NOW.
It's New Year's Eve, and with the exception of the train ride to and from Cheongju, Chaewon hasn't spoken to Yunjin since the night of the dance showcase.
Not because she doesn't want to, but because every time she opens her KakaoTalk chat with Yunjin she gets halfway through typing before realising she doesn't even know how to talk to Yunjin anymore.
Do you want to get lunch—
How was your Christmas—
I miss you so much—
She deletes all of them, and then shoves her phone into her pocket or under her pillow. Somewhere out of sight.
Chaewon doesn't even want to go to the stupid party Joohyun and Seulgi are throwing tonight.
She would be more than content to just stay in her apartment, binge watching both seasons of Love Live! from under a mountain of blankets and inhaling her body weight in ice cream, rather than spend the evening surrounded by happy stable couples doing things like kissing at midnight and cuddling while watching the fireworks and not sleeping with their best friend who they've been in love with for ages.
She says as much to Ryujin — well, she paraphrases slightly — who just hums in response since she's obviously not listening, before she seems to notice that Chaewon is still in sweatpants and a hoodie at five in the afternoon and that she's serious about not going.
Ryujin just looks at her silently and a little judgmentally before typing something on her phone, and then fifteen minutes later Heejin (and her biceps) and Hyunjin (and her intimidating blank stare) show up to threaten Chaewon until she agrees to unwrap herself from her cocoon of blankets on the sofa and get dressed.
It probably won't even be that bad, Chaewon tries to reason with herself as Hyunjin manhandles her into a taxi an hour later, like they're still concerned Chaewon will try and make a break for it like an escaped convict. Parties thrown by Joohyun and Seulgi are always packed, so it's not like it's just their small group; there's the entire dance crew, the entire boys dance crew, all of Joohyun's grad school friends and Seulgi's older college friends, Sana and Momo's Japanese squad, Hyunjin's theatre friends, Haseul is bringing Kahei, Ryujin and Yeji are bringing some of their friends, and Jiwoo knows like, everyone, so.
There will be food and music and alcohol, so Chaewon can just show up for long enough to be considered polite, spend her time avoiding Yunjin and Seungwoo , distract herself with all her other friends that she's not in love with, and then she can leave just after the countdown and go home. She can suck it up for the sake of her friends, who don't need Chaewon to bring the mood down on what's supposed to be a night of celebration because she's too busy moping.
It'll be fine.
Who knows. She might even have fun.
/
Chaewon knows the second she trails after Heejin, Hyunjin and Ryujin into Joohyun and Seulgi's apartment that she is not going to have fun, because the first thing she sees is Yunjin. And not just Yunjin, but Yunjin-and-Seungwoo.
They're with a group of people that Chaewon doesn't recognise, presumably some of Joohyun's friends or guys from the dance team. Seungwoo has bright purple hair that's easy enough to spot from a distance, and Yunjin is standing next to him, her hair loose and wavy, wearing a backless black dress that makes Chaewon's breath catch in her throat.
It's quite impressive really, the way her stupid heart has been battered so many times and yet still manages to speed up at the sight of Yunjin. The apartment is full of people, noisy with the sound of chatter and one of Seulgi's twelve-hour party playlists, but when Yunjin turns her head, catches sight of Chaewon through the crowd and gives her an unsure, tentative smile, it's like the rest of the world melts away.
And then Yunjin's attention is captured by Seungwoo, and Joohyun pops up out of nowhere to shove a very full champagne flute into Chaewon's hand, and the world comes back into focus. When she looks back over at Yunjin, she's laughing at something Seungwoo said, leaning into his side.
Chaewon takes a large gulp of champagne, and follows Heejin, Hyunjin and Ryujin into the kitchen.
A few hours later, after Chaewon has had a few more glasses of the seemingly endless supply of Joohyun's expensive champagne and a few fruity mixed drinks, she reluctantly admits to herself that she's actually having a good time.
11PM comes and goes, a buzz of excitement rippling through the room when somebody drunkenly yells that there's only one hour to midnight. Chaewon has found herself one of the sofas, Haseul and Kahei on one side, Jiwoo and Heejin on the other. Kahei is talking animatedly about the dog her brother just adopted, complete with photos on her phone that has the three of them enraptured. Hyunjin's getting herself and Heejin refills on their drinks, and the last time Chaewon saw Sooyoung she was talking to Yunjin, the two of them huddled together outside on the balcony.
She isn't sure where Yunjin and Sooyoung are now. It feels strange, being surrounded by all of her friends except one, being in the same room as Yunjin and having to actively fight the urge to seek her out. Yunjin has been drifting between different people all night — Joohyun and Seulgi, people she knows from her own classes, Seungwoo and his friends — and every time Chaewon has caught sight of her through the crowd, she's had a smile on her face.
