sure I was eating and staying in my room to make sure I slept at night. But after what John said, about me not letting my brothers be able to live their lives.
He was right.
I was being selfish. I was always making it about me, while Joel waited in the corner for something to go wrong so that he'd be there for me. He never had a girlfriend of his own, and I always wondered why. But now I know. Because of me.
Because of the selfish brat, I am, who only cares about herself. So, I kept it a secret. I was alone. And that was the first night I hurt myself.
While cleaning around the house, I found a lighter. I never thought much of it. But that night, I sat in the dark as I gasped for air. I couldn't breathe. I needed Joel, but I needed to stop bothering him with my problems. They were mine alone to face.
Then I thought about my relationship with John, and it became even harder to breathe. Why was I such a horrible person? I failed at being both a sister and a girlfriend. The pain was building up, and without Joel, I desperately needed a way to get rid of all the pain. So I burned. My thighs.
Even though the sharp pain made me hiss as I felt the heat touch my delicate skin, the relief I had afterward was worth it. I felt calm again, I was able to breathe. I tucked the lighter safely away on my nightstand. I stayed sitting up on my bed, as I breathed in and out, appreciating the fact I was now able to breathe.
I wiped my tears, as I lay back down in my bed, processing what I had just done. And although I felt guilty, it still worked. I felt better. So that wasn't the last time.
Joel's POV
Over the past few weeks, I grew concerned about Ronnie. Yes, I wasn't a big fan of John, I never was. But recently I've become concerned that I was right about John. And that really scared me. Because I didn't want to be right.
I had overheard her, and her boyfriend John fighting and John was being very aggressive towards her. And I noticed that Ronnie was talking less and less to me about her life, and she had become distant towards me.
And not only was I worried, but I was also hurt. I missed my twin. My little sister. I prayed to God that she was okay. I prayed that she was just focusing on her relationship, and she wasn't hiding anything from me. I hoped it was just me overthinking her relationship with John.
I never really wanted to have a girlfriend in high school. It's not that I don't want to fall in love, I do. But none of the girls at my school, other than Ronnie of course, actually respect themselves. They would throw themselves at any guy the second they wanted to be with them. I wanted a woman of God, and I would not settle for less. I would not fall for anyone who did not believe.
So, I had a lot of time to worry about Ronnie. But I worried my worst fear became true. Every morning when I made breakfast, I noticed that Ronnie would throw away her food when my back was turned. She skipped almost every meal she could. I was worried that she was losing sleep again and began hurting herself. Like she almost did when she was with Asher.
Ronnie had always been the bright one in the family. She had a smile that could light up a room and a personality that everyone loved. Yes, she was a quiet introvert, quite the opposite of me. She was socially awkward, but she was always able to act like herself around those she was comfortable around. But at the end of the day, when she was Luke and me, she would always be able to make us smile.
But lately, she had lost that spark. And I didn't know what to do to help her. Soon enough, Luke also grew concerned. I talked to him about Ronnie, telling him everything I'd noticed and how worried I was about her. Luke listened carefully and then said, "We need to get Ronnie some help. She can't keep living like this." And so, we were planning to confront her at the end of the week, a day after our birthday.
I just didn't know we would be too late.