Chaewon doesn't even really feel jealous. Watching them makes it more real, somehow. Watching Yunjin laugh at something Seungwoo says, mouth wide open and nose scrunched up as she slaps at Seungwoo's arm, now that she knows what it's like to have Yunjin clinging to her and whispering for Chaewon to touch her in between messy kisses, it doesn't hurt as much as Chaewon thought it would. Maybe it's some kind of self-preservation attempt from her body, turning off whatever neurotransmitters in her brain deal with emotional pain, or maybe it's just her heart finally catching up and accepting something that deep down Chaewon already knew.
Yunjin doesn't love her.
It's fine. Well, it's not, not really, but things will be okay eventually. Maybe not for a long time, but someday. Someday she'll get her best friend back. Someday it won't hurt so much to look at Yunjin.
Around her, the party continues.
Hyunjin reappears with drinks. Joohyun comes breezing past with a fresh bottle of champagne to top everyone up. Chaewon spots Yunjin again, taking selfies with Sana near the hallway. Ryujin and Yeji—
Oh.
Ryujin and Yeji are kissing. They're outside on the balcony, half-hidden by a huge potted plant in the corner, and Chaewon wouldn't even have seen them if it weren't for the moonlight reflecting off Yeji's silver hair.
Ryujin's hands are cupping Yeji's face as they exchange soft kisses, Yeji's arms wrapped around Ryujin's waist. Chaewon isn't an expert, but it doesn't look like it's the first time this is happening. Ryujin is smiling into the kiss, and when Yeji pulls back to laugh and say something to her, neither of them look nervous at all.
Suddenly the artsy photo of some mistletoe accompanied by a string of heart eyes emojis and the flexing bicep emoji on Ryujin's Instagram story a few days ago makes sense.
"Hey, look," Chaewon says, nudging Jiwoo and nodding towards the balcony.
Jiwoo actually clasps her hands in front of her chest and awws loudly enough to draw Heejin's attention away from the puppy video playing on Kahei's phone. "It's about time."
Heejin frowns, looking at the time on her phone. "There's still fifteen minutes left. They're early."
Chaewon watches Ryujin say something that makes Yeji laugh, before leaning forward and kissing her again. "I'd say they're a few years late, actually."
It hasn't really occurred to her until this exact moment that out of everyone, she's the only one who's still single. Haseul has Kahei, Jiwoo has Sooyoung, Heejin has Hyunjin, Ryujin (finally) has Yeji, Joohyun has Seulgi. Even Sana and Momo are sort of like, official now, rather than just hooking up when they're drunk and pretending it doesn't mean anything. And Yunjin has Seungwoo.
(Yunjin always has someone, and that someone has never been and is never going to be Chaewon.)
As the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight, everyone starts pairing off. Sooyoung comes and steals Jiwoo away. Heejin is cuddled up to Hyunjin on the sofa, Haseul sitting in Kahei's lap next to them. Joohyun and Seulgi are giggling to themselves on the other side of the room. Ryujin and Yeji have slipped back inside, cheeks pink from the cold and holding hands, and Yunjin and Seungwoo are... somewhere. Probably. Chaewon doesn't really want to look for them.
The room suddenly seems a lot stuffier than it was a few seconds ago.
"Hey," Chaewon says, putting her drink down and nudging Haseul. "I'm going out for some air. Won't be long."
"Everything alright?" Haseul asks, ever the concerned friend.
Chaewon nods, forcing a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just— a lot of people, you know. I'll be back before midnight, don't worry."
Joohyun's penthouse spans the entire top floor of the building, so once she's out the door it's only one flight of stairs up to the roof. Chaewon isn't sure people are technically allowed up here, but Joohyun's brought them up before plenty of times, so Chaewon doesn't really think twice about slipping through the door to the roof clearly displaying a no entry sign. Although now that she's thinking about it, she's pretty sure Seulgi mentioned something once about Joohyun's family owning the entire building, so she can do whatever she wants.
Rich people.
It's started snowing at some point during the evening, giving the world that strange hush that only happens when everything is hidden under a blanket of white. There's no one else on the rooftop, and the streets below are deserted; Joohyun's building is just far enough from downtown that there's no bars around with people spilling out of the door, and everyone else in the neighbourhood is inside, celebrating in their own homes.
It's freezing outside, her breath clouding in front of her every time she breathes out. Chaewon kind of wishes she'd brought her jacket with her, or at least a hat, since she's probably going to end up breaking her promise to Haseul about being back before the countdown starts.
A tiny part of Chaewon kind of hopes that once it does start, Yunjin will come bursting through the door behind her, like something out of one of the more exaggerated dramas or romcoms she likes. But that isn't going to happen. Yunjin's going to be inside, with her boyfriend, and in three minutes she's going to kiss him at midnight, starting the new year together.
Chaewon leans against the railing, staring out at the snow-covered city. Seoul has always been breathtaking this high up in the sky, all the neon lights glittering and gleaming as far as the eye can see, and tonight is no exception.
Chaewon glances at the time at her phone. One minuteleft.